Zaec

Berrybean you are my hero right now
Thank you
I poured out the extra alcohol and I'm safe now. Just a bit disappointed

Berrybean

Zaec, that fear is one that is shared by many of us. How about just dealing with one thing at a time. Once we are sober, and have some recovery up under our belts we can figure out how to do a lot of stuff that eludes us when we're active in our alcoholism.

Time for sleep now. Pour away any remaining booze, have a big glass of water and draw a line under today by going to bed. If you find yourself dwelling on what has happened today, please gently push those thoughts from your mind. Guide them onto more positive things. Try to go to sleep envisaging the calm, focussed recovered person you can be. If that's too hard tonight, could you take a detailed mental walk round somewhere you love. This is something I do to get my mind off of nightmarish thoughts when they become overwhelming. I mentally walk slowly through my old back garden, pausing to look at things. If i jump a bit or my mind wanders then I make myself go back to the back door and start over. That usually gets me to sleep before I get to the end of the garden. Not saying quickly, just I'm easily distracted and have to keep going back to the beginning. Still better than torturing myself with the things I can't change though.

Now isn't the time to make decisions or plans. There is nothing that can't wait til the morning apart from stopping drinking any more, and putting your phone somewhere you're not going to text or say things you'll regret.

X

Berrybean

Sorry, cross posted. Well done for tipping away the booze. You are your OWN hero for doing that. X

Hevyn

Very well said, Berrybean. Thank you.

Zaec - I had to blow it a few times before I realized what I was dealing with. There was no longer 'just one' or a few - each time it was in my system it led to danger & despair. Wish I hadn't been such a slow learner. You're here - still trying - that's all we can do. You will get free.

Dee74

so you lost a skirmish, not the war

You will learn to do everything sober - I promise - it takes time.

Our minds and bodies are pretty battered by our years of self abuse. We need to be both kind and patient with ourselves.

Your AV will try and convince you that you need to be perfect in everything right now, or that you owe your partner in some way, and making him wait til you get more comfortable is unfair....

It's just nonsense, preying on your fears.

I'm really glad you came right back

D

fini

glad you're back, Zaec, and posted so you can read in the future.
i felt stupid and dumb every time i went back, too.
now i know that it has nothing to do with being smart or bright or stupid and dumb.
it has lots to do with having a plan, i.e. seeing what routes keep working for others and then following one of those routes.

Zaec

So Day 1.
I am a little embarrassed this morning reading my posts but rather here where it is understood. Why do I think I'm different than everyone else and can moderate??? I've done this before and proven to myself I'm not.

Thank you to everyone who responded with such caring messages. It is beautiful waking up and realising one has family who understands. It's 8h15am and I still feel a bit drunk even though I went to bed farely early last night.

I am very shaky and definitely have some shame. Atleast I'm back and I'm going to try again.

Not going to give up on myself just yet.

Berrybean

Hi Zaec, we cross posted again, but this time I've sent a private message.

I always think of this and AA as my sobriety family. It's a good feeling to have that support isn't it. I'd always shied away from telling anyone anything about my true feelings and thoughts, so it was a relief to find people who understood.

Time for a good breakfast and plenty of fluids I reckon. If my mum were with you she'd make you eat a couple of bananas for potassium as well. Not that she's ever had a hangover on her life, but it did used to work a bit (not that I admitted as much to her lol).

Hevyn

Zaec - Every time I slipped I was gone for months - even years a couple times. You haven't done that - you came right back to give it another go. Never be embarrassed with us - we are the people you can be your true self with. We understand each other like no one else can. You can rise above this & have a great new life - never give up.

Zaec

Day 2

You guys are really pulling me through this slip and I hope to find my motivation again. If I didn't realise it before, I realise now that I cannot take that first sip. That first sip will take me right back. I remember so little of that night and it is really scary.

I spent yesterday nursing myself with some healthy food and teas. Today is a bit better but the guilt and shame will probably hang around for a while.

I will not drink today.

Berrybean

Have you considered checking out the AA resources in SA? It looks like they have a forum as well as meetings there. It's good to have a range of support.

Hevyn

I'm glad you're feeling better. It was so hard to admit willpower could never work - that there would never be one or two. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that. So much damage was done while I tried to moderate.

SummerBlueSky

I have read a lot of people say, "you need to tell him/her that you are an alcoholic" ... why is this necessary? Wouldn't it just cause more problems and issues?

SummerBlueSky

Is it possible to be part of this network, quit drinking and do this quietly without having to actually say "I have a drinking problem" out loud and to your partner?

Dee74

I don't think there's universal advice either way SummerBlueSky.


I told everyone but now looking back I don't think I'd do that now - I was scared I'd drink again and I wanted everyone to 'help'...

I see that as a very alcoholic way of thinking now...I worried a lot of people unnecessarily and I regret that.

Having said that, had I been in a relationship at the time I think my loved one would deserve to know, if they didn't know already.

D

Zaec

Day 5 still sober

trying not to overwhelm myself for now. addiction is so tricky. I now understand that willpower alone is not enough.

Bec I will look into some online AA meeting. Being from a very small community, im not sure I can face a actual meeting.

Yeah Summerbluesky I still have not said it out straight to my husband. Maybe one day I will find the courage to say it out loud.

I am off work tomorrow and Friday. Probably won't have much time to post as my whole family will be home. Want to take the kids to a nature reserve for their school holidays.

I am feeling much more emotional this time around. Also my mood just changes at the drop of a hat. I know this is all part of the process and I cannot go back.

I was so sure of myself at my last try that this time I am very fearful to not slip.

Another thing. I was starting to look better and just one night sent me into a bloated mess. I still have not lost it. Not that it is my main concern but one night can reset so much hard work.

Thank you for the support SR.

Hawkeye13

It takes a few days to get you emotional self back on track after a slip.
The bloating will also go away again so don't worry about that.
Just take care of yourself--stay hydrated and eat well,
focus on positive things, and the sober days will accumulate again
quickly.

Like you, I kept trying to moderate until I finally got the lesson
that I cannot and will never be able to.
Once you really accept that, sobriety gets easier and more rewarding.

I think you are doing a fantastic job Zaec--
How wonderful your kids will have so many good memories
of time with you going to nature reserves, playing, and eating
delicious dinners.

Sometimes keeping the focus on those little daily joys really helps
through emotional times. . . you can do this

Hevyn

Proud of you for being so positive & determined. I hope you have a wonderful time with your family. Staying busy is a good idea.