Brownout false memories
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 19
Brownout false memories
Hello, I am a former alcohol, but in the last 2 years I am clean...well at least 95 % of time. I am 25 years old.
And I have a bipolar disorder. I am not on meds.
Last saturday first time after year and a half I've decided to get drunk.
I've remeber most of the night and I clearly remember how I went out of the bar, got home, but some of the parts of that night are missing.
I even remeber how I was thinking that everything is fine, I didn't make a fool of myself, thankfully I've drunk just...enough.
I even remeber clealry how I wanted to drink coffee several minutes before my brownout to become more sober and to control myself.
Next day I had a bad hangover, but everything was fine with my mental issues.
Everything was fine even day after.
But then some of memories started to return.
Or are they real memories or false memories?
Then I started to have severe panick attack, I don't know what memories are real and what memories are imagined.
And every day I am recovering new memories from that partial blackout.
But maybe they are not memories, maybe they are just a product of my imagination.
And some of those memories are bizzare
What to do, how can I distinguish real memories from false?
Whole week I am reliving that time that I don't remember and it just creates a panic attack.
And I have a bipolar disorder. I am not on meds.
Last saturday first time after year and a half I've decided to get drunk.
I've remeber most of the night and I clearly remember how I went out of the bar, got home, but some of the parts of that night are missing.
I even remeber how I was thinking that everything is fine, I didn't make a fool of myself, thankfully I've drunk just...enough.
I even remeber clealry how I wanted to drink coffee several minutes before my brownout to become more sober and to control myself.
Next day I had a bad hangover, but everything was fine with my mental issues.
Everything was fine even day after.
But then some of memories started to return.
Or are they real memories or false memories?
Then I started to have severe panick attack, I don't know what memories are real and what memories are imagined.
And every day I am recovering new memories from that partial blackout.
But maybe they are not memories, maybe they are just a product of my imagination.
And some of those memories are bizzare
What to do, how can I distinguish real memories from false?
Whole week I am reliving that time that I don't remember and it just creates a panic attack.
Last edited by ScottFromWI; 10-01-2016 at 08:43 AM.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR anonimuser. I don't think there is a way to tell what happened in a blackout. In a sense they are alcohol induced amnesia and there's no way of knowing if we will ever remember ot not.
Nearly all of us have done things we regret while drinking, and while we cannot undo them we can ensure they never happen again by not drinking . You'll find a lot of support here for that. You may want to see someone about your bipolar as well, there are definitely treatments that can help
Nearly all of us have done things we regret while drinking, and while we cannot undo them we can ensure they never happen again by not drinking . You'll find a lot of support here for that. You may want to see someone about your bipolar as well, there are definitely treatments that can help
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Alcoholism isn't the flu......I don't get over it. Especially if I choose to drink, again. There is no more - gee, now I can drink normally I've learned my lesson.
Life get progressively better in sobriety vs. progressively worse when drinking. Relapse happens. But it doesn't have to be part of getting and staying sober.
What's the plan now?
Keep coming back, friend........
Life get progressively better in sobriety vs. progressively worse when drinking. Relapse happens. But it doesn't have to be part of getting and staying sober.
What's the plan now?
Keep coming back, friend........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 19
Well the plan is to not drink of course. I will continue with my healthy lifestyle - clean food, excercise, lots of water etc.
In the last 2 years I've only got drunk on two separate occasions, one week ago and year and a half ago.
Actually, before that binge drinking on Saturday I was feeling really good, full of confidence, totally in control of my life with lots of plans.
And then people (winemaker) offered me a glass of wine.
I thought ''what the hell, one glass of wine can't do any harm''.
And then I've drunk second, third, forth...
And it felt so good to drink again. I thought what the hell, I was good to myself and my body for so long, one night binge drinking can't do me any harm.
Several hours later I was in a bar, drinking beers with my former pals.
I remember most of it then the brownout came.
Now this whole week was a mess, I've experienced several anxiety attacks, my mind is creating false memories (I hope), I am feeling extremely guilty...but it is getting progressively better.
In the last 2 years I've only got drunk on two separate occasions, one week ago and year and a half ago.
Actually, before that binge drinking on Saturday I was feeling really good, full of confidence, totally in control of my life with lots of plans.
And then people (winemaker) offered me a glass of wine.
I thought ''what the hell, one glass of wine can't do any harm''.
And then I've drunk second, third, forth...
And it felt so good to drink again. I thought what the hell, I was good to myself and my body for so long, one night binge drinking can't do me any harm.
Several hours later I was in a bar, drinking beers with my former pals.
I remember most of it then the brownout came.
Now this whole week was a mess, I've experienced several anxiety attacks, my mind is creating false memories (I hope), I am feeling extremely guilty...but it is getting progressively better.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
Hi anonimuser 
doesn't sound like you had a good night at all - it sounds terrifying and upsetting - but your addiction has you convinced 'it felt good to drink again'?
I had to accept that one of the costs of my drinking was often not knowing what I did last night.
Once I stopped drinking I stopped blacking out, and putting myself in danger.
I really believe we need to examine not only our drinking, but the stuff that happens when we do.
Accepting the whole of that reality made it easier for me to quit - and stay quit
D
doesn't sound like you had a good night at all - it sounds terrifying and upsetting - but your addiction has you convinced 'it felt good to drink again'?
I had to accept that one of the costs of my drinking was often not knowing what I did last night.
Once I stopped drinking I stopped blacking out, and putting myself in danger.
I really believe we need to examine not only our drinking, but the stuff that happens when we do.
Accepting the whole of that reality made it easier for me to quit - and stay quit
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Your only 25 and having blackouts already. Time to quit for good. Treat alcoholism for what it really is. A deadly insidious progressive disease. It kills off every organ in you're body. Especially the brain.
Hang in there buddy, and quit drinking for good. No more blackouts.
Hang in there buddy, and quit drinking for good. No more blackouts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Nashville
Posts: 326
Just wanted to say welcome and glad you are here.
I'm also 25 and have had so so many blackouts. I could write a novel about why I hate them so much, but I feel like that is pretty much self-explanatory.
There were some sketchy nights while I was in blackout mode that I obsessively replayed over and over in my head even up to couple years later trying to figure out if something did or did not happen, etc. I cannot let that consume my mind anymore... it will drive me crazy.
I will never get those memories back. Whatever happened has happened, and even if I DID know what actually happened, there's nothing I can do to go back and change it. Worrying did NOTHING for me... just made it so much worse. Easier said than done, but I had to eventually just let it go.
Best of luck to you with the anxiety/panic attacks. I understand it a lot, but I'm also taking meds for them lol.
I'm also 25 and have had so so many blackouts. I could write a novel about why I hate them so much, but I feel like that is pretty much self-explanatory.
There were some sketchy nights while I was in blackout mode that I obsessively replayed over and over in my head even up to couple years later trying to figure out if something did or did not happen, etc. I cannot let that consume my mind anymore... it will drive me crazy.
I will never get those memories back. Whatever happened has happened, and even if I DID know what actually happened, there's nothing I can do to go back and change it. Worrying did NOTHING for me... just made it so much worse. Easier said than done, but I had to eventually just let it go.
Best of luck to you with the anxiety/panic attacks. I understand it a lot, but I'm also taking meds for them lol.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Hello and welcome to SR, it's good to have you with us.
Most of us have had alcoholic blackouts, in some ways I'm pleased I can't remember all of what I got up to, that's a side of me that I'm more than happy to let go of.
It took me a long time, but I've finally accepted that I cannot safely drink. Not ever. There isn't any time in the future when suddenly all the years of working hard to recover from alcoholism means I'm changed and it will be ok.
I don't have to like it. But it's a fact.
When you say you had 2 years of sobriety, but got drunk twice...those are conflicting sentences. In the same way I could say I have 4 years of sobriety but got drunk 3 or 4 times...it doesn't work. It kind of sets me up to think the odd drink or 2 doesn't matter...and it most definitely does.
I've had some real anxieties and regrets over the things I did drunk, but I'm having to learn that in order to move forward I've had to let go of the past, make my amends to those I hurt, and move forward living a life where I'm honest, kind and helpful to others.
You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you. Pleased you found us.
Most of us have had alcoholic blackouts, in some ways I'm pleased I can't remember all of what I got up to, that's a side of me that I'm more than happy to let go of.
It took me a long time, but I've finally accepted that I cannot safely drink. Not ever. There isn't any time in the future when suddenly all the years of working hard to recover from alcoholism means I'm changed and it will be ok.
I don't have to like it. But it's a fact.
When you say you had 2 years of sobriety, but got drunk twice...those are conflicting sentences. In the same way I could say I have 4 years of sobriety but got drunk 3 or 4 times...it doesn't work. It kind of sets me up to think the odd drink or 2 doesn't matter...and it most definitely does.
I've had some real anxieties and regrets over the things I did drunk, but I'm having to learn that in order to move forward I've had to let go of the past, make my amends to those I hurt, and move forward living a life where I'm honest, kind and helpful to others.
You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you. Pleased you found us.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Hello and welcome, anonimuser.
I am a bipolar alcoholic as well.
When I was your age, an older bipolar alcoholic said to me:
"It's good that you are working on this at your age -- you won't have to suffer as long as I did."
We were patients on a psych ward at the time.
Although I vividly remember what she said, at that time I wasn't ready to take any action to solve my drinking problem.
twenty-two years later I walked into an AA meeting and found a solution.
You said: "I thought 'what the hell, one glass of wine can't do any harm'. "
In hindsight, can you see the error in your thinking?
It's the first drink that does the damage.
The way I see it: it's time to learn some effective strategies to stay away from that first drink.
Or, continue making the same mistake and suffering the consequences.
I sincerely hope that it doesn't take you as long as it took me to learn.
I am a bipolar alcoholic as well.
When I was your age, an older bipolar alcoholic said to me:
"It's good that you are working on this at your age -- you won't have to suffer as long as I did."
We were patients on a psych ward at the time.
Although I vividly remember what she said, at that time I wasn't ready to take any action to solve my drinking problem.
twenty-two years later I walked into an AA meeting and found a solution.
You said: "I thought 'what the hell, one glass of wine can't do any harm'. "
In hindsight, can you see the error in your thinking?
It's the first drink that does the damage.
The way I see it: it's time to learn some effective strategies to stay away from that first drink.
Or, continue making the same mistake and suffering the consequences.
I sincerely hope that it doesn't take you as long as it took me to learn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 19
Thank you all for your support.
I can't believe how hard it is for me after that one night of binge drinking, the guilt and shame about what I've could done in 20 minute blackout is still tearing me apart.
Alcohol? Never again.
I just hope that others were drunk too and that they don't remember much.
I can't believe how hard it is for me after that one night of binge drinking, the guilt and shame about what I've could done in 20 minute blackout is still tearing me apart.
Alcohol? Never again.
I just hope that others were drunk too and that they don't remember much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 19
Did any of you have experience with false memories?
So, I remember most of the night. I even remember how I put my head on a table 20 minutes before the last call and I wanted to order some coffee to sober up.
But I've ordered another drink.
My next memory is that someone said let's go, the bar is closing and we went outside.
I remember how I was thinking oh well, I didn't do anything stupid.
Then on my way home I tried to go to another bar, but it was closed.
When I've got home I went to the bathroom, I remember that clearly.
I've started to watch some TV show and I was excited at every scene...
Next day I had a really bad hangover, my headache was terrible, but still everything was fine with my memories.
I just waited for my headache and hangover to pass.
But still, everything was fine that day.
A day after that I've started to have flashback memories and anxiety attacks.
And it is still a mess. I don't know what is real, what was a dream or what I've imagined.
What's even worse I wouldn't give a sh*** for most of the things from flashbacks if I've done it sober, but when you don't remember it clearly it is...scary
So, I remember most of the night. I even remember how I put my head on a table 20 minutes before the last call and I wanted to order some coffee to sober up.
But I've ordered another drink.
My next memory is that someone said let's go, the bar is closing and we went outside.
I remember how I was thinking oh well, I didn't do anything stupid.
Then on my way home I tried to go to another bar, but it was closed.
When I've got home I went to the bathroom, I remember that clearly.
I've started to watch some TV show and I was excited at every scene...
Next day I had a really bad hangover, my headache was terrible, but still everything was fine with my memories.
I just waited for my headache and hangover to pass.
But still, everything was fine that day.
A day after that I've started to have flashback memories and anxiety attacks.
And it is still a mess. I don't know what is real, what was a dream or what I've imagined.
What's even worse I wouldn't give a sh*** for most of the things from flashbacks if I've done it sober, but when you don't remember it clearly it is...scary
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you're here. There are a lot of things I could say to pick apart your posts- concerning things- instead how about this:
Is your life unmanageable, causing you problems because of your choices, leading to feelings you hate? Sounds so. Does focusing on what you may or may not have done help you to know what to do now? Probably not. You know what you need to do.
Concerning not being on meds and suffering the panic/anxiety, as well as being bipolar....are you under a dr's care? If the actual dx has been bipolar (like BPD was for me), then care and most likely meds might be an excellent plan- can you seek help for that and at that level of attention now? IMO, and IME, we do not have to "get through it alone" when we need counseling, drugs, etc. Now that I am sober, my BPD dx is largely irrelevant, because my behavior and emotional state is entirely different .... thanks to my sobriety. I do continue to take one med related to mental needs, and probably will indefinitely because if it is one effective tool in my toolbox, why not.
We can all justify "slips" or "just a couple of times" etc etc and we can keep drinking and killing ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally.
Or, we can accept that we are alcoholics, choose to never drink again, and live an entirely different existence.
It truly is better on this side, in every possible way. I hope you decide to quit drinking for good. You can do it.
Now sounds like the perfect time for AA and to call a dr. Good luck.
Is your life unmanageable, causing you problems because of your choices, leading to feelings you hate? Sounds so. Does focusing on what you may or may not have done help you to know what to do now? Probably not. You know what you need to do.
Concerning not being on meds and suffering the panic/anxiety, as well as being bipolar....are you under a dr's care? If the actual dx has been bipolar (like BPD was for me), then care and most likely meds might be an excellent plan- can you seek help for that and at that level of attention now? IMO, and IME, we do not have to "get through it alone" when we need counseling, drugs, etc. Now that I am sober, my BPD dx is largely irrelevant, because my behavior and emotional state is entirely different .... thanks to my sobriety. I do continue to take one med related to mental needs, and probably will indefinitely because if it is one effective tool in my toolbox, why not.
We can all justify "slips" or "just a couple of times" etc etc and we can keep drinking and killing ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally.
Or, we can accept that we are alcoholics, choose to never drink again, and live an entirely different existence.
It truly is better on this side, in every possible way. I hope you decide to quit drinking for good. You can do it.
Now sounds like the perfect time for AA and to call a dr. Good luck.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by anonimuser 
I don't know what is real, what was a dream or what I've imagined.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Yes I've had false memories that blend in with my blackout....obsessing for days about whether something happened or didn't happen....reality is, you will never know what really happened and it's best to try to accept that and move on. Remember this next time you are tempted to drink.....is it worth it? Doesn't sound like it to me.
You never have to feel this way again if you don't want to!
You never have to feel this way again if you don't want to!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 19
Hi,
First - I am still sober.
About my bipolar - yes I have meds, but the dosage is too strong so I will need to consult my doctor about it.
I am feeling much better but my mind still goes back and ''remember'' things.
Now I have more clear memories about stuff, I don't know if they are real or I imagined it.
But memories are nothing special, it was just blah blah blah blah, read this, read that.
I don't feel anxiety and panic about them anymore.
First - I am still sober.
About my bipolar - yes I have meds, but the dosage is too strong so I will need to consult my doctor about it.
I am feeling much better but my mind still goes back and ''remember'' things.
Now I have more clear memories about stuff, I don't know if they are real or I imagined it.
But memories are nothing special, it was just blah blah blah blah, read this, read that.
I don't feel anxiety and panic about them anymore.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by anonimuser
Hi,
First - I am still sober.
About my bipolar - yes I have meds, but the dosage is too strong so I will need to consult my doctor about it.
I am feeling much better but my mind still goes back and ''remember'' things.
Now I have more clear memories about stuff, I don't know if they are real or I imagined it.
But memories are nothing special, it was just blah blah blah blah, read this, read that.
I don't feel anxiety and panic about them anymore.
First - I am still sober.
About my bipolar - yes I have meds, but the dosage is too strong so I will need to consult my doctor about it.
I am feeling much better but my mind still goes back and ''remember'' things.
Now I have more clear memories about stuff, I don't know if they are real or I imagined it.
But memories are nothing special, it was just blah blah blah blah, read this, read that.
I don't feel anxiety and panic about them anymore.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by anonimuser
My mind is still creating new memories.
Is this because of bipolar?
I've never experienced that before now those flashback/fake memories seem even more real than real memories.
Is this because of bipolar?
I've never experienced that before now those flashback/fake memories seem even more real than real memories.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
