Authenticity VI
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Dear Robby and Melissa, I am writing this with tears flowing down my face. Your obvious love and devotion to each other is unparalleled and that is why dealing with your (temporary, in my beliefs) separation is so difficult. I know many people, unfortunately, that I think secretly hope that their life partner will die because they are both so miserable in their relationship. You have experienced a romantic love this is incredibly rare and beautiful and that is why your separation is going to be particularly hard. But just like choosing the difficult road to sobriety and knowing the difference between the two lives of drunk versus sober, would you have it any other way?
I want to thank you. It is so easy to get caught up in petty annoyances with my spouse when life is going along "normally". It is so easy to take my husband for granted. You both have renewed my deep awe and gratitude for the blessing of my marriage. Like you both, I have found true love and connection and commitment that I realize is rare and precious. I also realize that because it is so rare and beautiful, separation is going to be incredibly, intensely devastating, but I am still incredibly grateful to have the experience of true love and devotion. It's that dam8ned double edged sword that gets us every time.
You are in my daily prayers.
I want to thank you. It is so easy to get caught up in petty annoyances with my spouse when life is going along "normally". It is so easy to take my husband for granted. You both have renewed my deep awe and gratitude for the blessing of my marriage. Like you both, I have found true love and connection and commitment that I realize is rare and precious. I also realize that because it is so rare and beautiful, separation is going to be incredibly, intensely devastating, but I am still incredibly grateful to have the experience of true love and devotion. It's that dam8ned double edged sword that gets us every time.
You are in my daily prayers.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Robby if i had just 1% of what makes you, you... id be a much better person, reading your recent posts just now i understood completely you even made me laugh a few times 'i know how to use google, yeah' i love the way you post ..... your posts have uplifted me with what im going through and i think that says it all when i talk about what makes you, you
Its a privledge & a pleasure to be in your company
Really hope the radiotherapy brings pain relief & hopefully there wont be too much nausea when my mum did chemo the one thing she didnt experience all that much was nausea so i hope this is the same for you too
Hope your book is underway
Thank you Robby for just being you, you have helped me massively today
Its a privledge & a pleasure to be in your company
Really hope the radiotherapy brings pain relief & hopefully there wont be too much nausea when my mum did chemo the one thing she didnt experience all that much was nausea so i hope this is the same for you too
Hope your book is underway
Thank you Robby for just being you, you have helped me massively today
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot 
Experiences shared from others lives is what we are looking for...about how even in the most grim circumstances people...can even flourish beyond the wildest expectations and be real time happy and content even when all around themselves are lousy circumstances.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
My grandmother died 9/11/2001......from cancer. I can remember my mother saying she waited till then so that her sisters who were scattered across the country could not fly home and make a fuss. Knowing her that is exactly what she did. She was my very best friend and always will be. I still think of her every day. I still cry but I still talk to her and I still feel like she is with me. I guess what I am saying is when you have something so special it's never really gone. I haven't had any earth shattering moments of tangible proof she is there. I just know and that's enough. Also I hate cancer. Xoxo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Robby and Melissa - I'm so sorry I haven't posted much, but just got back from MN. I still have no clue where Ottowa is in relationship to where I was but I did send waves and kisses in the direction of Canada.
I'm glad I read through all the pages as I would have probably been one to offer suggestions.
I can share my ES&H. I was not there in my mom's final days. I have spoken to her ever since, as my belief is that she hears me. I told her I really didn't think I could go on. She was my mom and my best friend, couldn't she just take me with her?
I did go on and I did go through all the stages of grief. My mom loves butterflies and they seem to always be around me when I am having a hard time, or having a great day.
Due to my experience I was able to help many families when I was still a nurse deal with the death of their loved ones.
I was there for my grandmother and my loved ones who died of alzheimers. It was heartbreaking, but I didn't want them to suffer any more.
I admire you both that you are doing what feels right for you. There is no wrong or right. My friend who died in Dec., her wife is just now getting hit with the reality (our brain protects us from dealing with it all at once) and I will be going to see her very soon.
My only suggestion is keep doing what is right for both of you. You're not one to be forced into something that isn't right for both of you.
I do hope the radiation helps with the pain. Melissa - I've dealt with the hallucinations in several different health situations and they are scary and unnerving. My experience is they don't last and we learn how best to deal with them through trial and error.
My love, hugs, prayers and everything else are with you both.
Amy
I'm glad I read through all the pages as I would have probably been one to offer suggestions.
I can share my ES&H. I was not there in my mom's final days. I have spoken to her ever since, as my belief is that she hears me. I told her I really didn't think I could go on. She was my mom and my best friend, couldn't she just take me with her?
I did go on and I did go through all the stages of grief. My mom loves butterflies and they seem to always be around me when I am having a hard time, or having a great day.
Due to my experience I was able to help many families when I was still a nurse deal with the death of their loved ones.
I was there for my grandmother and my loved ones who died of alzheimers. It was heartbreaking, but I didn't want them to suffer any more.
I admire you both that you are doing what feels right for you. There is no wrong or right. My friend who died in Dec., her wife is just now getting hit with the reality (our brain protects us from dealing with it all at once) and I will be going to see her very soon.
My only suggestion is keep doing what is right for both of you. You're not one to be forced into something that isn't right for both of you.
I do hope the radiation helps with the pain. Melissa - I've dealt with the hallucinations in several different health situations and they are scary and unnerving. My experience is they don't last and we learn how best to deal with them through trial and error.
My love, hugs, prayers and everything else are with you both.
Amy
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Robby and Melissa ,
I don't often share things like this because I'm a pretty private person and like to keep things I treasure close to my heart. I'm usually afraid of my treasures getting trampled on or misunderstood so I opt to keep quiet, but I'll make an exception in your case
.
I've experienced the really tragic deaths of my closest family members and outside of my sister none affected me more than my Granny's passing. She was my safe place for many years. Yes, my sister was too, but Granny was my 'grown up' safe place.
Anyway....I was blessed to be with her when she passed. I knew I was witnessing something miraculous (?)....not sure if that's the right word, but at the time that was the word that came to mind. I literally watched her take her last breath.
Of course, My heartache was profound and at times almost unbearable. I kept obsessing about all the times I could have gone to visit, but didn't because I was 'too busy'. I was driving myself crazy with the regrets.
One day I was in the middle of one of these regret sessions....laying on the bed crying my eyes out begging god to forgive me for being such a selfish idiot when I felt a hand on my shoulder. At the same time I started smelling my Granny's perfume...Tea Rose. Very distinct. I opened my eyes, startled, but no one was there and I knew I was the only one home (which made it even more startling).
I could smell my Granny's perfume about 15 minutes or so, then it was gone.
Since then, I've smelled my Granny's perfume in my home maybe four or five other times. I don't know what it means or why it happens and you know, I don't need to know. I just know it's an incredible comfort to me.
(The same thing has happened with my sister cologne but never my mothers. Strange stuff. )
I hope you find some comfort in that story.
Xoxo
I don't often share things like this because I'm a pretty private person and like to keep things I treasure close to my heart. I'm usually afraid of my treasures getting trampled on or misunderstood so I opt to keep quiet, but I'll make an exception in your case
. I've experienced the really tragic deaths of my closest family members and outside of my sister none affected me more than my Granny's passing. She was my safe place for many years. Yes, my sister was too, but Granny was my 'grown up' safe place.
Anyway....I was blessed to be with her when she passed. I knew I was witnessing something miraculous (?)....not sure if that's the right word, but at the time that was the word that came to mind. I literally watched her take her last breath.
Of course, My heartache was profound and at times almost unbearable. I kept obsessing about all the times I could have gone to visit, but didn't because I was 'too busy'. I was driving myself crazy with the regrets.
One day I was in the middle of one of these regret sessions....laying on the bed crying my eyes out begging god to forgive me for being such a selfish idiot when I felt a hand on my shoulder. At the same time I started smelling my Granny's perfume...Tea Rose. Very distinct. I opened my eyes, startled, but no one was there and I knew I was the only one home (which made it even more startling).
I could smell my Granny's perfume about 15 minutes or so, then it was gone.
Since then, I've smelled my Granny's perfume in my home maybe four or five other times. I don't know what it means or why it happens and you know, I don't need to know. I just know it's an incredible comfort to me.
(The same thing has happened with my sister cologne but never my mothers. Strange stuff. )
I hope you find some comfort in that story.
Xoxo
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Cow
Well. Crap. I not got any such stories. ... ...yet. So I guess you has to hold on for another year, okay? Or make do with my heartfelt wise-assing.
I can easily see, viewed with my own rose-colored glasses, how you are both happy and not happy, content and not content. I can also appreciate your above claim you have no such stories. Speaking for myself, you have many such stories of real achievement. Your present sobriety comes to mind....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Robby & Melissa.
I think I get the feeling of how sharing personal experiences is most helpful. Or at least placing thoughts and suggestions in a context of personal experience and sharing... I often feel the same way with regard to my own challenges and what forms of help I find useful. I even had this on mind strongly when I first decided to get into therapy, which is something that is supposed to help me... but I would not want to do it in a way that's not interactive enough on the level that I like, if someone was mainly just listening to me and not engaging in the process. Luckily I found one who likes the interaction and mutual feedback just as much as myself, and is very comfortable with it.
What I sometimes feel also is that telling me to get help for this, help for that, as much help as possible, can be counterproductive at times. I just try to remember now that people say this from good will most of the time, and here on SR specifically also because that's what we are used to discussing, the importance of external help and support.
Stories... So here is a recent one. I'm having a hard time accepting my father's death. I felt I was doing much better at it experiencing his slow decline towards what was clearly always inevitable, when he was still alive. I guess I felt I could still do things to him and with him, I could still be useful in a variety of forms... and now of course that's all gone. Is this a bit co-dependent of me? I guess... I know it's perfectly normal and common what I am going through, yet it's the weirdest experience in some moments, like I want to rebel against nature and the outcome knowing full well that relative to his last few months at least, death was clearly a relief. I thought it would be a relief for me as well and it felt like it for a short while, but not right now. I feel very keenly the classic, that there is this empty space his passing left in me, and an urge to try to fill it with something, even if it's obviously a substitute. I imagine this is a main part of what leads many recovering addicts to relapses in response to the death of loved ones. I have already had an episode with my eating disorder behavior last weekend, which probably sounds as a minor thing to many here relative to drugs and alcohol, but for me it's a red flag and clear sign I need to pay more attention to how I react. I'm just so grateful for my awareness of all this, it really helps to know where this might lead to if I let it, and I am determined to ensure that will not happen. It's not a possibility I contemplate, but I would be lying to say I don't have urges for all kinds of crazy things to "cover" the emotional pain in the moment. I also find myself getting defensive more often than what's characteristic of me, I guess it's a sign of increased sensitivity at the moment.
I hope the radiation treatment will help ease the pain somewhat I will definitely be here to share and exchange experiences, that's something that comes most naturally for me and it's also helpful on this end, to talk about these things.
I think I get the feeling of how sharing personal experiences is most helpful. Or at least placing thoughts and suggestions in a context of personal experience and sharing... I often feel the same way with regard to my own challenges and what forms of help I find useful. I even had this on mind strongly when I first decided to get into therapy, which is something that is supposed to help me... but I would not want to do it in a way that's not interactive enough on the level that I like, if someone was mainly just listening to me and not engaging in the process. Luckily I found one who likes the interaction and mutual feedback just as much as myself, and is very comfortable with it.
What I sometimes feel also is that telling me to get help for this, help for that, as much help as possible, can be counterproductive at times. I just try to remember now that people say this from good will most of the time, and here on SR specifically also because that's what we are used to discussing, the importance of external help and support.
Stories... So here is a recent one. I'm having a hard time accepting my father's death. I felt I was doing much better at it experiencing his slow decline towards what was clearly always inevitable, when he was still alive. I guess I felt I could still do things to him and with him, I could still be useful in a variety of forms... and now of course that's all gone. Is this a bit co-dependent of me? I guess... I know it's perfectly normal and common what I am going through, yet it's the weirdest experience in some moments, like I want to rebel against nature and the outcome knowing full well that relative to his last few months at least, death was clearly a relief. I thought it would be a relief for me as well and it felt like it for a short while, but not right now. I feel very keenly the classic, that there is this empty space his passing left in me, and an urge to try to fill it with something, even if it's obviously a substitute. I imagine this is a main part of what leads many recovering addicts to relapses in response to the death of loved ones. I have already had an episode with my eating disorder behavior last weekend, which probably sounds as a minor thing to many here relative to drugs and alcohol, but for me it's a red flag and clear sign I need to pay more attention to how I react. I'm just so grateful for my awareness of all this, it really helps to know where this might lead to if I let it, and I am determined to ensure that will not happen. It's not a possibility I contemplate, but I would be lying to say I don't have urges for all kinds of crazy things to "cover" the emotional pain in the moment. I also find myself getting defensive more often than what's characteristic of me, I guess it's a sign of increased sensitivity at the moment.
I hope the radiation treatment will help ease the pain somewhat
I will definitely be here to share and exchange experiences, that's something that comes most naturally for me and it's also helpful on this end, to talk about these things.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,036
Dear Rob, Dear Melissa,
You asked for authentic life experiences no matter the grim that showed movement through and to.
My life experiences through the death of a loved one are limited to my father's death and various people who've gone out through suicide or drug-related accident. I've written about my father here and the rest are very different from you two.
What I haven't written about is my husband, practically never in the forum. Like you in some ways, Rob, and it's no coincidence that it's like you and like my father , my husband is an intellectually and emotionally demanding person. He can't work and hasn't been able to for decades due to frequent nocturnal epilectic seizures that cause tremendous disruption in his sleep patterns. He refuses treatment with anti-convulsants, partly because of years of treatment a long time ago that didn't help much and were horrible in other ways, and partly because the current treatments cause further sleep disruption which provoke more seizures. There are a host of other things that accompany this in his behavior and personality, all of which come down to the seizures and the kinds of brain activity that accompanies them. His sister is a bag lady and his mother died young from early onset Alzheimers.
A couple of days ago something particularly bad happened, we're not sure what. He was intermittently disturbed or asleep all the following day and awake for 24 hours afterwards, and still last night was noticeably strange.
We've been together 32 years; I met him when I was 19. I'm terrified that he will become more and more disturbed, during waking as well, or that he'll have a stroke or something in his sleep suddenly at any time. I'm terrified of being left alone.
Yet we go on. We're leaving for Europe in a week to go to my son's wedding, which will involve a change of timezones and a lot of stress which we both know will likely provoke a lot of problems for him -- that's probably why he's having so many problems now. Each night if he has a seizure it takes him longer to recover. We can hardly talk about it. Yet we go on. We want to be happy. I'm sober, I'm medicated, I'm here to be with him for the first time in decades. Will we be able to enjoy a future? I don't know.
I guess it's no wonder I feel for you so much, Melissa. I wish you both courage and all each other's love as a source of strength when you feel weak and afraid.
You asked for authentic life experiences no matter the grim that showed movement through and to.
My life experiences through the death of a loved one are limited to my father's death and various people who've gone out through suicide or drug-related accident. I've written about my father here and the rest are very different from you two.
What I haven't written about is my husband, practically never in the forum. Like you in some ways, Rob, and it's no coincidence that it's like you and like my father , my husband is an intellectually and emotionally demanding person. He can't work and hasn't been able to for decades due to frequent nocturnal epilectic seizures that cause tremendous disruption in his sleep patterns. He refuses treatment with anti-convulsants, partly because of years of treatment a long time ago that didn't help much and were horrible in other ways, and partly because the current treatments cause further sleep disruption which provoke more seizures. There are a host of other things that accompany this in his behavior and personality, all of which come down to the seizures and the kinds of brain activity that accompanies them. His sister is a bag lady and his mother died young from early onset Alzheimers.
A couple of days ago something particularly bad happened, we're not sure what. He was intermittently disturbed or asleep all the following day and awake for 24 hours afterwards, and still last night was noticeably strange.
We've been together 32 years; I met him when I was 19. I'm terrified that he will become more and more disturbed, during waking as well, or that he'll have a stroke or something in his sleep suddenly at any time. I'm terrified of being left alone.
Yet we go on. We're leaving for Europe in a week to go to my son's wedding, which will involve a change of timezones and a lot of stress which we both know will likely provoke a lot of problems for him -- that's probably why he's having so many problems now. Each night if he has a seizure it takes him longer to recover. We can hardly talk about it. Yet we go on. We want to be happy. I'm sober, I'm medicated, I'm here to be with him for the first time in decades. Will we be able to enjoy a future? I don't know.
I guess it's no wonder I feel for you so much, Melissa. I wish you both courage and all each other's love as a source of strength when you feel weak and afraid.
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
My dearest Cow. Speaking for myself, you have many such stories of real achievement. Your present sobriety comes to mind....
Thank you for you total relentless support of me, Robby. It never waiver and never was it superficial. Here all I know about death: it suck.
My momma die 22 year ago, and it still suck. "I grow more motherless every day." I think Anais Nin say that. But part of the sucking is cuz I love her. "The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal." CS Lewis say that after his beloved pass.
I HATE after my momma die, all the platitudes: "She not suffering any more." "She in better place." "She still with us." "She live on in our heart." What gave me most comfort was when friend come up and just go, "This sucks!" And I like, THANK YOU.
I guess actually I know 2 thing about death: it suck, but it gonna be okay. I mean, it gonna be okay, we all gonna be okay, even you. But, for me, it also will always suck that my belove Robot not around any more. Is that alright?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Hi all.
(((Courage))) I had no idea you were under that kind of pressure. I think you are doing well. You seem to be able to empathize, at least I have felt that in your PMs. It's OK to PM me if you need help not just to support me.
I don't have much by way of experience relatable to the issues some are facing on this thread. I can give you an update in the Mom situation.
She enclosed a card and it had puppies on the front. I went to the store and found one with a similar picture. When opened it played "Stand by me". It said; " I have your back and you have mine.....(inside) and this is going to be OK." I talked to her on her level and let her know after everything I was not bitter. Is all I wanted out of this situation was to know how I would react should she try to contact me. Now I know. I fought hard not to dehumanize people based on their beliefs they way I was taught. I still have my moments of hating haters but I seem to be slowly winning that one. She has not contacted me since and don't even want her to. Sometimes I think of her as an addict and as long as she is using nothing is going to change. It is better for both of us the way it is now. There is nothing I can or should do and I will not insulate her from her consequences. By the way, right now, in Australia they are getting questioned by the RC on their practice of keeping child sexual abuse quite. If this turns out to be the thing that breaks through her delusion then I will be here...and....direct her to professional help.
Rob I call BS on this line Like I've said before, I'm not an easy to person to help, and I'm not an easy friend either, but then who is, yeah?
Do you find it difficult to be friends with people on this thread? Do you assume we find you difficult?
Have a good one all.
(((Courage))) I had no idea you were under that kind of pressure. I think you are doing well. You seem to be able to empathize, at least I have felt that in your PMs. It's OK to PM me if you need help not just to support me.
I don't have much by way of experience relatable to the issues some are facing on this thread. I can give you an update in the Mom situation.
She enclosed a card and it had puppies on the front. I went to the store and found one with a similar picture. When opened it played "Stand by me". It said; " I have your back and you have mine.....(inside) and this is going to be OK." I talked to her on her level and let her know after everything I was not bitter. Is all I wanted out of this situation was to know how I would react should she try to contact me. Now I know. I fought hard not to dehumanize people based on their beliefs they way I was taught. I still have my moments of hating haters but I seem to be slowly winning that one. She has not contacted me since and don't even want her to. Sometimes I think of her as an addict and as long as she is using nothing is going to change. It is better for both of us the way it is now. There is nothing I can or should do and I will not insulate her from her consequences. By the way, right now, in Australia they are getting questioned by the RC on their practice of keeping child sexual abuse quite. If this turns out to be the thing that breaks through her delusion then I will be here...and....direct her to professional help.
Rob I call BS on this line Like I've said before, I'm not an easy to person to help, and I'm not an easy friend either, but then who is, yeah?
Do you find it difficult to be friends with people on this thread? Do you assume we find you difficult?
Have a good one all.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
(((courage)))
You're a wonderfully deep and loving person courage. Wonderfully so. Thank so much for being you!
(((Cow)))
Yes, my friend. That works well for me. It may sound weird, but I'm "glad" I will be missed by Cow, since that alone is a marvelous achievement for the both of us, and my appreciation is endless. You know what I mean.
You're a wonderfully deep and loving person courage. Wonderfully so. Thank so much for being you!
(((Cow)))
Yes, my friend. That works well for me. It may sound weird, but I'm "glad" I will be missed by Cow, since that alone is a marvelous achievement for the both of us, and my appreciation is endless. You know what I mean.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Toronto
Posts: 45
My mother was out of her mind at the end of her life. I tried to carry her burden for her but of course I could not. She was many things, including angry. Of her four children, she felt the older two (not me) were the most special. She told me, a month before dying, and I listened, because that was my role, to her tell me the older two were special. A week before she died, she said to me, "What did I do to deserve a daughter like you? You never leave, you are always here."
I was with my mother when she died. It is an honour to be with the dying. It is an honour to be with Robby and Melissa and all of us.
Love to us all!!
I was with my mother when she died. It is an honour to be with the dying. It is an honour to be with Robby and Melissa and all of us.
Love to us all!!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Thats was beautiful bird you reminded me of one day looking after my mum when she walked past and simply said i want you to know how much i love you i broke down afterwards
I feel privledged to have had such a mum truly my best friend
Good morning everyone
I feel privledged to have had such a mum truly my best friend
Good morning everyone
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