QuietToday

I slipped last night when I bought a packet of cigarettes, and then upped the ante a few minutes ago when I drank one of my father's beers when I came home.
I knew what I was doing; I'm heated up and down right now, but I knew what I was doing. I had the whole thing and another cigarette too, but now I'm done. Not having a second, and the cigarettes I've thrown into the trash.

All that happened is I started a job last night. This is the 12th job I've had with retail working at under $10 an hour. I'm at a wholesale place doing the overnights.
The job is the same as every other overnight retail job I've had. And it's seriously not bad. 10-6am, which are pretty great hours for overnight (I've had a midnight-8 twice, and those are really awful). The store is pretty light with sales; not too much to it.
Same thing as always. Walk up and down aisles, fronting items, putting items into shelves. Now I have to summon the forklift guy when I need an item, is all. Mindless work that I don't feel rewarded by, but it is what it is.

But I got stressed quick. It's understaffed, and so there are two very big no-no's for me that are going to happen all of the time. I'll almost always work at least a half hour past when I should clock out, and already am I scheduled for a day I was supposed to have had off.
These things make me go absolutely crazy

But I'm doing the job because I need money (duh!). I have, literally, $100 to my entire name right now. I owe my father $500, and I also need to save up some money for when I go back to school in the Fall. I don't need much at all; I'm good with money, and if I could just get $500 to myself I swear I could make it through both the Fall and Spring semesters with that.

But I've gotta work to get that money, and I've got only 8 weeks before I go back to school to make it. So I gotta do the work--- I can't not do it even though I'm hating it already.

I've just done this for so long. It's my fault for f-ing up my life and really screwing up community college for all of those years. I accept the responsibility of my actions, and I know that I can't fall back to drinking---- but that's why I don't want to do this crappy work anymore! That's why I got my act together and finished community college and started Uni...

Blah!

I just don't want to work. That's all. And I guess I'm scared a bit too--- It's a warehouse, and there's lots of climbing on ladders with 40+ lb packages and it made me nauseous and horrified each time. Plus shrink-wrapping pallets made me genuinely dizzy, and I had to do so many; at one point I seriously had to sit and put my head between my knees, just from shrink-wrapping.

/
So that's my rant.

It's only 8 weeks I have to do it. 2 months, that's all. I can do this. I know I can. And I know I can do this without my falling back into horrible addictions like alcohol and nicotine.

Can someone just steel home some words that make me realize how ridiculous my overtly intense emotions about this are?

What I'm really worried about is keeping my head together enough to continue pursuing things. I really need to teach myself Spanish this Summer, and I've been pretty good with my studies so far. But there's no way I can do it this morning; I'm so tired, and I feel like ****, and of course I'm guilty as heck about that beer and cigarette. I'm a wreck today, but I really can't continue to be after each shift.
I also need to continue reading thoroughly and writing about literature. It's been rewarding for me to do that recreationally, and it applies to my being a literature major as well, and possible future career also.


I'm just an idiot this morning. Sorry about this crazy and long and boring and selfish post. But I just wanted to get this out there, and hope that maybe someone can just say a few words to inspire me towards calm and progress.

Dee74

You need a better solution for stress QT

What else have you tried? Exercise works great for me...so does listening or playing music...some people use meditation or take up hobbies.

there are some good articles on stress here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...44-stress.html

D

LimitedLemur

I'm sorry you're so stressed out! I work retail too, so can I relate to most everything you said. I flip out if I have to stay late as well, so don't feel bad. My time is my time, and it's important to me. I second what Dee74 says, you need to de-stress! Running is my favorite for sure, but there's so much you can do. You have to retrain your brain to handle stress healthily, which isn't easy, but you can do it! And try not to beat yourself up about slipping. It happens. Just learn from it and try again. Not the end of the world

Anna

You're not an idiot, but as Dee said, you need to come up with some healthy ways to deal with stress.

I think you can get through this temporary job, and keep focusing on paying back money that you owe. You're doing the right thing. And, keep focusing on your education so that you can have a career that you enjoy.