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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIV: "Happy Birthday to Moo"



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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIV: "Happy Birthday to Moo"

Old 09-26-2015, 07:39 AM
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So Guys, am I right in saying that magnesium will help with my insomnia?
Been following along as you discuss vitamins and minerals, but want to be sure I get the right thing when I go to the vitamin store.
I have terrible sleep issues; wearing me out... :-(
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Old 09-26-2015, 07:58 AM
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Everybody different, but I think is essential. This my favorite good cheap mag (it say take 1, but take 2) with last meal of day...
Country Life Magnesium Caps -- 300 mg - 120 Vegetarian Capsules - Vitacost

Also good for sleep "MRM Relax-all."
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Old 09-26-2015, 08:04 AM
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you got donuts??!!
i had to go to confession, too, and had to lie my way through the little list. well, there was always stuff about having lied to my parents about something or other, and having covetous thoughts, so that part was true...but donuts? no.

yes, cow, no (yes and no...), i wouldn't likely appreciate your stand-up jokes. quite so.
i might still talk to you anyways, though....would probably **** you off with a bunch of questions, and you'd have comebacks that would offend me and we'd...ja...
but i didn't feel personally disrespected by your comment.

your post, though, also reminded me that just because something happens pretty much all the time doesn't mean it's not miraculous or mysterious.

thanks.

and have a happy b-day if you can, in spite of it being so common
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Old 09-26-2015, 08:12 AM
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I was raised catholic, too. When I was ten, I told my mom I didn't believe in god any longer and she dragged me off to see a priest so that he could "prove" to me there was a god. She couldn't believe it when he told her he couldn't prove it! My mother never questioned the existence of god.

Anyway, I never got confirmed as a result and I remember scouring my brain for "sins" I'd committed when I was seven...seriously, how bad can you be at that age?
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Old 09-26-2015, 08:13 AM
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Cow, are you famous? Were you on Bill Maher last night, or is it going to be tonight?
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Old 09-26-2015, 08:14 AM
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Damn straight, fini. Always chose the cocoa or the maple log (cuz they was the biggest, is just good sense!)

I total agree, things is mysterious, especially the plights of the common! I glad our little arrangements of atoms can be friendly, even though we so different.

elsker, Jane Goodall bring her friend Cow on Real Time last night is all. But for good cause. Cowspiracy is movie that explain.
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Old 09-26-2015, 08:39 AM
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Thanks so much Cow! Starting my new regimen today.
So tired of constantly lying awake instead of sleeping..
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Old 09-26-2015, 08:44 AM
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RTDB, mag with you dinner will just make you relax and little bit sleepy. The Relax-all is the make you really sleepy one. And plus also, I total subscribes to cheap blue blocker glasses 1 hour at least before bedtime to signal you brain that it dark and time to sleeps. Otherwise, cuze of TV/computer/artificial light, you brain not know is dark and not make chemicals needed for you to go to sleep. They really a must and just $9. Read comments to see about how blue light after dark is damaging to sleep. I feels like home shopping network!

http://www.amazon.com/Uvex-S1933X-Ey...safety+glasses
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Old 09-26-2015, 08:47 AM
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A lot of birthdays happening this month... I'm taking a friend out for pie later for his bday

I love birthdays...

My bday has a twist so I always try and celebrate it
though on second thought considering I often wish I had not been born that's kinda dumb.
Sorry for the bring down!
Watched the trailer for Cowspiracy.
Is anyone going to bother with the SNL season premier?
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Old 09-26-2015, 08:59 AM
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Not watch SNL in VERY long time. Got too disappointing, like Southpark. Although season premier of Southpark kind of funny, but then second episode, ay yi yi!

Sleepies, odds of you existing at all are infinitesimal, so might as well eat (gluten free, low sugar) cake.
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Old 09-26-2015, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Cow View Post
I wish you be more specific when you suggest I could dig deeper to help self, cuz that sting little bit, and I really not even know what you mean.
It's hard for me to be more specific in this medium. A couple of things I notice:

You rarely write in detail about the mental/emotional and interpersonal aspects of your own experiences with alcohol, drugs, and sobriety. I have a pretty good idea, I think, of what your drinking looked like -- feeling depressed in the a.m., getting coffee, feeling manic, thinking the only way to resolve that was with wine, drinking too much, vomiting, repeat -- is that about right? But, other than physical, you never write about the impact that had on your self or your interpersonal life. Do you think that because you were high-functioning, your drinking only caused you physical problems? I find that odd. Until the last year or so, my drinking didn't take much of a physical toll. But the mental, emotional, and interpersonal effects of it on me were profound, and I realized that practically as soon as I quit, and acknowledge it more and more all the time. Clearly there's an interaction between your depression and drinking, which I had as well, but most of the really bad things I experienced and did were not due to depression, they were due to my primary overriding relationship with alcohol and drugs.

Also, you don't seem interested in getting into the "why" of your more-or-less lifelong substance abuse problem. I don't think any of us can ever answer the "why". But I don't think I know anyone with good, relatively peaceful and longterm sobriety who hasn't grappled with the question over and over again, deeply. It isn't enough to say you were molested as a child and had an overdose. There are many people who can say exactly the same who are not living and using the way you have done. From those inputs, your current state is far from inevitable. Before I was 20, I'd been raped by multiple men and been addicted to and withdrawn from speed and daily use of tranquilizers. Knowing that tells me precisely NOTHING about why I became an addict and later an alcoholic.

I'm not expecting you to find answers, there are no answers, but I urge you to write, here, about these things. Perhaps you don't feel well enough yet, but pushing yourself to write here where you not only put your thoughts out but you'll get a variety of responses, and not all just hugs -- that may push you to feel better, faster. It helped me Maybe the Cow persona can't figure out a way to do that in the Cow voice, and it's protective that way, which is why you have it, and you want to keep it that way. Or -- and I hope this is the case -- maybe you're dealing with yourself in therapy, and just don't want this to be the place where you do that.

I respect your choices about what to post. I'd like to see you step up and engage and grapple with your own drunkenness and your own quit here, on this forum, but if you don't want to do that, I still like you.
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Old 09-26-2015, 09:30 AM
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Cow, I think Courage and you are on to deep, serious discussions here, but I do want to tell you that I got the blue light blocker glasses a few weeks ago after you mentioned them!
You are quite influential Cow...('cause you're smart!)
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Old 09-26-2015, 09:51 AM
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PS Cow, I only try to nudge you a little bit, respecting always your prerogative not to be nudged, because I think you're doing well. I even like it that you're doing the cleanse -- it's the first specific & positive thing I've seen you aim for in a long time. Congratulations!
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Old 09-26-2015, 10:25 AM
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Wow okay. Well, I objects, SnarkBunny, I does, and here is why:
1. Everybody on here is persona to more or less extent, even you.
2. I not gonna ask you to go back and read all previous 13 chapter of Diary of Cow, but I does write extensively, painfully, deeply, and gut splaying honest about my many addiction and the regret, remorse, loss, hopelessness, grief, insanity, and blind rage and fear I has experience. Never has it been "just physical." And plus also, I talk openly about my depressions and anhedonia. And even my shameful schadenfrauden!
3. I honest does not know why after molestation as young girl my response was to start on lifelong path of various compulsive disorders and addictions, but I DID. Maybe it genetics, or psychological disorder, or just plain old coping. I has no way to know this? But I has been honest about all of it here. I has tell more of my deepest darkest self than most, I think.
4. "step up and grapple with drunkeness and quit" - Serious? Maybe you miss my first couple years of postings when I relapse every other day, and ADMIT it. And agonize over it. And maybe you miss how even though I quit, I still total grapple with misery, depression and anhedonia. (But I not talking about that in this thread, cuz as I say, I trying different tactic of maybe being more positive.)
5. I under care of several doctor, had therapist and looking for new therapist, have great bodywork therapist, and has AA women's group assisting with my quit, all of which I has also talk about.
I rests my case! If anybody else wish to gives testimony, please feel free and I will enter into evidence for further considerations. Court adjourn.


RTDB, I glad you got blue blocker and interest to hear if you notice anything from them.
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Old 09-26-2015, 10:44 AM
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I have the scahdenfreude too.
did you ever have withdrawals cow
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Old 09-26-2015, 10:45 AM
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This is not a court and I wasn't attacking you. As you know, I write what I think and don't mince words.

As you also know, I've read all your threads. I wasn't referring to what you *did*. I was and am referring to what you're doing now. Any wrestling or grappling you did while you were using, and that extends I believe even into the last thread, is not the same as anything you might do while you're sober.

I don't object to the Cow persona. Really. As long as it helps you get better, it's fine with me. Nor need my thoughts about your persona have anything to do with Cow's existence, or with anyone else's.

I wasn't suggesting that you should write more accounts of how unhappy and hopeless you are. I don't know how many times I've written it on your threads, but I think you're holding back something else, despite your protestations that you spill all here. Where are the details? How are you dealing with cravings? How is your digestion? Who means something to you in your life, and how are you getting along with him/her/them in early recovery? Can you write? You don't have to provide those details, or anything else, but I think posting about tv and dietary supplements is a superficial use of this forum, at this point. There, I said it.

Not BTW, but my first quit date and still the one I consider my first day of recovery was 10 days before my 50th birthday. When I turned 49, I said to myself -- because I already knew I was well on the road to killing myself with alcohol -- self, I said, you have precisely 1 more year's run, so do it as hard as you possibly can. The attempt nearly destroyed me. My 50s have been a much better decade, so far, and I hope they are for you.

You seem angry at me, and have told me to **** off your thread before, so unless you say you want me to continue to post here, I won't. You always have my good will, and I wish I had something to offer you that you wanted.
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Old 09-26-2015, 10:46 AM
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doesn't cow have a friend, an older woman next door she sees from time to time?
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Old 09-26-2015, 11:05 AM
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I need those posts about tv and supplements... helps keep my mind off things... I am going through a lot right now, it's scary.
I like it when cow and others converse about different topics.
It distracts me from drinking which I want to do so badly at the moment.
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Old 09-26-2015, 11:21 AM
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I not sure what more detail I can give, Bunny. I has talk about my pancreatitis, intestinal infection, stomach pain, limited diet, etc. I only has "cravings" if I use caffeine or something else act as stimulant, such as when I try anti-depressants or some supplements, all of which I write about. Only person that mean anything to me is younger brother, who I also write about, but who not really give too much crap about me, cuz that just what our family is. He nor anybody else in my family or friends give crap about my recovery. Is what it is. I not have significant other or childrens or even dog to talk about, but I has talk about my plants -which I adore.

I not angry. I confuse, with twinge of exasperation. It just seem you come at me with stuff that I sincerely has no idea what you talking about. Why it my responsibility to live up to what you think is "valuable" use of this forum. You can has you own thread and talk about whatever you like. If my subjects is get superficial for you is maybe cuz is not working for me to be so self involve with my own sadness and miseries and I sick of saying same sad things over and over. Is hundred of other thread to choose from. I just really, genuinely not get what you want from me. And, if I may, I not able to care too much what you want from me right now, cuz I on my freaking positive, hopefully life enhancing sobriety kick right now, okay?

Sleepies, my belove neighbor friend, and second mama, die last year.
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Old 09-26-2015, 11:40 AM
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Fair enough, Cow. I totally support you on your freaking positive, hopefully life enhancing sobriety kick.

For all you say about your misery, you have a much more light-hearted attitude towards life than I have. And I admire that in you. But I don't fit in light-hearted places, not now, not before, not before that. And so I cordially say goodbye.

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