The next right thing?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
The next right thing?
Ugh, I'm in a really difficult position right now.
My Mum was taken ill today. She hasn't been well for 6 weeks or so, complaining of feeling dizzy and extreme tiredness. Blood tests showed a vitamin B12 deficiency which can be caused by medication to treat her diabetes. So they gave her a course of injections but she felt no improvement. She had more blood tests and went to get her results today. She passed out in the surgery and they called me to come and get her. Her ECG was normal but she did have low blood pressure. They told me not to leave her on her own.
She can't come and stay with me, I simply don't have the room. So tonight, I've moved back in with her. When I went to make her a cup of tea, I found her fridge was completely empty. She just hasn't been eating or taking care of herself properly. I went out and bought her some food and cooked her dinner.
My problem is this...my Mum has diabetes, angina and a host of other problems but I think anxiety plays a big part in this. Last weekend was the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death. My sister has recently divorced and is struggling and my Mum worries so much for her. I think without realising it, my sister puts an enormous strain on her, she often drops off her kids for my Mum to look after and they aren't the easiest of girls.
My Mum and I have got so close since my Dad's death...it is such a lovely relationship now. I want to look after her.
BUT tomorrow is my first day back at work after being off for 6 weeks. I work in a school. It is an important time, I'm meant to be giving a presentation in the morning. It is very very difficult for me to just not go in.
I'm doing well in sobriety, I'm strong and solid in recovery...and the way I'm maintaining that is to always do the next right thing. When faced with difficult situations (and I'm married to an active alcoholic so they happen frequently), I've learned to detach and reflect, pray a little and go with what is right, not what I want.
I just have no clue what to do here. I've told my boss that I might be late in as the Doc has asked me to take her blood pressure every day, and I want to make sure she's eaten and leave her some lunch.
But supposing she faints and falls and breaks something while I'm not here? There is no-one else who could sit with her. My brothers are both overseas and my sister really doesn't help the situation.
I'm starting to feel really anxious. Thoughts anyone?
My Mum was taken ill today. She hasn't been well for 6 weeks or so, complaining of feeling dizzy and extreme tiredness. Blood tests showed a vitamin B12 deficiency which can be caused by medication to treat her diabetes. So they gave her a course of injections but she felt no improvement. She had more blood tests and went to get her results today. She passed out in the surgery and they called me to come and get her. Her ECG was normal but she did have low blood pressure. They told me not to leave her on her own.
She can't come and stay with me, I simply don't have the room. So tonight, I've moved back in with her. When I went to make her a cup of tea, I found her fridge was completely empty. She just hasn't been eating or taking care of herself properly. I went out and bought her some food and cooked her dinner.
My problem is this...my Mum has diabetes, angina and a host of other problems but I think anxiety plays a big part in this. Last weekend was the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death. My sister has recently divorced and is struggling and my Mum worries so much for her. I think without realising it, my sister puts an enormous strain on her, she often drops off her kids for my Mum to look after and they aren't the easiest of girls.
My Mum and I have got so close since my Dad's death...it is such a lovely relationship now. I want to look after her.
BUT tomorrow is my first day back at work after being off for 6 weeks. I work in a school. It is an important time, I'm meant to be giving a presentation in the morning. It is very very difficult for me to just not go in.
I'm doing well in sobriety, I'm strong and solid in recovery...and the way I'm maintaining that is to always do the next right thing. When faced with difficult situations (and I'm married to an active alcoholic so they happen frequently), I've learned to detach and reflect, pray a little and go with what is right, not what I want.
I just have no clue what to do here. I've told my boss that I might be late in as the Doc has asked me to take her blood pressure every day, and I want to make sure she's eaten and leave her some lunch.
But supposing she faints and falls and breaks something while I'm not here? There is no-one else who could sit with her. My brothers are both overseas and my sister really doesn't help the situation.
I'm starting to feel really anxious. Thoughts anyone?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Thats' a tough one Jeni26...your mom is very lucky to have you and you are doing a great thing by helping her out. Is the problem that your sister wont help or cant help? Sounds like a situation that perhaps if you explained she could step up? If she just needs someone to be there with her in case something happens when you are at work that could really use it. Are there any other neighbors or relatives ( aunts, uncles, cousins ) that could sit with her? How about a pastor or church friends? Maybe even some type of home health care ( not sure if you have that kind of think in england )?
Either way, you are doing all you can so remember that.
Either way, you are doing all you can so remember that.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
. . . I've learned to detach and reflect, pray a little and go with what is right, not what I want.
I've told my boss that I might be late in as the Doc has asked me to take her blood pressure every day, and I want to make sure she's eaten and leave her some lunch.
. . . Thoughts anyone?
I've told my boss that I might be late in as the Doc has asked me to take her blood pressure every day, and I want to make sure she's eaten and leave her some lunch.
. . . Thoughts anyone?
Sometimes that is all we can do.
Take care of yourself as well as your mum.
I admire your courage
and your faith.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
wow Jeni, that's a lot for you to be absorbing all at once! my thoughts were that you've got more of a handle on this than you realize. the first part below is an awesome way to approach this and the second part is what i would call a plan!
the hard part is not being anxious. do you meditate? helps me so much to calm myself and all looks clearer. checking on mom, seeing that she's eating and just being your loving self will be very healing for your mom imho.
sending good thoughts. take care of you too.....
Originally Posted by Jeni26
When faced with difficult situations ......... I've learned to detach and reflect, pray a little and go with what is right, not what I want.
I just have no clue what to do here. I've told my boss that I might be late in as the Doc has asked me to take her blood pressure every day, and I want to make sure she's eaten and leave her some lunch.
I just have no clue what to do here. I've told my boss that I might be late in as the Doc has asked me to take her blood pressure every day, and I want to make sure she's eaten and leave her some lunch.
sending good thoughts. take care of you too.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
You're a good daughter, be assured of that :-)
As you're in the UK, like me, these are very practical suggestions. I find that taking action, as you have been, often eases any anxiety I'm experiencing...so here goes...
If your mum has any kind of support need, you're entitled to ask for a social care assessment. You need to phone either your county or district council social care line. This is particularly with you as a her main carer; which you are and as you've had to move back in temporarily, the situation is sufficiently difficult to warrant help of some kind. They may not offer you any social care, but what they can do, is refer on to charities and voluntary groups, who can help you. They can help with things like installing care-line in case your mum falls, and can arrange regular calls to your mum, so that if she doesn't answer the phone, an alert will be raised.
AGE UK, who are nationwide, are also a really good port of call, as they may have befriending schemes, which overcome some of the issue of your mum alone all day in her home, and can depending on what they are funded to do, offer advice around any benefits your mum, or you as her carer, may be entitled to. What benefits do, in the absence of a social care package, is give the individual the option to spend that money on help at home, help with shopping, paid for company (that sounds terrible! But you know what I mean) which can ease the responsibility you're bearing on your own.
If you're anything like me, the idea of taking time out of work, even to do really necessary stuff (which this is) raises anxiety. But it is for a good reason - to get your mum on an even keel, and to help her establish her independence after the loss of her husband/your dad. And even though it's new term time, this is legitimate and needed, and you're entitled to reasonable time off to sort it. Most decent places of work will understand.
If you're having any trouble finding numbers to call, let me know where you are, and I'll help if I can.
Remember to take care of you too :-)
As you're in the UK, like me, these are very practical suggestions. I find that taking action, as you have been, often eases any anxiety I'm experiencing...so here goes...
If your mum has any kind of support need, you're entitled to ask for a social care assessment. You need to phone either your county or district council social care line. This is particularly with you as a her main carer; which you are and as you've had to move back in temporarily, the situation is sufficiently difficult to warrant help of some kind. They may not offer you any social care, but what they can do, is refer on to charities and voluntary groups, who can help you. They can help with things like installing care-line in case your mum falls, and can arrange regular calls to your mum, so that if she doesn't answer the phone, an alert will be raised.
AGE UK, who are nationwide, are also a really good port of call, as they may have befriending schemes, which overcome some of the issue of your mum alone all day in her home, and can depending on what they are funded to do, offer advice around any benefits your mum, or you as her carer, may be entitled to. What benefits do, in the absence of a social care package, is give the individual the option to spend that money on help at home, help with shopping, paid for company (that sounds terrible! But you know what I mean) which can ease the responsibility you're bearing on your own.
If you're anything like me, the idea of taking time out of work, even to do really necessary stuff (which this is) raises anxiety. But it is for a good reason - to get your mum on an even keel, and to help her establish her independence after the loss of her husband/your dad. And even though it's new term time, this is legitimate and needed, and you're entitled to reasonable time off to sort it. Most decent places of work will understand.
If you're having any trouble finding numbers to call, let me know where you are, and I'll help if I can.
Remember to take care of you too :-)
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Hi Jeni -- I'm sorry you're going through this. It does sound very difficult.
I agree with Pipefish -- I think you should take a little emergency time off work, not indefinite, to get some daytime care for your mother -- from as many sources as you can draw in. The social care agencies & everything Pipeline described sound excellent, depending on your mom's religious involvement her church might be another, and depending on your funds, I always think a young, trustworthy "helper", maybe a student in nursing, is a cheerful addition for a few hours a week to an ill person's life.
Although your presentation and all the other professional jobs you do would undoubtedly be done better if you did them, most schools have systems for replacing people who have to take unexpected leaves. Maybe it's best if it happens at the start of the year, before the children get set in their ways with you -- you can make your start when your mom is settled, just a little later than expected.
I know you'll get through this doing the right thing -- one little thing at a time. Just slow it down, and remember to set aside some relaxation time every day for you alone.
I agree with Pipefish -- I think you should take a little emergency time off work, not indefinite, to get some daytime care for your mother -- from as many sources as you can draw in. The social care agencies & everything Pipeline described sound excellent, depending on your mom's religious involvement her church might be another, and depending on your funds, I always think a young, trustworthy "helper", maybe a student in nursing, is a cheerful addition for a few hours a week to an ill person's life.
Although your presentation and all the other professional jobs you do would undoubtedly be done better if you did them, most schools have systems for replacing people who have to take unexpected leaves. Maybe it's best if it happens at the start of the year, before the children get set in their ways with you -- you can make your start when your mom is settled, just a little later than expected.
I know you'll get through this doing the right thing -- one little thing at a time. Just slow it down, and remember to set aside some relaxation time every day for you alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Jeni - its so nice you are enjoying the relationship with your mum.
I think the nerves and anxiety are normal.
But it is a lot to shoulder on your own.
Is there anyone else who could keep an eye out too - a neighbour, a friend?
You can't be there 24/7 and I am sure your mum would not want or expect that of you either, especially if she has lived alone for a while.
Perhaps cooking some meals for the freezer and fridge could help her?
Having a panic button/necklace/alarm type thing she can press if she does fall would help subside your fears too.
You can ring her frequently as well too hopefully to check things are okay maybe?
Perhaps sharing with her your concerns might help.
I think that also opening up a conversation with your sister about your worries and concerns would also help.
I know in my family, with my grandma, talk and actions with her children about her decline happened when a crisis happened.
I often think if discussions had happened before, the transitions she had to make into looked after care, might not have been as difficult for her as they have been.
I wish you the best and I am thinking of you xx
I think the nerves and anxiety are normal.
But it is a lot to shoulder on your own.
Is there anyone else who could keep an eye out too - a neighbour, a friend?
You can't be there 24/7 and I am sure your mum would not want or expect that of you either, especially if she has lived alone for a while.
Perhaps cooking some meals for the freezer and fridge could help her?
Having a panic button/necklace/alarm type thing she can press if she does fall would help subside your fears too.
You can ring her frequently as well too hopefully to check things are okay maybe?
Perhaps sharing with her your concerns might help.
I think that also opening up a conversation with your sister about your worries and concerns would also help.
I know in my family, with my grandma, talk and actions with her children about her decline happened when a crisis happened.
I often think if discussions had happened before, the transitions she had to make into looked after care, might not have been as difficult for her as they have been.
I wish you the best and I am thinking of you xx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
I think you're a great daughter Jeni...but like others have said there's a whole range of options for help out there.
It's not like you have to choose between your job and your mum - even tho it might feel like that now
D
It's not like you have to choose between your job and your mum - even tho it might feel like that now
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thank you all so much for your kindness. She seems a bit brighter today so I'm going into work a bit later and will come home early. She has my number so can call me if she needs me to come home. I've left her breakfast and lunch and will phone her at lunchtime.
This seems like a good compromise.
Sorry, I realise this isn't recovery related. I just needed to talk amongst friends xx
This seems like a good compromise.
Sorry, I realise this isn't recovery related. I just needed to talk amongst friends xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,480
Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry that your mum is going through this.
And I understand how hard this is for you.
I truly hope your boss is compassionate and understanding, but my immediate thought is to get a carer in to look after her when you can't be there. Is this doable?
I hope so. You need some help here.
Sending love to you and your mum, and sending prayers that she will be alright. ♥
And I understand how hard this is for you.
I truly hope your boss is compassionate and understanding, but my immediate thought is to get a carer in to look after her when you can't be there. Is this doable?
I hope so. You need some help here.
Sending love to you and your mum, and sending prayers that she will be alright. ♥
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
oh Jeni, of course it's recovery related.
it's stressful, it's challenging, it's meant great change in your living situation...all these things and more.
when i first got sober, i thought that was it. it was somehow a separate and self-contained area.
it's turned out to be nothing like that
since i'm an alcoholic, i cannot somehow detach "the rest of my life" from my alcoholism or recovery.
it's stressful, it's challenging, it's meant great change in your living situation...all these things and more.
when i first got sober, i thought that was it. it was somehow a separate and self-contained area.
it's turned out to be nothing like that
since i'm an alcoholic, i cannot somehow detach "the rest of my life" from my alcoholism or recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
She seems a lot brighter today. I think eating and resting are paying off. I went into work a bit later and left early and she was just fine. I am still staying with her and will see how we go over the weekend.
I'm so tired tonight. Think it's the relief washing over me.
Sometimes it's just a build up of stuff isn't it? My H is drinking and I'm coming to terms with that, my beautiful cat isn't well and I'm wondering whether she has dementia (she's 17), and I'm trying to juggle everything. Oh and I'm on a sugar detox and all the usual things I use to 'help' me along the way like alcohol, cigarettes and chocolate are no longer options.
I guess I'm stronger than I think sometimes. 😊
I'm so tired tonight. Think it's the relief washing over me.
Sometimes it's just a build up of stuff isn't it? My H is drinking and I'm coming to terms with that, my beautiful cat isn't well and I'm wondering whether she has dementia (she's 17), and I'm trying to juggle everything. Oh and I'm on a sugar detox and all the usual things I use to 'help' me along the way like alcohol, cigarettes and chocolate are no longer options.
I guess I'm stronger than I think sometimes. 😊
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Norfolk, MA
Posts: 792
A SUGAR DETOX????
Oh, Jeni...there is a limit to how much one can bear...!
Dear Jeni,
What a life you are leading at present! All of the suggestions you've been given are helpful and thoughtful, but I know sometimes you just want to know that someone hears you, especially when you are stuck in the quicksand. It makes me think of those gusts of wind that blow a bunch of autumn leaves around. It's pretty but chaotic and we are always glad when the leaves just settle.
I hear you, Jeni.
Oh, Jeni...there is a limit to how much one can bear...!
Dear Jeni,
What a life you are leading at present! All of the suggestions you've been given are helpful and thoughtful, but I know sometimes you just want to know that someone hears you, especially when you are stuck in the quicksand. It makes me think of those gusts of wind that blow a bunch of autumn leaves around. It's pretty but chaotic and we are always glad when the leaves just settle.
I hear you, Jeni.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Oh Melissa, you are so lovely. Thank you.
I've left her on her own tonight and come home just to let them know here they still have a Mum/wife knocking about...😊
I will be back with her tomorrow. She seems much better thankfully.
I've left her on her own tonight and come home just to let them know here they still have a Mum/wife knocking about...😊
I will be back with her tomorrow. She seems much better thankfully.
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