Ugh why?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Ugh why?
I am nearing 5 months free of alcohol and benzos. I would have near ten months but I had a few slips after tapering off of benzos and drank a few times. But seriously in this entire past year I have drank SO much less and entirely quit benzos and I thought I should feel good about that. But instead I am worried 24/7 about my health and keep thinking on all the bad stuff I did to my body plus being way overweight for 2 years. I lost 35 pounds a long time ago but I still could lose a few.
Anyway my point is I am feeling worse with each day instead of happy or hopeful or anything. I went to the Dr more times than can count last year and have had 2 full check ups the last year and a half and the last one was 6 months ago. Everything came back good. I was surprised. I think all the time of all the awful things I took and drank I mean I took vicodin at times, advil, ambien, klonopin, anti depressants, plus daily heaving drinking for so, so many years. I mean there is no way possible my liver isn't fried and I know the other shoe will drop sometime. Plus being female and I have read the studies on how much worse all of this is for a female.
I am just not comforted by the fact that I no longer take anything but the occasional Benadryl. I don't even take an advil in the throes of womanly pain and I have endo and fibroids so that's a real fun time, I am too scared to though.
I just cannot move on, I am so worried and afraid all of the time.
Does anyone else go through this? Despite months of sobriety?
Please if you feel angry irritated or upset by this post, I ask kindly that you move on to another post. I am so wound up, I never sleep anymore, just so anxious all the time, I really can't mentally take it if someone gets upset at me right now. I just don't understand why I am so hyper nervous all the time despite these major changes I made that are supposed to be good.
Anyway my point is I am feeling worse with each day instead of happy or hopeful or anything. I went to the Dr more times than can count last year and have had 2 full check ups the last year and a half and the last one was 6 months ago. Everything came back good. I was surprised. I think all the time of all the awful things I took and drank I mean I took vicodin at times, advil, ambien, klonopin, anti depressants, plus daily heaving drinking for so, so many years. I mean there is no way possible my liver isn't fried and I know the other shoe will drop sometime. Plus being female and I have read the studies on how much worse all of this is for a female.
I am just not comforted by the fact that I no longer take anything but the occasional Benadryl. I don't even take an advil in the throes of womanly pain and I have endo and fibroids so that's a real fun time, I am too scared to though.
I just cannot move on, I am so worried and afraid all of the time.
Does anyone else go through this? Despite months of sobriety?
Please if you feel angry irritated or upset by this post, I ask kindly that you move on to another post. I am so wound up, I never sleep anymore, just so anxious all the time, I really can't mentally take it if someone gets upset at me right now. I just don't understand why I am so hyper nervous all the time despite these major changes I made that are supposed to be good.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Europe
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Maybe we have to accept that there is something like a post traumatic shock in addiction too. As much as sobriety is the way forward, feeling hunky dory is absolutely not a given, and - in my experience - the first year can be downright hard. I was all over the place, and was sure I had some horrible diseases lurking beneath it all, despite tests telling me otherwise.
Probably said it before, but for me it took 9 months before I started feeling a bit better. I don't know if it's because, like you, I also was detoxing from benzos, but I believe it's logical that this played a role with me. Now I'm a 6'7 guy, which is a tad different, but I still felt like a truck had ran over me for the better part of the first year sober.
If you take a step back: our brains had adjusted over the years to a constant flow of alcohol and benzodiazepines. This does not mean there is permanent damage - no harm in trusting those test results - but it does mean that our brain isn't very happy with the massive change in chemistry.
My real breakthrough came after I really started looking at my diet. In my second year sober I lost 75 pounds without ever going hungry. This did loads for my self esteem as well as my health. I didn't go crazy, but I tried to focus on fresh products, with the basic idea: if it a) comes in a box or b) my grandma wouldn't recognize it as food, I didn't eat it. If it made any claims about health, I didn't eat it. Simple, but effective.
I'm not saying that you should do the same; it's just an option, but what you don't need is more stress still.
In short: try to not despair - for some of us it just takes time (it certainly did for me), and although sober, we still need to deal with the stuff that made drinking and drugging a rather good idea at the time.
Probably said it before, but for me it took 9 months before I started feeling a bit better. I don't know if it's because, like you, I also was detoxing from benzos, but I believe it's logical that this played a role with me. Now I'm a 6'7 guy, which is a tad different, but I still felt like a truck had ran over me for the better part of the first year sober.
If you take a step back: our brains had adjusted over the years to a constant flow of alcohol and benzodiazepines. This does not mean there is permanent damage - no harm in trusting those test results - but it does mean that our brain isn't very happy with the massive change in chemistry.
My real breakthrough came after I really started looking at my diet. In my second year sober I lost 75 pounds without ever going hungry. This did loads for my self esteem as well as my health. I didn't go crazy, but I tried to focus on fresh products, with the basic idea: if it a) comes in a box or b) my grandma wouldn't recognize it as food, I didn't eat it. If it made any claims about health, I didn't eat it. Simple, but effective.
I'm not saying that you should do the same; it's just an option, but what you don't need is more stress still.
In short: try to not despair - for some of us it just takes time (it certainly did for me), and although sober, we still need to deal with the stuff that made drinking and drugging a rather good idea at the time.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
These are a few suggestion that keep me Happy, Joyous and FREE:
+ Do a Web Search for Recovery Speakers. There are many and most are free.
+ Read the book Alcoholics Anonymous and Work the Steps thoroughly.
+ Stay involved with this website - it is a source of much insight as to how we 'Live Life on Life's Terms' - Sober.
I drank for 40 years, and struggled hard for years (face in the asphalt, gut wrenching struggling). The suggestions above work in the Real World of worries, fears, anxiety, stress, and how to deal with it all.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
+ Do a Web Search for Recovery Speakers. There are many and most are free.
+ Read the book Alcoholics Anonymous and Work the Steps thoroughly.
+ Stay involved with this website - it is a source of much insight as to how we 'Live Life on Life's Terms' - Sober.
I drank for 40 years, and struggled hard for years (face in the asphalt, gut wrenching struggling). The suggestions above work in the Real World of worries, fears, anxiety, stress, and how to deal with it all.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by sleepie 
I just cannot move on, I am so worried and afraid all of the time.
They sure do talk a lot about fear there.
Seems to be an issue that many deal with.
As we know, exercise usually helps with most all things.
Laying around and feeling scared may not be for the best.
We people usually need to get outside and get some sun.
Hope that you have a much better day today,
Bob
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im not upset at all.
actually im saddened because youve been given hundreds of suggestions over the years for the exact same thing yet make excuses for not using them.
no action, no change.
idk,sleepie, but it seems the easiest,softest way doesnt work too good and reads pretty depressing.
maybe, just maybe its time to start using the hundreds of suggestions that havebern given out.
again,im not angry or irritated. its just sad that so many people take their time to give suggestions.
actually im saddened because youve been given hundreds of suggestions over the years for the exact same thing yet make excuses for not using them.
no action, no change.
idk,sleepie, but it seems the easiest,softest way doesnt work too good and reads pretty depressing.
maybe, just maybe its time to start using the hundreds of suggestions that havebern given out.
again,im not angry or irritated. its just sad that so many people take their time to give suggestions.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi all. Thanks guys! Well as for the diet- yes BIG changes need to be made. I am a bit ashamed to say I am not there just as yet. My coffee and my treats are the only things that make me happy right now. And I know I'll pay for that later but cutting out the comfort foods I have throws me into some kind of existential anxiety. A pleasureless life... I do as some of us will- entertain a mental picture of myself as a "zenned out" picture of dietary perfection, taking such great pleasure in the scent of the magnolia tree or the morning's clamor of birdsong that fleeting delights of the tastebuds no longer hold appeal... but don't hold your breathe LOL!
But yeah the diet... So ok there is a small hope to be had there if I can actually accomplish it. It seems awful strange to me that I was SO much more active as a drinker. My legs had muscles! I lived on my bike. I loved to walk.
As for AA. No, I don't do AA. I have considered it as I have gone in the past. But the more unstable folk seem to make a beeline for me, and my judgement is not good when it comes to these things so I rather fear going. I am also quite reluctant to leave home, another reason SR has been very useful in the process of sobriety.
I will take a look at Recovery Speakers.
And thanks, Formerbeerlover!
But yeah the diet... So ok there is a small hope to be had there if I can actually accomplish it. It seems awful strange to me that I was SO much more active as a drinker. My legs had muscles! I lived on my bike. I loved to walk.
As for AA. No, I don't do AA. I have considered it as I have gone in the past. But the more unstable folk seem to make a beeline for me, and my judgement is not good when it comes to these things so I rather fear going. I am also quite reluctant to leave home, another reason SR has been very useful in the process of sobriety.
I will take a look at Recovery Speakers.
And thanks, Formerbeerlover!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
yeah i'm with ya sleepie for at least the first eyar if not longer because even now i can be a bit of a hyperchondriac at times. I was constantly worried about what was wrong with me now alwyas checking out dr google and trying a supplement to fix whatever i felt was wrong etc..
I didnt feel right at all not being on anything either. for so long i had been on something that it became my normal to be intoxicated in one way or another or knocked off kilter by some medication or soemething.
I basicly felt i didnt belong in my body i didnt feel comfortable at all in my own skin and i felt i surely didnt have much time left with all the damage i must have done.
In my case I just kept making changes and making changes and making changes till i became the vegan health nut fitness wack job that i am now. I've basicly gone to the other end of the spectrum. I figure this gives me the best fighting change to fight off allt hose possible illness demons that might come and haunt me because of my past sins.
I also feel better now a bit more comfortable in my skin and such. But I wont lie deep deep down i hate to say this But i still sometimes feel like this isnt me. THt the real me is the fat guy with a beer in one hand and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
I guess in time i'll feel more and more comfortable in my own skin. that seems to be how its gone down. Just is taking a while it'll be 5 years for me next month and i still battle demons. I'm ok with it tho its just the way that it is.
I didnt feel right at all not being on anything either. for so long i had been on something that it became my normal to be intoxicated in one way or another or knocked off kilter by some medication or soemething.
I basicly felt i didnt belong in my body i didnt feel comfortable at all in my own skin and i felt i surely didnt have much time left with all the damage i must have done.
In my case I just kept making changes and making changes and making changes till i became the vegan health nut fitness wack job that i am now. I've basicly gone to the other end of the spectrum. I figure this gives me the best fighting change to fight off allt hose possible illness demons that might come and haunt me because of my past sins.
I also feel better now a bit more comfortable in my skin and such. But I wont lie deep deep down i hate to say this But i still sometimes feel like this isnt me. THt the real me is the fat guy with a beer in one hand and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
I guess in time i'll feel more and more comfortable in my own skin. that seems to be how its gone down. Just is taking a while it'll be 5 years for me next month and i still battle demons. I'm ok with it tho its just the way that it is.
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zjw- 5 years! How great. I love the idea of vegetarianism. I wondered how that would work with the prediabetes thing. I don't know. I was veggie in the past and it was ok. I was briefly vegan and it didn't work out for me. But it's good you got it worked out before you had any problems because it does throw a wrench in things. I know I have already got an issue because I got the prediabetes, my a1c was normal last time but thing is the sugars still go high when I eat and test. I think knowing that is part of what haunts me. That it will catch up to me someday, that I quit too late and maybe other things are there too just not showing up yet.
Sigh.
I mean I hope I am here and in good health 5, 7, 10 years from now so that I can tell others- "You can still turn things around". But I don't feel that lucky.
Sigh.
I mean I hope I am here and in good health 5, 7, 10 years from now so that I can tell others- "You can still turn things around". But I don't feel that lucky.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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theres some documentaries on youtube people reversing diabetes by going vegan. But they are eating only whole foods and very low fat. If you want you can pick my brain via PM But i dont want to get slapped with the giving medical advice rule lol.
IN all the reading I've done people tend do do well battleing diabetes by either doing a low carb diet higher in fats or a Low fat diet higher in carbs and then working in some excercise etc..
I was starting to accept some of my ailments was like welp this is as good as it gets i guess ::shrug:: but in time even many of those faded away.
I didnt wake up one day and feel bad for the animals and decide to be a health freak and be vegan. it was a process. was like well i still dont feel that great I guess i can try removing this from my diet. welll i still dont feel that great I guess i can try that excercise thign. well I still dont feel that great I guess i can try this well this made it worse let me stop that. A tone of trial and error and My body was the big expierment i think lol. But I got most of the kinks worked out now and am pretty content witht eh routine and diet I have going. I've been doing this vegan stuff for over 3 years and everytime i took a detour i came running back to it. I'm pretty stuck in it now.
IN all the reading I've done people tend do do well battleing diabetes by either doing a low carb diet higher in fats or a Low fat diet higher in carbs and then working in some excercise etc..
I was starting to accept some of my ailments was like welp this is as good as it gets i guess ::shrug:: but in time even many of those faded away.
I didnt wake up one day and feel bad for the animals and decide to be a health freak and be vegan. it was a process. was like well i still dont feel that great I guess i can try removing this from my diet. welll i still dont feel that great I guess i can try that excercise thign. well I still dont feel that great I guess i can try this well this made it worse let me stop that. A tone of trial and error and My body was the big expierment i think lol. But I got most of the kinks worked out now and am pretty content witht eh routine and diet I have going. I've been doing this vegan stuff for over 3 years and everytime i took a detour i came running back to it. I'm pretty stuck in it now.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
im not upset at all.
actually im saddened because youve been given hundreds of suggestions over the years for the exact same thing yet make excuses for not using them.
no action, no change.
idk,sleepie, but it seems the easiest,softest way doesnt work too good and reads pretty depressing.
maybe, just maybe its time to start using the hundreds of suggestions that havebern given out.
again,im not angry or irritated. its just sad that so many people take their time to give suggestions.
actually im saddened because youve been given hundreds of suggestions over the years for the exact same thing yet make excuses for not using them.
no action, no change.
idk,sleepie, but it seems the easiest,softest way doesnt work too good and reads pretty depressing.
maybe, just maybe its time to start using the hundreds of suggestions that havebern given out.
again,im not angry or irritated. its just sad that so many people take their time to give suggestions.
I realize your suggestions or ones like yours might be the exact thing some of us needed. But I dunno about sleepie but in my case if not for the hard way..... I always did everythign the hard way. Its like how I'm wired. I'm not gonna say your wrong. You very well coudl be right. But I will say if you didnt feel simlier to her at this stage in yoru journey your fortunate in that regard.
The journey i'm finding more and more is pretty unique to everyone but also pretty simlier.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Hey Sleepie
I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy. Why anyone would post something that would upset you, I don't know. I would make the suggestion, for your own well being, to read posts like instructions for setting up your DVR or something. Try not to personalize. I can take things REALLY personally sometimes...and I know in order to be happy in recovery I have to learn not to. I think most people here mean really well.....although some can be very direct. Sometimes we don't get what we want, but we get what we need (hey isn't that a song?)>
I have very bad anxiety and PTSD. If I allow myself, my thinking can spiral into all kinds of counterproductive and distorted directions. I mean, I can make myself believe stuff that simply isn't there. Kind of scary.
Acceptance for me is so important. I can only control so much and if I've done all I can, well, I'm done. I have to let it go. Surrender. That life is what it is. Worrying endlessly does nothing but make me sick. Gratitude. Forcing myself to focus on all the positives in my life, rather than the negatives (and often making up negatives just so I can get all flustered and worried....its what I'm used to). Action. Doing things for myself that actively help my anxiety...exercise, diet. Also, helping others (I'm greatly deficient in this area right now). Volunteering is a great way to stop thinking so much about ME!
Hang in there.
I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy. Why anyone would post something that would upset you, I don't know. I would make the suggestion, for your own well being, to read posts like instructions for setting up your DVR or something. Try not to personalize. I can take things REALLY personally sometimes...and I know in order to be happy in recovery I have to learn not to. I think most people here mean really well.....although some can be very direct. Sometimes we don't get what we want, but we get what we need (hey isn't that a song?)>
I have very bad anxiety and PTSD. If I allow myself, my thinking can spiral into all kinds of counterproductive and distorted directions. I mean, I can make myself believe stuff that simply isn't there. Kind of scary.
Acceptance for me is so important. I can only control so much and if I've done all I can, well, I'm done. I have to let it go. Surrender. That life is what it is. Worrying endlessly does nothing but make me sick. Gratitude. Forcing myself to focus on all the positives in my life, rather than the negatives (and often making up negatives just so I can get all flustered and worried....its what I'm used to). Action. Doing things for myself that actively help my anxiety...exercise, diet. Also, helping others (I'm greatly deficient in this area right now). Volunteering is a great way to stop thinking so much about ME!
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Well... it did take years for me to get to a point where sobriety is starting to stick.
As far as action and change, I may be wrong but being assessed for hours for a very likely learning disorder that I have lived with undiagnosed... that's no small thing to face. And I am facing that alone, IRL.
It's no small thing. I think it's a rather big issue to look in the face early in sobriety, or heck- ever. It is quite a thing to take in and I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through it to understand. But just have some respect for what I have done, is all I ask.
Because I assure you, there is nothing soft or easy about living your life with an unaddressed, undiagnosed learning disorder, a tic disorder, anxiety disorder, trichotillomania and 2 decades worth of abuse... and then going No Contact with abusive family.
As far as action and change, I may be wrong but being assessed for hours for a very likely learning disorder that I have lived with undiagnosed... that's no small thing to face. And I am facing that alone, IRL.
It's no small thing. I think it's a rather big issue to look in the face early in sobriety, or heck- ever. It is quite a thing to take in and I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through it to understand. But just have some respect for what I have done, is all I ask.
Because I assure you, there is nothing soft or easy about living your life with an unaddressed, undiagnosed learning disorder, a tic disorder, anxiety disorder, trichotillomania and 2 decades worth of abuse... and then going No Contact with abusive family.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Frickaflip233 yeah I can dream up a situation and be so fully immersed in it that i have all the REAL feelings of if it was actually happening. Then go around and be angry or sad or whatever and crap on those around me all because i'm caught up in some figment of my imagination *sigh*.
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Originally Posted by sleepie
Well... it did take years for me to get to a point where sobriety is starting to stick.
As far as action and change, I may be wrong but being assessed for hours for a very likely learning disorder that I have lived with undiagnosed... that's no small thing to face. And I am facing that alone, IRL.
It's no small thing. I think it's a rather big issue to look in the face early in sobriety, or heck- ever. It is quite a thing to take in and I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through it to understand. But just have some respect for what I have done, is all I ask.
Because I assure you, there is nothing soft or easy about living your life with an unaddressed, undiagnosed learning disorder, a tic disorder, anxiety disorder, trichotillomania and 2 decades worth of abuse... and then going No Contact with abusive family.
As far as action and change, I may be wrong but being assessed for hours for a very likely learning disorder that I have lived with undiagnosed... that's no small thing to face. And I am facing that alone, IRL.
It's no small thing. I think it's a rather big issue to look in the face early in sobriety, or heck- ever. It is quite a thing to take in and I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through it to understand. But just have some respect for what I have done, is all I ask.
Because I assure you, there is nothing soft or easy about living your life with an unaddressed, undiagnosed learning disorder, a tic disorder, anxiety disorder, trichotillomania and 2 decades worth of abuse... and then going No Contact with abusive family.
I think what your dealing with is like that dose of reality smacken you upside the face and I dunno about you but for me going into sobriety i had NO IDEA that was going to happen. I was totally unprepared for it not that it would've even mattered.
But you post here and thankfully theres people on this board that are gonna tell yeah. this is crap sometimes but you'll get through it its part of the process is all.
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I hope so. I was told by a former counselor that the first year is rough. I mean this is tied up with my normal chemistry as well, the tic disorder and other stuff go hand in hand with anxiety. Anxiety can be chemical just as depression can- but for some reason, it is ok to basically accuse people of choosing to be anxious.
Anyway... I dunno. I'm going for a coffee.
Anyway... I dunno. I'm going for a coffee.
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I am sorry you are going through this, Sleepie.
My experience was that when my recovery was only based on abstinence, I felt worse. When my recovery was based on sobriety, I felt a lot better, since working the program gave me the tools I needed to deal with my fears, anxiety, etc.
My anxiety was always made worse with coffee. I don't drink it anymore.
My experience was that when my recovery was only based on abstinence, I felt worse. When my recovery was based on sobriety, I felt a lot better, since working the program gave me the tools I needed to deal with my fears, anxiety, etc.
My anxiety was always made worse with coffee. I don't drink it anymore.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Some of it is perspective Sleepie. When I was at 4 months of sobriety, I was frustrated since I was waiting for the miracle to happen, yet it seemed like was never coming. The truth was that the miracle was there all along. I wasn't having to wake up to seeing how many bottles were in the recycle bin, didn't have to wake up with the shame and guilt from drinking, and a lot of the stress caused by drinking was gone.
However, it's all perspective. If you want to concentrate on how miserable you are all the time, you can do that, but I don't think it's helpful.
However, it's all perspective. If you want to concentrate on how miserable you are all the time, you can do that, but I don't think it's helpful.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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yeah to strategery's point i had various periods of stuff my head in the sand and ignore my problems just so that i could try and be happy about the better aspects of my life.
I dont think stuffing my head in the sand was or is the best strategy. But then again maybe it is. The more attention i give to the bad the more crappy i feel the more attention i give to the good the better i feel. I started to figure this out and so yeah I'll just blow off problematic aspects of my life that i cant fix and i take care of the things that i can and i just try and move forward and focus on what makes me feel good and happy.
this was a very strange concept to me because all my life i had my nose rubbed in my poo for me if you knwo what i mean. I was always told what a worthless **** kid i was and so on. All i new how to do was to focus on evertying that was bad about my life. WHy? its how i was rasised no one ever focused on anythign good about me and my life.
I had to learn how to focus on the good more and as stubborn and hard headed as i am it was not easy for me.
I dont think stuffing my head in the sand was or is the best strategy. But then again maybe it is. The more attention i give to the bad the more crappy i feel the more attention i give to the good the better i feel. I started to figure this out and so yeah I'll just blow off problematic aspects of my life that i cant fix and i take care of the things that i can and i just try and move forward and focus on what makes me feel good and happy.
this was a very strange concept to me because all my life i had my nose rubbed in my poo for me if you knwo what i mean. I was always told what a worthless **** kid i was and so on. All i new how to do was to focus on evertying that was bad about my life. WHy? its how i was rasised no one ever focused on anythign good about me and my life.
I had to learn how to focus on the good more and as stubborn and hard headed as i am it was not easy for me.
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Originally Posted by sleepie
I hope so. I was told by a former counselor that the first year is rough. I mean this is tied up with my normal chemistry as well, the tic disorder and other stuff go hand in hand with anxiety. Anxiety can be chemical just as depression can- but for some reason, it is ok to basically accuse people of choosing to be anxious.
I think the bottom line is that you have problems you need to deal with that are unrelated to your sobriety, and that makes you no different from any of the rest of us. Your problems might be different but we all have something. Being sober is fantastic - and it will help you better deal with all of your problems - but sobriety is NOT a solution to your problems. If you have anxiety and other psychological issues, you need therapy. If you have physical problems, you need to work with a medical doctor. Every problem has a solution, but we all need to hold up our end of the deal.
Things will get better over time, but you must do the work to make it happen. A therapist cannot "fix" you - you have to fix yourself based on the tools you are given. And it will require you to do things you don't want to do - every day. Sitting at home on the computer will not cure your anxiety or your tics or your depression. Getting out into the world and doing exercise, therapy, meetings, mindfuness or whatever else you have access to will.
You've been here on SR for over 6 years and you are now sober - that is fantastic. Now you need to start working on the underlying issues - and quite frankly, while SR can be somewhat supportive for you I think it's really holding you back in many ways too. It's an outlet for you to share all of your other problems, but you rarely ever actually do anything to make them better other than complain about them.
You mention that people don't "choose" to be anxious...that may be true, but people with anxiety CAN choose to do something about it and get better. Listing reasons why you CANNOT do something will not help.
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