Having the decision made for me
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
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Having the decision made for me
I'm in a depressed mood tonight, and in an odd head space. Reading all the posts here with people saying things like, "If I pick up, I know where it will lead," and there are all sorts of scenarios-- many of which I have also lived-- involving reprehensible behavior, not remembering, binging, acting a fool, hurting loved ones, hurting ourselves, and so forth. And it all sounds so open-ended, as though all those things, if not great ideas, might still be possible.
In my case, though, I can't say that I feel as though drinking might lead me down any path with a distant, if crushing, future. I know that if I take a drink tonight it will be like drinking poison, setting my pancreatitis back into motion, causing extreme pain and possibly death.
In a weird and perverse way, I feel cheated of the decision to quit. Life has made the decision for me. With all of this, I think, it should be easier, I should be able to just say, "Ok, that's it then, isn't it? There's no looking back. Time to just carry on, then."
The thing is, that's such a strange place for me to be. I've always had so may "yets" in front of me, or so I thought, and along comes one illness that takes me to my knees and takes every power of decision out of my hands. I literally have no choice, if I'm going to survive, and my head knows that it's a blessing but the AV doesn't want to be blessed in that way. My AV is completely insane and still wants to drink.
This doesn't just feel final, it IS final. It's serious. Tonight I'm having some trouble accepting it all, but I'm grateful to be alive. Thanks for listening.
In my case, though, I can't say that I feel as though drinking might lead me down any path with a distant, if crushing, future. I know that if I take a drink tonight it will be like drinking poison, setting my pancreatitis back into motion, causing extreme pain and possibly death.
In a weird and perverse way, I feel cheated of the decision to quit. Life has made the decision for me. With all of this, I think, it should be easier, I should be able to just say, "Ok, that's it then, isn't it? There's no looking back. Time to just carry on, then."
The thing is, that's such a strange place for me to be. I've always had so may "yets" in front of me, or so I thought, and along comes one illness that takes me to my knees and takes every power of decision out of my hands. I literally have no choice, if I'm going to survive, and my head knows that it's a blessing but the AV doesn't want to be blessed in that way. My AV is completely insane and still wants to drink.
This doesn't just feel final, it IS final. It's serious. Tonight I'm having some trouble accepting it all, but I'm grateful to be alive. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I understand Retread. For other reasons, I too feel as if life impacting decisions have been made for me without my consent, decisions made by just plain life itself I guess. And it is sad and makes one feel as if some freedom has been lost.
I think you have the fortitude to gather your strength and resources, SR being one of them- and see yourself through to a better place. You do still have a chance. Have you read Robby Robot's threads? He is very inspirational. I actually think of him from time to time in regards to his "Authenticity" thread. What sticks for me and that I have been trying to keep is that we are who we are at heart regardless of our physical circumstances. For me that means retaining a sense of humor. It really helps to know that I can always laugh and that hopefully, sometimes, others will with me. What does it mean for you?
I think you have the fortitude to gather your strength and resources, SR being one of them- and see yourself through to a better place. You do still have a chance. Have you read Robby Robot's threads? He is very inspirational. I actually think of him from time to time in regards to his "Authenticity" thread. What sticks for me and that I have been trying to keep is that we are who we are at heart regardless of our physical circumstances. For me that means retaining a sense of humor. It really helps to know that I can always laugh and that hopefully, sometimes, others will with me. What does it mean for you?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
That's a very good question, Sleepie. I've been battling with myself on a number of fronts. I'm unhappy with my job, unhappy with my job skills, unhappy with my marriage, unhappy with any number of things and certainly unhappy with some of the behaviors I've engaged in while drinking. I think it's going to take me a little bit of time to figure out who I even am without alcohol and how to be the person I want to be. At my age, it's hard to start over with certain things. It makes the future seem bleak, with or without the drinking.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi Retread
I was insane for a long time. Even when I was sober I was still insane.
Even tho it nearly killed me, I saw drinking as a right that had been ripped away from me, a source of pleasure lost - if only I could work out how not to drinking too much...
Sobriety was, I felt sure, an deprived and onerous way of life.
A few months in, and my perceptions began to change...I began to remember the man I used to be...
Sobriety became a preferred option, a gift. Not something to endure but something to give thanks for.
In time, you'll hear a lot less from your AV, I think
D
I was insane for a long time. Even when I was sober I was still insane.
Even tho it nearly killed me, I saw drinking as a right that had been ripped away from me, a source of pleasure lost - if only I could work out how not to drinking too much...
Sobriety was, I felt sure, an deprived and onerous way of life.
A few months in, and my perceptions began to change...I began to remember the man I used to be...
Sobriety became a preferred option, a gift. Not something to endure but something to give thanks for.
In time, you'll hear a lot less from your AV, I think
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
That's all really tough stuff. Give yourself the time and patience to find out, you owe it to yourself. It's really cliche, but better late than never.
I am glad you are here with us as you embark on this.
And we are here for you
I am glad you are here with us as you embark on this.
And we are here for you
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Give yourself some time to accept it. When I quit it didn't feel like a choice either. It was more of a reaction to primal fear. As scared as I was of going over the cliff my AV was unrelenting. I remember being hit by cravings so hard I would sit in the bathtub at night rocking back an forth. Most of the time I was worried I wasn't going to make it. I did. I also learned not only to accept it but to be very glad my drinking days were behind me.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Thanks, everyone. I realize I'm on a pity-party of one (table's ready!) but these are just the things going through my head and I'm dumping them here because there's really no place else for me to go with them. I know it will get better, though.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Getting those thoughts out on the table is good, glad you have come here to do so. The whole idea of "its not fair that I"m an alcoholic" probably goes through all of our minds at some point.
One of the things that helps me with that concept is that even though it's not "fair", I have 100% control over the outcome. Alcoholism can only destroy my life if I drink, and I have the choice to drink or not. Think of all of the worldly afflictions like disease, violence, others that are also "not fair" but that the afflicted have absolutely no choice in the matter.
One of the things that helps me with that concept is that even though it's not "fair", I have 100% control over the outcome. Alcoholism can only destroy my life if I drink, and I have the choice to drink or not. Think of all of the worldly afflictions like disease, violence, others that are also "not fair" but that the afflicted have absolutely no choice in the matter.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
It's not necessarily dumping, its sharing , a lot of people read through these posts and you helped someone to not feel so alone, I can almost guarantee it.
And I'm a big believer in 'making a better mindset' , battling the AV is such a mindgame, we need to stack the deck in our favor sometimes.
If you feel cheated out of the decision to quit, adopt the pov that you are completely in the drivers' seat of the decision to stay quit. Rootin for ya
And I'm a big believer in 'making a better mindset' , battling the AV is such a mindgame, we need to stack the deck in our favor sometimes.
If you feel cheated out of the decision to quit, adopt the pov that you are completely in the drivers' seat of the decision to stay quit. Rootin for ya
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi Retread
I was insane for a long time. Even when I was sober I was still insane.
Even tho it nearly killed me, I saw drinking as a right that had been ripped away from me, a source of pleasure lost - if only I could work out how not to drinking too much...
I was insane for a long time. Even when I was sober I was still insane.
Even tho it nearly killed me, I saw drinking as a right that had been ripped away from me, a source of pleasure lost - if only I could work out how not to drinking too much...
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I understand where you're coming from... I don't have any serious illnesses, but I was getting very, very sick from alcohol. I did have to quit -- I couldn't function anymore. I was vomiting daily, sometimes blood; I was mentally all over the place; I was nauseous and sick-looking at all times; I had terrifying panic attacks and shakes when I tried quitting. I meet people who drank daily for fifty years and I'm amazed... I went 0mph to 100mph in about 10 years. I couldn't survive another year like that, let alone 40 more.
I'm grateful for it though. The level of physical destruction I hit is making this quit different than the other times, when it was more of a choice. Not easier necessarily, but I'm way more committed this time. I know that if I relapse, I won't be able to hide it anymore. No more drinking on the sly... I know now that I'll go right back to being a physical wreck, and there goes the support that I currently have from my family.
It's scary but it's taking my efforts to the next level. But yeah. I wish I'd managed to do it back when it was a choice rather than a necessity. I'm with you on that.
I'm grateful for it though. The level of physical destruction I hit is making this quit different than the other times, when it was more of a choice. Not easier necessarily, but I'm way more committed this time. I know that if I relapse, I won't be able to hide it anymore. No more drinking on the sly... I know now that I'll go right back to being a physical wreck, and there goes the support that I currently have from my family.
It's scary but it's taking my efforts to the next level. But yeah. I wish I'd managed to do it back when it was a choice rather than a necessity. I'm with you on that.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Hi Retread1959!
If 1959 is your birth year then we are the same age! And the other thing we have in common would be the fact that I, too, was forced to make a choice due to bad liver test results.
I will spare you all the angry, mad, fist shaking, sulking, why me details and instead share with you that after all of those exhausting, futile emotions I knew that, even though this "choice" was being forced on me, I could and I would make it my own decision. I thought long and hard about what my future would be if I chose to keep drinking. I thought about how angry I would be at myself if I ended up dying because of drinking. I know I will die of something
but I do not want it to be from something I could have prevented if only I had of made the right choice when I was given the chance.
I changed my point of view from "but I'm not ready" to "thank God I have been given a heads up" before things went seriously south.
The way I see it my choice was to continue drinking until it killed me or stop now and have a shot at, hopefully, several more years of life. That became my choice. Not a choice forced on me by a doctor's opinion or a bad test result. Completely my choice.
I hope you will find your way to owning your own choice to live sober. Because it really is your choice, drink and die or stop and live.
And I say that with compassion and hope for you, (((Retread)))
If 1959 is your birth year then we are the same age! And the other thing we have in common would be the fact that I, too, was forced to make a choice due to bad liver test results.
I will spare you all the angry, mad, fist shaking, sulking, why me details and instead share with you that after all of those exhausting, futile emotions I knew that, even though this "choice" was being forced on me, I could and I would make it my own decision. I thought long and hard about what my future would be if I chose to keep drinking. I thought about how angry I would be at myself if I ended up dying because of drinking. I know I will die of something
but I do not want it to be from something I could have prevented if only I had of made the right choice when I was given the chance.I changed my point of view from "but I'm not ready" to "thank God I have been given a heads up" before things went seriously south.
The way I see it my choice was to continue drinking until it killed me or stop now and have a shot at, hopefully, several more years of life. That became my choice. Not a choice forced on me by a doctor's opinion or a bad test result. Completely my choice.
I hope you will find your way to owning your own choice to live sober. Because it really is your choice, drink and die or stop and live.
And I say that with compassion and hope for you, (((Retread)))
Last edited by 2ndhandrose; 09-02-2015 at 08:57 AM. Reason: spelling police
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Posts: 277
Thank you. Yes, 1959 is my birth year. Great year to be born.
I appreciate hearing your experience and perspective. These are the very early days for me and I have not quite fully accepted the situation at this point. I know I not only can and will accept it, but I can and will embrace it. This is just going to take time.
This morning I want to make a list of things I can do during this week that I am off. I've just recently begun horseback riding and I want to start looking into different stables in this area with the idea of leasing or boarding a horse that I can learn on. I need to go to the lab for a blood draw to see how the pancreas is doing and I think I will map out a plan for the day to visit a few stables and get some information about horses for lease. It's probably premature since I need to get my car paid off, but I have the time to look around now, so why not?
I appreciate hearing your experience and perspective. These are the very early days for me and I have not quite fully accepted the situation at this point. I know I not only can and will accept it, but I can and will embrace it. This is just going to take time.
This morning I want to make a list of things I can do during this week that I am off. I've just recently begun horseback riding and I want to start looking into different stables in this area with the idea of leasing or boarding a horse that I can learn on. I need to go to the lab for a blood draw to see how the pancreas is doing and I think I will map out a plan for the day to visit a few stables and get some information about horses for lease. It's probably premature since I need to get my car paid off, but I have the time to look around now, so why not?
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
You are an adult, Retread, and you get to choose what you do. As an adult, it would only seem reasonable that you stop behaviours that are killing you - that is what adults actually do, after all. And you are perfectly correct, it is not you but your AV that is telling you that since you are an adult you are entitled to behave like a child. That has AV written all over it.
You have many choices to make ahead of you, Retread, and it is only by having made the decision regarding the continued use of alcohol that you have these options open. The fact that you have quit drinking and conquered this addiction means that you can accomplish so much more - you have what it takes. And you get to decide, you get to choose, what these things shall be. You can throw yourself, your new self, at anything you choose - horseback riding sounds like a winner! Onward!
You have many choices to make ahead of you, Retread, and it is only by having made the decision regarding the continued use of alcohol that you have these options open. The fact that you have quit drinking and conquered this addiction means that you can accomplish so much more - you have what it takes. And you get to decide, you get to choose, what these things shall be. You can throw yourself, your new self, at anything you choose - horseback riding sounds like a winner! Onward!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
great post!
I was not ready to quit drinking or was i? I had bad panic attacks i tried quiting smoking but that didnt work so i started smoking again then I thought welp i guess i could try quiting drinking ::shudder:: the horror of the thought. I really didnt wanna quit. I figured I'd just give it a whirl and if it didnt work out I'd just go back to drinking because the thought of dealing with life without booze was terrifying and why would I not ever drink again? wheres the fun in that? whats next taking up knitting or something? But when i quit the panic subsided things started to get better even tho for a good while i still was not ready to be sober and still felt damned if i do damned if i dont.
I never thought of quiting as a forever thing tho. forever just seemed so "finite" and honestly kinda scary! now adays tho it doesnt seem like a big deal to say i'll never drink again. but then it sure was. I guess I had to grow into it per say one day at a time.
I was not ready to quit drinking or was i? I had bad panic attacks i tried quiting smoking but that didnt work so i started smoking again
then I thought welp i guess i could try quiting drinking ::shudder:: the horror of the thought. I really didnt wanna quit. I figured I'd just give it a whirl and if it didnt work out I'd just go back to drinking because the thought of dealing with life without booze was terrifying and why would I not ever drink again? wheres the fun in that? whats next taking up knitting or something? But when i quit the panic subsided things started to get better even tho for a good while i still was not ready to be sober and still felt damned if i do damned if i dont. I never thought of quiting as a forever thing tho. forever just seemed so "finite" and honestly kinda scary! now adays tho it doesnt seem like a big deal to say i'll never drink again. but then it sure was. I guess I had to grow into it per say one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 651
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Getting those thoughts out on the table is good, glad you have come here to do so. The whole idea of "its not fair that I"m an alcoholic" probably goes through all of our minds at some point.
One of the things that helps me with that concept is that even though it's not "fair", I have 100% control over the outcome. Alcoholism can only destroy my life if I drink, and I have the choice to drink or not. Think of all of the worldly afflictions like disease, violence, others that are also "not fair" but that the afflicted have absolutely no choice in the matter.
One of the things that helps me with that concept is that even though it's not "fair", I have 100% control over the outcome. Alcoholism can only destroy my life if I drink, and I have the choice to drink or not. Think of all of the worldly afflictions like disease, violence, others that are also "not fair" but that the afflicted have absolutely no choice in the matter.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Originally Posted by fantail
I understand where you're coming from... I don't have any serious illnesses, but I was getting very, very sick from alcohol. I did have to quit -- I couldn't function anymore. I was vomiting daily, sometimes blood; I was mentally all over the place; I was nauseous and sick-looking at all times; I had terrifying panic attacks and shakes when I tried quitting. I meet people who drank daily for fifty years and I'm amazed... I went 0mph to 100mph in about 10 years. I couldn't survive another year like that, let alone 40 more.
I'm grateful for it though. The level of physical destruction I hit is making this quit different than the other times, when it was more of a choice. Not easier necessarily, but I'm way more committed this time. I know that if I relapse, I won't be able to hide it anymore. No more drinking on the sly... I know now that I'll go right back to being a physical wreck, and there goes the support that I currently have from my family.
It's scary but it's taking my efforts to the next level. But yeah. I wish I'd managed to do it back when it was a choice rather than a necessity. I'm with you on that.
I'm grateful for it though. The level of physical destruction I hit is making this quit different than the other times, when it was more of a choice. Not easier necessarily, but I'm way more committed this time. I know that if I relapse, I won't be able to hide it anymore. No more drinking on the sly... I know now that I'll go right back to being a physical wreck, and there goes the support that I currently have from my family.
It's scary but it's taking my efforts to the next level. But yeah. I wish I'd managed to do it back when it was a choice rather than a necessity. I'm with you on that.
I came to that fork in the road. Either quit or go all in because I had lost any desire to control it. I couldn't handle it as it was, God forbid it actually gets worse. It finally became real to me what I was dealing with. With alcoholism it can always get worse. I don't have to worry about that anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Today has been a much better day. I am on vacation, so ran some errands to keep busy. Ran into an old AA friend who was very happy that I'm back on the wagon and we talked a bit about what a blessing it is to have the decision made. There are no ifs, ands or buts.
Thought about going out for seafood at lunchtime but the place I wanted to go serves wine and I thought I'd feel deprived if I went there and just had water. So I deprived myself of a good seafood meal instead. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a bit stronger in that way. Thank you to everyone for your kindness and wisdom. I feel very cared for here at SR and that helps so much.
Thought about going out for seafood at lunchtime but the place I wanted to go serves wine and I thought I'd feel deprived if I went there and just had water. So I deprived myself of a good seafood meal instead. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a bit stronger in that way. Thank you to everyone for your kindness and wisdom. I feel very cared for here at SR and that helps so much.
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