Zeroine

I like Louise Hay's audio How to Love Yourself. It's 10 points to follow. Some of the examples are dated, but the points are sound.

The first and biggest is "Stop criticising yourself". She points out that however long people spend doing this, it never makes them a better person as a result.

Another one is that if you've done something you feel really bad about, the answer is to not do it again. You can't change what's already happened, but you can work to become the daughter/student/person you want to be.

You may need to spend time processing what's happened in the past, and grieving for lost opportunities. It isn't good to just try to ignore it. The key is to work through it, not to get stuck there.

Do you have a counsellor or therapist who can help you with this? Maybe a counsellor at your new school?

MC23

Thank you for sharing. I also share your feelings of disliking myself.

bullmas

"I feel so ashamed and cannot live with myself. How can someone hit rock bottom and still continue? "

Continue <as when you were young> feeling good and free again !even if only removing the toxins from your beautiful life will set you free.

cheers

HollyWouldnt

I would give everything I have if my now 30 year old son had written a post just like yours when he was 23.
You're way ahead of the game.

I hope you embrace this opportunity.

Thumpalumpacus

I had an emotional breakdown back in December. After a week or so of sobriety and contemplation, thinking of what I'd done as an addict to hurt those whom I loved, and thinking about where I stood in life as a result of my addiction, I thoroughly hated myself.

I talked to a buddy of mine, 28 years sober through AA, who gave me some great advice, which I'll paraphrase here. Forgiveness starts with yourself. You cannot change the past, and that is not what making amends is about: It's about changing the future.

Forgive yourself. You've screwed up. Congratulations -- you're human. Move forward with the determination to beat your addiction so that you can move in the direction you want.

You can do it. Don't use those feelings for torment. Use them for motivation.

Flyfisher125

23! So young! But so wise already! I'm 29 and wish I had the wherewithal to assess my drinking 6 years ago. Don't beat yourself up about the past. Can't change it, can only grow from it. I remember being super depressed after the initial high of being sober roughly 2 months or so after hanging up the drinking gloves. Give yourself time. Emotions normalized for me after several months. But give yourself some credit for stepping back and making a healthy decision at such a young age. Don't think of yourself as being a disappointment because of not completing school, that is a societal, arbitrary goal, and this decision shows you are smarter already than so many people who go to college.

Dropsie

Thanks for posting this -- I got a lot out of the responses.

Just saying to love yourself to me was not helpful because I had such deep seated self worth issues that while I could think it, I simply could not feel it.

The best advice I have received is that to by human is to be imperfect, and we need to embrace our imperfection. There is nothing wrong with not being perfect, but it is wrong not to be you and to do what YOU think is right, starting now.

look inward, and be your own guide.

And be sure to give yourself a big pat on the back -- what you are doing is amazing.

Luna1231

Thank you all for your kind responses. It means alot. I know im young and I can change things.
It just really hurts and I just feel that I wasn't myself for so many years. All the hurt and embarassment I caused myself, always thinking I was young and it was okay. That is was okay to get drunk and drive. That it was okay to party and act foolishly.
Life is really not that short. Its actually quite long. I have to be healthy and sane and enjoy life.
Its just really hard atm to do that. Anytime i'm okay, theres that voice in my head telling me I shouldnt be.
That im a complete and utter failure.

It will get better i hope. Thank you all so much.
Reading your response has made my day.

least

Fly N Buy

As I read your post I thought of this quote;

“Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”
― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World


Getting sober for me is kind of like driving and slamming the brakes on - all my "stuff" that was behind me in the back seat comes flying into the front seat with me.

My experience is that a lot of what I did isn't nearly as bad as I perceive it to be. I was an FBI top 10 wanted drunk, nor was I ever the Best In Class for anything. I won an award in high school - Best at never getting caught, yea that served me well..........sure.

I had to simply put one foot in front of the other - good or bad, what has transpired is a shadow. I can "make up" for my bad behavior by not repeating my mistakes.

Good for you on going to school! Your life is still very much in front of you - I know those who completed HS and went on to technical 2 years degrees or 4 year colleges. That's up to you.......

It all starts with not drinking and working a plan to stay stopped.

Thanks for the post and glad you joined us!

Soberjoy1

There's lots of good advice above. I understand how you feel-I am dealing with a lot of regret because of my drinking years. It hurts. You are really young and doing great to have two months. That is something to be proud of!

Dropsie

it sounds too simple to be helpful, but if you believe in any kind of HP, we all believe that s/he forgives us, so if we don't forgive ourselves isn't that bit disrespectful. Do we know more than our HP?? Just saying...

bullmas

Luna1231/ Congratulations on your two months also!

Your last 4+years of bad choices, doesn't compare with 4+ decades of bad choices I have racked up!

You are very special person realizing early enough in life what changes need to be made !

Start today Plan ahead , the past is over!

cheers

SoberCAH

Congratulations on your decision to get help and get better.

I learned to forgive myself, in part, by making a lot of personal changes.

Sure, I wish that I had a few years back (18 - 31 come to mind), but I can't get them back.

But I am grateful for the ones I have had since that time and since I got sober.

I think that 23 is a great age to get sober and that you are taking important steps (no pun intended).

You have the rest of your life to be who and what you want.

Keep us posted.

LesPaul1993

Luna,

You are not the sum of your actions though they obviously have created some difficult circumstances.

You may be a high school drop out but you can change that. Take a look at the GED exam samples on line: maybe you actually know enough to challenge them and pass. If not, you could take a course. Many states offer free GED completion courses.

I know a person who in his twenties gained admission to a university as a mature student, used minimal student loans and worked part time/full time, and now many years later has completed two masters degrees and works in a well paying profession.

You can't change the past but you can change the future. Take stock of your situation and resources. Can you begin to patch it up with family for the sake of relationships and not for the sake of what you can get? Are there friends you need to drop? Don't be afraid of losing old friends when what you may need are a new and different set of friends who offer a positive outlook and are striving for positive goals.

May throw in a couple of Bible quotes about friends? Not all Bible verses are preachy and these are common sense: Proverbs 13:3 says "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." 1 Corinthians 15:33 reads "Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

If you are at the point where you are just giving consideration to drug, and or alcohol use, think about quitting as a first step as they will only reinforce a negativistic, downward spiral.

Best of luck to you.

Dee74

Hi Luna

Somewhere in my recovery I accepted my past happened, I took responsibility for it, and then I forgave myself over it.

There's nothing I can do to change whats been but there SO much I can do with today to make a difference in mine and other peoples lives

don't miss out on the days happening right now because you're stuck looking at stuff you cannot change

D

teatreeoil007

I believe there is hope for everyone

Zebra1275

I found that the program of AA helped me deal with the guilt and shame. Now I usually have peace and serenity in my life.

And 23 is such a young age. At 23 I knew I had a problem but I waited another 25 years before I seriously tried to do something about it.