Should I be worried?
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Should I be worried?
Hi all. Ramble alert!
I'm not even sure what I am trying to say here. I just feel like I might be headed for some trouble. This has been going on off and on since the three year mark. I get in these periods were I think drinking is "no big deal". The first year was pretty rough on me emotionally and physically and the second year was all about reevaluating myself which sucks. That bleed over into year 3 as well but it slowed down. Back then there was no doubt in my mind I was shaking off something really bad. Now I feel good, I feel healed.
I was one of those workaholic secret drinkers. It has been hard for my friends and family to wrap their heads around the fact that I am one of those people that simply cannot control their intake of alcohol and has to completely abstain. The only one that called me out was my daughter (16 when I tapped out of drinking).
So lately I have been having these dreams that I am drinking again and it's fine. Against that backdrop my daughter (now 19) wants me to split a bottle of wine with her and watch Orange is the New Black. Now I know this is a ploy to get me to buy her wine (not going to happen) but it it did something to my mind and last night I had a dream we where drinking wine and having a good time. I know what I know about the dangers of me drinking so somebody saying I am not a real alcoholic has never phased me.
I need tips to combat this. Someone a few years back suggested reminding yourself every day that you escaped something terrible and to be thankful for that. I plan to make sure I add that to my morning routine. I am pretty sure if I hadn't quit when I did I would be dead right now as I was at the end of my rope mentally. What else can I do?
I'm not even sure what I am trying to say here. I just feel like I might be headed for some trouble. This has been going on off and on since the three year mark. I get in these periods were I think drinking is "no big deal". The first year was pretty rough on me emotionally and physically and the second year was all about reevaluating myself which sucks. That bleed over into year 3 as well but it slowed down. Back then there was no doubt in my mind I was shaking off something really bad. Now I feel good, I feel healed.
I was one of those workaholic secret drinkers. It has been hard for my friends and family to wrap their heads around the fact that I am one of those people that simply cannot control their intake of alcohol and has to completely abstain. The only one that called me out was my daughter (16 when I tapped out of drinking).
So lately I have been having these dreams that I am drinking again and it's fine. Against that backdrop my daughter (now 19) wants me to split a bottle of wine with her and watch Orange is the New Black. Now I know this is a ploy to get me to buy her wine (not going to happen) but it it did something to my mind and last night I had a dream we where drinking wine and having a good time. I know what I know about the dangers of me drinking so somebody saying I am not a real alcoholic has never phased me.
I need tips to combat this. Someone a few years back suggested reminding yourself every day that you escaped something terrible and to be thankful for that. I plan to make sure I add that to my morning routine. I am pretty sure if I hadn't quit when I did I would be dead right now as I was at the end of my rope mentally. What else can I do?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Re-reading old posts is a great eye opener for me, silentrun.
D
Searching all your posts
A normal search will only give you your last 500 posts....if you have over that to go back to your first post...try this (thanks to Cynical One)
Quote:
Do an advanced search.
On the RIGHT side
Put in your user name.
Choose the forum you first posted in.
On the LEFT side
Where it says Sort Results By
Choose Thread Start Date In Ascending Order
And, then tick the Posts box
A normal search will only give you your last 500 posts....if you have over that to go back to your first post...try this (thanks to Cynical One)
Quote:
Do an advanced search.
On the RIGHT side
Put in your user name.
Choose the forum you first posted in.
On the LEFT side
Where it says Sort Results By
Choose Thread Start Date In Ascending Order
And, then tick the Posts box
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Probably means your AV is pushing back?
I can guarantee you'll think differently if you go back and read some of the things that bought here.
D
I can guarantee you'll think differently if you go back and read some of the things that bought here.
D
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi SR, you know I adores you, so is with love that I say ...YOU CRAZY RIGHT NOW, BITCH!!
If you not want to go back to read all you previous post, go back and read 19 Chapter of Cow to remind you self of pain of hamster wheel that is addiction.
Let put it this way. If you deadly allergic to strawberry, and strawberry almost kill you and cost you all that dear and valuable in life, would you EVER be like, yeah, but you know, strawberry so ruby red and sweet and harmless, look at it, it so cute? I think I should risk it all and has one.
I THINK NOT!
If you not want to go back to read all you previous post, go back and read 19 Chapter of Cow to remind you self of pain of hamster wheel that is addiction.
Let put it this way. If you deadly allergic to strawberry, and strawberry almost kill you and cost you all that dear and valuable in life, would you EVER be like, yeah, but you know, strawberry so ruby red and sweet and harmless, look at it, it so cute? I think I should risk it all and has one.
I THINK NOT!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Hi silentrun.
I still think most of my family (excluding my mother) don't see me as alcoholic. It's hard for people to know exactly that don't have the problem. I confided in my mother big time back in September and it turned out to be one of the best things for me. Can you do this with anyone close? Maybe again if you already have?
My kids are very little still and I sometimes think about the future too much. Having a beer with my boys...that is a tough road I'm sure, but maybe, just maybe you could confide in your daughter.
I know for me there's so much drunken baggage in my past. All it takes sometimes is a quick stroll down memory lane and things are reaffirmed.
I still think most of my family (excluding my mother) don't see me as alcoholic. It's hard for people to know exactly that don't have the problem. I confided in my mother big time back in September and it turned out to be one of the best things for me. Can you do this with anyone close? Maybe again if you already have?
My kids are very little still and I sometimes think about the future too much. Having a beer with my boys...that is a tough road I'm sure, but maybe, just maybe you could confide in your daughter.
I know for me there's so much drunken baggage in my past. All it takes sometimes is a quick stroll down memory lane and things are reaffirmed.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
not sure that re-reading equals reliving, sr.
being hit afresh by what was immediate in the past doesn't mean you are there now.
more...that you "integrate" the reality of that being you, indeed, who did that stuff, felt that way, lived that.
and my tip would be that in combatting these illusions of having nice normie drinks by sharing a bottle of wine with your daughter, you add to this an honest conversation with your kid about being an alcoholic, a person who can't control their consumption.
she was the one who called you out on the fact that I am one of those people that simply cannot control their intake of alcohol and has to completely abstain.
are you doubting that fact or not caring about it?
being hit afresh by what was immediate in the past doesn't mean you are there now.
more...that you "integrate" the reality of that being you, indeed, who did that stuff, felt that way, lived that.
and my tip would be that in combatting these illusions of having nice normie drinks by sharing a bottle of wine with your daughter, you add to this an honest conversation with your kid about being an alcoholic, a person who can't control their consumption.
she was the one who called you out on the fact that I am one of those people that simply cannot control their intake of alcohol and has to completely abstain.
are you doubting that fact or not caring about it?
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by Arbor
Hi silentrun.
I still think most of my family (excluding my mother) don't see me as alcoholic. It's hard for people to know exactly that don't have the problem. I confided in my mother big time back in September and it turned out to be one of the best things for me. Can you do this with anyone close? Maybe again if you already have?
My kids are very little still and I sometimes think about the future too much. Having a beer with my boys...that is a tough road I'm sure, but maybe, just maybe you could confide in your daughter.
I know for me there's so much drunken baggage in my past. All it takes sometimes is a quick stroll down memory lane and things are reaffirmed.
I still think most of my family (excluding my mother) don't see me as alcoholic. It's hard for people to know exactly that don't have the problem. I confided in my mother big time back in September and it turned out to be one of the best things for me. Can you do this with anyone close? Maybe again if you already have?
My kids are very little still and I sometimes think about the future too much. Having a beer with my boys...that is a tough road I'm sure, but maybe, just maybe you could confide in your daughter.
I know for me there's so much drunken baggage in my past. All it takes sometimes is a quick stroll down memory lane and things are reaffirmed.
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by Cow
Hi SR, you know I adores you, so is with love that I say ...YOU CRAZY RIGHT NOW, BITCH!!
If you not want to go back to read all you previous post, go back and read 19 Chapter of Cow to remind you self of pain of hamster wheel that is addiction.
Let put it this way. If you deadly allergic to strawberry, and strawberry almost kill you and cost you all that dear and valuable in life, would you EVER be like, yeah, but you know, strawberry so ruby red and sweet and harmless, look at it, it so cute? I think I should risk it all and has one.
I THINK NOT!
If you not want to go back to read all you previous post, go back and read 19 Chapter of Cow to remind you self of pain of hamster wheel that is addiction.
Let put it this way. If you deadly allergic to strawberry, and strawberry almost kill you and cost you all that dear and valuable in life, would you EVER be like, yeah, but you know, strawberry so ruby red and sweet and harmless, look at it, it so cute? I think I should risk it all and has one.
I THINK NOT!
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by fini
not sure that re-reading equals reliving, sr.
being hit afresh by what was immediate in the past doesn't mean you are there now.
more...that you "integrate" the reality of that being you, indeed, who did that stuff, felt that way, lived that.
and my tip would be that in combatting these illusions of having nice normie drinks by sharing a bottle of wine with your daughter, you add to this an honest conversation with your kid about being an alcoholic, a person who can't control their consumption.
she was the one who called you out on the fact that I am one of those people that simply cannot control their intake of alcohol and has to completely abstain.
are you doubting that fact or not caring about it?
being hit afresh by what was immediate in the past doesn't mean you are there now.
more...that you "integrate" the reality of that being you, indeed, who did that stuff, felt that way, lived that.
and my tip would be that in combatting these illusions of having nice normie drinks by sharing a bottle of wine with your daughter, you add to this an honest conversation with your kid about being an alcoholic, a person who can't control their consumption.
she was the one who called you out on the fact that I am one of those people that simply cannot control their intake of alcohol and has to completely abstain.
are you doubting that fact or not caring about it?
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by silentrun
The people on SR are the only ones who understand me. Quitting this long only reinforced to the people around me that I don't have a real problem. If I told someone I felt like drinking they would tell me to keep it down to a respectable amount. HA!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
ach, seems such a frequent trap.
i caught myself once, at a few months sober, with the idea that wow, i sure did a number on myself convincing myself that i was really a drunk! how on earth did i ever get such a crazy idea??? and then quit because of it??? clearly, everything pointed in the opposite direction!!
the truth is in your history, sr, not in the story you're telling yourself about it.
and some of your history is in your old posts.
i caught myself once, at a few months sober, with the idea that wow, i sure did a number on myself convincing myself that i was really a drunk! how on earth did i ever get such a crazy idea??? and then quit because of it??? clearly, everything pointed in the opposite direction!!
the truth is in your history, sr, not in the story you're telling yourself about it.
and some of your history is in your old posts.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Ya I'd be a little worried. There is a part of you that wants to drink. It's allowing you to do so in your dreams (while your guard is down). More of a concern is not wanting to look at old posts as Dee suggested. You gotta ask yourself, why not? Are you already planning (perhaps subconsciously) another drink?
I sometimes have to remind myself that there is not a drink or a drug that can make life meaningful. Bottom line, you should ask yourself what you want to do with your life. If you have trouble coming up with an answer, then that's the problem.
I sometimes have to remind myself that there is not a drink or a drug that can make life meaningful. Bottom line, you should ask yourself what you want to do with your life. If you have trouble coming up with an answer, then that's the problem.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by silentrun
I need tips to combat this. Someone a few years back suggested reminding yourself every day that you escaped something terrible and to be thankful for that.
"...fantasizing leads to the decision, so even before you take the first drink you have already slipped."
Pretty smart.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Originally Posted by silentrun
I think part of the problem may be that I keep trying to pretend it never happened. It's too painful to remember the last 2 years of drinking and the first 2 years of recovery so I hide it behind a wall of denial. I guess that's not going to work. I have to find a way of integrating it with my life experience. That sucks as I was hoping not to have to relive any of it.
If you're convinced reading back will be harmful that's fine, but the next time the thoughts about moderation come you can answer
'the last time I try to moderate I ended up here @ SR and I can't even look back at the mess that was ...I do not want to go back to something that was so horrible I can't even think about it now'.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Ultimately only you can decide if you have a drinking problem.
When I quit drinking no one ever questioned my decision and that's because the warning signs were there for years
However if I couldn't see I had a problem and /or thought I could keep it together I never would have quit
It was only after i became sick and tired of being sick and tired that I decided to do something
When I quit drinking no one ever questioned my decision and that's because the warning signs were there for years
However if I couldn't see I had a problem and /or thought I could keep it together I never would have quit
It was only after i became sick and tired of being sick and tired that I decided to do something
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
There seems to be a slew of posts lately about people indicating that those around them don't think they are alcoholics....be it family, work friends, Drs etc. and I have to admit, this baffles me.
There are very few people in my life that know I'm an alcoholic. Most people don't think I drink. I am a yoga instructor and no one has any idea. Of course there aren't may people that I let in so that makes that easier. My family knows because I told them.....
I guess where I'm going with this is, I have never needed anyone to confirm for me that I'm a drunk. I guess I'm that bad so it's pretty undeniable. That doesn't always stop me from drinking, but I know I can never control it. If I were thinking what you have posted I would assume it was ME that was trying to convince myself I'm not an alcoholic. Gotta admit....these posts have me stumped.
It's great that you came here to ask for input. I hope you heed what's being said. Except my post because it makes no sense
There are very few people in my life that know I'm an alcoholic. Most people don't think I drink. I am a yoga instructor and no one has any idea. Of course there aren't may people that I let in so that makes that easier. My family knows because I told them.....
I guess where I'm going with this is, I have never needed anyone to confirm for me that I'm a drunk. I guess I'm that bad so it's pretty undeniable. That doesn't always stop me from drinking, but I know I can never control it. If I were thinking what you have posted I would assume it was ME that was trying to convince myself I'm not an alcoholic. Gotta admit....these posts have me stumped.
It's great that you came here to ask for input. I hope you heed what's being said. Except my post because it makes no sense
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Thanks everyone. I am in a better head space now. I swear I could feel myself slipping somehow. I know that is dangerous thinking for me to think of it as no big deal. A few months before I quit I had a night where I almost decided just to end it all. Sometimes I still can't believe I didn't go through with it. I went back through that night again in my mind. That is why I don't mess with alcohol anymore. It has nothing to do with hangovers and making an ass out of myself. I remember now.
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