birdygal78

Hello friends! It's been almost a year since I started to try to get sober (yet I only have 8 days sober...). I wrote a letter of apology to one of my biggest supporters last night and gave it to them. We have zero free time to meet up and give them a sincere apology face to face. I never heard anything from him since then. Anyone ever been in this situation before? Should I have not done that?

Dee74

Hi and welcome back birdygal

Everyones different - he may not have appreciated it, sure...or maybe he's thinking of what to say in reply, he may not have read it yet - who knows?

I generally think that if I had to make an amends to someone I'd need to do it in person but that's me.

The thing is - you sent it...so worrying about it now is kinda futile?

D

silentrun

Congratulations on 8 days. If they are one of your biggest supports it probably what the want more than anything is for you to make it. Put on your effort into that for now,

Soberwolf

Welcome back its good your trying to apoligise I had this problem some ppl wernt ready for it & some ppl forgave me on the spot

in time things will get so much better but you gotta stick with it

Get that 'no matter what' attitude going

birdygal78

Thanks guys. I wish I could've told him face to face but that's not possible right now. But it just stings a little. Last year on my first month sober I gave him a thank you letter expressing how incredibly grateful I was for his help and after he read it, he got back to me thanking me for the letter and how moved he was. I'm not looking for the same reaction or anything, but I would like some sort of acknowledgment.
I know he's probably frustrated with me and my constant relapses.

IOAA2

Hi. In todays society an apology is an “I’m sorry” because ……………
If sincere it’s off your chest. There may be no response from the other party, it may be their pondering time or not accepted, we have no control over that.

For me there were so many apologies to those close to me that I feel they were like vapor, meaningless. What worked was positive action which started with being sober.

BE WELL

zjw

well I thnk its pretty cool that your writing these letters. its very considerate and kind. But sometimes in situations like this how should I say it. I think the act of writing the letter has to be a gift from you to them. and by gift I mean we have to kind of not expect anything in response. More like hey i wanted to give this bit of me to you and I dont require anything in return.

Thats how I try and look at it. this way they are free to do what they wish and I can feel good about having done the right thing etc..

Congrats on the 8 days!

birdygal78

I see where you're coming from, zjw... I'm working on not worrying about it anymore. I've said to him what I wanted to say, and he can do with it what he wants. I may never get a response from him and that's fine, I'm starting to not care about it either way anymore.
I have a tendency to push people away that I feel like are starting to push me away. I think that's what I'm doing now.

Soberwolf

How are you today Birdygal

sg1970

He probably is frustrated and doesn't know what to say. The best apology you could give would be some sober time. Perhaps focus on yourself and find sobriety and then start to mend fences.

fantail

I wouldn't worry too much yet... time moves very slowly after you've sent a letter like that, but for the recipient time moves as normal. "Make lunch, catch the train, read letter -- oh wait, no check email instead, morning meeting, paperwork, read the letter at lunch? no, chat with coworkers..."

BeanSkillet

I'm dealing with something similar right now so I can feel your frustration. On Sunday when I was drunk I ended up making a jerk out of myself and sent some embarrassing texts to my ex girlfriend, the mother of my daughter. I basically bashed her choice in a new partner, probably out of jealously. I woke up horrified the next day and have been repeatedly apologizing to her through texts and a hand written letter I left on her doorstep. She has completely shunned my over the last few days and wont return my calls.

If I wouldn't have gotten drunk it never would have happened. But at this point, I've apologized and there's nothing else I can do about it other than change the way I treat her in the future. I was wrong, no doubt, but I can't change anything I've done. If she wont accept my apology then I have no control over that. Still, it's very hard.

I say good for you for making an effort at apologizing. It can be hard to apologize, and even harder when you know the person may not even care about your apology. But it's beyond your control at this point.

birdygal78

We have a group thing this weekend so I'm a little nervous for that, but each day that goes by, it gets easier and easier to not care about him and the letter. So if he avoids me this weekend, so be it. I can't control anything.
He is a reason I drink, and a reason I don't drink. As confusing as that sounds... I've known him for about 11 years and I've always looked up to him and always wanted his approval. In the past year, if I felt like I wasn't getting the approval I was desperately seeking, I'd say **** it, and go drink. But he also keeps me sober. I'm proud of myself because this time I'm staying sober for me. I don't want to drink as an "f you" to him. Slowly detaching myself from him is probably the best thing I can do.
Thank you everyone for all the responses. This place is starting to feel a lot like home

Gottalife

There is no kind of comfortable answer to this one. Apologies don't tend to mean very much to people who have heard it all a thousand times before. They will be much more interested in a demonstration of our changed behaviour.

This may mean we hold off for a while until we have some track record in sobriety and can really show we have changed our ways. Which of these might mean more to you.

1) txt: Sorry I was such a fool last night mate. Didn't mean to be sick on your new couch. Hope the wife didn,t have too much trouble cleaning it up. Cheers, see you next week.

2) Face to face. I wanted to see you because I have been behaving very badly towards you and your family. The truth is I am an alcoholic and it seems every time I drink I lose control and do really stupid and hurtful things.

I now realise I can never drink safely and so am doing everything I can to stop for good and never repeat that behaviour. Part of that is I need to do my best to repair the damage my past actions have caused. If I dont do this I may not overcome drinking.

So I m here to ask you forgiveness for the things I did and ask you what can I do to make it up to you. I know I damaged your new sofa. Could I pay to have it cleaned? What else could I do to make things right between us.

And then let the guy tell you what he thinks. 99% of the time a positive reaction will follow.

Motive is key here. An amends designed to make ourselves feel better never works. An amends to make the other guy feel better often has unexpected benefits for us.

birdygal78

Well I ended up avoiding him this weekend. I flaked last minute on the game we were all suppose to go to. I saw him for a brief second today. I don't care about a response from him anymore, but now I don't know why I'm avoiding him?... any thoughts on that one?

tomsteve

imo it should be:
hes an excuse i use to drink an an excuse why i dont.

you can spend your time all whacked out about this or you can work on you for you-stop making sobriety contingent on others. make it about you.
history here shows that works best.

birdygal78

Tomsteve... your wording was spot on! He's an excuse, not a reason!

I have given up on the letter. I don't think about it anymore, I don't care about it anymore.
Weird thing though... I am very uncomfortable around him all of a sudden. I cannot make eye contact and I avoid him to the point where I'll leave the room when he walks in. My stomach drops. I feel like I'm keeping a huge lie from him, but I'm not! I've stayed sober, no secrets.

Any thoughts on that one?! Lol.

birdygal78

Bump....

Please guys. Any opinions on this?

biminiblue

Well - why do you think you do it? We don't know you and you haven't really given us much about him in this thread.

Soldier on - every time you see him it will get easier. Expectations are not a good way to live life, though. All you can control is yourself. Time will make it better.

ScottFromWI

My opinion: You keep saying you don't care but then keep bringing it up as if you do. My suggestion would be to concentrate on your own sobriety....you cannot control the thoughts of others or their actions. If he wants to get back to you he will, and if he doesn't he wont...nothing you can do about that.