Berrybean

My OH is away for the weekend, and I knew loneliness would be a bit of a trigger, and now here I am feeling restless, irritable and discontent.

I had all good plans of getting some fun things organised but was ill last weekend and the beginning of last week, and the rest of the week was just getting back in the swing of my routine. SO, went to a lunchtime meeting in neighbouring city, which was (unusually for me) really disheartening. Very little talk of the program, just general griping about stuff, and no willingness being shown from anyone to work the programme of recovery. Lots of 'I like to feel angry, it motivates me...' and 'If my ex would do this , then I would be happy...' and 'my sponsor told me to do this, but that's not how I do things...' . People using mobile phones to text while others shared. Blah blah blah.

Got home and texted my old friend who I'd vaguely mentioned to about going out but of course I've not been proactive about confirming all that. Anyway - she called me back from the pub, where she's been all afternoon "but I'm not pissed..." yeah yeah. (She is. Pissed enough to make it pointless anyway. She doesn't get that though.) Ohhhh well.

Anyway - one reason for this wingeing, whining post of mine is to remind myself that I need to be more bloody organised in future.

Have contacted a couple of other people but they're busy busy now - because I left it til last minute to suggest anything.

But, remembering that I can turn my day around any time I choose, I have made the decision that in a minute I'll decide on some yummy dinner, call my lovely mum (who I have a lovely relationship with now I'm sober) and then choose a film to watch online and get settled in for the evening in cosy PJs and snuggle with my little old cat (who is now in her 20's).

Rather than dwelling in this self-pity stop I choose an attitude of gratitude for all that is good in my life today.

Beccybean 1: AV nil

trachemys

If anyone deserves a "congrats" today, guess what? It's you.

biminiblue

Planning. Yeah, I'm still not that good at it. Seat-of-the-pants doesn't result in a lot of exciting adventures, but that's okay too. I love my drama-free life.

I hope you enjoy your down time. It sounds perfect.

Berrybean

To be honest - after being poorly and spending half the day wandering round Cambridge, it's probably what I need anyway.

So, Cod and Crab bake in the oven. Fizzy strawberry lances for an appetizer. And pyjamas in the clothes warmer. I also have a coffee date and a lunch date with different sober friends to look forward to tomorrow, and my home group meeting (where recovery IS mentioned and texts don't get texted in shares) in the evening.

Time to call my mum now

tomsteve

good on ya,becky!!! its awesome to read your progress and the promises happening for you.
i think theres meetings like that everywhere. i call them dysfunctional aa. whole lots of problems and "just want to vent."
and ive been criticized for talking the program during them meetings in the past. i was attending one regularly after moving last year. i got a nickname:
big book thumpin AA nazi!!
the man that called me that i dont think liked it too much when i said," welp, ive been called some pretty nasty names when i was drinkin and they were all true. if big book thumpin aa nazi is what ya want to call me ill take it as a compliment of the highest. thank,you!!,"

Berrybean

Thanks Tomsteve - it def felt dysfunctional.
Oh well - at least I'm lucky that my regular meetings aren't like that.

Berrybean

As usual, those feelings of being irritable and discontent passed. Today I had plans and everything was so much better / easier / more serene.

Went to the early (not so many kids running round - I get enough of that at school) church service and heard some really interesting and helpful perspectives which helped me see yesterdays meeting in a less negative light. Then went for coffee with a lovely friend from church (not in recovery but is very interested in it all in a non-prying and non-judgemental way) and talked through some stuff she's been struggling with.
Then met up with an AA friend for lunch in the most lovely tearoom ever. Delicious food and good chats. Then home to get some vital work done in preparation for my personal work review which is later this week (accomplished this without a single moment of stress, which would have been unimaginable for me before recovery). Got that finished just in time for getting to AA and setting up the literature, and grabbing tea and having a good natter before an amazing and inspiring share.
Home now for cheesy crumpets, more tea (you can tell I'm in the UK with all this tea drinking lol) and an early night.

It's sometimes just being able to appreciate the little things that make a life in sobriety a wonderful experience.

Soberwolf

chardis

Che

Good for you, Beccybean!

thomas11

That's progress eah? Good job.

leviathan

Beccybean, I wish I could wander around Cambridge for a day... From here in the midwest USA , that sounds pretty fun. Grass is always greener, right?

Berrybean

Cambridge is a lovely place to wander around - especially the lesser travelled back streets. (Was fun but still tiring.) It can be a little like a scene from Harry Potter or similar. And Autumn in the sunshine makes it even prettier. Ely and Newmarket are both so pretty as well.

Actually, my AA friend who I went for lunch with is from the States (Forces working in UK) and she says it is her dream come true to be here as she loves history. She was certainly happy in that pretty little old tea room with all its antiques and old china.

Jsbodhi

Good thread! I'll keep it in my mind what you've said about changing our day around at anytime
I like that

Berrybean

Ahh - that's from my morning meditation / prayer.

'Throughout the day, sharpen my awareness so that I can start my day again any time I choose. Keep me mindful, ready to forgive, and remembering to place principles before personalities in all areas of my life. Let me be wary of taking offence, and remain free from the shackles of my fears and ego. ...'

It helps me to remember that on a daily basic. Can't remember where I got it from now - probably someone else on here unless it's one of the Step Prayers

FeelingGreat

Beccy I was going to post my envy of wandering around Cambridge but I wasn't sure whether you were in the UK or US city. Now I know, consider it done. Of course it's much nicer if you have a friend with you.

I'm a history nut and would love to spend some quality time in your area.

Sounds like you really handled your potential loneliness and triggers well and it will make you stronger next time.

Jsbodhi

Nice! I like this too, I'm going to copy it down xx

Dropsie

Thanks Beccy, loved the thread and the prayer.

Planning is not my strong suit, and you make a good case for trying to be better at it.

Good luck in your work review, but sounds like you have it taped -- wish I could be as productive as you seem to be, but alas....

Berrybean

Thanks Dropsie - this is very much a new phase for me with regards to being organised and productive. It still sometimes feels like I've gatecrashed someone else's existence. Meeting friends for coffee / tea dates; food in the fridge (and freezer); laundry not overflowing or spread all over the floors from room to room; clean and fresh linen on the bed; clean floors; planning for school 'generally' up to date and prepared; and spending more controlled, even if not much money spare some months ... I take none of these things for granted. I know that if I take that first drink and get back on that crazy roller-coaster ride of drinking, all these things would disappear a lot, lot quicker than I managed to get them. They're all very much by-products of sobriety; my 12-step work and putting recovery as a high priority. Thank goodness for a great sponsor; my HP, meetings where people talk about the solution and what has worked for them; the Big Book; and all the amazing people on this forum. I couldn't have got this far alone.

hpdw

Im happy you got over the restlessness Beccybean . Your Mum is the best friend in the world and I'm glad you have her for that special comfort .
I love those warm happy feelings of being settled at home too with an old Colombo or touch of frost film .

having blitzed my house with wallpaper and paint and one room to finish this weekend I am also planning ahead as boredom and me don't get on very well .

Your post always perk me up Beccybean

Take care