Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XVI: "Last Call"
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Cow,
possibly you don't recognize sincerity and caring when you run smack into it.
when it's thrown all over you like a fuzzy blanket.
the way RR threw his sincere caring and caring sincerity all over you and so many of us here.
yes.
there are people capable of being truly sincere.
quite a lot on SR, in fact.
i see them here every day.
possibly you don't recognize sincerity and caring when you run smack into it.
when it's thrown all over you like a fuzzy blanket.
the way RR threw his sincere caring and caring sincerity all over you and so many of us here.
yes.
there are people capable of being truly sincere.
quite a lot on SR, in fact.
i see them here every day.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Maybe. But I wanted so much, so much, to be better and sober for Robot, before he pass. Is just like with my neighbor who was like my second mamma, and she was ex-alcoholic, and take me into her fold. But still, I not able to get sober before she pass. I was drunk last time I see her. I cried into her hand, cuz she not remember me, and this was killing me, and I thinking only of my self. But my pain rouse her, and she suddenly say "oh dear girl, I know you." Yes, she come out of her dying to comfort me. She interrupt her freaking dying to comfort me ... ... 
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
[FONT="Courier New"]
OMG! Stop! You are making me cry and I never do that!
Yes. Agree. I believe all that you said too. The two things are both true at the same time. Although it makes no sense and logically can not both be true.
Like the savage men who spared neither women nor children in war. But when their opponents were starving, took pity on them and fed them. Only to later be slaughtered mercilessly by their opponents once the famine was over.
I am doing ok Cow. Thanks for asking. I am sober. Have been taking the pill.
Interesting thing happened. We are having family for the holiday. I told my lovely wife, it really bothers me when "x" comes to visit and the two of you drink and I am sober. She say's, we won't do that this time. Promise. Maybe a glass at dinner on Thursday but otherwise we will support you in your quest for sobriety.
I get home from work last night, x had arrived while I was at work. X and my wife are at the kitchen table drinking.
I'm like, Seriously!!! I'm quitting the pill today and I will be drinking by this time next week! Ugh.
Then I realize, I'm not quitting bc my wife wants me to and supports me in this. I'm getting sober bc I want to. For me. For selfish reasons. At least 51% of me wants to. And bc it takes so freaking long for the pill to wear off, by the time I can drink, my reason for wanting to drink today, will be long past.
Originally Posted by Cow 
But my pain rouse her, and she suddenly say "oh dear girl, I know you." Yes, she come out of her dying to comfort me. She interrupt her freaking dying to comfort me ... ...
OMG! Stop! You are making me cry and I never do that!
Originally Posted by Cow
[SIZE="3"][COLOR="Purple"]What can I say, I am complex cow, Walk. 
Listen, I does believe all that I said. But I trying to get to place where I can open to thought that it ALSO possible that they is such a thing as caring. It not has to be "every man for his self" or "bubbles and cakes with rainbow sprinkle." Maybe we can be both selfish son of bitches but also care about stuff.
Listen, I does believe all that I said. But I trying to get to place where I can open to thought that it ALSO possible that they is such a thing as caring. It not has to be "every man for his self" or "bubbles and cakes with rainbow sprinkle." Maybe we can be both selfish son of bitches but also care about stuff.
Yes. Agree. I believe all that you said too. The two things are both true at the same time. Although it makes no sense and logically can not both be true.
Like the savage men who spared neither women nor children in war. But when their opponents were starving, took pity on them and fed them. Only to later be slaughtered mercilessly by their opponents once the famine was over.
I am doing ok Cow. Thanks for asking. I am sober. Have been taking the pill.
Interesting thing happened. We are having family for the holiday. I told my lovely wife, it really bothers me when "x" comes to visit and the two of you drink and I am sober. She say's, we won't do that this time. Promise. Maybe a glass at dinner on Thursday but otherwise we will support you in your quest for sobriety.
I get home from work last night, x had arrived while I was at work. X and my wife are at the kitchen table drinking.
I'm like, Seriously!!! I'm quitting the pill today and I will be drinking by this time next week! Ugh.
Then I realize, I'm not quitting bc my wife wants me to and supports me in this. I'm getting sober bc I want to. For me. For selfish reasons. At least 51% of me wants to. And bc it takes so freaking long for the pill to wear off, by the time I can drink, my reason for wanting to drink today, will be long past.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Good for you, walk. That's the spirit and the way you will get this sober thing done :-)
Hey Cow, I googled thanksgiving. I sometimes wondered what you guys were so thankful about :-) Seems to me from the little I read there is some confusion or an amalgamation of things: history that is relevant to the American Indians, and Lincoln declaring thanksgiving due to the sacrifice entailed to abolish slavery.
If I was a non-American Indian I would be leaning entirely on the latter - that really is something to be proud of. God, he was such an amazing man - Lincoln. He had severe depression and his wife was bipolar too (no good meds in those days), and they lost a child. I know you all know this - I just find it inspiring. All that to contend with and such integrity and courage, and then some loony tune pops him off when things are finally looking up. He's right up there among the most beautiful souls that have walked the earth, I reckon.
I agree with Sleeps - they were glad just to have known you. You have enough to contend with without worrying about letting other people down xx
I personally believe that we are both body and spirit. The old 'spiritual beings having a human experience' thing. For me, this explains why we can be both selfish a-holes and loving beings.
Hey Cow, I googled thanksgiving. I sometimes wondered what you guys were so thankful about :-) Seems to me from the little I read there is some confusion or an amalgamation of things: history that is relevant to the American Indians, and Lincoln declaring thanksgiving due to the sacrifice entailed to abolish slavery.
If I was a non-American Indian I would be leaning entirely on the latter - that really is something to be proud of. God, he was such an amazing man - Lincoln. He had severe depression and his wife was bipolar too (no good meds in those days), and they lost a child. I know you all know this - I just find it inspiring. All that to contend with and such integrity and courage, and then some loony tune pops him off when things are finally looking up. He's right up there among the most beautiful souls that have walked the earth, I reckon.
I agree with Sleeps - they were glad just to have known you. You have enough to contend with without worrying about letting other people down xx
I personally believe that we are both body and spirit. The old 'spiritual beings having a human experience' thing. For me, this explains why we can be both selfish a-holes and loving beings.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
okay, Cow.
you have at the very least experiences there of two people's sincerity and caring.
why you persist in questioning whether people are capable of it, or if anyone does, is...uh...self sabotage??
dunno...might be something to take to the therapist.
i'm no stranger to having evidence of the veracity of something and then going into total dismissal or doubt about it.
screwy minds.
instead of crying over what you couldn't do "for" neighbour and RR as far as sobriety, how about refocus on wow! someone cared. sincerely, authentically, was present for you. with you. real. genuine. about you.
count your blessings always sounded sooo stupid and facile to me, that whole gratitude-schmuck-stuff, but boy does it ever help readjust the perspective!
you have at the very least experiences there of two people's sincerity and caring.
why you persist in questioning whether people are capable of it, or if anyone does, is...uh...self sabotage??
dunno...might be something to take to the therapist.
i'm no stranger to having evidence of the veracity of something and then going into total dismissal or doubt about it.
screwy minds.
instead of crying over what you couldn't do "for" neighbour and RR as far as sobriety, how about refocus on wow! someone cared. sincerely, authentically, was present for you. with you. real. genuine. about you.
count your blessings always sounded sooo stupid and facile to me, that whole gratitude-schmuck-stuff, but boy does it ever help readjust the perspective!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 346
Cow, I love your honesty, humor and your illusiveness (not a wrd sez spllchk). ... Just sayin... I'm rootin for ya And glad to See a person much like myself (that i can't see Dangit/thankfulness) doing better. 'Tis all we can yearn for. You have my blessing and I'm not even a god.(or a dammit for that matter)
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi Chuckleheads, well, Thanksgiving was, um, there. My friend make super amazing Martha Steward level meal and decoration that she work all day long for, and everybody have good time, excepting for sullen Borg Zombie Cow.
I thought at least I could put sad-clown, wise-ass persona on and keep everybody laughing, but I only able to get it up for couple hours and then I just become a stone staring into the firepit. And then ...dun dun dun... is start the dreaded, god awful, humiliating interrogations, which are meant to be thoughtful, but they only fuel the black void: "Is something wrong? What up with you? You so quiet tonight. You hardly saying a word! Why you so quiet tonight? I never seen you so quiet?!" HOW BOUT SHUT THE FUNK UP ABOUT HOW MOTHERFUNKING QUIET I IS! THERE DID YOU HEAR THAT??!!
Sorry. So anyways, I could no wait to leave and get home to the Cow Cave Fortress of Solitude, where I can silently stares into space for hour on end with impunity.
In other news, I starting LDN today. God know my brain has not tolerate any psyche drug, but I desperate and try to be hopeful it maybe help resensitize endophin receptors, even just little bit. I starting at infintesimal dose and working up. Just warning you, in case I flips out and/or have nervous breakdown ...but then... you probable not even notice, cuz I does that every other day anyways! And I does thank you all for you ongoing understandings with (as fini put it aptly and succintly) my "screwy mind."
~Moo Mwah my dears, is nice to check in and see familiar faces, and also some new folk, welcome zbob.
I thought at least I could put sad-clown, wise-ass persona on and keep everybody laughing, but I only able to get it up for couple hours and then I just become a stone staring into the firepit. And then ...dun dun dun... is start the dreaded, god awful, humiliating interrogations, which are meant to be thoughtful, but they only fuel the black void: "Is something wrong? What up with you? You so quiet tonight. You hardly saying a word! Why you so quiet tonight? I never seen you so quiet?!" HOW BOUT SHUT THE FUNK UP ABOUT HOW MOTHERFUNKING QUIET I IS! THERE DID YOU HEAR THAT??!!
Sorry. So anyways, I could no wait to leave and get home to the Cow Cave Fortress of Solitude, where I can silently stares into space for hour on end with impunity.
In other news, I starting LDN today. God know my brain has not tolerate any psyche drug, but I desperate and try to be hopeful it maybe help resensitize endophin receptors, even just little bit. I starting at infintesimal dose and working up. Just warning you, in case I flips out and/or have nervous breakdown ...but then... you probable not even notice, cuz I does that every other day anyways! And I does thank you all for you ongoing understandings with (as fini put it aptly and succintly) my "screwy mind."
~Moo Mwah my dears, is nice to check in and see familiar faces, and also some new folk, welcome zbob.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Cow, hoping new drug helps. I always have to start on the tiniest amounts and. Slowly work up.
Holidays are always difficult for many of us. Memories competely with today. I had a good enough time, with fiends, not family. I was able to keep persona up. We laughed a lot. Great food. Couldn't wait to get home to isolate,
Love to all from Lenina
Holidays are always difficult for many of us. Memories competely with today. I had a good enough time, with fiends, not family. I was able to keep persona up. We laughed a lot. Great food. Couldn't wait to get home to isolate,
Love to all from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
At least did you eat some fantastic food cow?
I went to a restaurant with the bf's family.. Had 3 hours of sleep looked and felt awful. Was sweating and nervous. Food was good. Looks like the days of sleeping semi normally are gone for now...
I went to a restaurant with the bf's family.. Had 3 hours of sleep looked and felt awful. Was sweating and nervous. Food was good. Looks like the days of sleeping semi normally are gone for now...
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