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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XII: "Rubik's Moo"

Old 07-21-2015, 08:36 PM
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Post Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XII: "Rubik's Moo"

Oh hello Kittens,

Is been long time, so is long post. Could very well be much wiser decision to read magazine or does crosswords puzzle instead of endure more tedious Cow ramblings, but here goes:

So, when last I leave you, I have unsustainable periods of sobriety, but ultimately fall deeper and deeper into very aggressive addiction, depression and anhednoia. I not can even say too much about this agonizing time, cuz is like try to speak Black Speech of Mordor. Is unspeakable. Was like “suicidal” depression, only I not suicidal, so was nowhere to go with it.

I relapse repeatedly. Lot of using. Insane assclown using. Thelma & Louise “let just drive this thing off cliff and be done with it” using. I was crossing every line in sand I say I never cross. Like it nothing. Not even speed bump. I in free fall. I had stop trying to quit. In fact, I just stopped. Period.

I been vanishing slowly for many years. Decades, actually. When is the vanishing become the vanished? When is the dying become the dead. Was it soon? Was it now? I floating through the days so absent and gossamer, surely was only matter of minutes, moments, that will simply be “poof” and I be gone.

But. I malingered.

I very isolated at this point, but was working with good therapist. She flat out tell me she feel is “zero percent chance” I quit without going in-patient. We pick out place that seem right for me. Was 6 week wait list, but we both agreed unless I can plug in, I not gonna get what I need from inpatient.

Next time I see therapist, I in really bad shape. I say, you know what, I not gonna make it 6 weeks. It have to be over now.

And so it was. I knew that moment felt different. I knew it was over. I was out.

But, since this Cow talking, of course was not any kind of fairy tale ending. Was not like climbing up from depths of Hell, clawing through fire and brimstone and finally, finally seeing ray of light as you reach surface. No, I crawl out of the hole, into the moonless black of night. (I pause now for you to weep.)

Yes, is better than Hell of addiction, but is brutally vacant and painful and lonely. And plus also, now I got bonus torment and grief over realization that entire adult life has been a sad vacuous waste.

Is like waking up from 35-year coma …and finding apocalypse happen while I asleep. Is just, nothing there. Not even me. ...Yet.

So is long road ahead. I wish to thank all at SR for you many kindnesses and wisdoms and the tough love and especially those who peak out from behind they walls to offer support over all this many Chapters. I not gonna lie, as a depress anhedonic, sometime you support mean nothing to me. But every once in a while, it mean everything.

Moo Mwah, Cow

PS. For those who wish to know more on my background, is on first post of first Chapter ...and is also ungodly verbose.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-mad-cow.html
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Old 07-21-2015, 08:42 PM
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I hope you'll see some green shoots poking through the rubble soon Cow Good to see you back

D
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Old 07-21-2015, 08:48 PM
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Hey jersey girl, a new thread cool , good for you
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Old 07-21-2015, 08:48 PM
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Cow, I am kind of new around here but I have read some of your posts and I think you and your writing are both quite brilliant.

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Old 07-21-2015, 08:56 PM
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Welcome back cow. Keep on keeping on with us.
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Old 07-21-2015, 08:59 PM
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Hi cow.
I haven't too much to offer.
However. I am the unfortunate owner of some very defective grey matter that alienates me from others and trips me up daily in various ways, all humiliating and defeating. I have a learning disorder. I didn't know until later in life.
I understand feeling alone, being alone, being different from others and the crushing experience of fighting your way through a world that you don't understand and that doesn't understand you. And no light at the end of the tunnel, no clouds parting after the journey.
For what it's worth.
You're not alone.
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Old 07-21-2015, 09:26 PM
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Cow!!! Gosh, I want to ramble on how much I miss your wit and writings and just your presence in whatever manner you feel like giving that day. That sounds so selfish of me. But really, that you realized that you needed immediate help says something. You didn't give in to your rationalizations to keep on going down that hole. I've been there when the hole seemed okay and why the hell not but sure enough one day it occurs to you that you want to be part of life. And for you, that has to mean something despite your anhednoia.

By the way, in this weird wacky level that we communicate within this forum,
you mean a lot to me.
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Old 07-21-2015, 11:12 PM
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everybody! Is good to see so many familiar fa.. avatars. And welcome Miss Rose. How is you guys going?

Ah, Sleepie, I sorry you brain is also leave you feeling defeated. I total understand. You not should feel humiliated though. Is it not show strength and courage that despite such challenges, you find a way to make it through every day. (Yeah I know, I take a normal brain over strength and courage platitudes any freaking day, but we has to tell our self some BS to keep going, yes?)

Puffy!!! Despite you overstuff cheeks, you not selfish, you delightful.

Litty Kittycat, good to see you, my shy little scamp.
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Old 07-21-2015, 11:20 PM
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Dear Cow. It's good to see you. I had feared the abyss had swallowed you. I hope you do go to inpatient. It was the best thing I ever did, I laughed a lot even though I cried lots too.

We shall persevere for a while longer, ok?

Love to you, my little heifer, xxoo Your crazy assed Lenina
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Old 07-21-2015, 11:42 PM
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Actually cow, the only thing that keeps me going at times is the hope that I outlive my abusers.
Some goal huh?
Glad you are still here.
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Old 07-22-2015, 12:37 AM
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It's wonderful to have you back, Cow. I'm sorry you've suffered so, but glad that you had that moment of clarity.
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Old 07-22-2015, 04:09 AM
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Great to see you here and sober, Cow!
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Old 07-22-2015, 04:33 AM
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I missed both you and your moosings, Cow. . .

I'm still pretty emotionally "flat" but finding a peaceful place in it of late.

Are in you inpatient right now, or finished with it?
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Old 07-22-2015, 05:33 AM
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Oops--"are you in *in-patient now, or have you finished it?"

*caffine-withdrawal dyslexia
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Old 07-22-2015, 06:32 AM
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Hey Cow,

I never participated in your threads before but often read parts of them. I am currently interested in exploring new connections and ways of being in my own life so I thought I would jump in here I have always liked your imagination; I know it's a sort of escape for you (like the drugs) but is also a strong positive asset in my view. So many people are afraid of using their fantasy life as a source of creating a life that matches our inner worlds... and yes of course for those of us who like to do this, it can turn out both as a fantastical journey that brings us closer to ourselves and a reality that is aligned with our imagination, and also an entrapping habit that isolates from reality (whatever "reality" is). I am very familiar with all this myself. Something else, Cow... you know, from my external view point, as much as I can see from writings, you actually do not appear emotionally flat or someone who is uninterested or unable to connect with the experiences of others, or your own experiences

I have similar question to Hawkeye. Are you in treatment now, or what is the status?
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Old 07-22-2015, 06:37 AM
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Cow, I'm relatively new here, but have read many of your post, and I think you are
so good at expressing your feelings in your unique "Cow" way.
I read your background post, and am so sorry you have had to deal with so much abuse and the problems that are a result of abuse. Life is a b$@;h sometimes.
You deserve better Cow.
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Old 07-22-2015, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by sleepie View Post
Actually cow, the only thing that keeps me going at times is the hope that I outlive my abusers.
Some goal huh?
Glad you are still here.
Sleepie I hear that. That was keeping me going for a short while but not anymore.

In that life would be and always would have been much easier if my mother wasn't around.

Of course she is thinking the same! And she is an extremely dangerous and manipulative narcissist.

A con artist. She does not have any feelings, she is 'literally the terminator'. She has wanted me out of the way for a long time.

Because I won't go along with her frauds, I stopped doing it once I became a teen, I started to loathe that B' to be honest.

So guess who is 'winning' in that regard? I have been an emotional wreck because of her and my father most of my life.

So thats not 'my goal' and wasn't for very long. It's not exactly based in love is it? Therefore it is damaging to me.


My only goal now is to make others aware, the relevant authorities, services, professionals because of my son. He's in danger

He is exactly like me. He wants to love and he wants to trust. He's had way to much contact with her already as it is, and now still.

I know exactly what will happen, when he gets older he will want to have a genuine relationship with her. She will deliberately pry into his life.

And he will feel sorry for her, he will share with her his hopes fears and dreams. And she will F'n destroy him as a result. I need some help with this.

His mother makes me jump through hoops and wants to control me while just letting them have a relationship with him. And she knows what she is doing.

I need to make people aware at least. Because its all a fight, fight, fight? Gaslighting F'n scumbags. After that I don't really want to live on this planet anymore.


Hey Cow I read your post about the 4th of July in the middle of the night last night and pmsl tbh. Be well!
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Old 07-22-2015, 07:05 AM
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I am so very sorry to hear of your struggles; it ripped me apart to read of it.

I am so very glad that you have escaped the abyss and hope that some light peeks through for you soon, dear Cow.
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Old 07-22-2015, 08:21 AM
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WooHoo Cow is back! I am so glad you screamed ENOUGH! Anything is better than giving up and freefalling right into the asphalt.
I know we have said this before to you but give it time. If there is a piece of advice I would give my newly quit self it would be try not to think too far ahead. Work on only what is directly in front of you and take it as is comes. I really could not have imagined were this was going to take me. To use your abyss analogy, don't look up, don't look down. Concentrate on keeping your grip on the rung you are on and carefully reach to the next one only when ready. It was a full year before I realized just how far I had fallen during my using days.

I'm glad you are back. I was on your first thread ever (first page of comments too). I had a feeling you were the kind of broad that could pull this off and even though it has taken you some time I still believe that to be the case.
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Old 07-22-2015, 08:44 AM
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Cow,
good to see you.

Yes, is better than Hell of addiction

wow. okay. stay with that!

entire adult life has been a sad vacuous waste.

Copw; dot go there right now. no point. and it's not true. you haven't HAD your entire adult life. Yet.
which is the good news.

vacant and painful and lonely.
sorry, Cow. slowly, this might change. it wouldn't have a chance at all, in active addiction.

very glad to see you.
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