A quarter of a year
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Norway
Posts: 194
A quarter of a year
Just passed the 3 month mark, and I can’t help but think back to this time last year. My ex thinking about moving because I would never stop showing up at his place, drunk and disorderly. All those days at work feeling like death, the desperate desire to quit drinking, more often than not crying while opening that first bottle of beer the second I’d locked my apartment door behind me.
And the weekends… The intense fear of those 60 hours. I would get 8 bottles of wine, a sixpack and some sleeping pills and just try to pass out and get it over with. Sundays so bad I couldn’t even hit the links on SR because of tremors. Not even able to drink water, because that meant having to go to the bathroom, and standing up was out of the question most of the day. The shame and disappointment that hit me the moment I woke up.
Well, at 3 months I feel calm. There are moments of joy, that feeling of helplessness and dread is long gone. Weekends no longer terrify me. I’m working hard on being less self-centred, and I try to do some good. Someone told me you can’t be filled with bitterness and gratitude at the same time. I’m working hard on making amends and being accountable, grateful to the people who still stick by me. Grateful that I didn’t lose everything while I was stuck in my destructive quagmire.
There is a lot of childish pride in the things I do these days ("Mom, look what I can do!"
). My apartment is clean and tidy. I cook huge batches of food and give it away to friends and colleagues (a lot of bachelors in my line of work, they appreciate some home cooking 
). I knit for people and I have the patience and time to listen to friends who need a shoulder to cry on. I’m contributing again, and it’s great. I’ve also got my brain back, meaning I’m able to read a book, watch a movie or have an opinion when called for.
When I got sober, I calculated that I’d have 50 hours of free time a week, the time I’d spent drinking. My main concern was how to fill them. I read so many threads on here about how you find things to do sober, and gradually I was able to find meaningful and enjoyable activities.
Whenever the thought of drinking hits me, I get this picture of Pinhead from Hellraiser in my head. “We have such sights to show you”. I’ve seen them all, don’t miss the drama, and I’m finding it easier and easier to stick to my peaceful life. There are still bad days, but at least they’re not caused by hangovers or bad decisions I made while drunk. I used to feel that I was moving in slow motion, always a step behind and too slow to prevent disasters. Now I’m in pace and quick to react when I need to. If that makes sense.
In short: Life is manageable again, even fun a lot of the time. You were right.
And the weekends… The intense fear of those 60 hours. I would get 8 bottles of wine, a sixpack and some sleeping pills and just try to pass out and get it over with. Sundays so bad I couldn’t even hit the links on SR because of tremors. Not even able to drink water, because that meant having to go to the bathroom, and standing up was out of the question most of the day. The shame and disappointment that hit me the moment I woke up.
Well, at 3 months I feel calm. There are moments of joy, that feeling of helplessness and dread is long gone. Weekends no longer terrify me. I’m working hard on being less self-centred, and I try to do some good. Someone told me you can’t be filled with bitterness and gratitude at the same time. I’m working hard on making amends and being accountable, grateful to the people who still stick by me. Grateful that I didn’t lose everything while I was stuck in my destructive quagmire.
There is a lot of childish pride in the things I do these days ("Mom, look what I can do!"
). My apartment is clean and tidy. I cook huge batches of food and give it away to friends and colleagues (a lot of bachelors in my line of work, they appreciate some home cooking ). I knit for people and I have the patience and time to listen to friends who need a shoulder to cry on. I’m contributing again, and it’s great. I’ve also got my brain back, meaning I’m able to read a book, watch a movie or have an opinion when called for. When I got sober, I calculated that I’d have 50 hours of free time a week, the time I’d spent drinking. My main concern was how to fill them. I read so many threads on here about how you find things to do sober, and gradually I was able to find meaningful and enjoyable activities.
Whenever the thought of drinking hits me, I get this picture of Pinhead from Hellraiser in my head. “We have such sights to show you”. I’ve seen them all, don’t miss the drama, and I’m finding it easier and easier to stick to my peaceful life. There are still bad days, but at least they’re not caused by hangovers or bad decisions I made while drunk. I used to feel that I was moving in slow motion, always a step behind and too slow to prevent disasters. Now I’m in pace and quick to react when I need to. If that makes sense.
In short: Life is manageable again, even fun a lot of the time. You were right.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Woohoo, congrats Stella! You've made some fantastic process in these last 3 months, give yourself a lot of credit for all the hard work. Thank you for sharing too, hope you can still stick around and join us from time to time !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Norway
Posts: 194
It took me the better part of a year, but I finally realized all the reasons why I drank (shame, regrets, loneliness, boredom) were due to my drinking in the first place. Making amends, forgiving myself and others and actually getting off the couch to see what's out there made all the difference. I read somewhere that you need to create a life you don't want to escape from. That's hard work, but also a lot of fun.
When I first got sober in April, I bought a ukulele. A colleague asked me "Can you play?", and my immediate reply was "I don't know, I've never tried". Turns out I really couldn't, but I keep practicing. Much like with this whole sobriety thing.
I went to a work seminar a few weeks ago. Upon arrival I was told the rooms had minibars. I hadn't prepared for that, but I've learned a few things here on SR, so I went straight to the reception to ask for a room without a minibar. I was in charge of all the arrangements for this seminar, and the hotel had set me up with a suite... I prepared, played the tape, told my mom and 3 friends (to make myself accountable), and I ended up sleeping peacefully in a kingsize bed next to a fully stocked minibar. It's the first time in a long time that I've been alone in a room with alcohol without drinking.
Feels like years of defeat are finally turning into a series of victories. This can be done.
Thank you for all the support and encouragements.
When I first got sober in April, I bought a ukulele. A colleague asked me "Can you play?", and my immediate reply was "I don't know, I've never tried". Turns out I really couldn't, but I keep practicing.
Much like with this whole sobriety thing. I went to a work seminar a few weeks ago. Upon arrival I was told the rooms had minibars. I hadn't prepared for that, but I've learned a few things here on SR, so I went straight to the reception to ask for a room without a minibar. I was in charge of all the arrangements for this seminar, and the hotel had set me up with a suite... I prepared, played the tape, told my mom and 3 friends (to make myself accountable), and I ended up sleeping peacefully in a kingsize bed next to a fully stocked minibar. It's the first time in a long time that I've been alone in a room with alcohol without drinking.
Feels like years of defeat are finally turning into a series of victories. This can be done.
Thank you for all the support and encouragements.
Last edited by StellaPolaris; 10-08-2015 at 02:40 PM. Reason: Norwegian autocorrect...
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