Acheleus

I called my father to ask him to help me and he was hungover from Xanax and booze. Yesterday I made an appointment with my psychiatrist but I won't see him until next week.

I'm a year and some days sober but I feel awful. I can't sleep and I can't quit worrying. I ended a relationship with a drunk who cheated on me and ruined my life.

I honestly don't have any reason to do anything. Yesterday I read a little. I met an insane person in aa and stupidly dated them when I first was sober. I hate her.

I just hate my life and I look back on the abuse I suffered from this person.

She insulted me and treated me like garbage. I just hate my life. I hate where I live, I hate everything about my life. I really try to be grateful but I didn't deserve to be destroyed by a sociopath.

I don't want to return to AA because I think it is dangerous.

So I will go to the doctor I guess.

But I just have a drunk father and no other family so I was ripe for the picking for an abuser. I hope I feel better.

Oh yea and I can't make friends at work because they all drink and smoke weed and I can't so they think I'm strange.

I just wish I had died while drunk years ago because I can't live. I don't know how to live.

zjw

sounds familier. I didnt really know how to live at a year sober either. and I worried constantly still. I could never stop worrying. I didnt hate my life so much tho by a year but i was kinda just dazed and confused still. I didnt know how to intereact with others well and spend a lot of time worried about this and that.

What helped me was reading books like the power of now and so on. I had to read a few diff books like that to really drive the point accross that this present moment is all we really have and to not dwell in the past or worry about an unwritten future insesently.

So you could read some books like that if you want but also try and stay present. the past is done and over with the future hasnt happened yet so dont worry about neither. All you got is htis present moment so make the most of it etc.. Try to not allow your mind to wonder and zone out on to thoughts about whatever but rather stay focused on the present moment. I know if i'm not careful my mind will take me on a detour of worry and such. Gotta try and stop that before it happens.

graced333

I so understand. At a little over five years during one of my times of attempting sobriety, I was feeling very much like you and decided S... why not drink. Well after seven more years of drinking myself into a stupor every day, I lost my job, my license, made a public fool of myself and endangered others by driving blind drunk. Stay the course, you are going to be ok. Blessings.

zjw

to graced333 point as crap as it can be charging forward is better then drinking.

i heard one person say to look out the windshield adn that the rear view mirror is small for a reason we are suppose to just keep our eyes right out ahead at whats immediatly in front of us.

teatreeoil007

Ach: Sorry you are feeling so crummy. That sucks and I know how it feels too...the put downs; people who try to put you down for whatever reason. I had to deal with a co-worker the other day who said something to put me down....and I just thought to myself: "I don't know what her excuse is for talking to me like that, but there is no good excuse for it." I sure didn't feel like turning the other cheek, although that is what some people say you should do."..So, I just told her flat out I didn't like the way she was talking to me and she immediately apologized. I know the reason she talked to me that way, and it's because she is an unhappy, insecure person who was feeling pressured at the time

I try to tell myself that it wasn't about me; it was about her.

And, I have the POWER to overcome it!

Ach: You have the POWER to overcome how you are feeling; to heal from that bad relationship and live a wonderful life. What I am 'hearing' from you is that you feel "powerless" over your CIRCUMSTANCES and I think perhaps the enemy of your soul wants you to buy into that all the way;["all in"] and convince you you have no OPTIONS to make your life better.

You DO have options. You've got to somehow erase that person from your life as she is still bogging you down even though the relationship is over. She still haunts you...

Don't let a past bad relationship RUIN your whole life. You are NOT ruined, so get that notion out of your head. I am glad you will be seeing a Dr....Just know you have lots of support here and there CAN BE healing. Look ahead, not back. Most of us struggle with regret. That's a tough one, but it can be dealt with and we can overcome it. You've been making good progress overall, but bound to have icky days. You don't have to be stuck in "icky mode". Hang in there.

ardy

hand waving Ach wow we have all been in that boat having to row like we are the only ones there.. love Pet you can do this.. volunteer get out the computer and do volunteer in my city.. and see what pops up.. we have 4 parts of the year that we volunteer at stuff for. and it helps so much. Why cause Dear Heart no man is an island.. yep.. hugs and prayers for a brighter tomorrow.. take a nap.. watch a silly movie.. make a great meal for you and put on your best dancing music and dance around the house.. it helps a bit.. some times I look in the mirror and tell myself off big time.. yep it helps..

Soberwolf

Stick with us Acheleus

doggonecarl

Could your perceptions of the lasting harm be a little exaggerated?

You life isn't ruined. You had a few months ruined, but that doesn't equate to your whole life being ruined. Plus, it's over, so your life moving forward doesn't have to be affected by this relationship.

Maybe I missed the details of what happened, but "abuse" is a usually reserved for truly horrific treatment. I'll agree you were mistreated, but abused?

And to say you've been destroyed, like saying your life was ruined, is a term that should be reserved for events that really do impact your life immensely.

I pose this because I think the words we chose to describe our situation reflect our perceptions. If you took a less drastic view of what happened and what is happening in your life, perhaps your outlook wouldn't be so dour.

Acheleus

I am sorry I just have tried to do too much in recovery. Relationship, school, I just think the job stress is mounting. I want to move forward but I feel stuck.

Stuck how? Well for example my ex gave me an std(it went away. It is not permanent) and I just do not feel connected to women. I feel like I will never be loved or connected again.

Or like if I dated again I would have all this baggage from the crazy relationship. I just don't want to feel polluted and damaged any longer. And my ex always came back and I feel like I am stuck.

So ok I will see my doctor.

I am one year sober. I did that and I do not want to drink. I just want to feel normal again. Sorry for being negative.

Dee74

I'm glad you're going to see your Dr, Ach - keep us updated

D

entropy1964

Hey ach

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I think most of us that have been on the planet for a while can relate to at minimum heart break....so I do understand. It takes time to recover and grieve.

But I see you are really stuck here emotionally. Ok she was a crazy, lying, manipulative, cheating person. A bad person. It's over. She has not broken you, infected you, destroyed you. You are using very catastrophic language, which in turn affects your thinking and the way you perceive yourself.

Putting this relationship in perspective and in the past is important. learn from what happened. Recognize where you could have done things differently. You could have left far before things got so out of hand. The point is to learn so history doesn't repeat itself. I was so broken hearted a year ago after my relationship of two years ended. He was a jerk. But I let sooooo much happen that I could have said 'hell no' to. I've learned, I hope.

Get some counseling to help you with this. Time to let the anger and victim thinking go. Time to learn and move forward. I'm not minimizing your pain. But staying mired in it is accomplishing nothing. Hang in there.

soberclover

I think you rock for reaching out for support Relationships are tricky no matter how much sobriety you have. That is what I found out. I met my now ex-husband in the rooms. We got married and had my son. Then I stopped going to meetings and started believing I was "normal" and I started drinking again. Eight years and a divorce later that happened as he cheated on me and he was evil. I, however, went back to AA. I got clean in NA but started going to AA meetings as I was struggling with alcohol. There are a lot of different AA meetings around me in Vermont; obviously I have to drive a bit to get to some. Don't let anyone EVER drive you away from the support that you need. Find a new meeting, find new people, and stay here on SR.

And I don't think you are being negative....I think you are doing life There are ups and downs as we all have to figure out how to do this sober living "thing".

Anna

I'm glad you've decided to go to your dr.

Kaneda8888

Hey Ach

I dont post often on your threads but have followed your recovery for a few years. It seems like you have done brilliantly since the early days when you couldnt stay stopped. I just wanted to know if you are on meds still and are they working for you ? Maybe a need to revisit that ? Sorry if you are not on meds anymore but my impression was that the psych had prescribed something for you in the past.

Gottalife

That is a grim post Acheleus. Things sound really miserable for you, yet you seem determined to stay in that spot.

I had exactly the same thing happen to me in my first few weeks of sobriety, and it could have left me in the same spot you are in. I had a burning resenment and could not stand to be in the same room with her.

I realised that if this situation continued, she would get between me and AA, and that would be a death sentence for me, much like you are describing. The "pray for the person you resent" did not seem to work.

However I was very serious about my recovery. I knew AA was the only solution that would work for me, and I was working through the program right through all this. I had learned by this time that nothing anybody says or does has anything to do with my ability to recover.

The answer came to me after about month. I had a part in this. At a few weeks sober I was hardly capable of a relationship. I wouldn't have known a true emotion if I fell over it. Of love I knew nothing.

I was in there for all the wrong reasons. Using her just as she was using me, to satisfy instinctual drives for sex, security, prestige, and as a screwed up attempt to address what I thought was a character defect of mine.

When I realised that I was in the wrong too, I had to make amends. So I went to her, explained the above, and asked her forgiveness. I think it went right over her head, but I was immediately set free, and that dangerous barrier to my sobriety was removed.

The whole thing turned out to be a wonderful learning experience, and I wouldn't change any of it. It turned out that way because I was willing to do whatever was necessary to stay sober, even if I had to make amends to someone I thought had wronged me so badly.

So how important is your sobriety? Are you willing to let one person out of thousands block you from your recovery, or are you willing to do anything to get the kind of sobriety on offer in AA, even if it means eating a little humble pie?

Ken33xx

I think making an appointment to see your doctor might be best. However, you`re sober and that`s a lot to be proud of.

As far as being in a room with AA members you dislike or don`t feel comfortable around I personally I treat it as practice for the "real world."

Acheleus

Exercising and sweating!!! I have to make myself better. Thank you for the advice. Going to exercise more and just drink water. Baby steps.

Delizadee

Acheleus, :hugs:
So many I can'ts! I have many bad moments where I feel the same as you. Maybe for different reasons but the anger and frustration comes out the same way. I end up feeling victimized even when I know at the time I'm allowing these things to happen. (No is not naturally in my vocabulary)

Here are some things I try to do because I have a very bad runaway mind and I hit crisis mode and hit it fast and hard. So I try to be proactive when I can...

Posting here is great, but I think there is huge value in talking to someone relatable or experienced or in a professional capacity either face to face or over phone (I do phone therapy due to work schedule) having someone hear, understand and validate your feelings and especially offer support and advice in real time is a huge thing for people who tend to struggle with feeling isolated or abused. Even aa and sponsorship was great for me for that.

When I railroad myself with negative thinking I try really hard to redirect. I focus on the good things. The soft spots. I think of big and smalls things I have gratitude for. When I can't overcome my anger I pray for those who are troubling me. I try to find all the reasons I am thankful to have had them in my life. Because even the worst experience gives us some good insight and knowledge. It's hard, and when you feel pretty awful and alone it's hard to feel thankful for someone you begrudge. But I think that is part of the letting go of resentments and working towards forgiveness.

And be kind to yourself... reach out often. Because really, you can do anything. You got sober. You are a friggen rock star hero in my books. I hope you find some peace my friend.

Hawkeye13

This really really helps me Ach--have you tried yoga,
especially hot yoga?

Amazingly helpful but quite difficult at first as we are "frozen"
in our bodies through lack of movement, stretching, and needing to develop mindfulness.

Try it for a month or two and see

Centered3

I'm glad you're with us and that you reached out. You're not alone.

I often would say to my therapist that I didn't know how to live. I think all of us in recovery have that fear, it's the "hole-in-the-donut" fear. I'm happy to report it does not happen, and that is just another fear that isn't real (False Evidence Appearing Real). I have finally learned how to take it minute by minute, day by day, with the help of a sane AA big book sponsor.

I'm sorry you dated someone sick in AA and that no one suggested to you not to date until you're well. I hope you won't stop going to AA because of your experience. I was told early on to stick to the people who are recovered and well. And if I'm in a sick meeting, I find another. And if there's a sick person in a meeting that I like, just to stay away from them (I had a bad experience with someone while I was going through my step work. I learned my lesson and now I just avoid her.)

Hang in there. This is where the growth starts and you get to experience what life is all about. Just take it moment by moment and keep things simple. Three meals a day. A walk in the park. Some uplifting music. A light novel. Bird watching. Volunteering. Or a few minutes of doing nothing else but taking deep breaths and trying to connect to that healthy place within you.

Like someone else posted here, the windshield on a car is much bigger than the rear view mirror for a reason. Joel Osteen had a sermon about that once and it's a great visual reminder for me when my mind gets stuck in the past.