Dropsie

Mixed bag for me too, worked a lot, but not as much progress as I hoped.

Tomorrow is another day.

Dropsie

TS,

How are you doing?? I saw that yesterday was a tough one for you.

Anything we can do??

Thinking of you.

fantail

So thankfully the client pushed back our meeting, because I am so far from done. I've been working hard, though. At one point I was diagnosed with ADD and I just thought, "nope, I'm a drunk so I'm always working hungover". Maybe there was more to it than that. Or maybe it's just one more way that early sobriety is making life difficult. Or another option is that I assumed that this stuff would be super easy sober, when in fact it's fairly complex. Who knows. But definitely if I hadn't procrastinated all weekend I wouldn't be in this spot.

Hope you're OK, TS.

Tooshabby

Thanks guys. Yes, Dropsie, yesterday was awful. Marginally better today. I did get a lot done the day before yesterday which was good. I think I'm not busy enough. I'm only working two days a week at the moment and it's not enough. If I'm not busy I just grind to a halt. There's plenty to be done around the house but finding it so hard to get going.

That's great the meeting was pushed back, Fantail. Phew :-) How are you going, Dropsie?

Dropsie

Hey guys, well I was half way though a post and it disappeared so will try again.

I am sorry for the radio silence, but I had to give a speech at a conference yesterday so had my head down. But I have been thinking of you.

Now I have my head down for another reason, I have something really important to get done for work and I just can't seem to do get up the courage to do it. Its weird because 20 years ago I could and would have done it easily, but now seems completely insurmountable and I am not sure why.

I am thinking back to what Alleyce said about trying to figure out what is stopping me, really, and I am sure I am afraid that it will not be good enough, and that this si something I should be able to do flawlessly, then I guarantee that it won't be by delaying actions -- probably because I don't think I deserve to succeed.

Last ten years have been rough on the work and personal front and I have had to deal with a lot of failure, which has taken its toll on me.

Wow it kind of helped to get that out there -- I am going to do my best on this document for the four hours I have. Thanks.

Fluffer

I struggle with this one too, and it's a big deal because I'm self employed. I try to remember the saying that procrastination is not just the thief of time, it's the thief of life. And the quality of your life outside of work depends on the quality of your time management during work. So why am I on this forum again?

Tooshabby

lol Fluffer, and I like that quote...SO true.

Dropsie, I'm rushing out right now so don't have time for a long post. My advice would be just begin. I don't know about you, but for me beginning is the hardest part. Try saying to yourself I am just going to work on it for 15 minutes, then I can stop if I want to. See if that gets you kick started....good luck! Thinking of you. You can do it!!!

fantail

Dropsie, I very much relate to that. I went through a really bloody lay off about 3 years ago and I've really never regained my confidence. A lot of my procrastination comes from that place of self doubt. Intellectually I know that what I need is to really apply myself so that I get my momentum back... instead I just skated (and drank) for a long time. Trying really hard now to give it my all, as scary as that is. But yeah. Prior to that, I still wasn't the most organized person, but I was still pretty full-speed ahead because I'd never actually failed. I'm really only coming to terms now with just how huge that experience was for me.

Thanks for posting that, it's good food for thought!

Dropsie

Thanks for your posts -- I did get on it and feel much better. There are many more rounds to go on the project, but as you said, now that its in process it seems to have a natural momentum to keep going.

On the deeper issues, I am always amazed at how much we all force ourselves to examine issues that others that do not have addiction issues would not and force ourselves to face our deep dark truths, which in itself is not easy. Add to that we are here because we have "issues" and we should all pat ourselves on the back.

Thanks guys and gals.

fantail

I was thinking about that this morning. I work in retail on the side and was laughing at myself that somehow stocking breakfast pastries turned into a meditation on the meaning of life. It's definitely a chicken-or-egg question... am I constantly caught up in existential angst because I'm an alcoholic? Or did I drink to deal with my constant existential angst??

Dropsie

FT -- Great thought, KP

Tooshabby

For me it's the latter. I drank to deal with my existential angst. What I *finally* realised was that drinking was making my angst a whole lot worse. Sure, not in the short-term, but within a day, and it had ongoing long-term negative consequences that shouldn't have taken a rocket scientist to figure out it was a very bad deal I was making.

It's funny how you can find so much meaning in menial tasks. I find that with gardening. Filled with metaphors.

fantail

Unfortunately this morning the metaphors were mostly futility-based. Feeling quite defeated today. Yeah, I do think the angst came first... but at this point the two are certainly intertwined. Sigh.

Tooshabby

Oh, darling angel (((fantail))). I really know how you feel. I was in the thick of it the other day.

You have recently moved to a new city, right? Do you know anyone there?

fantail

Thanks, TS. Yes, I'm living with my mother right now. It's actually why I'm here... I didn't trust myself to return to the scene of the crime (my apartment!) right away. In January I'll decide whether to get a place here or back where I was living. Right now I think I'll return, I miss it and my friends a lot. But yeah. There's a lot of ground to be recovered this time around, and some days it just feels absolutely insurmountable. So although right in this moment I'm just hating it here, it's the safest place for me. It's not hard to relapse when it's a secret, but doing it here would be involving my family too, so while not impossible it would take a lot more to get me there.

Tomorrow I'm going to see if one of the women from AA wants to get coffee, and then I think I'll try to go on some kind of fun expedition... ironically for this thread, I think that working so much lately has done me a turn... my career and its lack of direction is a huge source of anxiety for me right now. A day off might help me come up for air.

fantail

Hope you're feeling better today, by the way.

Tooshabby

I am feeling a bit better but I too have a lack of direction at the moment career-wise. I saw a part-time job I think I will apply for. It's 20 hours a week and would compliment what I'm already doing nicely. Whether I even get an interview or not, well, that's another question.

Sounds like you are putting in some hard yards to turn things around - both with your career and where you a living right now. Good on you. It might feel a bit like walking through quick sand at the moment, but you'll get through it, I'm sure.

Great idea about the coffee and meet up, and doing something fun. Fun?! Why don't we think of that more often?

Fly N Buy

Yea, my defects pretty much cover the 7 deadly sins including a favorite = sloth !

3 frogs sat on a log - 2 thought they'd jump off - one stayed. How many frogs are on the log??

Right ! 3 - 2 were only thinking about it but took no action .....

Dropsie

Fly -- I had never heard that one -- very funny -- I may never leave the log!!

TS -- Sounds like you are feeling a bit better than a coupe days ago, which is a good thing. Love the cookies cartoon, which also made me laugh. Thanks for that.

FT -- I can so relate -- I was never much of a thinker, but I find that lately I am "thinking" a lot and often think myself into a funk.

None of this easy, as we all know, and as to whether its worth it, thats what trust is for I suppose. Not sure that its much help, but trust is the hardest thing for me to achieve, even though I know if I could really trust that everything is as it should be, the rest would be so much easier.

Love to hang with such brave souls. So what are we going to do today to break this cycle.

Dropsie

Ok so now that is weird, I just post about trust and go over to Cows thread to see how everyone is and what are you talking about -- trust. Maybe the universe is keeping tabs on us.