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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XVIII: "New Year, New Moo!"



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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XVIII: "New Year, New Moo!"

Old 02-12-2016, 12:55 PM
  # 421 (permalink)  
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(((Cow))). I think this is why AVRT works for me. You can't make rational of the irrational but you can abort the acting out. Consuming toxic substances to alter your mood is to your detriment, the "good" result is very short-lived and always kicks you into the hole with either rebound depressions or self treating with a dip into toxic liquids.

Maybe it is time go inpatient for a significant period of time. Give your body a good rest. Your brain can't take these continued assaults with toxins. I don't want you to die.

I assume you don't keep caffeine or alcohol in the house. So, you had to go out to fetch them. So you did have time to come here first. And yes, I have done the Zombie Walk to get wine. I know about the arguing and attempts to reason with the addictive voice. Bottom line: I wanted to drink. That was my solution to whatever was on the menu of excuses. For me, it was mostly insomnia. For you, it's relief. But the joke is on us as we didn't get relief! Our bodies suffered and our brain's chemistry got more screwed up.

I wish I could write this better. I think your Poppa should pay for all the expenses involved. I am sure he will. He knows why.

Please, continuing on like this is irrational. And I know to those of us with addictions, stopping them is equally irrational in the moment. So, please try the irrational behavior that's going to be better for you.

Much love from Lenina
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Old 02-12-2016, 01:42 PM
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Dear Cow, have you ever thought of referring to your father by his first name? 'Papa' sounds like a term of endearment which he doesn't deserve. Since you told us your brothers chided you for not being overly enthusiastic about this birthday I've been seething a bit. I know you're very fond of your little brother particularly, but to say that is insensitive, invalidating, and just plain thick is an understatement. I find it hard to see how you can get well when you've got that crap in your life. I really, really want for you to be happier, but like all of us, I love you just the way you are.

Re Valentines day....does nothing for me at all, but spare a thought for Mrs Trump. It would be like making love to a sea elephant in a wig.....shudder.
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Old 02-12-2016, 01:52 PM
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Yes, Walk, I meant "rationally explain irrational behavior."
There may be foundational reasons but being asked to explain? Everything comes up as an irrational excuse/reason. Which can be useful but often isn't. Unless I guess, I was able to get real and express it adequately, "Because it all hurts too much and I am emotionally unable to handle any of it and what do you expect me to do when I can't even put it into words to help you to understand?"
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Old 02-12-2016, 04:38 PM
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Cow, I don't want depression or addiction to take you. I want you to be happy.

As far as your contribution to this world...I would have died without the thought of you. I would have given up. So never doubt your effect.
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Old 02-12-2016, 05:55 PM
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What a beautiful sentiment Trach.
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Old 02-12-2016, 08:21 PM
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Happy impending V-Day, anyway.

I'll just see it as a day to say "You mean something to me", non romantically. Or otherwise I guess as the case may be. Whatever's appropriate.
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Old 02-12-2016, 10:23 PM
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You guys.
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Old 02-13-2016, 01:57 AM
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Cow, Lenina said it. We don't want you to die.

Heck, we don't want to die. If we wanted to die, we would not be here fighting to live.

My uncle drank himself to death. Since I came to SR I've watched two more people drink to death.

Enough. No more.
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Old 02-13-2016, 02:01 AM
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sleepie, you are finally seeing what all of us see: You Are A Titan.
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Old 02-13-2016, 10:14 AM
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My friend 's much loved boyfriend is dying right now. He was in the ICU due to drinking. Spent a few more days in the medical floor of the hospital. He got home and is now laying on the couch sipping alcohol. If that doesn't prove the disease theory, I don't know what does.

I hate this disease, I hate it so much, I don't want it to claim one more of us.

Love from Lenina
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Old 02-13-2016, 12:42 PM
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Lenina,

I am so very sorry for you, your friend, and her boyfriend.

It is such a tragedy. And makes us all feel so helpless.

We love you girl -- what about his pisces moon ??
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Old 02-13-2016, 01:34 PM
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Lenina, seeing it close up in another person is horrific isn't it?
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Old 02-13-2016, 01:57 PM
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Trach, it really is. Especially when you know it doesn't have to be like that. I am grateful I have friends in recovery. Over the years, I've seen people lose jobs, lose their families and lose their lives. This is why I stick around to extend my hand. I was pulled out of pit by fellow addicts and professionals. You never know what is finally going to reach through the addiction. We can and do recover.

Love from Lenina

Dropsie, you mean the Pisces moon now?
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Old 02-13-2016, 04:16 PM
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Cow did ya like your Valentine or what?

Please give sleepie something to feel decent about.

Was the only thing I enjoyed doing in weeks.
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Old 02-13-2016, 05:38 PM
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I think her emotional response to our previous posts included how touched she was by your drawing, sleeps :-)
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Old 02-14-2016, 04:16 AM
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This gig - living- is hard, real hard. You and I and Cow know that. We each have our own stuff, much of which dogs us for years and decades.
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Old 02-14-2016, 10:39 AM
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Sleepies, of course I love all you drawing. And Shabs right, sometime I not feel like talk too much, but I has emotional response to you and everybody kind words and support.

I doing better. My attitude up little bit. Even able to talk to some friends without being big Dairy Downer. Went to nice dinner party last night, was Mexican theme, and we suppose to wear little Mexican costume or accessory or such. Everybody have the sombrero or twisty mustache or serape poncho, and they like "Hey! Where you Mexican accesory, Cow?!" So I pull out large baggie of flour tape up to look like brick of heroin and toss it onto the table. Was big laughs for everybody. I able to keep my humor all night without being force. So that good.

If only I could figure out secret to the elusive decent day. But after decades of trying, I has to surrender that they is no rhymes or reasons. I only can appreciate them when they given and accept that cloud of depressions will blow in again. Thank you for see me through latest storm. I hope I handles it better next time.

~Moo Mwah, my dear box of SR chocolates, you all unique and sweet
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Old 02-14-2016, 02:06 PM
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Ha ha - great, Cow. I can just see it :-) Fantastic you felt in good form all night without forcing it. I totally agree with you about surrendering to the waves of emotion that blow over us. Everything passes, the good and the bad.

I was trying to find that 70's song where each member of the group introduces either themselves as a kind of chocolate or the kind of chocolate they like, as a metaphor for a lover. Anyone remember that? Anyway, on my internet travels I found this old priceless gem. Here's an extract from the lyrics: "Libra. And my name is Charles. Now, I like a woman who's quiet; a woman who carries herself like Miss Universe."

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Old 02-15-2016, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Cow View Post
If only I could figure out secret to the elusive decent day. But after decades of trying, I has to surrender that they is no rhymes or reasons. I only can appreciate them when they given
I deliberately cut off the rest of that sentence, Cow. Call me a PollyOnna (many others have done so), but I really think that's part of the trick. There is not necessarily a discernible reason for things being ok when they are, but appreciating those times carries me a good way toward buffering the rest.

Attitude is a matter of where one places the emphasis or focus, no? Glad to hear you are up a bit. <3
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Old 02-16-2016, 12:04 AM
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Cow, I can't believe this only just occurred to me tonight, but you must listen to this song by the Topp Twins - Jools and Lynda Topp. You may know of them already...they are twins, both gay, and are comediennes and musicians. Anyway, this song 'Calf Club Day' is a real tear jerker/heart breaker. They were brought up on a farm in New Zealand, and in rural areas primary schools had calf club days where you would take your beloved calf to school to show it off. But the song reeks of nostelgia, memories, sadness. I said to Mr TS, my God, you know? I don't think I have any happy memories of my childhood. Then I thought of one. Then I thought, maybe I need to redefine what a 'happy' memory might be. Anyway, I'd love you to listen to this - if you're in the mood for some melancholy......

xxxxx

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