August252015

Hi- and congrats on 6 months! I look forward to being there soon.

A lot of sage advice here- from voices you will see around the boards. Hope you take their words to heart.

I do want to say....please listen to the part of you that really wants to be sober. I am kinda surprised that you are sober this long if you have been feeling this way all along - you don't HAVE to be alone. I know while I simply CANNOT ever drink again because of the damage I have done to my body, I could not be on my emotional journey without AA and all the support I have sought and now have.

And PLEASE - do not play around with Antabuse. I say that from experience- I took it for awhile, and on and off re dosage, last year WHILE I was still drinking. I had one bad episode that resembled DTs/detox and am fortunate it wasn't worse; my psych had certainly warned me I was toying with death, even, if I did this. This year, my psych and I decided I would go on it again and she had me sign a line on a piece of paper every day- and have a witness signature- for 90 days. I did it- and it was just part of m routine since I decided to commit to it; I ended up stopping it at the 90 day appt. Again, please take this med serious- it is superb if used correctly. Don't bother if you wont do it that way.

Good luck. Don't drink today. Look for other support, even if it is tough. You have gotten this far - you CAN choose to keep going.

Dee74

Congrats 2012Starlight

If lifes not what you want to to be, what would make it better for you?

D

Loekken

Thanks. That's an easy question not so easy to answer for me I was hoping to reunite with my (now) ex wife and son, but this might not happen after all. I don't want to go on alone; don't even have a clear idea how to. I'm not the most sociable person and not that easily approachable either - I think a lot of people perceive me as being a bit cold and arrogant, especially when they don't know me well. This is partly a defense mechanism of mine, though.

Berrybean

Maybe it's time to start taking down that wall. I needed to get help with that, and it was scary and not easy at times, but I'm glad I did it now.

KAD

I wonder if that's how people perceive me because I'm mostly quiet and tend to keep to myself much of the time. I also have a tendency to make wisecracks with every intention of trying to lighten the mood (mostly my own maybe), but sometimes I don't know if other people know how to take me. It's not intended as mockery or to belittle anybody, but is likely a defense mechanism for me, too. If I don't feel like I'm going to be taken seriously, or maybe don't want to feel like I need other people, I'll try to appeal to their sense of humor instead. It's always fun to laugh.

But...I go ahead and make myself get out there anyway. I know isolating leads me down the wrong path. If nothing changes, nothing changes. You mentioned earlier that the sorts of friendships you have usually involved having "a" beer. (When was the last time you had a beer?) Not to sound trite, but if they really are your friends, not having beers together should be irrelevant. A lot of us have come to find out that some friends were nothing but drinking buddies. When it came down to really knowing each other, there was little there to build a true friendship. It may not be the case all the time, but very well could be a lot of the time.

Loekken

Well I very rarely had 1 beer, that's true. And if I open a bottle of wine, I don't leave it half empty for the next day. I don't think I could. And about the friends, a couple of them I know at least are genuine (maybe more) so everything wouldn't have to revolve around drinking with them.

The thing is, I don't even feel like hooking up with them sober, so it's probably me who's the problem, so to say. Guess it also means I'm still very much psychologically dependent, which I previously touched upon. It sounds stupid but it seems I still didn't get burned or scared enough to get used to the idea of never touching a drink again in my life, even though I in fact nearly died just 18 months ago from alcoholic asphyxiation.

Darwinia

Most of battle just like you do. Our social lives revolved around drinking. It is very difficult to be with people. Yet, all said and done, no matter how you suffer now, do you really want to go back to drinking? Really? Have all that again. Your hard work sobriety is such an achievement. 6 months is great. I am only on 3 months now and I admire all who are futher along the path that I so desperately seek.

Stick to your guns, suffer if you have to, you know the reward is immense and the alternative gastly. Go out, alone, go to a park, take a walk, go to the movies, do anything you have but just stick to your goal. Very well done so far.

KAD

When I first got involved in AA, I used to joke with my sponsor that I'd never give a talk because my story was just not interesting enough. It was plain boring, I said. A few months later, it got a whole lot more interesting, although that was definitely not my intention. When I do give a talk now, I avoid getting into quantities of alcohol consumed or frequency of drinking too much because I know a lot of people, like myself, might be tempted to say, "Well, see, I was never that bad, so I can't be an alcoholic."

It's always better to quit while we're ahead, and as long as we're still alive, we're still ahead. We can't treat this like a competition. The only way to win it is to die. There's always a lower rung on the way to the bottom. The lowest is death. I know all that probably sounds very dramatic and fatalistic, but it's true. I wish I knew the right words to convince you that you need to continue in your sobriety. I wish someone had said them to me before I nearly killed myself and lost almost everything. The steps to do what I believe you know you should do are totally up to you to take.

GratefulJunkie

Your little bit of your story and feelings you've shared here, whether you like/want to believe it, is not unique! If you never have, I would recommend reading "The Doctors Opinion" in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. What it taught me - that I never understood, or truly believed - is that we alcoholics have an Obsession of The Mind, and an Allergy Of The Body. And what it comes down to, is a spiritual malady causing that obsession. Even dry, I can't enjoy life, i can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can't be comfortable in a room of ppl, big or small. I can't handle or react to normal life situations. Because I am an alcoholic, and my spiritual life is NILL. 'Spiritual Life' does NOT mean you gotta believe in God ( as in the God of Catholics or the God of Christians etc...) what you believe in is up to you. But until I can open my mind, accept that I am not powerful enough to fix my own life. And become willing to truly try something new....I will never be relieved of that obsession. Because I'm always looking for what can relieve that anxiety, pain, discomfort, fear, worry etc etc. and I already know that alcohol will do this for me. Until I work the 12 steps of AA, I don't know there's anything else that CAN. And that obsession takes me to that first drink. The first drink sparks the allergy, which causes a craving and the craving makes me thirsty. Whether I have one or 30 drinks....it's NEVER enough. And once I pass out, I wake up thinking about the next drink. Even if I gotta wait 6,12,24 months to get it. I'll be miserable until I get it. But I will eventually get back to it. Unless I do something differently. And thankfully somebody explained to me very simply, I'm only 12 steps from feeling better. From being rocketed into a 4th dimension of living. I didn't know what that meant...but I wanted it. And now I'm here, and I went from feeling nearly exactly like you are, to having a life better than I ever imagined. My problems are still here, but I have a spiritual life today. Sorry for the novel. Hope you start to feel better.

Berrybean

Yes. This. 100%. Beautifully put GJ.

Lautca

Hi, 2012Starlight. First of all, your 6 months of sobriety is darned impressive to me. What you are working on is kind of like climbing up a ladder out of a hole, where climbing up the ladder is not easy. You have already done that, so the first part of your work has been accomplished - just remember that it is easy to fall back down the hole (ask me how I know). So please consider using your antabuse as prescribed because it can help prevent you from falling back in. Usually, the more time you have sober, the more it helps you stay that way. Being out of the hole will now allow you to move on to fixing what got you down there to begin with. Everybody has things that need fixing, so you are not alone.

I know moving on to where you need to be can be very frustrating and frightening. In the book "Alcoholics Anonymous", it explains how simply talking to someone else who is going through what you are is enormously helpful with alleviating the at-first painful processes that lead to sobriety. This is the key thing that Dr. Bob and Bill W discovered that makes AA and other programs work. If you haven't read the book "Alcoholics Anonymous", get a copy – I recently got one for a friend for about the cost of three candy bars. What I am getting at has nothing to do with one's religiosity or accepting religion, it works because you get face-to-face unconditional tolerance and understanding regarding alcoholism from another human-being, the kind of unconditional acceptance that a lot of people have never experienced even once in their lives! From my own experience, that kind of unconditional acceptance is very comforting for any kind of unpleasant circumstance. But remember that you simply can't go find just anyone going through what you are in order to commiserate with, finding others who are "safe" is best done in a controlled setting like in AA or other sobriety groups. I don't specifically advocate AA, I didn't go through them myself, but I know others who have, and AA's success is rather impressive. There are a lot more resources available now than there were when I was still a young "professional drunk" 35 years ago, and other resources are listed at this site.

I know you mentioned that you have issues with being around others, but this is in part where doing what is called "taking baby steps" is of paramount importance. In AA and other similar meetings geared toward ultimately being sober, anyone who is not disruptive to meetings is welcome. Silent participants are just as welcome as anyone else because the first goal of being there is to experience and learn from others – meetings are not necessarily "show-and-tell" sessions (but all success stories are EXTREMELY welcome). In some places there are even several different kinds of meetings available to suit the personalities and specific problems of those who are headed toward sobriety (like specific time of day including after midnight for shift workers, men-only, women-only, mixed gender, the various LGBT groups, the young, the elderly, specific cultures, - you get the idea). So having problems being around others, including those who you don't relate to, may be helped a lot by not being required to actively participate, along with choosing what group is best for you to attend, or even attend several groups per day. If it still bothers you, just remember to take baby steps in the right direction by going whenever you are up to it. But there is one thing you must have, which is a sincere desire to get sober. No one can help you, except you, and you have to want that. One of the many purposes of AA, and others like it, is to support you when your subconscious brain overrules your conscious brain's desire to become sober. There are parts of your brain that will sabotage your efforts, like the amygdalae, but the feelings they generate will usually subside pretty fast when you can talk to someone you can trust who has already been there.

I'm nobody special, so if I got sober, so can you. Like you, I have been sober just one day at a time. That is my secret, just one single day at a time staying sober.

Good Luck!

Lautca

Dee74

I was pretty good at stopping drinking, but I finally realised to stay stopped I needed some changes.

Changes in my ideas of fun, changes in my playmates, changes in the way I tried to solve problems and changes in the way I felt about myself....

Sounds like you're pretty much constrained right now from drinking, but what's it going to be like when those constraints aren't there?

Think about the kind of life you want and who you want to be., I'm willing to bet drinking like we do runs counter to both things.

Why not start building a sober life you love...right now?

D

Loekken

I can try to make these changes; the problem still is, I don't truly believe they will help. I feel as if I'd be kidding myself, just as I do when I pretend to let my surroundings (and myself) know I'll never drink again. Because I don't honestly believe in that. Not that I didn't wish I would.

So yes, I can pretend to have 'fun' in life without the booze - but it would just be pretending. And you're right by the way, I am very much constrained from drinking - that's exactly what I am. I am waiting to find my own apartment, so that I will be the only one who decides if I pick up a drink or not. Being alone - all alone, finally - likely means I get drunk again. Might be in a month, might be in another 6 months. Just a matter of time.

Berrybean

Working on your recovery and learning to be comfortable and happy in sobriety is not, by any stretch of the imagination, the same as staying sober and pretending to have fun without the booze. The second thing is what people refreshing to as white-knuckling sobriety, and generally it is painful, depressing, anxiety making, and unsustainable.

We do have choices. I know it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment, but we really do. And the choices are to carry on drinking and watch as our lives become increasingly unmanageable, staying sober by white-knuckling it, probably punctuated with increasingly painful relapses, or commit ourselves to a life of sobriety in which we take responsibility for our recoveries, our relationships, our actions, and our happiness, and find some freedom from the misery of active alcoholism. It is a choice.


As Bill Sees It
January 4
Can We Choose?, p. 4

We must never be blinded by the futile philosophy that we are just the hapless victims of our inheritance, of our life experience, and of our surroundings–that these are the sole forces that make our decisions for us. This is not the road to freedom. We have to believe that we can really choose.

<< << << >> >> >>

“As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whether we would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction.

“Yet we finally did make choices that brought about our recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice A.A.’s Twelve Steps.

“In short, we chose to ‘become willing,’ and no better choice did we ever make.”

1. Grapevine, November 1960
2. Letter, 1966?

KeyofC

Well, my gosh...you have been through a tremendous amount in the last little bit. I'm sure you are depressed. I would be. I stand in awe of people who can quit smoking, quit drinking, get divorced, move to a new state, change their career...all in one day. That's when they say Rome was built too, in one day, right? Got to focus on one thing at a time. The divorce you can't do anything about that immediately, so focusing on the one thing that could've contributed to it might help. Let's just call it "not drinking". I was told you're not supposed to make any life changes at least one year after you decide to quit drinking. I think you should even wait longer. I needed and still need time to work on myself. My life didn't end up in shambles in one day. It took me at least 15 years to make it this way. I can promise you one thing...it won't take me 15 years to put it back together because I am a bright, talented, full of life, younger lady! However it is utterly ridiculous for me to think that I can put all this mess back together in 6 months. Hell, it's been over a year and I still struggle to find joy, happiness, feeling comfortable, dealing with life in general...and emotions...God how I hate dealing with those dang things.
AND you're dealing with divorce. Well, divorce, in my opinion from my own experience, is worse than death. It's like a death, but worse because you know they're not dead. You still have to see them (esp if kids are involved), you still have to deal with them from time to time.
That uncomfortable feeling you talk about...I still experience even after a year. I just know it's where I am supposed to be and it usually signifies, personal growth. That alcoholic voice of yours is seeing a way back into your life and taking full advantage of it. It's practically begging you to come on back. It's what makes you comfortable, its' what is normal feeling to you...no doubt about it that you have some tough situations going on right now. I hope you will give yourself a chance, fog free. Joy, happiness, serenity...really come from within. It's not a person, place, or thing. Keep working to find it. It will return, when you least expect it. Pay attention to the little things. I bet you've come so far. I hope you don't throw it all away..it'll make you feel even worse and that alcoholic voice will say "see I told you that you were worthless". You're not. I believe that you're not worthless.

GratefulJunkie

"Even in the present century, American newspapers were afraid to print an account of the Wright Brothers first successful flight at Kitty Hawk. Had not all efforts at flight failed before? Did not professor Langleys flying machine go to the bottom of the Potomac River? Was it not true that the best mathematical minds had proved man could never fly? Had not people said God had reserved this privilege to the birds? Only 30 years later the conquest of the air was almost an old story and airplane travel was in full swing."

Big Book p.51 ( We Agnostics )

That paragraph in the book is referencing agnostic thinking towards spiritual programs...however, I think it applies to what you're feeling? 'Contempt Prior To Investigation' or just believing this program can't help, without ever really trying. Nobody thought man could fly, and now that way of thinking seems silly! So MAYBE, just MAYBE, if you give it an honest go, break free from your comfort zone, try something new, ask another man for help, share your struggles in person with other alcoholics, MAYBE this thing really CAN work. And if it doesn't, then have another drink. But if it DOES, hold on for the greatest ride of your life! There are so many people - just like you - sitting in a clubhouse, or church basement, or other room of Alcoholics Anonymous, just WAITING for YOU! And others just like us! The TRUE PURPOSE of the AA meetings, is so the still struggling alcoholic can find his people! And even 6 months sober - even 10 years sober - we alcoholics can still be struggling/suffering! It's not a thing to be embarrassed about, it's a thing to rejoice in and motivate ourselves to get where we need to be! Good luck!

Loekken

This AA thing perhaps just comes across a bit too religious for my taste. Even cult like. I have tried different types of treatment btw, 'group therapy' I guess you could call it, but it never appealed to me and I basically gave up on it early on. Felt it pathetic. I have always felt that drinking is ultimately my own choice only and that treatment makes no difference at the end of the day.

I remember at least one doctor telling me the same along the way - drinking is eventually your own choice you make, when sober too. And one of the psychologists we spoke to during this time told me wife she had to leave me, so that my actions after this would show whether or not we would get back together. That time only would show if we belong together or not. And so here I am going 7 months sober soon to try and win her back. Maybe it will not happen. Maybe it will, one day.

One of the most hardcore alcoholics I spoke to, when asked how to avoid drinking, said: Don't drink. Which is not an easy thing to do, but that's what it comes down to, whether you're 'spiritual' or not. It comes down to your own will, determination, if you have a strong character.

Maybe this doesn't sound well measured or carefully thought out, just wrote it out off the top of my head.

Berrybean

Well, if you don't like the AA plan, devise your own and stick to it.

Maybe just stopping drinking worked for that one person (of maybe he was doing other stuff that he didn't mention to fill the void). Who knows. Hardcore or not, what was doing worked for HIM. What I'm doing is working for me. All yiu need to ask yourself is, is what you've been doing working for you? If not, you can stay in the vortex or try something different to get out. Pathetic or not in your eyes, I'm sober and happier than I've ever been in my adult life. If people think working a program is weak, or pathetic, then I can live with that. I know I'm a stronger person now than when I was a slave to the booze and behaving in ways that made me hate myself. I don't need to do all that James Dean, misunderstood stuff, alone, and aloof and 'haha hardcore'.

Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You have the choice of looking to find a diffrent way of dealing with this, or expecting the same old **** to keep happening. Plenty of folk on here didn't do group recovery. Dee for a start off. But he did make a plan and he did stick at it. He made changes that would make sobriety sustainable in the long term. I'm posting a link to his thread again, because it really IS a good place to start in making your own plan... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-2.html

Are you posting a problem (that you want to respolve) or just a complaint?

Ain't no elephants in these rooms.

KeyofC

Exactly...there's not one form of recovery. There are many forms. I have used them all. I don't attend AA but grew up in Alanon and attended AA with my step dads. So I do read it and I practice and work some of the steps because they are great tools at making yourself look at what you've contributed to the problem and a guideline of tools on how to look inward. I point blame a lot without realizing. "If they had been nice to me I wouldn't be so grouchy" type of thing. I control me and all aspects there in. I control my action and reaction to everything. But you can google "AVRT" which I was practicing without knowing, SMART, you can just google "alcohol" or "alcoholic". Just get a plan in place. Have an exit plan if you get in social situations. Evening this site there is helpful information that helped me. The people here at SR have experienced they can share too. Hang in there. Sometimes life just sucks. You will make it through. Take each day and try your best to be positive. Even in the worst days you ca find it if you look hard enough. All the little triumphs add to the big picture and that you feeling better and making better decisions. Someone told me "you're not a bad person trying to get good, you're a dick person trying to get well".

KeyofC

Also I am not preaching what worked for me. BUT what did work for me was people reaching out, not judging me, not creating drama toward me, letting me know I mattered. I'm a "she". Just offering words of encouragement like some kind people on here have done for me many times in the last year. Get involved here. Post your problems and hash them out with folks on here. God knows I have and it's helped me more than anything! Keep pushing, don't give up!
And I said let's call it not drinking because some people can't wrap their heads around alcoholic right away. Some people need smaller steps. Always gotta explain myself. Got grant me the serenity to accept the things (and people) I can't change....