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I need advice...and insight PLEASE

Old 05-21-2016, 12:27 PM
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If I went into a treatment center...would I have to stay for 30 days?

My husband has me believing Im an alcoholic. I don't want to lose my job though. How would I go through this?


QUOTE=jseattle;5961927]Your husband is using your alcohol addiction to control and manipulate and humiliate you. He is absolutely abusing you. No question. Not just marking the bottles but mocking you and trying to control you and how much you see your son, fixating on whether your ex is "winning" etc. Please call a domestic abuse hotline and talk to them. If possible get a burner phone or find another way to cover your tracks as you develop an escape plan.

Your husband is acting as an abuser not a doctor when he does things like calling you a drunk. He is debasing you. A doctor would know that you may have an alcohol addiction and that it AN ILLNESS that needs TREATMENT not humiliation and mockery and name calling. I would get the hell out.

I very much suspect you do have an addiction if you are so fearful of losing the alcohol that it remains a weapon for your husband. If you can quit he loses that weapon. (He will find another one.).

You would probably find going into treatment a wonderful experience where you can address the addiction and the other things going on in your life in a safe place. You can separate the alcohol issues from the marriage issues and think clearly.

It is very common to be afraid of sobriety but sobriety brings great benefits. Think about the sacrifices you have made for alcohol - the money, the sanity, the support, the self confidence. Think about your own self image. Giving up the buzz is hard but there is so much to be gained.[/QUOTE]
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Old 05-21-2016, 01:32 PM
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^ the amount of days is dependent on you. You are an adult, you have the decision to leave treatment at anytime or stay for longer if you wish and the funds are there. The key is how badly do you want to be sober? Many people enter rehab because they were given ultimatums by a partner, parent, etc. but they will easily drink again once out of rehab because the desire of stopping for themselves is not strong enough. A mere 30 days isn't a miracle that will cure you from all your problems. It will give you some tools and what you do with those tools is entirely up to you. My AH checked into rehab for 30 days, he has prolonged his stay to 60 days (on his own accord) to gain even more tools and understanding of himself so that he has a better chance of sobriety when he comes out into the real world.

As for work, that boils down to how badly do you want to quit the lifestyle you have been leading. Is it strong enough to risk your job? Many companies will completely understand and even have insurance benefits to pay their employees for their rehab program. In my opinion, getting sober, equipping yourself with knowledge, self-esteem, self-awareness is much more beneficial in the long-term than a job.
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Old 05-21-2016, 04:32 PM
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Quitting drinking was the first step for me to gaining clarity on the next right steps for me in my marriage, career, children, and friendships.

Your safety is the priority. You've gotten tons of good advice on next steps you can take. We're here for you all the way!!
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Old 05-21-2016, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by thisisit2016 View Post
If I went into a treatment center...would I have to stay for 30 days?

My husband has me believing Im an alcoholic. I don't want to lose my job though. How would I go through this?
.
Treatment centers vary in length, so it's best to call and ask questions of any place you are considering. There are also out-patient treatment centers where you live at home.

Please be sure to do this for yourself and not because your husband is telling you to do it. It's very hard to stop drinking and recover and you will need lots of motivation.
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Old 05-21-2016, 05:20 PM
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Part of my problem is I think I avoid stopping or slowing down because it is HIS idea. It ticks me off to no degree.

I have had 3 glasses of wine today. And he is all over my ass saying he thinks he needs to tell someone that I need help. It infuriates me and I want to keep drinking just to spite him.

I know this sounds terribly unhealthy. But it is the truth. I can't stand his attitude and narrcism. He isn't drinking (never drinks much anyway) and he says that he has so much clarity and can see all the issues and how much I need help. Grrrrrrr!

I want to punch him. Or snack him. He just makes me so upset. I don't want him to say "see, I told you..."

Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Treatment centers vary in length, so it's best to call and ask questions of any place you are considering. There are also out-patient treatment centers where you live at home.

Please be sure to do this for yourself and not because your husband is telling you to do it. It's very hard to stop drinking and recover and you will need lots of motivation.
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Old 05-21-2016, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by thisisit2016 View Post
Part of my problem is I think I avoid stopping or slowing down because it is HIS idea. It ticks me off to no degree. I have had 3 glasses of wine today. And he is all over my ass saying he thinks he needs to tell someone that I need help. It infuriates me and I want to keep drinking just to spite him. I know this sounds terribly unhealthy. But it is the truth. I can't stand his attitude and narrcism. He isn't drinking (never drinks much anyway) and he says that he has so much clarity and can see all the issues and how much I need help. Grrrrrrr! I want to punch him. Or snack him. He just makes me so upset. I don't want him to say "see, I told you..."
In the end, it is about YOU not him. Using teenager tactics of rebelling just hurts you longer in the end. Why the constant torture to yourself?
I've heard all negative qualities about your husband from being a narcissist to a controlling abuser to you wanting to punch him. I haven't heard any positives. What makes you stay in this marriage?
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Old 05-21-2016, 10:09 PM
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Bad relationships and alcohol can go hand in hand, perhaps you are using alcohol as a coping mechanism to endure the negative aspects of your relationship with your husband....

Perhaps your attempt to self-medicate has crossed over to alcoholism...IDK...I do know that alcohol is a lousy counsellor for an abusive relationship...
None of your answers can be found at the bottom of a glass....

It is great that you are here with us, how about using us as support to quit drinking...that alone can help with your mental and emotion health and give you the strength to make decisions regarding your future.
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Old 05-22-2016, 04:42 AM
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yes, if part of the reason you are drinking daily at home is because you
you feel so hurt and attacked in your marriage, time to reevaluate your marriage

What about simply seeing your doctor and quitting for a few months to see if
there is any truth in the claim husband has that you are an addict?
I suggest coupling this with some short-term therapy to deal with the emotional issues
that will very likely surface once you aren't suppressing them with alcohol.

This all needs to come from you, however.
I agree with others husband is using your drinking as a tool to demean and belittle you.
Yet, there also may be truth that you are progressing in your drinking and that,
no matter if he is in or out of your life, will ultimately have a negative impact on you.

It sounds like a very unhappy home life. Sending you a hug.
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Old 05-22-2016, 06:10 AM
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Originally Posted by thisisit2016 View Post
I know this sounds terribly unhealthy. But it is the truth.
I respect your honesty. For me, digging in and writing about my struggles with honesty and humility is what set me free.
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Old 05-24-2016, 08:40 PM
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Help. Update

Need to vent and ask for help.

I tried going all day without drinking and ended up having 3 glasses of wine tonight.

Today, news of my my husband's felony arrest made the newspaper. And it talked about me being the victim. Again he broke my finger (3 screws in my hand) when yanking my make up bag out of my hand during argument while I was trying to leave.

This was very sad because in the comment section people started saying I was a gold digger. Their assumption because he was a doctor. But I have a very good job myself!!! I was a well known news anchor.

When his 20 year old daughter saw it she began posting non stop. She called her dad a "hero" for giving me a house, food and support". I'm not a flipping puppy!

I was horrified. Then her boyfriend got on there and said that I was a liar and a fraud and a scam artist. HORRIBLE.

I demanded he call them and tell them to retract. He said he didn't want to bother her at work. He eventually texted her and told her to edit it. Her boyfriend did too but commented "free speech. Deal with it bitch"

I almost left the house. I tried. But he begged me not to. And within an hour he was telling me I must sign a waiver that swears I won't prosecute. So his lawyer can get the case dropped. I haven't yet.

I have to testify against him Thursday IF I get the guts. That means I have to leave him.

He says I need to understand his daughter is just protecting her daddy. And get a grip.

Should I be ire understanding????
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Old 05-24-2016, 09:21 PM
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Never, never read the comments section. People are idiots online. There's a type of misogyny online that I can barely wrap my head around (I deal with this stuff at work).

You can't control how other people treat you, you can only control your own behavior. My advice would be to ignore the daughter and the boyfriend, plus definitely the internet commenters.

As for what to do with the husband, that's up to you, but I think it will only get worse. He's not behaving the way a normal, non-abusive person would in this situation. A person with any sense would be mortified and doing anything in their power to deal with their rage issues. I worry that there could be more physical abuse in the future.
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Old 05-25-2016, 05:23 AM
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Have you been to a lawyer yet?
Sounds as though you need to whatever you decide.

I'd do that first before deciding what to do, and I personally would not sign anything.
He sounds like a pretty selfish person who clearly doesn't has your best interests at heart.

The fact that you are still drinking should also be addressed by you for you.
I don't think this will help the situation in any way--it doesn't matter what he says or thinks about it at this point,
you need to take charge of it for you.

Things won't be getting easier for awhile, and drinking will not help the situation and may be very harmful.
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Old 05-25-2016, 06:44 AM
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Sounds to me like you need some legal advice. It also sounds like he's being extremely manipulative. I think being away from him is in your best interest at this point, don't rule out involving law enforcment too if you feel threatened.

As difficult as it seems right now, drinking is not helping anything - so you need to try and focus on yourself and your own well being. Have you considered local support like meetings?
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Old 05-25-2016, 12:03 PM
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Try not to get frustrated with his daughter's comments. It's a natural response for family to try to protect family when they don't have ALL the information. I mean, Ted Bundy's mom was sticking by his monstrous son till his death. What you shouldn't do is cause conflict between his own children and him, by you continuing the fight with them will just strengthen their ill perception of you.

What you need to work on is YOU and what is best. If you want to stay in a controlling and abusive relationship then keep doing what you are doing. If you want a change and a difference then you will need to testify against him. You are capable of standing up for yourself and not allowing him to get the upper hand anymore. He needs to own up to his mistakes and live with them. You state that a part of you drinks to rebel against his "I told you so" attitude. Well by you not testifying will just affirm his belief that "he always gets what he wants". He wins, you lose. It's up to you if you want to break that cycle and I know it ain't easy and the hardest thing is to muster up that courage.
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Old 05-25-2016, 01:13 PM
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I'm sorry to say thisisit, but based on what you have shared on this forum, there are multiple issues in play. Regarding the drinking, only YOU can determine if you are drinking too much or if you are an alcoholic, not HIM.

The relationship does not sound like much fun at all. I think the problem is the combination of drinking, him and the marriage and in my humble opinion, it all needs to get sorted out. I know you are on TV and he's a surgeon and that's wonderful, on paper looks terrific. In reality it sounds like hell on earth. I'd bug out asap, but I'm a guy.
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Old 05-29-2016, 02:10 PM
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If your insurance covers it you might want to check into a rehab facility. Most employers will let you off for stress leave if you get a doctor's (not your husband) note.

If you do not want to or can't do this. Move in with a trusted friend for a long weekend or more and dry out there. You will most likely not sleep much during that time. So load up on things that will occupy your time and make you feel cozy (i.e, movies, books, games, ice cream, etc).

Attend a few open both AA and Al-anon meetings, and, if it makes you feel more comfortable, where you will not run into people you know. If you can't do that there a lots of meetings and other resources on line.

Yes your husband is an abuser. Just because he is a doc does not mean anything. Lot's of docs in AA and other programs.
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Old 05-29-2016, 03:30 PM
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In my experience, abusive behavior is more progressive than alcoholism. My ex suffered from both. He also used to cry suicide, until he finally went through with it (20 years later, but he did it). He was ill. Alcoholic and abusive and had his own problems....unaddressed.

You can only control you. Seek help for detoxing, which can be through your doctor, not husband. Maybe work the steps in AA or find a program of recovery you can utilize and do it well so you can stay stopped.

Seek help through your local Domestic Abuse Center, most states have these readily available to anyone.

Once you stay stopped and start thinking clearly, you will know what you need to do.

No more excuses for you or for him; you can start living life without drinking!!
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