Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIX: "Back in Black ...and White"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi Cow. Great rules.
Glad you put your hoof down
I know you will call for help if you have withdrawals?
If you use and we find out, like if you are using while here with us and talking with us... I'll tell you to pour it out. And morning check (or next day check) to make sure you aren't driving out for coffee.
You others can you help me with that?
I got my eye on you Cow.
Glad you put your hoof down
I know you will call for help if you have withdrawals?
If you use and we find out, like if you are using while here with us and talking with us... I'll tell you to pour it out. And morning check (or next day check) to make sure you aren't driving out for coffee.
You others can you help me with that?
I got my eye on you Cow.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Today, plan is to survive this freaking day.
But to answer you questions, Bunny, I pretty much have give up on programs, AA, and therapist. I do lot of that while I away, as I has in past. It just not ever produce progress. I actual think was start to make me worse. To be clear, I know those thing can be very helpful to many, but for me, was become like torture.
This time I gonna try to put down "addiction control" side of equation and approach from mental illness side of things. Cuz that is engine running this train. Aside from not using, what that approach mean exactly, I not sure yet, as I just very recently really, REALLY admitted to self that I has true mental illness. I still maybe little bit shock by that. I try couple more meds, but was horrific result and it clear I never gonna tolerate meds. So gonna has to find way to live with bi-polar without meds and without self-medicating. I doing lot of research and stuff. Not sure how it gonna go, but I guess we find out. Attention SR: Buckle up for safety.
I working a lot. A LOT. Every day is deadlines, very high stress. If I had not take job, I would now consider in-patient for mental health as last therapist had agree was better environment for me than in-patient for alcoholism. But I did take job. So it just you and me, kids.
Sleepies, I in withdrawals but I already live through withdrawals bunch of times so unless I get seizy, I just gonna deal, cuz not can do medical withdrawal right now. That 3 days and I gotta work. I kind of taper down before I quit yesterday, so hopeful it will just be ungodly sweating, shivers, shakings, some teeth clenching, muscle pain, disorientations, nonstop crying, dollop of crushing depressions and a sprinkle of free floating rage.
My goal for today is get dishes in for wash, NOT ME, dishes. (sorry Lenina!) I been eating off use plates for week now. Is total Grey Gardens in here and is gross and embarrassing.
Hi Little Kittycat! How is you going?
But to answer you questions, Bunny, I pretty much have give up on programs, AA, and therapist. I do lot of that while I away, as I has in past. It just not ever produce progress. I actual think was start to make me worse. To be clear, I know those thing can be very helpful to many, but for me, was become like torture.
This time I gonna try to put down "addiction control" side of equation and approach from mental illness side of things. Cuz that is engine running this train. Aside from not using, what that approach mean exactly, I not sure yet, as I just very recently really, REALLY admitted to self that I has true mental illness. I still maybe little bit shock by that. I try couple more meds, but was horrific result and it clear I never gonna tolerate meds. So gonna has to find way to live with bi-polar without meds and without self-medicating. I doing lot of research and stuff. Not sure how it gonna go, but I guess we find out. Attention SR: Buckle up for safety.
I working a lot. A LOT. Every day is deadlines, very high stress. If I had not take job, I would now consider in-patient for mental health as last therapist had agree was better environment for me than in-patient for alcoholism. But I did take job. So it just you and me, kids.
Sleepies, I in withdrawals but I already live through withdrawals bunch of times so unless I get seizy, I just gonna deal, cuz not can do medical withdrawal right now. That 3 days and I gotta work. I kind of taper down before I quit yesterday, so hopeful it will just be ungodly sweating, shivers, shakings, some teeth clenching, muscle pain, disorientations, nonstop crying, dollop of crushing depressions and a sprinkle of free floating rage.
My goal for today is get dishes in for wash, NOT ME, dishes. (sorry Lenina!) I been eating off use plates for week now. Is total Grey Gardens in here and is gross and embarrassing.
Hi Little Kittycat! How is you going?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Actually I drank last night too. And am now paying dearly for it with massive hangover. Plus lost key debacle with uber driver that required a locksmith. So I had an expensive bender last night. Am missing out on fun plans I had tonight because of it too.
I just called AA, it's time for me to make changes. I am scared but ready for change.
I just called AA, it's time for me to make changes. I am scared but ready for change.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Ok Trach now I'm all clear.
Please pardon me while I have a tantrum here for a second or 2.
I am actually getting a little jealous of those who are still drinking. I am a sad, sober mess. I have lost interest in things and am pretty much kissing what little creative ability I had goodbye. I am staring into the uncaring and indifferent face of tests next week to get details of a learning disorder I've probably lived with my entire life. I have exactly nothing to show for my efforts in life, the cruel joke being that I wasn't gonna get anywhere anyway because of said (undiagnosed) learning disorder. That's a nice trick on my life, after you know, my past life was all so great as well.
Yes I would love the temporary respite of a few drinks- or a couple valium, that I have sitting right here in a little drawer and still have not touched a single pill. I even think I deserve it for all I have been through.
But I have abstained. And all I get for that is tests and more bad news about my grey matter. My point is, am I the only one here actively enduring the scathing fires of sobriety? Despite the fact that I have pretty much nothing to look forward to and the only thing I was somewhat decent at, art making- is gone?
That even though I have been through hell I am blindly sober. Just not imbibing or pilling.
That's it.
Venting. Don't take it personally. I am not disappointed, I am jealous.
Please pardon me while I have a tantrum here for a second or 2.
I am actually getting a little jealous of those who are still drinking. I am a sad, sober mess. I have lost interest in things and am pretty much kissing what little creative ability I had goodbye. I am staring into the uncaring and indifferent face of tests next week to get details of a learning disorder I've probably lived with my entire life. I have exactly nothing to show for my efforts in life, the cruel joke being that I wasn't gonna get anywhere anyway because of said (undiagnosed) learning disorder. That's a nice trick on my life, after you know, my past life was all so great as well.
Yes I would love the temporary respite of a few drinks- or a couple valium, that I have sitting right here in a little drawer and still have not touched a single pill. I even think I deserve it for all I have been through.
But I have abstained. And all I get for that is tests and more bad news about my grey matter. My point is, am I the only one here actively enduring the scathing fires of sobriety? Despite the fact that I have pretty much nothing to look forward to and the only thing I was somewhat decent at, art making- is gone?
That even though I have been through hell I am blindly sober. Just not imbibing or pilling.
That's it.
Venting. Don't take it personally. I am not disappointed, I am jealous.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Grass is always greener, Sleepies. Take it from a cow. That why I keep hopping over the fence. I sorry you suffer in sobriety, I does too. Which suffering is worse? Some people not have good options, they just has to choose least hideous option.
Now I gonna has a tantrum venting on you: I really, really, really, really wish you stop obsess over you LD and start obsess on you many, many, many, many good qualities. I not being dismissive. I also has brain damage and I understand. But is also people with cerebral palsy and severe retardation (is that unPC?!) and they go on to fulfilling life. Just as I sure is people with bi-polar and seizures and all my crap that go on to fulfilling life. I know you wish that for me. And I wish that for you. We maybe never get it. That true. But let's work on it together, okay? We got a deal, remember?!
Little Kittycat, that total bummer, and costly. We both has been couple of the stragglers in getting to the sober place. We has to get it done this time, okay? We can be in it together. And J too. And I does hope Guinea Pig still around.
Jesus God. Talk about scathing fires. Between withdrawal and menopause I seriously gonna internal combust. I could melt igloo right now.
Now I gonna has a tantrum venting on you: I really, really, really, really wish you stop obsess over you LD and start obsess on you many, many, many, many good qualities. I not being dismissive. I also has brain damage and I understand. But is also people with cerebral palsy and severe retardation (is that unPC?!) and they go on to fulfilling life. Just as I sure is people with bi-polar and seizures and all my crap that go on to fulfilling life. I know you wish that for me. And I wish that for you. We maybe never get it. That true. But let's work on it together, okay? We got a deal, remember?!
Little Kittycat, that total bummer, and costly. We both has been couple of the stragglers in getting to the sober place. We has to get it done this time, okay? We can be in it together. And J too. And I does hope Guinea Pig still around.
Jesus God. Talk about scathing fires. Between withdrawal and menopause I seriously gonna internal combust. I could melt igloo right now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I know we have a deal, I didn't use any derogatory terms.
Here's the thing. Having ld means being poor and always in fear of losing your job and everything you have including your home (already happened but still). It means not having the money for your needs and never having money for your "wants" It means a life time of no security because you can't count on yourself.
And being poor sucks. For real poor- like a tiny studio in a bad neighborhood where people are shot at on a daily basis, and working full time hours yet not being able to afford food much less medical care or counseling or whatever- and making just enough not to qualify for any help on any of those things.
It's a grueling way to live and I did it for along, long time. Having ld, for me has meant a life of always being a hair away from some catastrophe.
That's what scares me Cow, aside from the low self esteem. I know I have other good qualities but that's of little comfort when I have nowhere to live and no food to eat and no place to go. This has happened to me twice in my life and every day I wonder when it will happen again. I was diagnosed with some ptsd last year (never addressed it) and I really think it's from living this way.
Here's the thing. Having ld means being poor and always in fear of losing your job and everything you have including your home (already happened but still). It means not having the money for your needs and never having money for your "wants" It means a life time of no security because you can't count on yourself.
And being poor sucks. For real poor- like a tiny studio in a bad neighborhood where people are shot at on a daily basis, and working full time hours yet not being able to afford food much less medical care or counseling or whatever- and making just enough not to qualify for any help on any of those things.
It's a grueling way to live and I did it for along, long time. Having ld, for me has meant a life of always being a hair away from some catastrophe.
That's what scares me Cow, aside from the low self esteem. I know I have other good qualities but that's of little comfort when I have nowhere to live and no food to eat and no place to go. This has happened to me twice in my life and every day I wonder when it will happen again. I was diagnosed with some ptsd last year (never addressed it) and I really think it's from living this way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
I drank last week too 
Sleepie I don't exactly know what my problem is.
I'm a binge drinker- I feel a build up of tension or something and then just go off the deep end
I was really poor too, food bank poor, with no one to help me out.
I always feel on the verge of this flimsy castle I've built crumbling.
I think I will never feel secure because I was never on solid ground my whole life.
I've just accepted that I'll always have anxiety about it.
I've managed to get myself to university with no help from anyone.
I always think they're going to find out I'm not the ' type' to be there and kick me out or something.
Sleepie I don't exactly know what my problem is.
I'm a binge drinker- I feel a build up of tension or something and then just go off the deep end
I was really poor too, food bank poor, with no one to help me out.
I always feel on the verge of this flimsy castle I've built crumbling.
I think I will never feel secure because I was never on solid ground my whole life.
I've just accepted that I'll always have anxiety about it.
I've managed to get myself to university with no help from anyone.
I always think they're going to find out I'm not the ' type' to be there and kick me out or something.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Sleepie, I echo cows sentiments. And I think you are brave and strong for facing things soberly. Don't deny yourself that. I'm also a straggler. I'll be honest neither side of the fence looks all that appealing in my world right now.
Maybe it's time for some cow, cat and straggler tipping....? Into saner pastures??
Here's for everyone who's struggling.
Maybe it's time for some cow, cat and straggler tipping....? Into saner pastures??
Here's for everyone who's struggling.
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