Ot need insight from this board
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
Ot need insight from this board
Hello
I'm crossing over from family and friends, I'm looking for a better understanding.
I've been married for a long time. My RA is only about 3 months sober. This is the 3rd time I've been through this and each time he falls off the wagon it gets worse for me. This time I'm calling it quits.
The last 2 times it took 5 years of drinking before he stopped and last time it took a couple of years to be a normal person.
He did some terrible things to me and I ended up doing terrible things back. Before I filed he told me he just tolerated me for years, and that destroyed me. (Everything I thought I believed in I now questions). After I filed he has not talked to me, sobered up, and still continues to do really mean and low stuff to me. I am trying to be a grown up (with a little success, it's been hard)
Why am I still being punished for my bad behavior when his behavior has been just as bad as mine or worse?
Can this ever change? If so what can/could I do?
Any input will be appreachated.
Cricket
I'm crossing over from family and friends, I'm looking for a better understanding.
I've been married for a long time. My RA is only about 3 months sober. This is the 3rd time I've been through this and each time he falls off the wagon it gets worse for me. This time I'm calling it quits.
The last 2 times it took 5 years of drinking before he stopped and last time it took a couple of years to be a normal person.
He did some terrible things to me and I ended up doing terrible things back. Before I filed he told me he just tolerated me for years, and that destroyed me. (Everything I thought I believed in I now questions). After I filed he has not talked to me, sobered up, and still continues to do really mean and low stuff to me. I am trying to be a grown up (with a little success, it's been hard)
Why am I still being punished for my bad behavior when his behavior has been just as bad as mine or worse?
Can this ever change? If so what can/could I do?
Any input will be appreachated.
Cricket
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Unfortunately I don't think there is an answer as to "why" alcoholics do the things that they do sometimes..other than that alcoholism is a very selfish affliction and sometimes alcoholics do very selfish things. I know I certainly did when I was actively drinking.
Can it ever change? It did for me - but only after I made the decision to make the changes on my own. Unless I'm misunderstanding though, you have already decided that it wouldn't matter anyway and you are separated, correct? If that's the case, it's probably time to move forward on your own and seek help for yourself.
Can it ever change? It did for me - but only after I made the decision to make the changes on my own. Unless I'm misunderstanding though, you have already decided that it wouldn't matter anyway and you are separated, correct? If that's the case, it's probably time to move forward on your own and seek help for yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Sounds like you both want to go your seperate ways. try not to allow his nonsense to get at you. Soon enough the divorce will be final and you can move on right?
It seems like divorces typically are not the most cordial things for 2 parties to go through.
When 2 people are together like you guys where and he's had a drinking issue etc.. its pretty understandable that this might might lure out some of your not so great qualities and you might have said or done something you shouldnt have. No bodys perfect. Not even him.
I hope it gets easier. Sounds like your sorts of troubles go with the territory tho given the circumstances. Stinks though its never fun.
It seems like divorces typically are not the most cordial things for 2 parties to go through.
When 2 people are together like you guys where and he's had a drinking issue etc.. its pretty understandable that this might might lure out some of your not so great qualities and you might have said or done something you shouldnt have. No bodys perfect. Not even him.
I hope it gets easier. Sounds like your sorts of troubles go with the territory tho given the circumstances. Stinks though its never fun.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
One of my phrases to live by came from a show called "Facts of Life." Natalie said to Joe, "stop asking yourself why the train keeps running me over and start asking yourself what you are still doing in the tracks."
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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It sounds like you have a conscious when it comes to your behavior while the RA still wants to blame others . In my experience, this just means if they weren't blaming you, they would be blaming somebody else. A lot of alcoholics lack accountability For their actions.
I really don't think in these situations there is a lot you can do to make them see this, they have to come to it on their own. it is really difficult - I am in similar situations where the other person has a complete lack of awareness of their actions. my willingness to state my part in things seems to make them feel justified in their insanity And bad behavior, it's beyond frustrating.
Is there any self care or anything you can do for yourself right niw? I just hAve to accept them the way they are tho I don't like their behavior. It has been a lesson in healthy boundaries.
I really don't think in these situations there is a lot you can do to make them see this, they have to come to it on their own. it is really difficult - I am in similar situations where the other person has a complete lack of awareness of their actions. my willingness to state my part in things seems to make them feel justified in their insanity And bad behavior, it's beyond frustrating.
Is there any self care or anything you can do for yourself right niw? I just hAve to accept them the way they are tho I don't like their behavior. It has been a lesson in healthy boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
It sounds like you have a conscious when it comes to your behavior while the RA still wants to blame others . In my experience, this just means if they weren't blaming you, they would be blaming somebody else. A lot of alcoholics lack accountability For their actions.
I really don't think in these situations there is a lot you can do to make them see this, they have to come to it on their own. it is really difficult - I am in similar situations where the other person has a complete lack of awareness of their actions. my willingness to state my part in things seems to make them feel justified in their insanity And bad behavior, it's beyond frustrating.
Is there any self care or anything you can do for yourself right niw? I just hAve to accept them the way they are tho I don't like their behavior. It has been a lesson in healthy boundaries.
I really don't think in these situations there is a lot you can do to make them see this, they have to come to it on their own. it is really difficult - I am in similar situations where the other person has a complete lack of awareness of their actions. my willingness to state my part in things seems to make them feel justified in their insanity And bad behavior, it's beyond frustrating.
Is there any self care or anything you can do for yourself right niw? I just hAve to accept them the way they are tho I don't like their behavior. It has been a lesson in healthy boundaries.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I don't even think you can blame this on alcoholism - he's just an angry, hurt person.
Hurting people often hurt people.
I am divorced, and I've split with two other men with whom I lived and had long-term relationships. When it gets to the splitting up stage, some people are just mean. Love lost can bring out the very worst in people.
Can you go no-contact? That would be a lot easier.
Hurting people often hurt people.
I am divorced, and I've split with two other men with whom I lived and had long-term relationships. When it gets to the splitting up stage, some people are just mean. Love lost can bring out the very worst in people.
Can you go no-contact? That would be a lot easier.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by silentrun 
One of my phrases to live by came from a show called "Facts of Life." Natalie said to Joe, "stop asking yourself why the train keeps running me over and start asking yourself what you are still doing in the tracks."
Love it! used to love the show too.
it seems like in life often we should ask ourselves what we can do differently. that was a hard thing for me. still kinda is. for starters it doesnt always come naturally. and at first i felt I was very much at blame all the time and that made me feel very bad about myself. Now I just realize this project called me is just a learning expierence and its ok to have things i gotta change about myself. I've also realized at the same time life really aint about me. it never was never will be. Its about keeping me healthy and at my best for everyone elses sake around me.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
Saying that he tolerated you for years is a pretty typical statement from a hurt and angry person. I am sorry you are in pain and it sounds like you have had a pretty rough ride with his alcoholism and behaviour. It is hard to know what is alcoholism and what is personality and only a good period of sober time would determine that. Give yourself the gift of freedom and self love and go no contact. Work on yourself and try and spend time with people who lift you up. Sending big hugs xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 118
So much for "sticks and stones may break my bones but names..." wait, those hurt too. I have been in a similar situation and it is all too easy for everyone to say, "Oh, he is just mad. Ignore him. He doesn't mean it." While they may be right, it doesn't make it sting any less.
Break-ups almost always suck and is hard enough without all the added BS of alcoholism and generally mean people.
Hang in there, I would suggest cutting off contact; if possible.
Break-ups almost always suck and is hard enough without all the added BS of alcoholism and generally mean people.
Hang in there, I would suggest cutting off contact; if possible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
Thank you all for answering it has helped. I would like my family intacted but I know that will not be possible with him at this time, if ever. I will keep trying on working on myself. Sadly we are still living in the same house though our divorce so it is hard. Hope can be painful.
Thanks
Cricket
Thanks
Cricket
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