Obladi

Overall, it was pretty good, Hevyn. The best part was that I went to a play that my daughter participated in. Not only was it well done, but it felt good that I went because I truly wanted to be there. Sometimes in the past, I've gone to here events solely out of obligation but wishing to be somewhere else/not there. That was a good thing.

I think perhaps Thursdays are particularly taxing lately because I just get to a point of being done with nonsense. Some of my customers (like everyone's, I presume) are just so petty and ready to bring out their pitchforks at a moment's notice. I understand that they take their jobs seriously, but so do I. We all work in health care and we are all here to take care of the patients, but some people make it seem like we are on opposing teams and I just don't get that. Who would think that I was maliciously trying to do a poor job or be willing to do less than the best I can? Who in the health care profession would do that? But that's how it seems sometimes.

Too much information?
Thanks for asking. I really appreciate you and glad you hang around this place.

Hevyn

Certainly not too much information.

I think people in general are more on the defensive & combative lately. Or maybe I'm just more aware of it than I use to be when 'numb'.

Obladi

32. It's my one month soberversary as January 11th is the last time I took a drink.

Have to get to the lab first thing this morning - one needs testing four weeks after commencing Antabuse to make sure the old liver is fine. That's some kind of irony, isn't it?

After that, physical. This is the first in over five years. Those labs were drawn two weeks ago and I didn't get a call from the physician, so I'm thinking I may hear bad news but nothing devastating. Surely, I'd get a special interim call for devastating? Anyhow, you may now congratulate me for going to the doctor rather than cancelling the appointment because something more pressing came up. Lookit me acting all grown-up.

Alright, off to the shower!

Soberwolf

Congratulations on 1 month sober O

Dropsie

Glad you are going.

My liver was not happy with antabuse so good to check it out. Ironic right.

Love these grown up pants part of the time, others they don't seem to fit right.

Dee74

congrats on your month Obladi

D

Hevyn

Proud of you, Obladi - you are doing this thing.

fini

i'll happily congratulate you on going to the doctor, Obladi!!!! congratulations!!!!


oh, yeah, then there is that little matter of a whole entire full sober month, too....

Obladi

I was at the doctor's office for an hour before I saw her for the first time. She didn't have lab results for some reason and said I could wait or she could call me. I opted for the call, which did not come. She did not ask me about drinking, nor about why I stopped taking the Klonopin. I'm thinking maybe I should switch physicians. Seems like when I finally decide to pay attention to my health, my doctor should be paying attention too.

Dragged myself through the work day and was once again exhausted by the time I got to group. I was asked if my internal motivation was getting any better than when we discussed it before. Wasn't that just a few days ago?? Anyhow, I said I didn't really think it mattered and don't see that the line between the two. Driving home I thought about it differently, though. I think that I do and always have had the internal motivation, but I've been saying that I don't because it didn't work. What worked was having my daughter kick me in the ass. But I guess that doesn't negate the fact that I have wanted to get control of myself for years. Hm.

Obladi

Oh, the phlebotomist was a fine start to my day. When she "greeted" me at the window, she instructed me to come around to her side in the most patronizing voice. Like I was some degenerate idiot or something.

On her side of the wall, she couldn't figure out what test the doctor meant to run. I told her it was for liver function because I was on Antabuse. That didn't help, so she phoned a friend. Meanwhile, I checked Dr Google and found that though the doctor had written GCT, he likely meant GGT. The phone a friend concurred that this was likely the correct test.

Back to the draw station. She deliberated about my right arm, then dug a needle around for a minute looking for a vein. No dice and no apology. So we did the left arm instead. I'll be ok if I don't ever need to go back there. It wasn't traumatizing for me, but I can see how it might be pretty demoralizing for someone else (like one of my girls) to have this experience. There's just no excuse for that.

SoberinSyracuse

They're still on that, I suppose?

Hmmm.... You know, I have no trouble stating that I quit for ME. But the loss of a love due to drinking was one of the catalysts. His mean-spirited statements confirmed the things I'd been suspecting for a while -- that my drinking was out of control. So, I didn't quit for him, but his cutting words gave a bit of credence to a problem I was still trying to "manage."

I think their concern about the internal/external motivation is a little bit academic. The point is, you're here and you're doing it. Besides...how can a philosophy which would allow you to appoint something like a piece of quartz as your Higher Power take issue with the source of your motivation? (That's meant in jest... Politically incorrect jest.)

Soberwolf

Have a nice day O

Obladi

Thanks, Sis. I agree with you. Way back in the day when I was dating, one of the men I'd just met characterized me as inscrutable. I rather think this is what my counselors are dealing with right now. If I'm not talking (or maybe sometimes even if I am), they're not quite sure what to do with me. So perhaps this question of motivation is the only one this woman could think of, as it's the last thing she remembers that I talked about. I don't know. I can do the academic argument; though it's not helpful, it passes the time.

It's all good. I'm not exactly living out a sentence here. I put myself in treatment and I'm the one who continues to show up and play by the rules. So I'm not really feeling critical in a negative way about this process; I'm just doing that "observing" thing I do. It feels healthy, though I guess it might look like resistance or contrariness to some. As long as I avoid the trap of being too clever for my own good, I think it's alright.

Hawkeye13

Congrats on your month and a day Obla--
It does sound like you could find a better doctor and needle-sticker than you have.
Maybe ask around at work to find out if anyone really likes their doctor?

Obladi

p.s. Excellent parting shot, Sis. And dead on.

Thanks Soberwolf. I hope your day was a good one and the next is even better.

More later to be sure.

SobrieTee

A little late, but congrats on the month, O!

Sucks about your doctor... I vote for finding a new one. It took me forever to find the right doctor. Mine were all over the spectrum for a bit, from "you know alcohol is bad for you <gives me the judgey eyes then walks away because I am beyond help and not worthy of care>" to "you're probably fine, just don't have more than one or two drinks at a time anymore" to FINALLY someone understanding and helping in a respectful but stern manner.

Have a great weekend, and stay warm! It's negative 8 where I am, and probably similar in your neck of the woods.

fini

Anyhow, I said I didn't really think it mattered and don't see that the line between the two. Driving home I thought about it differently, though. I think that I do and always have had the internal motivation, but I've been saying that I don't because it didn't work. What worked was having my daughter kick me in the ass.

interesting observation and distinction.

i'm thinking it does matter, and bigtime. because the external kick in the ass motivation is a more temporary motivator. or can be, anyway. when the heat's off, so to speak, that source of motivation is weaker.

so i can see why the counselor would ask, and ask repeatedly.

and i'm glad to hear you do have the internal.

Obladi

Agreed, fini.

I think I've been selling myself short by saying I don't have internal motivation. Like a human, I forget. Forget the desperate every day all day long yearning/hope/wish/action to get out of the stew I was in. The kick in my behind was the catalyst to do something more, but wasn't actually motivation to stop. I've had that for a long time.

Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, I always had what I've been wishing for in my own back yard. And I ought to give myself credit for that.

Wow, cool.

33; don't mess with me.

SoberinSyracuse

Thirty-three indeed! :-)

You're kicking butt and taking names with this. I admire how you've dug into this program and are working it for every shred of value it can give you!

Obladi

34; need I say more?

Will likely do so later. Dog first