tenspeedblender

Hi, everyone, I was on these forums for a little bit awhile ago but completely failed at sobriety. Welllllll.. it's time to do it for real this time.

I went on a ridiculous drug/alcohol bender, yet again. Blew off work a lot this week.. finally worked up the nerve to call my boss tonight and see if I should still come in tomorrow. She said yes, so I still have a job, which should make me feel better but it doesn't. I suffer from really bad anxiety and just thinking about going in tomorrow makes me feel like throwing up.

I'm just so terrified of never being happy in my life. I know quitting this party lifestyle is the first step, but everything that comes after is so scary.. all of my friends are alcoholics. I'm so scared of being lonely.

I just hate myself so much right now. I have the worst anxiety at the minute. I felt like if I logged back in here for awhile and read some threads before I throw my laundry in and get ready for bed that maybe I'll be in a better mindset tonight.. I just really don't know what else to do. I'm destroying myself, I have been cutting myself a bunch again and just.. really really feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Hevyn

Hi tenspeed - I'm so glad you decided to come back. There'll be plenty of encouragement for you here - and we won't give up on you.

I was behaving in the same way when I sound SR. It took me a few months to find the courage to actually stop - but I made it. I was afraid, too - that life would be boring and pointless. I can't believe I felt that way - drinking was no longer fun & was only bringing me pain and regret. We don't need that poison - you can get free and have a great new life.

JD

Welcome back. Did you have a plan on how to get and stay sober? If you did now's the time to tweak it.

tenspeedblender

I've never had a plan.. right now all I have is STOP. One of my friends went a month without drinking back in the summer. He has been super supportive of me today and helped me out so much and said he's willing to do another month so that we can go thru it together. Before I went on this stupid bender I'd been planning to start only drinking on Saturdays. Maybe one day I can actually make that a reality, but for right now I want to go at LEAST one whole month without ANY alcohol or drugs. I need to clean my brain and body out.

JD

If you're like most of us using only on Sat. or other moderation isn't going to work. I need to quit today and then keep repeating that.

Here's a good thread on putting together a plan to get and stay sober.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

tenspeedblender

It's always the benders that get me every time. I can drink on occasion and keep my **** together and not have terrible anxiety, but then once I add in the drugs and go a second day, then a third.. always comes back to get me. Regardless, right now I just want to stop hating myself so much and I think the best way to do that is clean all this bs out of my system. Even if one day I can be capable of moderating my alcohol usage it's going to take a long time to get to that point. I'm going to need to have non-alcoholic friends, non-alcoholic hobbies, and developing that takes time. Right now it's just so easy to keep binging and partying because it's all I have to work with. That needs to change.'

I really wish I had the money to move right now. All my friends live within five minutes of me, our whole social circle revolves around one bar just around the corner. I know if I moved somewhere else I would be so lonely but the temptation between my old lifestyle would be farther away.

Blacky

I can understand you being afraid.
Finding a way to stop drinking though is the first thing you should be concerned with. The future and your friends and such you can address from a sober position.

I wish you the strength to move forward.

tenspeedblender

I'm definitely done drinking for awhile, I'm rock solid in my resolve this time and I'm just hoping that maybe AA and feeling better will encourage me to do it lifelong. I'm scaring myself anymore, I don't even remember driving home the other night, and then I thought I had a dream where I took four Benadryl (I like them to help sleep) but I think I might have woken in a drunk stupid and really did it.. when I woke up yesterday my head felt so weird and I couldn't even stay conscious, I would be in the middle of checking my phone and then waking up 20 minutes later drooling all over myself.. scary. I'm not actively suicidal, but if I'm blackout drunk it seems I can't trust what I'll do. Terrible feeling, this needs to stop.

Ariesagain

Everything you're taking or drinking--including the Benadryl--is making your anxiety worse. These aren't your authentic feelings; it's the chemicals messing up your brain and keeping you freaked out so that you'll keep feeding your addiction.

Put it all down and find out who you really are?

tenspeedblender

I need to. I don't think I've ever known who I am. I'm only 26 years old and I just want to find out and turn my life around before it gets too late. It already feels too late but I know it's not.

SoberLeigh

The link that jd posted contains some really good information, tenspeedblender. It is very well worth the read.

Glad that you are here.

rooting for you.

ScottFromWI

You've got your whole life ahead of you tenspeeder, many of us didn't quit until much later in life. The anxiety is actually made worse by drinking....it's a vicious cycle to be certain. We get it though...we've all been exactly where you are and know there is a way out, a better way to life. Stick around....you will find a tremendous amount of support and help here.

FeelingGreat

tenspeed, you may need more that just going cold turkey, but if you can, that's a good start. The trick is to keep going, say a year, to give yourself a real chance at seeing how good sobriety can be.

I said a year at first, and by then I realised how stupid it would be to go back to drinking. I went from anxious and disgusted with myself to at peace, with far less worry in my life.

Use SR as a daily reminder and support for yourself. A plan might be to identify your triggers, say the time of day, or the need to relax, and plan around them to distract yourself or substitute something harmless. Make sure you don't get too hungry, thirsty stressed or tired, because your mind and body will instinctively turn to alcohol until it learns different.

Soberwolf

Welcome bk & nice to meet you Tenspeedblender

Dharma33

Hi, tenspeed-

I'm glad you were able to join the chat meeting last night!

How are you feeling today?

HighDraw18

10speed,

I'm also 26 and my problem is also binges that come out of nowhere leading to alcoholic drinking and substance abuse. I can relate to what you're feeling.

Good luck and I hope all is well.

Dee74

How are you doing tenspeedblender?

D

bullmas

Yes indeed my occasional constant drinking would always led me to depression , and when I included drugs (pot) along with booze it would always led me to multiple mental disorders and bad health as a bonus!

Cheers

quest7

I understand how you feel. I am still new in sobriety and had those feelings of hopelessness and anxiety. I believed, I could not stop drinking and for a while, gave up trying. But, it was killing me on the inside.

I tried moderation, but the craving would have me drinking into a black out. But, once my system and thinking cleared up, I found it easier to stay stopped.

The program taught me to look at the reasons I felt empty inside and how I was using drinking to fill that void(money, relationships, work, fear, etc.). It also taught me, that in my weakness I receive strength through my H.P.

For me, it wasn't about just not drinking. I had to look at what was broken inside of me. And over time, it has gotten easier. But there was some (growing) pain involved.

How you stick around. This is a great site and someone is always here.