Berrybean

Have you thought about reaching out and utilising a recovery program? I know that I could not have dealt this all the guilt, shame, anger, resentment and fear that I was carrying round with each alone. I'd have been in just the same state as you are now. Luckily I managed to get to some AA meetings. After a painful depressive phase which saw me getting counselling (in which I used a very alcoholic brand of honesty - ie lied by only telling the counsellor what I thought would sound okayish) I finally realised that my denial was so strong that I was almost delusional. I could never figure anything out properly because I couldn't bear to look at anything wholly. I just caught glimpses of thoughts and they churned round in my head, especially in the wee hours of the nighttime, or when I was alone. Anyway. That was when I realised I needed to try something that I'd been unwilling to try before. I asked someone to sponsor me - a tough old bird, with a good few decades of sobriety, a strong relationship with her husband that she has rebuilt and continuously works on, and the ability to say exactly what I need to hear (even if its not what I want to hear). She guided me through the step work, and helped me find the courage to make those inventories and learn from my past rather than just torture myself with it. I didn't realise the weight of the rocks I was carrying until I'd dropped them. Now I'm not wasting all that emotional energy every day, it is so much easier to live life on life's terms, and find solutions to the everyday challenges that I face.

Wishing you well for your recovery.
BB