zjw

I'm struggling some with some folks who need help. I got my mother and her husband visiting. there health is deplorable. I've struggled for years with my mother. the story is basicly all the same and I cant dig her out of a pit again. She has to dig herself out. But its really hard to sit around and watch and bite my tongue and well not allow the negative vibes to ge to me. Just being in her presnese can suck the life out of me. Its hard to see someone ruin themselves.

I have another friend with some issues drinking asking for help coping with issues but no interest in stopping the drinking or drugging. talking of suicide as usual etc.. I totally get where he's comign from having been there done that I get it. But if doesnt want to make an effort to improve his situation what can i do other then offer out a listening ear and some words of advice.

At the same time these people have been there for me before. Heck I'm sure they saw me ruin myself wondering if i'd ever stop and cleanup my act etc.. So I hate not being compationate. I hate not being helpful.

But with my mom espeically i feel as if its pretty draining like there is just only so much i can do. Even doing nothing is draining at this point. Just watching things from afar is painful and a struggle to see. But what can I do?

I guess maybe I should put my head back in the sand.

I got one more week here of my moms visit. It should be interesting.

How do others deal with people they care about but that cant seem to get there act together. I know its nice ot be supportive and helpful. But at some point it can be really draining on the person giving out the support.

I want to think I'm suppost to just keep charging forward and take breaks as needed i guess? I dunno.

I'm sure others have had expierience in this area. I'm curious what to do and yet not have it suck the life out of me. Yet still be careing and considerate at least.

ScottFromWI

There is only so much you can do as you say ZJW. And you aren't "sticking your head in the sand" by backing away. Taking care of yourself is just as important in case you ARE needed to help in any way. That could mean self help like reading, exercise, mindfulness, yoga, etc or external help like therapy or group work.

Bottom line it's kind of like changing the past.....and you'll only make yourself sick/tired trying to do so.

zjw

yeah for days now i've felt as if i've put the blinders on about whats up. its just hard to watch people destory themselves maybe this is my payback for making others watch me destroy myself for all those years. i feel so intolerant too becuase others tolerated so much from me but yet here i am healthy and happy going ugg these folks are draining me i need a break etc.. I feel bad. But I just dont have it in me and its not my fight to fight.

my one buddy was talking to me rambling on about how terrible his life is while he's drunk etc.. i've hinted a few times to him that perhaps he should seek help for his drinking and drugging. While I feel his problem never went as far as mine did I think he plays with fire a lot if you know what i mean. But just today now he says he doesnt want any self help etc.. just wants this toher stuff fixed and i'm like umm yeah kinda doesnt work that way but i know its like impossible for me to make him see it.

I guess all i can do is be there for these people as i can.

its tough when its so close to home i guess. and like with my mom this story has been the same for 35 years or more. i'm like is there any sense in tryng to help? but i do hope one day things will stick one day she'll turn things around for herself but right now the outlook just seems so bleek and the futher she heads down this road making bad choices the worse it gets and the harder it will be for her to turn things around. but what can i do? what will i say at her funeral? here lies someone that sadly never got it? *sigh* its tragic really. but these are not my lives to live i guess.

zjw

the past few days its like they are so draining i'm like ugg i dont even wanna go for a run. but then i look at them and i'm like good god I better go for a run *sigh*. today I went for a run just to escape there insanity for a while it was very needed.

I just dont want there nonsense to knock me down i guess. I know if i get knocked down its just too scary trying to get back up sometimes.

happybeingme

You may want to consider in the future not having your parents visit for such a long time. Or maybe have them stay at a hotel or have them rent a place from airbnb.

Your friend you may need to say " I really care about you but cannot sit helplessly aside. Therefore I can't listen anymore when you start complaining. Or say when your ready to quit I will be there. Until then this topic is off limits. Or the next time he threatens suicide tell him you love him so much you are calling 911 because you can't help but they can"

Caring for people is hard work and to do it well we must take excellent care of ourselves first or we are useless to everyone. Don't forget we also had friends and family forums here and an adult children one as well. Even if you don't participate they have awesome sticky threads.

zjw

yeah my mom said she was coming rattled off some dates that sounded ok but then when she made the reservations she tacked on like 5 more days. my wife about blew a gasket upon hearing it but i do not do very well athandling such things without coming off as offensive. I ususally allow my wife to handle it but she would also tell them not to come at all they drive her far more nuts then me even.

a hotel is a great idea but they cant afford it etc.. and i hate to make family stay in a hotel. but tolerating this is hard too it owuldnt matter if they where in a hotel. they over stay there welcome the'd be leaving for the hotel at some ungodly hour wiht my luck etc...

Cascabel

My mother was an alcoholic. She lived with us for several months when she moved to Arizona and was waiting for her house to be finished. I was a teetotaler at the time as was my wife. My mother would drink every night until she passed out; sometimes in her room, sometimes on the couch. We would then have to basically carry her to her bed.

I talked with her a few times about cutting back. Every time she would get extremely angry, tell me it was none of my business and that the only person she was hurting, if anyone, was herself. After a few tries I got the message and just let her choose her own poison. It was hard for me because before she took up the drink she was a great mom. She finally died of issues related to alcohol.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I remember her more as a drunken lump than I do as a great mom. One of the reasons I quit was that I don't want to be remembered that way.

If someone doesn't want to quit, there is not a durn thing you can do about it. You can't quit for them.

Che

Sad

Holds1325

My birth-mother had lots of health issues and one was alcohol. Before she passed she was on a ton of medication and was walking with a cane. The year before she passed away I asked her to come live with me and to get away from all the things she was around. I never knew her that well to begin with but I thought perhaps I can at least help her.

She made up a ton of excuses not to go with me and I realized that there's nothing much I can do. But I tried several times. When she passed it hurt but that was years ago. I've gotten over it since then.

I think at times we can only do whats in our capacity and then let other things go. I still wonder if I could've done something more for my mother and she might be alive. Then again it wouldn't have mattered, some people are so set in their ways.

juppe

Alcohol is so evil! Are they currently causing problems in the house because of their drinking? I suppose you could state that your house is a dry-house and that no alcohol is allowed. Period. Or would they sneak some in and secretly drink? I too have had problems with my parents drinking in the past. My mom's sister has completely disowned her because of how she behaved when we went to visit her almost 10 years ago. It's pretty tough for me as I get along well with my aunt. Thankfully, my parents (and I) have snapped out of it and quit drinking together.

The damage has already been done though and I don't think our family will ever reconcile. I hope you can get through to your mom before it's too late

bullmas

zjw
I found that in trying to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves is futile .

Cheers

zjw

yeah thats where i'm at. I tried so many times over the years. bailed my mother out cleaned up her messy house etc.. Its not drinking for her shes just incredibly depressed and resides in a pit that she cannot seem to climb out of. you can pull her out and she promptly jumps back in.

there is not much i can do. She reminds me of the alcoholic whos case is different the one who thinks there circumstances are some how special or different and no one understands that and thats why they have to remain in there pit etc.. its a very simlier issue minus the drinking.

But regardless its painful to see it all play out. she'll probably return today after visiting her parents. The other day her husband took a shower didnt close the curtain all the way it leaked water on the floor then down to the ceiling below luckily it already had some water stains from when my kids made that mistake once. I cant get mad its actually really easy to make that mistake but its discouraging. Then we found blood all over the sheets. I think her husband has some kind of rash going on? i'm not really sure so my wife about blew a gasket. I'm like try and have some compasion but I get it. then a blood splotch on the bathroom floor. Its like gosh you guys your health is just terrible! we cleaned it all up but I've been told I might want to mention this so theres no further messes .... So i have to have this discussion now when they return.

I swear 60 is the new 95 with my side of the family. and its like the embrace it. Like woohoo can we get some caretakers yet? ::facepalm::

DoubleDragons

My mom is an active alcoholic and the only good of the situation is that it made me look at my own issues with alcohol and I haven't had a drink in over two years. I have come to learn that I am highly codependent, which I am willing to bet that a lot of alcoholics have problems in this arena. Every day, I repeat the third step prayer to myself which basically puts myself and my day into my Higher Power's control. If I find myself obsessing about someone else and their lives, needs, wants, problems, etc., I use this as an alarm clock to get back in step with my faith that God has the best plan, so let Him handle it. Try reading some of Melodie Beatty's teachings and a book that was recently recommended on the F and Fs forum that I absolutely love is called Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment by Karen Casey. It brought me peace from almost the instant of starting to read it.

Bird615

One thing I've had to learn the hard way is that I can't fix other people, as painful as that is.

My mom went through a period of heavy drinking and she would phone me drunk. I had to tell her as kindly as I could that I would be happy to talk to her when she was sober, but was going to hang up now and I'd hang up the phone. I felt bad doing it, but I would have felt even worse sitting there and listening to her.

Over the years I had to learn how not to enable other people's self-destructive behaviours and to take care of myself in a healthy way. It was hard to do, but better than letting it drag me down with them. I now only offer suggestions once or twice if at all and leave it at that. What they do with that is up to them.

You have the right to set boundaries for yourself and your family, but I can't think of any easy way to do that. All I could suggest is do what you need to do as kindly as possible. There's some good suggestions here, but at the same time I understand how difficult this kind of situation is. Sometimes in taking care of ourselves, people are going to be hurt and will try to make us feel guilty, no matter how lovingly we try to do it.

zjw

house guests still havent left yet. they went ot see family and where suppose to be back yest. i hear nothing. i text oh we will be home tommorrow. i wait around all day i took time off of work even to be with them nothing i text umm you gonna be home for dinner? oh we are 2 hours away what time is dinner. forget it then. This after my mom played helpless about how to get to places show me give me directions booohoo i'm so helpless i'm scared to drive your car boohoo. she manages to drive all over the state with no help...? then the other morning it was a boohoo fest about how she wasnt gonna get to see the kids much and perhaps she should cut these other trips short so she can spend more time here with the grand kids her husband was all coddling her while she cried at the table i was like good god what now! all she does is drain the life out of everyone etc...

So i dunno if i should be happy she was gone for so long this week cuase its acutally been kinda nice even the kids where getting tired of em. Or if i should be mad about her being inconsiderate and not telling me sooner she wouldnt be home or what not.

Just caught myself now thinking good god I need a drink! i'd go for a walk but i got pizzas coming for the kids and i gotta get the door and pay the tip etc.. *sigh* maybe i'll take a shower after the pizza gets here.

i hate how some family members you just cant wait for them to leave. it shouldnt be this way shes my mother for christ sake i shoudlnt feel this way about her *sigh*.