Soberintexas007

I lose control once I have that first drink, and then I obsess. I am going to commit back to AA. I plan on going to meetings on my husbands days off. I need to get better, as I feel like I hit a bottom yesterday in that alcohol ran my whole day.

I remember two weeks ago I was feeling so well when I was going to meetings, and then I lost that serenity when I slipped on one of my husbands days off. I need to get back on track.

I almost feel like i am losing time, and that one of these days something bad is going to happen.

doggonecarl

Undoubtedly.

So remove drinking as an option--100%--and do whatever it takes to support that decision.

Soberintexas007

You are right. I need to do this, as my depression is getting worse.

Soberintexas007

I can't believe that I have drank for the previous 6 days. I need another day 1 ASAP.

Hevyn

It was that way for me too Soberintexas. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to stop trying to use willpower. I was sure I could control it. That led to all day drinking in the end - with my life in ruins. I'm glad you see what needs to happen. We're with you.

sleepie

007, so glad you are making this decision for yourself. You seem like a wonderful person, treat yourself as one and ditch the drink!

Hawkeye13

Good call--your husband is going to do what he's going to do,
but you can make better choices for youself.

Sounds like a Day 1 is in progress

dwtbd

I found moderation to work wonders for my addiction, it kept it rolling right along.
Moderation was a no go for my quitting. The need to "try" moderating my drinking should have been a bigger clue. I've taken the simpler route, I quit. Simple , not easy, but it gets better. Be a quitter

ScottFromWI

I would argue that a lot of bad things have already happened. Go back and read this post you made back in March if you need a reminder

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...worked-me.html

You've had numerous posts here about all sorts of different reasons you haven't been able to quit. That's not unheard of with addiction( making excuses and deferring blame ), but it has to stop if you want any chance at getting sober. The bottom line is that you need to be honest and face the reality of your addiction - and mostly you need to be honest with yourself. The community of SR can be a wonderful place to gain support, but we cannot "make" you stop drinking. You need to take the necessary steps and do the necessary work to get sober.

If AA meetings were working for you i'd highly recommend returning to them.

If therapy helps you should probably return to that as well. I'd be very upfront with your therapist though...you recently ( just 2 days ago in fact ) said that your current therapist recommended that you keep drinking and use "harm reduction" techniques. Either your therapist is completely uneducated in dealing with addiction, or you didn't share the extent of your addiction. Either way, one of those 2 things has to change.

Soberintexas007

My therapist said that she really enjoyed working with me and was so disappointed when she received the voicemail that I wanted to discontinue therapy. She is great, and I told her this, but I did not think she wanted to work with a current drinker. I think she does know the extent of my alcoholism, but she probably felt cornered into figuring out what to say to me since she wanted to continue working with me.

All of this seems so surreal to me. I never thought someone like me could be so self destructive. I think I will just listen to some music right now and just dance. I love to dance!

Soberintexas007

It's so sad what alcoholism does to people, family and society. We all have a disease that tell us to continue to drink and make poor decisions. I was always a respectable girl growing up, as I never got into trouble at school with my behavior. Now I find myself rebelling but only because I indulge in a substance that is not good for me.

I know that SR will not get me sober, but that I have to do it for myself. I think there is a 50/50 chance that I will be successful, if not smaller.

SparkleKitty

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't -- you're right." Henry Ford

Soberintexas007

I wish I was on vacation right now. Oh wait, I don't work anymore, so I guess I am, HEHE!

Dee74

Harm reduction and moderation never worked for me either soberintx.
Are you still drinking, or have you stopped?

D

airwick

Hearing about every ones failures with "moderation"......I no longer see the point or have the temptation to try

Soberintexas007

I feel like such a failure in admitting this to you, but I started drinking around 1 pm today. I feel like I am letting everyone down and am sorry. I have had 6 beers and now I ordered take-in from a restaurant to have a ceasar salad, gnocci pesto, and a bottle of wine. I am so sorry, but I just cannot stop. I just talked to my AA friend who came over yesterday to my apartment for dinner, and he said that he had a good time, so that was good to hear. At least my drinking did not repel him away.

It's almost as if I know that I need to stop but am unwilling to take the steps to do so. Something is going to give sooner or later.

Soberintexas007

Food just came to my door. Thank goodness for the wine, as light beer was tasting like water. I need some substance! I guess we will all embark on this journey together. My story is unfolding, I just hope it has a happy ending!

Listening to "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town on ipod right now, great song!

Soberintexas007

For 25 years of my life, I lived as a boy and absolutely hated it. I did everything my parents expected of me - got A's and played sports. And then at the age of 27, I decided to transition into a woman. And I have never felt better. When I dance in front of the mirror and see a woman, I think, "Damn, this is soooo cool!!!!"

Yet, I continue to abuse alcohol. I would think I would happy......

Venecia

Eat the food, dump the wine.

The sooner you can begin your journey, the better the chances of the happy ending to which you refer. It requires more than "hoping" for it. It requires taking action and taking alcohol off the table, for good.

tomsteve

I don't think it's " almost as if unwilling." you have been completely unwilling to take any suggestions or put in any of the footwork unlesss it conforms to your ideals.Been putting stipulations on recovery. Been saying if this,that, or the other would do this,that, or the other then you'd be sober. You've been trying to do it on your terms for a long time.
Yup, ya feel like crap, but ya haven't let anyone down but you, the most important,person in your life. Now if ya start taking the suggestions and putting them into action, that self hatred and self pity will disappear.
The best thing to do is surrender. Admit and accept your way doesn't work, then become willing to do whatever is necessary to get and stay sober.
Sobriety has been many things for me. It was very hard for me to get sober. Some days took every once of energy to not drink.
Along with surrender was admitting and accepting my way got me drunk and wasnt gonna help for crap to help me get sober. Took me listening to people call me on my BS, getting pissed off,get into one person pity parties, then admitting they were right. Then getting into action using their suggestions.
Staying sonerhas been easy and an awesome journey. Facing life on life's terms and not playing God...what a concept! Works pretty good!