Centered3

I've noticed in my sobriety, I've turned into a real hermit. It's strange. Back in the days when I was living in my alcoholism facade-filled life, I was a social butterfly. I craved attention and fed off of it.

I don't react and think like I did during my days before sobriety, but I just don't want to be around people anymore. I think I'm sensitive to everyone else's behavior, I'm not sure. Does it remind me of my old ways? I was hoping you all could shed some light on this.

This past weekend, I actually went out and went to see a comedian. At the venue, there was a bar in the lobby. There were about four different bartenders with four different extremely long lines. I just wanted a bottle of water, because I was really hot and uncomfortable.

As I stood in line, I was feeling claustrophobic with all the loud people around me. Everyone was all dressed up, and I thought it was so strange (I used focus a lot on what I wore to socialize). If people weren't already drinking, they were online to get drinks. I saw the red eyes of those people drinking a lot already.

There were two people ahead of me. But then to the side of them, two more people in their group of friends approached and shouted excitedly about what they wanted to drink. Then two more. And two more. The girls were ordering fun drinks. You know, the fruity ones. The guys were ordering beer. Everyone looked happy and excited.

I wasn't thinking about drinking. There was no urge, temptation, or white knuckling in the least. All I wanted was a cold bottle of water. All I wanted was to quietly go to my seat. I wondered why there can't be lines at bars for people who just want water. Why are all these people getting drinks? (What a strange thing for me to think.)

This wasn't a typical alcoholic-thinking of "boy I'm irritated because things aren't going my way". This was deeper.

I said to the person in front of me, "there were only 2 of you in front of me, and now there's 6 additional people you're buying drinks for. I just want a bottle of water." I normally don't speak that way.

He just smiled and didn't say anything. I repeated it two times. Finally his girlfriend said, with a smile, "Oh that's okay, go ahead in front and get your water." The bartender was all excited while she was making all their drinks. And my going up there asking for water was in the middle of their order. She got tense, handed me a bottle of water, and said, "here, just take it." I don't know if she realized I was sober and/or if she just wanted me to go away. I left her cash for the water on the wet counter and left.

What insight am I missing here?

I didn't want to drink. At least I don't think I did. True, some of my best times were drinking those strong drinks that comedy clubs always tended to make, which only made me laugh even more during comedy shows, but I don't feel like I miss that. I enjoyed this comedian a lot, sober. But the people who were loud and drinking annoyed me.

It all just got under my skin.

It was as if I knew the memories I had that I thought were fun, exciting, and happy, were fake and I was ashamed and embarrassed of myself and my past?

I wasn't judging. There was something else going on.

Edit: I forgot to add that my sponsor was recently at a wedding and when I asked her how it was, she said she danced so much her toes went numb and had a fantastic time. My first thought was, "how did she dance without drinking?" What is wrong with my thinking? :-(

ScottFromWI

I don't think you're missing anything - we tend to WAY overthink things, especially in early sobriety. It can be very overwhelming to be in a situations like that, and that's why it's recommended to avoid them early on. Glad you persevered and enjoyed the show.

Part of the problem I think is that our addiction tries to tell us that the ONLY way to have fun is to try and do all the same things we used to do. Sobriety is about a whole new life - not just removing alcohol. It takes time to find new activities, which is just the opposite of the "I want it now!" nature of our addiction.

biminiblue

Welllllllll.

It's not all about you.

That feeling of entitlement will (hopefully) go away. I don't think your bottle of water was any more important than those six peoples' cocktails. Why did you feel slighted in some way by complete strangers? I mean, this type of thing happens all the time - I think you may be a little sensitive - which God knows I was in early days.

Live and let live. These feelings of resentment are part of why I drank in the first place. I have to guard my serenity very carefully. Anger and self-pity are pretty powerful emotional states that I used to drink over.

fini

Why are all these people getting drinks? (What a strange thing for me to think.)

oh C3, it's a wonderful thing to think!
it speaks to a turn-around.

stevieg46

Hi C 3, I identify so much with what you are talking about , biggest part of my ''new way of thinking living and feeling ''are the exact opposite of what they once were . I am a happy person , unhappy people ? I have nothing in common with them really , I am quite laid back and relaxed , those that are always uptight and tense ? nothing in common either , loud and boisterous the same , also aggressive types , habitual moaners , same again . Awareness seems to intensify and at times I do not have a lot of time or tolerance with people with ''glaring self inflicted '' character defects , I am not judging them in anyway , things they ''could be changing people also maybe unteachable '' ? don't know . What I am now very '' aware '' of today is that others ways of behaving and doing and acting, which somehow make me feel uncomfortable , is cos I am allowing it to happen , the point is I have put up with their behavior for a long time , I made excuses , bit my tongue , felt impatient and tense inside, all against my grain why ? old way of thinking as it seemed the best thing to do(for them ) not ''for me '' wisdom to know the difference .

I definitely recognize today that I prefer being with like minded people ''at all times '' inside and outside AA in life in all circumstances . My preference ! cant have everything to suit , but there are times I can adapt my thinking and make it suit ( examples switching off , detach , rise above , or say something ) I now know that I do not have much time or tolerance for really negative people , people that I smiled quite'tly at, at one time and put up with (against my grain ) today I may say something like '' what a silly /stupid way to think or behave do you not realize that you make your situation worse by how you act '' ? I get looks from them , but they think twice about their behavior the next time they see me , these really are people who continually ''dump their sh1t '' and they ''do not care '' because they have been getting away with it cos it make ''them '' feel better . Well with me that stops , I have nothing in common with them or loud or aggressive types .

Want to know the reason why I can be a bit sharp or intolerant at times ? they are ''nowhere near spiritual '' full of self and selfishness . Now, I am not saying, I am the great I am, or that I am better or superior to them , or I look down on them NO . I have looked into the after effects of an awakening , and being a bit intolerant of certain types is normal , as is lots of things I used to be involved in , I for instance do not watch lots of TV programs, ones I would never miss at one time , we change ''for the better '' if we really work the Steps or values and outlooks and at times unfortunately, relationships '' take on a new meaning . I now can say to myself at times '' why are you putting up with this /that /them ? '' and I say to myself ''enough's enough '' and change things to suit . It is ''not my will , my way '' I want to be with like minded people , people with spiritual values , people that are kind and patient and seem to be content with life . Its a big enough job trying to change me without trying to change others just to suit me . I had to put in a lot of bloody effort to reach where I am today as in peace of mind and contentment , serenity patience , tolerance and compassion . Hardest word in this world to say is NO ,but it gets easier , no more , no way ( little secret that is, in my opinion what it means when its said ''its a selfish program '') Detachment covers a lot of ground , it does not mean unkind , uncaring its letting go of others responses , reactions and behavior , which we have no control over .

Cant have a life beyond our wildest dreams if we allow others to spoil it, if its or ''unnecessary'' First things first came from the Oxford group and AA adopted it , it is Biblical it came I think from James '' Seek you first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all good things will be given unto you . Kingdom of God is within , take care .


NB
Bottle of water ? they were queue jumping ordering drinks for others , they were taking advantage or ''trying to '' next time take a cool bag grin . and sometimes we need to bite or tongue with strangers as we do not know what could happen either ,

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

Anna

This is the key to recovery.

Centered3

I guess I didn't do a good enough job in explaining that this wasn't an entitlement, selfish "I want what I want when I want it" kind of experience. There was something else underlying it and it was about the alcohol. I wasn't resentful, angry, or in self-pity. It was deeper.

entropy1964

Hmmm. I don't know what the deeper meaning of this experience is. On the outside it just appears you're not ready for these situations (like put a bottle of water in your purse or something...wait, I hope you're a lady..maybe you're not, sorry) and simply got irritated. It doesn't appear that there is a deeper meaning than that.

Maybe you're mourning. The days of comedy shows and strong drinks are over? I dunno.

Give yourself time. Usually more is revealed the longer you're abstinent. Hang in there.

SoberCAH

I sit at bars instead of at a table at some restaurants my wife and I go to.

Sometimes on Friday or Saturday night, they get kind of crowded.

I go there to eat, though, and spend time with my wife or with a friend whom I frequently meet for dinner.

When I am in a bar/restaurant, my expectations of people's behavior is pretty low.

Except for grabbing a meal sitting at the bar of a restaurant or going to hear a band, I don't patronize bars.

That's what I used to do every night for many years.

It's not what I do today.

Many, or perhaps most, of my friends are people I know through AA or professionally from my line of work.

I don't got to bars to play pinball, bumper pool, horseshoes, etc., even though I was an outstanding bar room athlete as a young man.

Bars just don't represent healthy environments for people like me.

I can go to them if I have a good reason to do so, like having dinner with my wife or a friend or hearing a band, but I just don't go to them to hang out, like I used to do.

I particularly don't like the silly, shallow conversation that I usually hear in bars.

We communicate at a different level in recovery.

Thanks for sharing your experience - it's a good topic.

Soberwolf

Not sure if you know but comedy clubs are notorious for drinking perhaps a change of scenery will help

Centered3

Thanks, Scott. I'm not early in my sobriety but then again I haven't been around alcohol much during my sobriety either.

Yes, that makes so much sense. I think being around the alcohol was just a reminder of that. And sobriety still scares me sometimes regarding finding new activities.

Centered3

Thanks, Stevie. This was really helpful. Maybe it is my discomfort in the realization of "I used to be like that" and that now I have nothing in common with these types and I don't want to be around them.
Exactly. It seems to be my awareness intensifying. I was always so focused on me, me, me and how I was acting, and what responses I was getting. It is a weird feeling to be quiet and still and observe others. That's what the claustrophobic feeling is sort of about, I think, now that I've read your post and you spelled out what I was trying to communicate.

And yes exactly I'm not judging or being judgemental. It's just uncomfortable watching how others are acting and what they're doing. I've never been in the "observer" role before. It's a lot to take in.

Yes that's it, too. I never liked being around people who were like that, but now even moreso. True, the serenity prayer--I can't change them--but it's still uncomfortable and that's what I was expressing. I'm not sure why it's uncomfortable. I am usually live-and-let-live.

Yes, that's definitely it, too. Something I hadn't even realized. I used to people-please like crazy being around those loud, negative, "dump their ****" type people and it made me sick. One of my recent amends I had to be around these types and just smile peacefully and let them rant and not react. But I don't want to be around these types of people anymore because I am more sensitive to people's energies around me, the healthier I get. It's hard to explain. I pick up on people's energies more. And I just don't want to be around it, if I don't have to be.

Yes I think we're on the same page. Thanks for writing what I was struggling to figure out. This is IT. I want to be around spiritually healthy people. I know everyone else has a right to be who they are, but it just makes me uncomfortable being around other people's selfish, self-centerdness ways. Now that I have the self-awareness, I have other-people awareness, too. I don't mean to be intolerant, but it's just not the type of energy I care to be around in my sobriety.

Yes I absolutely agree!! Sometimes if I'm stuck watching a ridiculous TV program, I'll laugh at the insanity of it. Other times I find it truly irritating, like if I'm in a waiting room and one of these kinds of tv shows comes on.

Yes, exactly! It's not about wanting things to be my way or people to act the way I want. It's about that claustrophobic feeling of being around people who are spiritually sick. I know I must go in to these situations with kindness, love, tolerance, acceptance, etc but some days it's just hard to do.

Agreed. No more people-pleasing in sobriety. That was self-seeking behavior. I set limits, boundaries, and say no. Hmm interesting I hadn't made the connection there with "its a selfish program". So much of recovery stresses what we can do for others.

Work in progress here..... ;-)

You're right. I wasn't in a good mindset I guess.

And I'm glad to see someone mentioning the Oxford group and the Book of James. And its always good to see the reminder that the Kingdom of God is WITHIN!

What does NB mean? Yes they were queue jumping, weren't they? And when I mentioned it, the guy said nothing. Like he didn't care. I wasn't resentful or angry, and usually I can let that kind of thing go as I can't change other people, but I was just stating the fact to him. I think I was just uncomfortable being around this huge crowd of people drinking and the long lines at the bar, when all I wanted was a bottle of water and to be away from the alcohol.

You're right, next time I will have a bottle of water with me.

Thanks Stevie!

Centered3

I've been around alcohol before but I guess it ebbs and flows or something with my readiness. I could've brought a cold bottle of water in my purse. The one I had I drank in my car. That's on me, I know. It was more than just "irritated" because of the alcohol and the people drinking it. I was no longer one of them.

Yes I think that's partially it. I am grateful in my sobriety but it feels weird not doing old behavior sometimes.

Thank you. Been sober 4 years but maybe just not out and about that much during my sobriety to have these experiences.

Dharma33

Centered, I completely get the claustrophobic feeling in this situation. I experienced something similar a couple of months ago. I felt like everyone's (drinking) behavior in a hotel lobby was amplified and echoing around me. I hated it and couldn't wait to remove myself. My reaction to that evening was one of the catalysts to me seeking out AA after a year of sobriety. So, I just wanted to say I get where you are coming from.

Anyway, I like what Scott says here a lot : "Part of the problem I think is that our addiction tries to tell us that the ONLY way to have fun is to try and do all the same things we used to do. Sobriety is about a whole new life - not just removing alcohol. It takes time to find new activities, which is just the opposite of the "I want it now!" nature of our addiction."

Pipefish

Would echo other posters here centred - it's an extremely good topic, thanks so much for sharing with us, you've sparked some really good responses.

I know where you are coming from, and sometimes even in crowded train stations, or London street, when I stop to take a pause, the whole thing looks mad to me. The driven-ness, the insularity, the unnatural speed at which we live. Like Stevie posted, I don't watch much TV, and am so, so aware of when I am experiencing a 'media-hangover' - I'm in the UK, and Brexit has certainly had me hanging out more by the radio & TV than I have in a long time.

Now the shift is, it's not identifying what's wrong with me nor what is wrong with them, there is nothing wrong, it's only that how I experience the world has changed....the recognition goes deeper in that it is a shift in perception, we become more sensitive, which is both a gift and a burden, and have less tolerance (and that is not intolerance,but a recognition of what my limits are in particular situations, and when I need to simply take my leave, or take a pause.

The other thing that has happened, is that less is more; I can spend a whole day in a photography exhibition looking at one or two pieces I'm drawn to, and would still back for more. I have experienced it as while the wider world needs and thrives on that over-stimulation, as I once did, now, that is an experience of being over-whelmed; it feels unnatural, because it is unnatural. Alcohol so dulls experiences, shuts down feelings, it has been a real gift in recovery for these experiences to emerge over time. And once that happens, who needs alcohol?!

A very dear friend of mine often refers to being in good company - and as Sobercah above posted - 'We communicate at a different level in recovery', This for me means that when I seek company we need something that responds to, and nurtures, that new reality, the spiritual one.

I'm glad you enjoyed the comedy gig, and am sure, as your sponsor, and lots of others have, you will have your sober dancing occasions - and it is good to dance sober :-) but most of all, I'm really excited for you about what you shared.

Wish you well

entropy1964

Hey centered
Didn't realize you'd been sober that long. Don't really know what to say. Let me know if you figure it out

Centered3

Well it's kinda confusing. My original sobriety date is not for alcohol--it's for something else and is my spiritual bottom for when I returned to the rooms ready to do the work. However, I stopped drinking later on because I wasn't admitting to myself that I was an alcoholic. I had only had so much truth at that point. Maybe that has something to do with it? I definitely did thorough step work and I didn't miss anything. I think maybe that's it. Where alcohol is concerned, my actual sobriety is still fairly recent.

Maybe I should use a different date regarding alcohol? Would that be better? The date that I knew I could under no uncertain terms ever drink again? I know that date. I'll never forget it.

Centered3

Yes! That's exactly what I was trying to communicate. Usually, I'm that one drinking and behaving loudly, or if I see that behavior, I think "oh they look like they're having fun". But now it makes me so uncomfortable. I'm glad someone else gets it too. It's like, "Wow, was that I behaved and acted?" I think that's what's bugging me. The oh-there's-a-bar-here,-I-gotta-get-a-drink(or two....)-in-me-to-make-this-fun sorta way of thinking......

I liked what Scott said there, too, and I do think that's a major part of it.

August252015

D-
My pool story I shared with you is a lot like this- it just hit me after reading this story! I didn't think of the drinking part of it til I read your story.

I sat at this gorgeous pool, at the country club, where it was packed with "the beautiful people"- well, in the WASPy Atlanta world- and their precious babies and amazing yes-I'm-a-mommy figures and cute hubbies and designer bags and all that crap. The drinking part- it's kinda like a spread out cocktail party for probably 80% of the crowd (that would include many alcoholics who just haven't given up the drink yet, often because money can smooth the ride, the 20% preggers and then a random 10% who don't care about drinking, i guess!, then the 20% kiddos to get to the total 100%) and there are servers who bring you drinks (and to go food - if you want to eat you get to go to one of the tables under the cabanas).

Reading Centered's story- I realized that several times a server skipped over my chair when I actually did want to ask for a diet coke. I think she heard the conversation between a couple of couples about bloodies v GnTs. Whatever. She finally did come around to me and I got my drink - but I went up to the actual bar to get my refill rather than put up with her nonsense.

Not the same situation as yours, but it made me realize that there are a lot of bar/alcohol situations beyond the explicit ones (restaurant/bar) and so many ways this whole getting-our-drink vs them-getting-theirs thing can come up.

I'd have been annoyed too, but also kinda watching as a 3rd party...like a second show besides the comedy one was unfolding all around me.

Bottom line- you talked through all of it here, and based on your notes back to people did a good job thinking this one through.

Hugs!

entropy1964

Oh ok. I thought you had recently quit drinking but there are a lot of stories here so I get confused.

Well, I think if you didn't quit drinking 4 years ago then I would say you haven't been sober for four years. But it's up to you. I would use a different sobriety date for booze....but that's just me.

It may help you too. Might help you realize that you need more time with respect to being around alcohol. What do you think?