AlaskaGirl

Thanks for the replies everyone. I don't know how to quote to answer questions on my iPad, but to address a few... I don't have a plan yet to address the anxiety without meds, but I need too. I've only recently recognized that is what is happening to me. I've tried deep breathing and relaxation techniques, but I need to do more research. And yes, I know normal drinkers don't black out. I'm not a normal drinker. I'm an alchoholic. I am trying to make SR a part of my recovery. I want to figure out my recent aversion to reading here.

Thumpalumpacus

AG, there are times I'm uncomfortable reading here, sometimes because it keys off a craving, and sometimes when I'm in F&FoA subforum, and recognize my crappy behavior in the posts from those members -- but both are important to me in my recovery, because I must learn how to deal with these feelings in myself, and so I grit my teeth and read.

Learning is never easy, and the pursuit of self-knowledge is often a bittersweet task ... but it's vital to healthy recovery.

Hawkeye13

I feel discomfort for other people suffering, especially when I see them rationalizing
their drinking, saying they can moderate, they aren't sure they have a problem when
clearly they do and I know the school of hard knocks is coming just like when I did
those things and it came for me.
So that part is hard--hard not to say "stop now--your kidding yourself" but that's
partly my control / co-dependence thing too.

The other thing that hurts a bit is when I post or read something that concerns delusions
I've been holding dear about changes or concepts I just need to let go of to better embrace recovery.

Growth and change is hard at times. I sometimes do miss the easy fix of booze and forgetting
about problems for awhile, even though I know it was destroying me and my relationships.
It was my "go to buddy" for a very long time, and stepping away can be challenging.

I don't know if any of this rings true for you, but overall,
posting here has been extremely helpful and worth the discomfort I've felt at times.
These days, I feel it much less because I've accepted some hard truths
like I can never ever moderate, thus I can't ever drink again.
Not easy, but getting easier. . .

CAPTAINZING2000

I come on here and read a new commers post how drinking is destroying their lives and the families that loves them.
That's enough reminder to me not to drink today!

freshstart57

I think you are struggling because you are still stuck with 'I can't drink but I wannaaaaaa'. Things will get really clear and simple when you arrive at the place where you decide, you choose, to stop drinking for good, and for your good. When you come to realize that you can have everything you want but ONLY IF there is never any more alcohol, and you weigh that trade clearly in your mind. This, for all of that, and decide that will be your path.

You are indeed a grown woman, and this is what we grownups do, sooner or later. We make rational choices when given clear alternatives. Your task is to see these alternatives clearly and simply.

I think you are there, AlaskaGirl. Your AV is putting up the fight about this, not you. Understand where the uneasiness is coming from, separate from it as no longer being you, and move on.

There is lots of great living to be done, just waiting for you. Leave the AV behind you, and move forward and through. You can do this! Onward!

advbike

The ego loves to create separation and reinforce denial. It says "I'm not like them..", which leads to "maybe I don't really have a problem" and then to "maybe I can still drink once in a while." Your anxiety may be from your ego (AV) fighting your acceptance of your disease.

I have been down that road many times. The reason AA reinforces the "powerless over alcohol" aspect in Step One is to take the self-will and control away from the person, because it almost always leads back to the rationalization of a drink.

I have enough self will to avoid drinking for two and a half years but wasn't really happy. My guilt and shame were still pulling at me, and I was still carrying resentments. I finally realized I would eventually drink again if I didn't embrace a program of spiritual recovery so I'm going to meetings and working the steps with a sponsor. It is really freeing to just let go of the control. To admit powerlessness over my ego.

NYCDoglvr

You can set yourself up by swearing to never drink again. What works better is to not drink today.

AlaskaGirl

Thanks again everyone. And Freshstart, "I can't drink but I wanna" made me smile. I don't want to drink daily. I had a lot of excuses before, I've stripped them down and finally stopped that behavior. This is the first time in my addicted life I have gone so long without it. It feels great. I know I can't drink at all, but I still want too. I don't think its ok. I can't moderate. (I would like to note that my definition of moderate has changed as I've gotten further into this process. It used to mean "I can just have a few drinks a night". When I finally cut that out I changed it to just on special occasions, my addiction trying to hold on tight.) Sometimes I wish I could, but that's not my reality. I'm so much better now than I was just 3 months ago. I'm proud of myself. Now this last step.

I'll keep reading, and try to post more on others threads.

freshstart57

You are perceptive there, AG, it is indeed your addiction trying to hold on tight, not you. I found that as long as the door was left open even a crack for future alcohol consumption, it was enough to get that AV roaring again. Just not for today? OK. Not really quitting? OK. Just a couple on New Years? OK. Better buy it now, avoid the crowds. And there's a sale. I wonder if this one would be good enough to serve the guests. Aaaaaannd there we go again! Blotto.

Just like a whiny brat, the not now maybe later approach just caused a never ending din of whining, wheedling and bargaining. The way to silence it was with a solid and unchangeable NO. It is NO now, it will be NO tomorrow, it will always be NO.

When that got established, I became free of it for good. The question of drinking no longer needed to be answered and I became free to turn my focus away from staying sober to doing all sorts of things now possible. I could start planning and building and learning and doing. You know, the good stuff that makes life good again.

I am proud of you, too, AlaskaGirl. You got this, I know you do.

MelindaFlowers

Checking in here used to make me anxious. When I chose a username and password and actually logged in I felt uncomfortable.

It meant that I was admitting to a huge problem in my life that I had denied for a long time.

I barely logged in for four years from 2010 to 2014 because logging in made me feel guilty about continuing to drink.

When I finally decided I would never drink alcohol again and I was comfortable with this decision, I was no longer uneasy to read on here.

zjw

i didnt want to go to my first aa meeting because the thought of sitting around talkign about drinking for an hour made me well very thirsty!! and one of my fav bars was right around the cornder from the meeting so i figured maybe i'd go and just hit the bar on the way home ::facepalm::

But luckily it didnt work out that way.

But I know what you mean it doesnt happen anymore for me really btu there was a time where just the talk of booze anything made me wanna drink it didnt matter the context it made me thirst.

Its like when i smoked cigarettes if i saw an add for quiting i'd immediatly go light one up.