shortstop81

I hate the feeling of Day One, as it seems I come to it over and over again.

I'll be heading back to treatment for my 'free week' to get myself back on my feet again. I keep asking myself - do I need some awful thing to happen before I'm committed to long-term sobriety?

I hate how this addiction turns me into a liar, and how I keep secrets from the people I love. Every time I act this way it eats away at my soul, because it's not who I really am. But again, can we really distinguish between who we are and what we *do*?

Dee74

I think we can distinguish between the two...but things are a lot more peaceful when what I do reflects who I am

what do you think keeps you drinking, shortstop?

D

shortstop81

I keep thinking that "I have this" as soon as I get some sobriety under my belt. And for some reason I cave when I inevitably get a craving.

All evidence points to I DON'T have this, and never will. Yet all rationality flies out the window in the face of alcohol.

courage2

It's a slippery slope between that question and the insidious idea that one is born to be a drunk/addict. I personally over-identified as an alcoholic. I thought drinking & me were one & the same. That made it extra- hard for me to quit -- I didn't believe I had a self that didn't drink.

That was nonsense. All I had to do was quit to find out.

You can be what you think you're not. And you *will* find a better self inside you, when you quit.

Good luck! Let this be the start of real recovery!

ScottFromWI

That's why's you cannot reason your way our of it...and you have to accept that there isn't a "rational" solution to addiction. You simply have to accept that you ARE an alcoholic. Once you do that things get a lot easier.

Welcome back and I hope you have a productive week at rehab. Try and keep an open mind and learn as much as you can.

advbike

Most of us drink for a reason.. old emotional pain, an overactive ego, bad thinking, frustration, anxiety. I had most of those. Have you thought about why you drink? Really? What your mind is telling you when you want one? It's important to identify that so you can create a defense. None of us did very well just sing we weren't going to drink anymore.

Ghostlight1

I've had plenty of day ones. Hundreds. And lots of awful things happened to me during my drinking career, but it never stopped me from drinking until I reached the abyss of not being able to drink and not being able to stop.
It's a dark, lonely, terrifying place.

Who I was, was an alcoholic and drink is what I did. A lot.
Now, I don't drink and have some choice in the type of person I strive to be and what I do, and I'm responsible for my actions, the change has been amazing.
I was responsible for my actions while drinking, too. Being drunk is no cop out to rationalize your actions. I chose to drink, I chose to lie, steal and hurt people. For that I am responsible and own it.
You're so right. It is a soul stealing way of life.

Good news is, you never have to drink again. I don't and I was, obviously, a bad case.
You can do it, too. Just don't give up on yourself before the miracle happens.

Soberwolf

shortstop81

"Good news is, you never have to drink again."

Thanks Ghostlight, I know I've heard that before, but I really needed to hear that now. All that pain, shame, regret, can be a part of my past and I never have to feel that way again.

Day Two this morning. Feels much better so far than Day One. I'll be heading in to work shortly.

KeyofC

It's the hardest thing you'll ever do but most rewarding. If you look at my blog, I recently posted a lot of links that are available to help you get a plan, to help you through cravings, to help give you things to think about. They are great links that others here on SR have posted I'm sharing only cause people need it so much.
Cram your brain full of information, keep pushing, keep digging, don't give in, don't give up. You're worth it!

ScottFromWI

How's it going Shortstop?

shortstop81

Good, Scott. I'm sober tonight. I spent quality time with my son, and now I'm just watching TV. I'm grateful that I will wake up tomorrow without a hangover.

Everything's been set up - I'll be heading back to my treatment centre this weekend.

YoungHyde25

Back when I used to drink all the time, I would lie to everyone and myself. I think withdrawal symptoms have a little bit to do with it. I don't know if anyone else experienced this but after a day of heaving drinking I would feel overemotional and sad. I just felt like apologizing to everyone and I felt really bad about little things I would do. But this was temporary, and then it would wear off, I would get upset with myself for apologizing over little things.

It's terribly hard to be honest when you aren't sober, not just because of your will, but because your brain isn't really operating the right way, it's still trying to rebalance the chemicals that are very important to how you function. How do you even know if what your feeling or thinking is real?

I'm glad you're getting treatment though.

Hevyn

Hi shortstop. I'm so glad you're going back this weekend. You sound ready to do this.

I let alcohol turn me into a deceitful & selfish person. I never knew what would happen once those first few drinks were in my system. Danger and recklessness were guaranteed. It was such a relief to stop and get free - after a lifetime of trying to manage it. You can do this.

shortstop81

Day Three is almost at an end. I was very irritable and depressed today. Emotional and sad about the state of my life....like an internal pity party.

My divorce is almost final, and I'm currently in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I'm a single mother nowadays, and I'm finding myself seriously mourning the idea of my own family unit. Not that I ever had that in my marriage, and nothing would ever convince me to go back to my ex. Often I felt like the female version of Clark Griswold - trying like a fool to create the 'perfect' family experience in the face of cynicism and bad luck.

But my ex is moving on, and I feel somehow that life is dealt me a crappy hand when it comes to love and family. But again, I know rationally that I'm not ready for these things until I'm of healthy mind and body. But still, envy and resentment are very much HERE right now...

shortstop81

Day Five nearly done now. Emotionally I'm still all over the map, but physically feeling a bit better. I still have the sweats and some noise sensitivity. I can track my symptoms like clockwork, I've done this so many times.

Tomorrow I'm heading back up to inpatient treatment. It's not a full month, but rather a free 'follow-up' week that the centre provides to any former clients who feel they need some extra support. If I feel I need it, I'll stay longer.

uncorked

Hi shortstop, I wish you well during your week in treatment. I am also going through a divorce and I understand how you feel. It's really hard sometimes. I'm glad you're making strides toward sobriety, it will be worth it in the end.

cairn

The (apparent) end for me there was a distinct shift from 'who am i' (appropriate for teenagers) to 'who the hell do i think i am'.

Was sorta gravitational.

Loekken

Best of luck.

For me, the awful thing that happened was my wife leaving me and my losing daily contact to my son. It was terrible enough for me and made me give sobriety a proper go.

And so it leaves me wondering ever so often, why did it have to come to this? Seems so much like I almost forced myself out over the edge, that this had to happen before I finally woke up. Because I never imagined losing them. It's bad but sometimes these things just have to happen before we relinquish our egoistic trip.

Dee74

Best wishes Shortstop

D