Authenticity V

 
Old 07-02-2015, 05:59 PM
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Jesus God, Robby. Could you BE any more responsible? In you actions, you emotional expressions, you existential explorations, you psychological fortitudes. Damn. You so on top of it and self-actualizing that I pretty sure next you tell us you gonna be delivering you own eulogy.

... ... you is, right?

But you know, come to think of it, maybe you should. I mean, I for one fascinate to know what would Robby Robot has to say about Robby Robot? I sorry if that inappropriate thoughts.
~my friend
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Old 07-02-2015, 06:29 PM
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Robby - I can only imagine how going through all the taking care of property and such is quite emotional, but I had no doubt you would do it.

I'm a bit "off" as I just learned the last of my friends I took care of with alzheimers died I know he's better off, but I hurt for his family and his beloved Bijon pupster.

Not sure that my mood was any better today other than it was my Friday, but holy moly - I was like the energizer bunny all day! I hope I feel the same tomorrow, as I have a busy holiday day off.

Sorry I'm not contributing much, but I'm very grateful for you all.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 07-02-2015, 07:17 PM
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Smile

Hey my friends, thanks for all the care and appreciation for Melissa and myself. Want you to know I'm feelin' the luv.

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Old 07-02-2015, 07:33 PM
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ah, Robby, doing all this practical financial material is usually described as being responsible, when what it really is is loving.

the loving thing to do.
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Old 07-02-2015, 09:05 PM
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Hi everyone. It's a good feeling to come here and see all the familiar avatars and usernames, and everyone's ups & downs:
so we'll live,
And pray, and sing, and tell old tales, and laugh
At gilded butterflies, and hear poor rogues
Talk of court news; and we'll talk with them too,
Who loses and who wins; who's in, who's out;
And take upon's the mystery of things,
As if we were God's spies
(Lear)

I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. I just got rejected for a grant, which even though it wasn't a lot of money -- well, I worked hard to put the proposal together and it's always a disappointment, though a common one. I made a decision to try to pull something out of my career, and at times like this it seems pointless -- too much work with not enough merit or gratification in the work. This feeling will pass, and I'll have some series of new distractions to waste my wits on.

Rob, I commend you for taking care of making your estate tidy now and helping Melissa prepare.

Melissa, I know you have your own fear and sorrow that you're coping with. I hope you'll use the forums to look for support whenever you need it.

I'm very glad to read every day about how the two of you help one another. Shared suffering reveals the strength of a relationship.
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Old 07-02-2015, 09:24 PM
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Sorry about the grant, Courage.

D
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Old 07-02-2015, 09:26 PM
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Hi, Robby, Melissa and F&F of Robby & Melissa. Just back from vacation; just wanted to stop in and wish everyone well.
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Old 07-02-2015, 09:38 PM
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Good to see you Leigh

D
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Old 07-03-2015, 03:18 AM
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Popping in to say hello Robby & Melissa

Sorry about the grant courage, hello Leigh
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Old 07-03-2015, 05:59 AM
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Courage, I'm very sorry about the grant... the joys of academia, right? Needless to say, I feel for you in regards to this, what sometimes appears like a rats race and can cut into our sense of competency and self-esteem. I know that you know as well rationally that it's not like that, and that the system is very biased in many ways, but still, it's not a nice experience. I need to think about grants this year again also... one of ours is coming up for renewal this fall, and I'm working on a new one, too. Lots of anxiety. I hope you feel better today.

I have a therapy appointment this morning that I'm a bit nervous about... which is kinda unusual for me (to be nervous about these sessions). I want to discuss something, and bringing it up makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, which is already meaningful on its own. It's not discussing / dissecting it that causes anxiety (I think), I am certain I'll love to do that... but bringing it up in the first place. And it's very far from some of my many disturbing and at times even gruesome topics... so we'll see what causes the discomfort exactly. I'm quite unsure but I'm getting into it no matter what.

Have a good day Robby, Melissa, and friends
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Old 07-03-2015, 06:48 AM
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Welcome back, Leigh. Sorry about the grant, Courage.
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Old 07-03-2015, 06:59 AM
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Everyone has struggles we know nothing about

So be kind to one another! And be kind to those who have struggles that we know of!

Good morning all - I just brought that up because it seems like most people I know are going through some very intense struggles and it is on my mind. I found out yesterday that my mother's best friend has cancerous brain tumors. She is 91 and doing chemo. Unbelievable. But they said her prospects are good.

To all of us here and everywhere else, know that to live is to struggle. It doesn't mean you will fail. And know that you are not alone. It is a human condition. Keep on keeping on.

Have a great day all ya'll
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Old 07-03-2015, 07:35 AM
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Hey friends!! Its totally sunny here and into the 80F's through the weekend!! AWESOME!!

Courage, sorry you're down about the grant being declined. It's been awhile (like 25+ years ago) since I've felt that particular angst. We take it personally of course. And if we don't, well, we should have, lol. Better to have dreams and respective feelings bruised then not have dreams at all. Good to see you're already working things out enough to know you'll have other "distractions" too. I know about the (apparent) wasting of wits too... nonetheless, we both know there are layers of gratitude nestled in between all the efforts to make a difference and to mark a career. Gratitude for being of real service to others and making a difference in their lives. These kind of personal bests rarely receive official accolades. That's okay. You've created important lasting positive differences in the lives of many during the years of your career, my friend. I hope you take a moment now and again, allowing a few smiles of personal satisfaction to linger.

Hi haennie. I always looked forward to being uncomfortable in my therapy sessions. In fact, when I became reasonably comfortable in back to back sessions, this flagged the ending of my sessions, for me anyways therapy has to be more then my therapist cheering me on. If we are not working me like a machine, then I'd rather be elsewhere. Nothing worse for me then a session that has me feeling comfortable throughout the session. Is that weird? How do others feel?

I'm glad you're saying you're getting into it no matter what. Awesome! I have confidence in you haennie.

Hi SoberLeigh, Gilmer, Wolfie, Amy, and D.

Hey ArtFriend! 91 years old? Wow. Glad to hear her prognosis is positive. Yeah, as you are saying, life is not without struggles of one kind or another, I'm totally in agreement with that motto. And then some!

Thanks fini for the way you look at things with respect to love and responsibilities. Very supportive for me.

(((Cow))) your wonderful post had Melissa and I in stitches

Hey!! I love all you wonderful people. It's a joy to share with you all, even when some of the shares bring sadness, its still a joy, and I'm a better man for my sharing. I'm totally grateful I started these threads.

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Old 07-03-2015, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post

Courage, sorry you're down about the grant being declined. It's been awhile (like 25+ years ago) since I've felt that particular angst. We take it personally of course. And if we don't, well, we should have, lol. Better to have dreams and respective feelings bruised then not have dreams at all.
thanks Rob -- just one more minute of it being all about me -- I'm actually pretty bothered about this, for a lot of reasons -- I've submitted 4 grant proposals now in the last 3 months with at least 1 more upcoming and it's been exhausting and has taken me far outside my comfort zone, and I'm low on recuperative power. The fact that I know that I can't adequately express my fairly minor dismay on this occasion makes me realize freshly how much you & Melissa are going through, and that your words here, though so authentic, don't capture even a fraction of it.

Having had the rejection last night, today I'm going to read the reviews & send them to my co-investigators, and note down a few ideas for a possible resubmission in 9 months. I have to remember that I hadn't even intended to file this proposal in 2015, that I was encouraged by the funding source, and that I'd tried at the time not to get my hopes up but to consider it a chance for feedback. Metacognitively, I'm amazed that I'm able to think and behave appropriately about a whole process that was unthinkable for me a few years ago.

OK, no more of my nonsense. I'm glad you're enjoying sunshine Rob, and look forward to everyone's posts here today!
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Old 07-03-2015, 08:17 AM
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My thoughts on therapy...I know I need it but I have yet to find one who challenges me. I think when I have tried it in the past I have basically told them what I thought they wanted to hear so they would feel good about themselves and I could go on pretending I was perfectly normal. I am an intensely private person but that has certainly done me no favors.

Since I got sober I have had to face some things in myself I didn't necessarily want to. I would have always told you I was an empath and I truly do feel pain for other people and want to fix everything. Now I wonder if I really am narcissistic and some of my caring is for my own benefit. Then sometimes I wonder if I really am just crazy.

Love to all
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Old 07-03-2015, 08:30 AM
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Originally Posted by courage2 View Post
The fact that I know that I can't adequately express my fairly minor dismay on this occasion makes me realize freshly how much you & Melissa are going through, and that your words here, though so authentic, don't capture even a fraction of it.
Yup. Not even a fraction. Thank you so much for recognition of same (((courage))). Like an iceberg, my deepest angsts and struggles are unseen and (relatively) unspoken of even while I'm being earnestly authentic. It's not like I don't have the words to say whatever, its more like I don't want to dig myself a hole that I can't jump out of, yeah? Sure, I could lay out my darkest fears, and then what? Do it again? And so eventually it makes sense to share my troubles in a way that preserves our relationships which have been merited by our shares in these threads. It's not that I'm down playing my troubles, its more I crave and desire good fellowship with all y'all more importantly then I desire you to hurt with me as deeply as I hurt over the loss of my own life.

Does that make sense?
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Old 07-03-2015, 09:05 AM
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post
[B]

Does that make sense?
Completely.
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Old 07-03-2015, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Della1968 View Post
My thoughts on therapy...I know I need it but I have yet to find one who challenges me. I think when I have tried it in the past I have basically told them what I thought they wanted to hear so they would feel good about themselves and I could go on pretending I was perfectly normal. I am an intensely private person but that has certainly done me no favors.
I think a skilled therapist would know that Della. It is called "resistance" in psych lingo. There are patterns in the way clients talk to their therapist and a good one will be able to see that you are simply telling them "what they want to hear" and attempt to get to the real issues. If you are naturally private, you might have to stick with therapy for awhile to build a trust where you can talk about your true issues with the therapist. It takes time tho.

QUOTE=Della1968;5450263]Since I got sober I have had to face some things in myself I didn't necessarily want to. I would have always told you I was an empath and I truly do feel pain for other people and want to fix everything. Now I wonder if I really am narcissistic and some of my caring is for my own benefit. Then sometimes I wonder if I really am just crazy. Love to all[/QUOTE]

Not crazy! Maybe you can try a therapist again and explore these things?
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Old 07-03-2015, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post
Yup. Not even a fraction. Thank you so much for recognition of same (((courage))). Like an iceberg, my deepest angsts and struggles are unseen and (relatively) unspoken of even while I'm being earnestly authentic. It's not like I don't have the words to say whatever, its more like I don't want to dig myself a hole that I can't jump out of, yeah? Sure, I could lay out my darkest fears, and then what? Do it again? And so eventually it makes sense to share my troubles in a way that preserves our relationships which have been merited by our shares in these threads. It's not that I'm down playing my troubles, its more I crave and desire good fellowship with all y'all more importantly then I desire you to hurt with me as deeply as I hurt over the loss of my own life.

Does that make sense?
(((Rob)))

I would wager that many of us on this thread "hurt with you" on a fairly deep level, even without you completely pouring your guts out. And I don't think that we would run off if one day you decided to do that. I for one would be honored to listen if you felt that need. Thank you for taking our feelings into consideration when you are in such pain. You are beyond generous.
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Old 07-03-2015, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Della1968 View Post
My thoughts on therapy...I know I need it but I have yet to find one who challenges me....

Since I got sober I have had to face some things in myself I didn't necessarily want to. I would have always told you I was an empath and I truly do feel pain for other people and want to fix everything. Now I wonder if I really am narcissistic and some of my caring is for my own benefit. Then sometimes I wonder if I really am just crazy.

Love to all
I think we do best to challenge ourselves in therapy and not rely on the talents of a therapist to bring the fight to us. I expect my therapist to keep up with me rather than expect them to set the pace or the immediate goals of each session. I'm paying for their professional expertise in assisting me to walk my chosen path. If they can't for whatever reason assist empowering me in support of my choices, this needs to be addressed in my first session. I expect my therapist to help me help myself. Anything less or more than this is not therapy, but rather just an ongoing relationship with my "friendly therapist"

I'm thinking Della you're nowhere near being a narcissistic person. I'm unsure why you suggest you may be. It certainly doesn't manifest in your posts, to me anyways. Empathic abilities are something else again, eh? Could you have two more dissimilar poles of comparison: narcissistic vs. empathic? You've covered both extremes
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