Obladi

Pleased to be at Day 8.

I'm only the slightest bit sorry (almost not at all) to have missed ringing in the new year. It was better to decide to let go of the discomfort and sleep.

Woke with a bit of a headache which seems to be dissipating quickly. Nothing hurts - I think it's important to note this because I went for the better part of the year with plenty of booze-induced pain and/or nausea.

Not sure about mental state yet; too early. Mainly just glad it's morning and I didn't drink.

Hawkeye13

Sometimes that's a pretty big victory

Congrats on bringing in the New Year sober Obla

Obladi

Hawkeye,

Thank you for pointing that out. My former therapist (another story for some other day) noted something I long knew to be true but had never articulated: If I can't/don't do something extremely well, then I don't want to do it.

But I did do last night extremely well, didn't I? I noticed what was going on, I posted it here, I joined the December class and (most importantly, perhaps) handed the keys over to my daughter.

I think my inner critic/skeptic/av/whathaveyou is scoffing at this. "Look at how desperate you were that you even got yourself in that state."

I've never been good at sloughing off derision of any kind. My response in personal life has been to avoid that type of situation altogether. In work life it's been to be So Freakin Awesome that any accusation of wrong-doing or less-than-good-doing would be insanely groundless because I am So Freakin Awesome at What I Do and everyone knows it.

A bit extreme in both directions, I'm thinking.

So let's have this be my practice zone. Not practice at succeeding or not, but practice at realizing that sometimes just showing up can qualify for Awesome. I can say that. I can even believe it for the next guy. But internalizing it for myself is going to be a trick.

I am open for ideas because I'm clueless as to how to transform "eh, it was good enough" into "Great Job, Obi!" (Without adding chocolate sauce or sprinklers or confetti)

Obladi

Middle daughter got me a jigsaw puzzle I don't like - oh well, trying it anyhow. I think it's defective as the top and bottom don't match in length. *uhhhh*

"Younger daughter, will you please finish up the laundry today?"
"What laundry?"
"The laundry we argued about you doing yesterday that's still in the washer."
{silence}
Several hours go by - I've put it in the dryer now and will likely be folding it as well.

With my daughter's help, I sure am getting a lot done around the house!

Obladi

The muse is failing me this evening - perhaps because I forgot to eat. I think I'll do that.

Anyhow, not drinking and virtually no cravings today, so that's a blessing.

Obladi

I woke this morning to realize it's Saturday! A whole nuther day of not going to work! I'd forgotten that glorious feeling of the extra day in a three-day weekend! Previously, I'd be glad (which became something more like "resigned" or "obliged") to continue on with the all-day weekend drinking. Not today, no sirree. I tripped down to my middle daughter's basement and hopped on her bed to wish her a good morning,

She said, "Have you been drinking?"
Justifiable response. I simply laughed and said "No, I'll let you sleep as long as you like, Let's go to the store later, ok?" Ok.

Youngest daughter got to hang out with the young adults yesterday as middle sister's friends are starting to have some overlap with younger sister. I'm glad for that because youngest has always felt left out.

I dried and folded the last load of laundry and left youngest daughter's outside of her room in a basket and there it still sits.

Her assignment today is to clean the front closet. I've been wanting to take care of that for a long time and I think I'm up to the chore when she doesn't do it, as expected.

Perhaps you all think I'm a bad mom. I'm not, I swear. The battles I've had with this child over personal responsibility, cleanliness and communal living have been epic and have been running for well over a decade now. Have withheld allowance, grounded, revoked access to her cell phone, revoked access to all internet access, bargained, pleaded, tried to reason, cajoled, modeled, tried to form a partnership (not necessarily in that order) and it has only made a modicum of difference. That being her apology the other day and her half-cleaning the bathroom.

Anyhow, skip the youngest daughter cleaning battles if it bores you to tears as I think it may. It's just good for me to write about it to 1) keep at this consistently with her because I know part of my failure has been to just get frustrated and give up. This certainly relates to the way I've handled quitting drinking in the past and I think they are related in that I need to retrain my brain. And 2) It helps me to keep a (somewhat more) even keel about the whole thing.

Dog is yelling at me for a walk.
I've got more so I'll be back.

Obladi

Ok, so as I said, my middle daughter had friends over last night. I was glad for her because she has been through an extremely difficult journey of her own over the course of the past month. I knew there would be drinking, but she is a very responsible hostess: she does not drink when friends are over in case any of them need to be driven home. I don't hang out with them (I've never been that kind of mom), so that was no issue.

Once I was fully awake this morning, I thought about these things and that there may still be alcohol in the house. None apparent in her room. Check. One Smirnoff Ice in the fridge. Uhhhhhmmmmm - that looks pretty good. But one wouldn't do anything for me anyhow except whet my appetite. Quick took it down to her room and said "this was in the fridge and I need you to keep custody." Check.

I think I'm learning to internalize the basic premise of AVRT. Any thought that leads to drinking is the addictive voice. At some point, I will presumably always be able to just "leave the keys on the table," but for today I don't mind in the least that there will be other times that I need to hand them over for safekeeping.
She still has my car keys, which is fine. But her keys are on the dining room table. So far, not an issue for me. If it becomes an issue, I will wake the kid yet one more time to have her take custody of those as well.

Obladi

Also, kittens and puzzles don't mix.
Well, the kittens mix up the puzzle, but you know what I mean.

Soberwolf

Keep up the good work Obladi

Obladi

Thanks, Wolfman

Obladi

Right this very moment, wondering if it matters at all. Must I be in dramatic need of intervention to incite or garner a discussion?

It matters to me of course, in the context of my girls. Just wondering if a human person beyond my progeny will ever give a flying hoot.

Perhaps I'm just being selfish. Perhaps I should be glad that some several hundred or several dozen people seem to care to read along but not choose to participate/comment.

This is a lonely business, it is.

Anyhow, onward and upward ho. It's my fight and I choose to win it,

(AV loves round numbers - 10 being next.)

Dee74

I'm not sure what you mean here. I know my recovery is more important to me than it is to anyone else, but I think that's how it should be?

In respect to someone else giving two hoots about me, I had to give two hoots about myself first.

You have to give out the right vibes to attract like souls

D

Obladi

Thought I was putting out pretty great vibes.
?

BixBees505

I'm a little confused, too, Obladi. Your thread seemed more of the "sober journal" variety. I don't think it was obvious you were looking for a lot of feedback. You sound as if you are having a pretty good time so far. Dealing with issues and concerns, engaging with your daughters sober...and staying sober! Pretty darned good stuff.

BixBees505

Pretty great waking up sober, isn't it?? I think I can get used to it!

Obladi

It is a sober journal, guys. I was just feeling maudlin.

You're right Bix, it is most awesome waking up sober, not to mention seeing the changes in me and my household.

Underlying issues are bound to pop up, so this will need to be accounted for in the plan.
Like, if I feel I need feedback/help, I should specifically ask in a separate thread. Or phone someone who loves me.

Seems simple enough, but that was crazy hard to write.

Dee74

I think we're at cross purposes

when you said 'just wondering if a human person beyond my progeny will ever give a flying hoot', I didn't know if you meant a flying hoot about your recovery, or a flying hoot about you, or both.

I can't possibly know what kind of vibe you put out in real life, Ob... but as a general observation I believe if we give a hoot about ourselves, other people will too.

No criticism of you or your vibe, implied or otherwise

D

Obladi

Not sure how we could be at cross purposes, Dee. You only seem to seek truth and healing. I'm on board with that, but still evolving.

I meant me, in general. In real life, I'm much more reserved. Unfortunately when I am "myself" in real life, I tend to attract exactly the wrong kind of person. Or maybe more accurately, am attracted to the wrong kind.

*sigh*

This is really uncomfortable.

Dee74

Based on my timetable all this is a few steps and maybe a few months ahead Obladi.

The not drinking part was effort enough for me for a month or two

get that down, then you'll be in a much better place to look at all the other stuff

D

Obladi

Months, Dee?
Jeez, the Hours are excruciating.

But ok.

Let's resume the previously scheduled sobriety program and deal with the balance in Season II or III