Aellyce

Hi friends,

I just want to admit to it. I had a ~2 week relapse recently, after >2 years sobriety. Won't say more except that the relapse was dreadful, would not wish it on anyone. But obviously I chose it, so...

Will start over. I mean not really "over", but I know I've been though a lot, experienced a lot, reacted a lot, and now it's time for new reactions and actions again. Maybe new thoughts again, not sure?

Carlotta

I am really glad you made it back Aellyce
Not sure what you were doing before but maybe it would be a good time to look at what happened which led you to drinking and tweak your plan accordingly.
I hope to see you at the 24 hours connections
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5862789

Bunny211

Hi and welcome back!
Are you or were you working a program of recovery? AA? AVRT? SMART?
If not - Might be worth looking into.

Hugs.

Aellyce

Thanks. I've explored, tried, and worked all of those, Bunny. And found all of them very insightful and useful in their own ways, at various phases of my life. I think my right now is an issue about long term maintenance.

trez

Seems like a lot of people relapse. Myself included. AA hasn't kept me sober so far. I wish I could bottle up this pain and open it the next time I think about drinking. I'm in agony right now. Best of luck to you.

Venecia

(((Aellyce)))

Start over. You're not the same person you were two years ago.

We'll walk with you.

Aellyce

I feel so ashamed, friends. But then I don't as I knew this coming. So, how do I get it uncoming? Well, no, going forward?

Venecia

I think your situation is unusual, Aellyce. And, as I've said before, you are a unique person.

The degree and intensity of loss you've faced in the last year is unlike that most of us face in many years. Perhaps, friend, some time in an inpatient treatment center would be an option to consider? I suggest that because it would be a way to care for the whole you -- and to help you build upon the many wonderful qualities that you possess, while giving you tools to move forward in the life you deserve.

Just a thought ...

least

Glad you're back.

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank Aellyce and I'm sorry for the things that have happened to you over the last year.

As I suspect you've found, drinking doesn't solve anything and it doesn't help you cope...if anything it depleted me.

I think you start like any of us do with a day one...get your sobriety back on track in the short term, and then you can look to the longer term?

D

Aellyce

Thanks, Venecia.

How, do you think, I am "unique" though? Or my situation? Am I not "terminally unique" like any of us?

Well, the intensity that apparently runs in our family, has landed at least two aunts in in inpatient psychiatric treatment. One committed suicide after a few in and outs of the facility. The other kinda succumbed to medication, and spent her last ~8 years in a mental health facility, apparently not unhappy. Both my dad's sisters. I don't even dare to start on my mom and her potential heritage. You know, I also sequenced my genome as part of a class. No known predispositions to cancer, but the landscape my genetic landscape aligns to known genetic psychopathologies...

Anyhow, I don't really want the rest of my life filled with psychopatologies, so I need to think and plan harder how (not) to deal with them.

Venecia

Hi, Aellyce,

Thank you for raising the question. You're correct in pointing out that the ol' "terminal uniqueness" is all too often a fallback position related to relapse.

That said, I think you're unique in the way you live your life, wholly separate from addiction, though admittedly the imprint it leaves is a part of our lives. I've always thought that you have, as you note above, an intensity that drives your decisions to pursue your academic career and research, your decision to come to a new country and your relationships.

You described your relapse as both dreadful and something you chose. That takes a lot of self-awareness.

That was why I suggested considering inpatient. It would be care for you on a level commensurate to your needs to pursue your life the way. More tools in the toolbox, a way to help safeguard you from wanting to fall into that terrible place again.

Mostly, I just want you to be well.

Aellyce

Dee, you are right, once again. Maybe. It'll be extremely hard for me to re-start... like counting days again, regarding myself as a beginner, again, after all that ***. I don't even know where to count my relapse: from ~2 weeks ago, the day when I drank, or my "emotional relapse" that I could trace back precisely now?

I only know that I feel horrible now and that, will admit, I am drunk right now. So, back to my ~1010 when I first signed up?

ScottFromWI

Glad you are back alleyce. I hope you can find a way to look forward and not backward. I think it's important to remember that while you have has a very diffcult year and life, your control your destiny when it comes to drinking. No one can take that away from you except yourself. I hope we can help you find a way to do that.

fini

It'll be extremely hard for me to re-start... like counting days again, regarding myself as a beginner, again, after all that ***. I don't even know where to count my relapse: from ~2 weeks ago, the day when I drank, or my "emotional relapse" that I could trace back precisely now?

Aellyce,
these are not the important things, imo. what matters more is that you do start again.
and it's not a bad thing (though a blow to pride/ego/whatever you want to call it)to know ourselves as a beginner. whether again or again again.
you say you chose it....any idea why you didn't choose differently?

and what you'll choose now?

EndGameNYC

I'm never happy when someone relapses, but I have to admit that some relapses hurt more than others.

I hope you're able to take care of yourself.

Carlotta

Aellyce, be kind to yourself ok?
Just pour the alcohol out if you still have any, make sure you drink some water so you don't have a horrible hangover tomorrow then try to get some rest.
Log into the 24 hours connections and into the class of march tomorrow.
Right now, just take it by baby steps
Tomorrow is a new day and we are here for you

totfit

Aellyce, you should not feel any shame. This is just part of your journey. You have not lost any of the sobriety you had any more than you lost any of the history you had of drinking prior to being sober. It is all life experience that we can learn from and move forward.

I have has several lapses and some hard relapses over about 28 years since I first acknowledged my issue and began working on sobriety. I am certainly not proud of any of my lapses, nor the drinking prior, but everything I have done in life brought me to where I am today and I am ok with it.

The good thing about your 2 years of sobriety is that you know you can do it. You have the experience with life and being sober. You have not "lost" that as some feel when they lapse. Just pick up, dust yourself off and move forward with a purpose. Make this relapse a momentum builder and not a killer. There is again no shame. It is all part of living and growing as an imperfect being. I wish you the best. Seems like you have a good grasp on things and I have faith you will move forward to better things.

Hawkeye13

I'm glad to see you posting and I'm sorry for all the pain
you've endured in the past year.
The booze didn't help me either during my last relaspe.

Pour out the rest, drink some water, get some sleep
and we'll see you sober to start the reboot.
You can beat this--you did for two years and you will again.

KAD

Hi Aellyce. I agree with what others have said. Go easy on yourself. I have found that shame is a pathway to relapse, as well. What's done is done. All you can do is move forward. It took strength of character to come here and admit that you relapsed. Focus on what led up to it and what you have learned from it. You've done very well and have learned a lot. You've also learned just how "cunning, baffling, powerful" this addiction really is. You can beat it.