sleepie

Had to do a little "house cleaning". I really don't like to feel that way about someone. However this person has been degrading towards me and is also deceitful and manipulative. I thought maybe it was me being overly sensitive or just "taking the bait" too many times.

That's not the case. This person is a career drinker. Decades. I can't stand to list all the qualities that consume them now either as a result of addiction or maybe it is just who they are. But it is worst case scenario, and they are visibly falling apart physically as well. I used to feel bad for them, but now I just want to move on with my life in sobriety and I can't have someone that makes me feel bad every time we talk. What's worse is they are a phony. The same person who is always going on about how they are so "positive" and just so full of joy- is verbally abusive, passive aggressive and actually one of the angriest and meanest people I have met.

He isn't fooling me or anyone else. His grandiosity will eventually be the end of him.

In the mean time I am done with it.

Soberwolf

What's happened ?

sleepie

Just someone that I used to hang out with, less over the years and was debating to finally just stop communicating. They are simply bad for me to be around. I have seen this is also the way they treat some others as well.

I suppose it can be considered a different kind of cleanse.

Impurrfect

Good for you, Sleepie!! I've done a bit of the same type of cleaning lately.

sleepie

Sometimes it needs to be done impurrfect. It drains a person to be good to someone all the time and they abuse it. I am just doing the best I can. This person has stolen from me, lied to me and many others and has been mean to me right to my face and humiliating. I guess, good luck with all that. I used to maintain just out of feeling bad but I can't anymore.

oldsoul112249

Good for you ...waking up to the fact that you are better than that kind of treatment. The results of making good choices will show up in your life.

Soberwolf

Sleepie you done yourself a massive favor I had to drop a lot of so called friends in real life & now I have real friends like you & everyone here & your all over the world which is cool

Sorry this happened but youl be better for it x

zjw

i had the same problem sleeepie. I just didnt know how to cut the cord with this long time friend. I finally just faded into the background it helped but this person would still text me and every few months i'd text them I just couldnt bring myself to totally walk i felt so bad doing so. Tho i felt AWESOME having this person out of my life. Everytime i talked to this person i always felt crappy or something with how they'd talk to me and such. the relationship was basicly toxic and wasnt doing me any favors.

fast forward tho in the last few weeks we started talking more. I'm trying to kepe my distance and keept he conversation to small talk and such and if it goes sour i'll just have to cut the cord again.

its hard I hate to be the bad guy in my situation but i cant go on feeling like garbage either.

I even mentioned it on the board way back when as well.

someone told me when someone shows you who they really are believe them.

another quote i've head is sometimes things get removed from our lives and we shoudlnt go chasing after them just let them go.

I hope it works out well for you it sounds like a smart move.

foryoumyson

Im going through the same thing but with my father. Hes a poor role model and person to my 3 year old son . He dosent see my son for a week or to then when he does he does nothing with him because the drinks more important and being isolated is more important than spending time with his grandson . I dont want his child hood to be like mine revolved around alcohol and me doing the same thing.

So I want to cut out the toxins in mine and his life but im not sure how to do so because it will be a huge fight I can already see .

zjw

for what its worth i've found that if i remove the things from my life that bring me grief and negative issues and focus my attention on the things that are good and bring me good stuff things are way better.

Obviously its not always 100% possibel to say cut out a father but at the same time one can just drop the attachment keep a distance and not throw to much energy at the relationship.

IE put your focus on stuff that bears really good fruit etc.. then you can keep the good stuff flowing.

But some of these toxic influences i've heard it said can be like leaving all the windows open in your house during a blizzard and allowing all your stuff to be blown all over the friggen place. Heck even leaving just one window open can be too much even tho you never invited it in etc..

August252015

Yep, getting rid of people in your life can be hard. Necessary sometimes, though.

I am fortunate that I haven't had to cut pre-sober friends out - I am really reinvesting and re-nurturing those instead- but I have already (153 days in) had to cut off (1x) and curtail/change the boundaries with (a different 1x) people in AA itself. Learning boundaries and ONLY keeping people who are good for me - not in a selfish, using them way, but in a healthy, who do I want to be like way (the AA advice to look for the people in the rooms whom you want to be like). Actually feels good to do - though sometimes tricky to maintain (at least for this pleaser).

Sounds like you made the right choice.

sleepie

I am really surprised that so many people thanked and replied to this post. I really thought I was being "negative'. I feel horrible acting this way towards someone.

But, you know how drinking is fun for awhile- then it's kind of not as much....then it is fun briefly and totally sucks for more time than it is fun, so then you quit? You're asking yourself, "What am I even doing this for, I don't even need it?"

That's pretty much what this is like!

least

Sometimes a friendship stops working. And sometimes the 'friends' become toxic. It's not necessarily pretty, but necessary sometimes to cut them loose and move on.

fini

well, sleepie, you listed a bunch of negatives about the person, but what you're doing sounds more in the "self-care" department. which is a healthy thing to do.
and it's always made sense to me that we "see" differently after we've been sober/clean a while.

newhope01

I've had to do that type of cleaning recently as well but I've found now I've kind of isolated myself from others. It sucks to feel lonely but it's better than to be abused.

Gottalife

I had the same issues with my mother and sister, drinking alcoholics, and sister in law, toxic in other ways. I had to keep my children well protected from them. Now they are older, they see why and don't fall for the manipulation.

I don't need toxic people in my life, but sometimes you can get stuck with one in your family. It can still be dealt with in a way that keeps me and mine out of harms way.

In a more general sense, I have found it impossible to get my life running so perfectly that I wouldn't need to drink. It can't be done. There are things I can change, like jobs, the people around me, the places I live, and there are things I can do nothing about like disease, people's attitudes, natural and economic disasters etc.

What will happen when a love one gets sick, a job is lost, a business fails, a partner leaves,or my house burns down? Or some other disaster that comes out of nowhere. Just being sober does not make us immune from these events. They come to everyone. Most of them have come to me, but I have a new way of living that saw me cope without the need to drink.

sleepie

August you got me thinking on the boundaries thing. I realized I am very bad at that, my whole life I have pretty much felt I should just be happy with whoever takes me, I hadn't really any friends growing up and experienced a lot, a lot a lot of rejection. That coupled with an abusive home really screwed me up socially. As an adult I was amazed anyone would even talk to me at all, and took it for granted that I'd be tossed away eventually. It was only when I started drinking that I became more socially adept. But since I quit I have reverted back to being horribly self conscious every minute of every day. I am still really bad at boundaries. Basically if someone is a friend to me I will just about walk over crushed glass if they asked me too, because I am so worried about disappointing them.

zjw

yeah sleepie for me I'd befriend anyone and not even notice the bad things that where blareingly obvious or i'd make excuses for those things for the sake of me being nice and such. I'd give people the benefit of the doubt way to many times as well thinking maybe this time would be different an expecting a diff outcome. ONly to get crapped on again then i'd feel bad all over again about that as well. It was really stupid of me but its like I didnt know any different.

I dont want to say that there are bad people out there because I do still think everyones a decent person just some of us are at various difficult spots in life etc.. or something. Or some of us do to life situations have been molded into crappy people.

I dunno when i got sober i started to realize sometimes i'm better off alone. I also became ok with that too and learned how to appreciate the alone time.

Tho in my case with 6 kids and a wife i'm never totally alone. Living in my house is like having 10 people screaming 5 inches from your face all day long *sigh*.

Berrybean

You're not being negative at all. It sounds like a very positive move (as long as you don't waste any energy building or holding onto any resentments about it, or feeling guilty about taking steps to protect your sobriety).

I have some people that I feel are going to go the same way. There is a fairly big social event that I am going to have no choice but to be involved with them happening in the next couple of months, so I am working on keeping my expectations realistic (ie low) and working past any resentments that threaten to pop up by discussing it with people who can help me. After the social event is passed I shall quietly slip away from the fold. What they want and value is now very different to what I want and value. In all honesty, as I'm the one who has changed, they probably feel the same frustration with me, who knows (or cares). Some friendships are just not destined to last the course.

Soberwolf

I read a great book on boundaries hit me up if you want the title sleepie x