SlickRick07

Well, just ruined my life for the millionth time b/c of drinking. Just lost one of the best things thats ever happened to me b/c I got black out drunk.

She was one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I don't think there is anyway to get her back either. She said she doesn't think she can forgive me.

What is there to do? I can sit around and hate my life and think about what a **** up I am or I can use this to finally get sober.

I can't do it on my own. If I could I would be sober. I've been making these ****** ass threads for years now. I've been lying to myself for years now. I've been bargaining with myself for years and saying oh I'll just drink beer it doesn't make me black out like liquor does.

I'm getting into substance abuse counseling this week before I ruin my life even more. I might have lost the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I'm still alive.

That's something, right?

Dee74

It certainly is something Rick

Make this your last thread 'like this' - you can do this

D

bullmas

"She said she doesn't think she can forgive me."

S/L it seems that drinking keeps interfering with your social agenda,

Stay in the game, get assistance if needed.

The longer we drink.
The more regrets we will have.

The longer we are sober .
The more joy we will get.

Cheers

SlickRick07

Yeah, I'm getting assistance. I can't do it alone. I called the V.A. today and am getting into the substance abuse counseling program. I need some support b/c I don't have any here.

SlickRick07

It has to be my last thread. I can't ruin my life anymore. Things were going so great too. I woke up every morning feeling alive and I was so happy just to be alive. I don't feel like that anymore. But, maybe with sobriety and time, I can again one day.

Tooshabby

It sure is, Rick. You can do it!

zjw

YEP sure is your here for a reason too.

I always say I'm not even suppost to be here today!!! but I am.

Hevyn

Sometimes it takes feeling this way to finally convince us, Rick. There's no doubt you can get sober and have a wonderful life. I'm sorry for your pain. Please keep posting.

FLCamper

What's the next step with the VA? That is probably a very good place to start.

SlickRick07

They are going to call me in the next few days to get my initial appointment and then I'll go from there.

SlickRick07

My mood has been swinging back and forth today. On one hand I want to feel depressed like I used to for what I did and not getting sober sooner. I feel horrible for all the people I've let down and for what I've done. I woke up this morning and I didn't want to wake up, I had no zest for life anymore. I talked myself in and out of going to the gym 4 times this morning. I have a test today that I didn't study for. All I want is for her to forgive me, my gut tells me she will, but what if I'm wrong? I feel like I've made too many mistakes and getting sober now doesn't mean anything.

On the other spectrum, I feel like this is a turning point in my life. I've done everything I can to make it right with her. I showed up with flowers and told her how much she meant to me. I'm not going to text her anymore to give her time and space, but I hate being in limbo. I've done it to myself.

I want to use this as a positive and not feel so much guilt. I want to wake up tomorrow ready to live the rest of my life. I feel like I don't deserve to be positive, I don't deserve to be happy after what I've done. As much as I want to, I think back to all the ****** things I've done to people when I've drank, and it makes me feel like I don't deserve this millionth second chance on life.

The guilt is weighing me down hard, and I just don't feel like its right for me to be positive and happy that I'm finally making this change. I'm getting into substance abuse counseling this week. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling like I always have, with no regrets. I've honestly done everything I can to make it right with her.

Do I even deserve happiness at this point? I don't know honestly know. But, I don't want to go back into depression that I was in for years. I've never been more motivated to get sober as I am now. I just don't know if thats enough.

ScottFromWI

In regards to your sobriety, remember that the past is irrelevant. What you do today is really all that matters, and it can absolutely be a turning point in your life. Yes, there will be consequences for the things you have done but there is always today..and you have a chance to live a good day today and treat people well, along with yourself.

Have you ever talked to a therapist or doctor about your depression? It's a very treatable and common condition.

SlickRick07

I actually have and I was able to get over my depression. Before this happened, I would wake up every morning excited about experiencing life and what was in store. I was so excited for the future. I don't feel like that anymore. I'll see what the substance abuse counselor thinks. I honestly believe my depression is more situational than anything. I've seen a psychiatrist and he didn't believe I was depressed.

Berrybean

Maybe stop thinking about what you deserve and think about what she deserves. You've given her flowers and told her what you want, but not really done anything yet that will show her that you're ready to change. To make a living amends. I suspect that her not coming back to you has little to do with whether or not she she forgives you. She owes it to herself to be with someone who is capable of treating her right being emotional available to her. While you're not sober, you're probably not capable of that. Do you really want her to line herself up to be hurt by you again.

Once you are sober, and recovered, then you'll be better placed to get into a relationship. When we are sick we have very little to offer anyone.

I hope the VA goes well. It sounds like a good opportunity to start the work that you need to do to get well.

SlickRick07

I'm getting sober this time. There won't be a next time. I am capable of being in a relationship with her now. I know I can do it and prove to her the person I really am. Trust me the guilt is already heavy,

ScottFromWI

I think you are missing the point...its' not about guilt or whether or not there will be a next time, it's about THIS time. And the fact that you need to give it time. Even though you have made an absolute commitment to being sober and view yourself as capable of being in a relationship, it is going to take time for your ACTIONS to prove that to others around you. Words and promises don't mean anything until we back them up with sober living and sober time.

The problem is that as addicts we crave instant gratification....and that carries over into our recovery too. But the simple fact you cannot change is that life doesn't work that way...all good things require effort and time to achieve.

SlickRick07

You are right. If it doesn't work out between her and I, it won't change anything. I'm doing this for me and I'll never let myself down again.

Berrybean

That's great. We need to do this for ourselves.

Have you thought about your sobriety plan? The how part of this? If not it's worth checking out some of the threads on here to get some ideas. The VA will hopefully be one part of it, but the day-to-day of it is worth thinking about.
When are the times you;re most likely to crave and how will you get past this? What can you fill the time with instead? Who are your 'slippery' people and where are your 'slippery' places - can you avoid them? How?
Maybe consider HALT (avoiding Hunger; Anger; Loneliness; getting too Tired).

I know it seems like too much to think about; but it's better to get yourself prepared.

Good luck

Berrybean

This might be useful Slick.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

SlickRick07

Besides the VA, that's pretty much it. I hardly have any friends here and no support structure. No one here would care to help me. It looks like I'm going to have to go back to staring at my room ceiling in my free time. Spent all day super angry.