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Old 07-23-2016, 05:54 AM
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It's all my fault

Next month I will be sober two years. Right now I want to drink to escape from my problems. . I am praying but God has given me too many opportunities and I wasted them. I am now paying for the consequences of my sins.
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Old 07-23-2016, 06:52 AM
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Don't drink over it! What's going on?
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Old 07-23-2016, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Truckinon View Post
Next month I will be sober two years. Right now I want to drink to escape from my problems. . I am praying but God has given me too many opportunities and I wasted them. I am now paying for the consequences of my sins.
Your problems aren't going to go away if you drink.

In fact it may make things worse to say nothing of the self-loathing you'll likely experience for blowing two years.

You sinned? Happens to the best of us.

However, there are much better ways to make amends than to pick up a drink.
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Old 07-23-2016, 07:07 AM
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There will always be more opportunities.

We all take a glance in the rear view mirror now and then, but don't stare at it - that's dangerous!
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Old 07-23-2016, 07:43 AM
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I think it's probably time you really shared your problems with someone Truckinon. Do you see a therapist? Obviously drinking won't solve them and you are not able/willing to share them here, which is certainly understandable.

Self loathing can be related to depression and other issues that are very treatable, and we have all done things in the past that we regret. You've already put 2 years into being sober which is fantastic, but you need to learn to forgive yourself.
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Old 07-23-2016, 08:00 AM
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Well, share them. I am a firm believer if you get it out there you can examine it better. Hind sight is 20/20. Could've, should've, would've.
If I look hard enough I am sure I can find lots of opportunities I've missed or I've thrown away. Matter of fact, I know there are. That's with all of us. It's called being human. I tell ya, we do the best we can in the moment. Sure, it's not always the right thing, but you're doing the best you can in the moment.
Hash it out...there are plenty of smart people on here with encouraging words, experience to share, words of wisdom...they've been helping me for over a year! Don't beat yourself up...((Hug)) Missed or thrown away opportunities may or may not have a thing to do with being an alcoholic either. Just my two cents..
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Old 07-23-2016, 10:27 AM
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ya know the "its all my fault" feeling is deep and strong for me for the first few years of sobriety and even now it is. But its also a very humbling feeling. Its helped me realize i had to man bad attatchemtns and false expectations etc.. I stopped beating myself up over it tho after a while and was more or less thankful i was human like anyone else and realized that everything happens for a reason and everything is just the way that it is and thats the way that it is suppost to be.

I dunno I became more accepting of things as they are and found a lot of peace in that.

is a ton of stuff all my fault ABSOLUTLY and a ton of stuff Is STILL all my fault. whatever i got big shoulders ::shrug::

its not that big of a deal we are only human gotta be gentle with ourselves gotta be able to forgive ourselves etc..

let me ask if someone else makes mistakes are you more forgiving and gentle and compassionate to them then you are to yourself?
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Old 07-23-2016, 10:29 AM
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i've also heard it diff ways as well like. where i am in life is where i should be . there is no right or wrong. there just is. everything comes about in its own way etc..

maybe your mistakes where not really mistakes but rather helping to mold you into a better person etc..
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Old 07-23-2016, 10:30 AM
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Drinking always made things worse for me.

Stay sober and move forward. Learn from this, but don't hurt yourself or others now.

Sending you love and hugs
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Old 07-23-2016, 10:59 AM
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Don't drink and make your problems a gazillion times worse it will only add to your suffering

When one door shuts a window opens my friend I know this to be true
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Old 07-23-2016, 11:02 AM
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Thank you everybody. I am so full of guilt and shame. I am a terrible husband, father, human being. My family is suffering terribly for all my mistakes, mistakes I have made in sobriety. Through indecision and procrastination on my part. Depression and anxiety have played a great part in it but I can't blame it all on mental illness. I needed to take action and take care of my family.

We are being evicted from our home in one week. My wife wants a divorce.. I am losing everything I loved in life. Everything is crashing down on me at once, and it could have been so easy to take care of the situation, I had plenty of time and opportunities, God kept giving me so many chances. I could not face my problems like a man should and provide for his family. Now my son must endure the humiliation we will face when we are put out of our home. There are many other issues like my health but they are secondary to this.

I am just so overwhelmed by the trouble I have caused for us. It was not anything I did, it was what I did not do. And I want to run. I have always been a runner, not able to face reality. And I want to numb myself out, just shut off the pain and get some relief from it all. I have not had a drink in 10 years and I am scared how I will react, and it is insane reasoning but the only solution my alcoholic mind can come up with is to drink.

I live in a nightmarish world of fear, anxiety, depression, self loathing, guilt and shame. It never lets up. I just want everything to go away. I am such a loser and I hate myself for it.
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Old 07-23-2016, 11:52 AM
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Those are certainly difficult issues to deal with Truckinon, thanks for sharing. I feel for you in a very difficult time.

Think of it this way though....you still have a chance to make this right. Drinking is a 100% guaranteed ticket to more misery, more shame and more sorrow for you and everyone around you. It won't "numb out" any of your problems...you'll just be drunk and even less capable of dealing with them.

If you are employed, you may have an employee assistance program that can help you with what to do next. If you are unemployed there are govt resources that can help yon do the same. You can speak with your therapist if you have one, or your local help line ( look in the front of the phone book ) as much of your current sorrow most likely related to mental illness or coping strategies. The past is done...yon need to find help so you can focus on today.
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Old 07-23-2016, 11:57 AM
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You say you have been sober for two years and then you say you have not had a drink in ten years?
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Old 07-23-2016, 12:38 PM
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Darwinia. Yes I have not had a drink in ten years. I was sober 8 years on my own when I suffered a severe nervous breakdown. I had major depression and anxiety. I was put on anti depressants and the benzo klonopin. I abused the klonopin by taking more than prescribed, though only for a short period.

So, now I am sober, alcohol and drug free, for two years.
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Old 07-23-2016, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Truckinon View Post
So, now I am sober, alcohol and drug free, for two years.
That's fantastic Truckinon. There are lots and lots of people who would give nearly anything to say that. Move forward and try to find resources to help with your current issues with as much conviction as your dedication to sobrierty.
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Old 07-23-2016, 12:59 PM
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this too shall pass.
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Old 07-23-2016, 01:04 PM
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Couple stories to ponder

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.

Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!


"It was this story that papa[papaji] told me, I say like this, about one girl, and she was just about to get married, no, and she was, the next day, she’s getting married the next day, and she’s been planning everything for this wedding, because it’s a traditional place. And in this place, you don’t get to be with your beloved in any intimate way, until you are married. So, tomorrow is the wedding, no, tomorrow is the wedding day, yes, and so today, she must make the final arrangement. And this girl lives in the forest. She lives in the forest and she’s, now today, final arrangements, she has a few appointments. First I must go to the cake maker. And after the cake maker, I must see the dressmaker. After the dressmaker I must go and see the priest, to go through my vows. And then finally at the end of the day I will see my beloved, and we’ll have a cup of tea together, look forward to tomorrow, and then tomorrow I’ll be, we’ll be in each other’s arms, oh wonderful! And she’s full of the joys of Spring. And she’s walking out in the forest to go to see the cake maker, first appointment on the list. And after a few steps, right in front of her, steps a lion. Face to face, like this. Hungry lion also. And she can feel it’s breath….like this. Then in that instant, you see, the cake maker’s appointment is gone. Then the dressmaker, not there. The priest, not there. Only the beloved, also not there. In this moment, absolutely alone. No time, no future, no intention, no past, no identity. So the master says, “welcome the lion on your path”. Because until then, you are planning a tomorrow you don’t have, a next week that nobody promise and all of this. And our minds are full of the noise of otherness. What will bring you to this instant this moment? When will you spend one moment to be just you? Not carrying some message for tomorrow or something. You see? And it’s the habit that all of us, we have it. And so we are full of noise, claustrophobic with noise. What will strip you back to that place? Beyond time and intention, you see. How far are you from this place now? What’s left to do? What unfinished business is left to do? Before you can simply be your being, be yourself. Because the mind is not going to have a holiday. There is something that is not in the next moment, not in the past moment, also. Don’t look anywhere to find it. Even your very search to find it is already arising in it. We are missing the obvious. Don’t seek help from your mind….." -mooji
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Old 07-23-2016, 04:22 PM
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some awesome advice here Truckinon

whatever problems have you down I hope you find a healthy positive solution - lean on us - we have your back

D
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Old 07-24-2016, 07:25 AM
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I think you're a winner. You've overcome a lot of obstacles already. If you start drinking there's no guarantee that you can quit again. Then where will you be?
Hang in there man.
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Old 07-24-2016, 10:13 AM
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Hi Truckinon,

I'm so sorry to hear about all your troubles......just remember that drinking will only make your problems a lot worse. We all make mistakes and it seems that you are owning up to yours and taking responsibility for them. That is huge. It takes a lot of self awareness to recognize when we have screwed up. Maybe now you can start taking baby steps to improve things.
Reaching out to your friends here was a good step in the right direction.

Remember the saying, It's always darkest right before dawn. This reminds me that as dark as our lives may get (and I've had some dark, pitch black moments), it's only temporary and the sun will shine again. It did for me and it will for you too.
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