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Dont fit in to AA

Old 05-23-2015, 11:52 PM
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Dont fit in to AA

Greetings to the readers on this thread.
I just thought I would put this question out there ..although I know it has been done many times before. I am a mid life woman who is somewhat reserved, quiet, gentle. I have been struggling with AA for years and find it quite cliquey ..AA seems to have the opposite effect on me making me feel more isolated & even despairing after the meetings, as I don't seem to talk their lingo. In fact my cousin who has been in AA for 20 years said that she couldnt talk to me about sobriety as I dont talk the AA language!
My father was an AA old timer who didnt "walk his talk" staying emotionally abusive & unrepentent for his violent actions until his death. I think I have my low grade childhood PTSD activated from the meetings as I find the people there harsh (no offense to anyone)
I have been going to meetings on & off for 15 years and have not been able to connect there.( I do have friends out of the meetings) ..I just dont like hearing the drunk stories and the fact that some peoples whole lives never move on to a new identity from calling themselves an "alcoholic". In fact just thinking about it makes me feel stuck & hopeless. I see myself as having a genetic allergy to alcohol with an ocd disorder which keeps this problem alive.
I guess I feel weak , scared & brainwashed that AA really is the only way!!!
P.S I have been 13 stepped more than once and screamed at by a sponsor for not calling her on time so maybe that contributes to these feelings. I have not overdrunk for 3 years now & completely abstinent for 13 months .
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Old 05-24-2015, 12:04 AM
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Have you considered a fresh approach to face 2 face support? Such as a local Women for Sobriety meeting or meeting with a therapist/group therapy. It sound like you may just need to change direction a little to get a bit more personalized emotional support. Nice to meet you Autumn.
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Old 05-24-2015, 04:04 AM
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Hey Autumn! Nice to meet you!

I posed a very similar question( under my old user name yacine14)

I have definitely had the exact same experience as you when I decided to quit drinking 43 days ago. I absolutely feel like AA is cliquey, feel like a total outsider! I dropped my sponsor because I didn't feel comfortable sharing with her because of the judgement and the scolding.

Hearing everybody's story in meetings, while I identified with some of them, they generally made me more depressed. the guilt you feel for not going to a meeting every single day was all just too much for me!

So haven't been to a meeting in 2 weeks and just come on here SR several times a day, read what everybody is going through and post when I can when I have something to contribute to the conversation!

I will occasionally pop my head at AA meetings if I feel the urge to go but I'm not going to feel like if I don't go to a meeting I will relapse or die! I just don't think that's true at all!

Good luck to you! And message me if you want to talk!
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Old 05-24-2015, 04:55 AM
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Hi.
I needed to become involved in the program by making coffee, setting up the meetings chairs, pamphlets and then cleaning up after the meeting along with speaking and going on commitments to get acquainted with others in the meetings.

I also identify with the overdoing of drunkalogs. I want to hear about the rewards of being sober. I had to search for and start a meeting based on recovery which worked out well.

No one said sobriety is easy, but it gets easier if we don’t drink.

BE WELL
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by autumn4 View Post
I guess I feel weak , scared & brainwashed that AA really is the only way!!!
Not sure regarding your thoughts about God ? But, Celebrate Recovery is a much more gentle Program. Also, many in my church sobered up without AA.

MB
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:26 AM
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Rational Recovery
AVRT
SMART
Women for Sobriety
SOS
Life Ring

all have their own websites.

Whatever you do, do well and you can learn to live without drinking.
With love and hugs to you,
SB
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:29 AM
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Hi Autumn. I have had a similar experience. Have you taken a look at the Secular Recovery forum here? There ARE other options. I am finding SMART recovery quite helpful.

Keep searching. You CAN do this!
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:40 AM
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Hi Autumn - I felt somewhat like you about AA, I certainly felt that I didn't speak the right language, plus I didn't get much from the drunkalogues. For a while I thought there was something wrong with me because AA had been pushed as the only way to get sober at the detox establishment that I frequented. I tried different meetings until I found 2 that I liked the best, and which I attended regularly for 18 months, and I had a sponsor that I got on with pretty well with, but I don't think AA helped me to quit.

After a few months I also started attending weekly meetings on quitting addiction that were run by a social services agency in town, with a social worker as group leader. It was quite an eye-opener, as the social worker was completely neutral about AA, and did not push anyone to join AA. Also I found that almost all the other clients had tried AA for various lengths of time, but did not connect with it for various reasons. I also found these meeting much more useful to me than AA, plus I looked forward to going to the meetings, and generally had more in common with the people there than at AA. I realised that there was nothing wrong with me for not liking AA - I think there is about a 50/50 split between people who get AA and people who don't.

My advise is to look around for different types of recovery meetings.

BTW, I have been alcohol-free for over 2 years and 4 months, and have not gone to an AA meeting for about 2 years.
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:54 AM
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I used to get defensive when hearing negative things about AA, but I had an experience a few weeks back that made me a little more understanding.

I'm sober a long time, and getting kind of bored with my meetings, I ventured out to a new place I was very hopeful about. A men's meeting. I arrived a half an hour early. There were 3 guys there. They just looked at me when I went in. I introduced myself, they were cordial, said they still needed to set up, and then went about conversing with one another and pulling chairs out.

Being a good AA I offered to help. Long story short, half an hour passed, nobody said a word to me including a bunch of others who arrived for the meeting. They talked with each other, or buried themselves in their cellphones. During the secretaries break, I introduced myself as someone new to the group. During the coffee break I sat there, nobody spoke to me. Raised my hand to try and share during the meeting (only bout 20 people there), and wasn't called on. Stood alone at the end of the meeting, everybody started talking to someone else.

I hadn't felt that alone in AA in decades. If that were my first meeting, I'm pretty certain I'd never go back. I will probably never go back, to that meetings.

What I know though, is that's not typical. And fortunately, where I am there are lots and lots of meetings for me to choose from.

Even sober as long as I am I can still tend to be socially awkward at times. For that reason I've learned a bunch of things that help me to feel a lot more home at AA. In no particular order, I'll list some of them.
  • Go with a friend.
  • Take a commitment.
  • Go early, stay late.
  • Pray before, during, and after.
  • Take speaking commitments.
  • Search and find meetings I'm comfortable in.
  • Avoid meetings I'm not comfortable in.
  • Attend meetings with the intent of giving as opposed to getting.
  • Share about my real feelings, even if they're not so "great".
  • Be conscious of my meeting etiquette. Limit my sharing when going around the room to 3 or 4 minutes.
  • Go to step and Bigbook meetings. They're a lot more focused on recovery, tend to draw people who are more serious about their recovery, and generally deter cliques.
  • Get involved with the steps.
  • Find a new sponsor if the one I have isn't really helping anymore. I don't currently have any sponsor, but have had many over the years.
  • Find myself a homegroup I'm comfortable in, and be an active, supportive member.
I know. That's seems like a lot. But the returns I've gotten from AA have been well worth any investment I've made.
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:35 AM
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Some posts have been removed....please keep the discussion in line with answering the OP's question and not personal arguments about recovery methods.
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:50 AM
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I had similar experiences with AA and other fellowships. I read here about the welcoming AA and I never found it in the great many meetings I attended over my years in AA.

Eventually, I took the advice of a wise sponsor. You are not in AA to make friends. You go, you listen, and you reflect. While AA did not help me a lot in any practical way, it did give me a vision of what sobriety could be...which prepared me to do the things that helped more.

I avoided large (20 or more) meetings and found that small (4 to 10 people) meetings were best because people could speak in more depth, which I found was more useful than the 2 minute check-ins at large meetings. I myself rarely spoke which kept me out of the line of fire after meetings.

AA does not need to be an answer. It may just be a stop on your way to sobriety that gives you some little help.

For me it was going into therapy. Clinical psychologists really helped me. Some of us need one on one help---the group and the higher power just are not what are going to do it for us. We just need to be able to talk openly with one person.

Just figuring out what I needed was a big thing. AA was the laboratory where I did that--even if the conclusion was that AA was not what I needed.
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by autumn4 View Post
I guess I feel weak , scared & brainwashed that AA really is the only way!!!.
No, it's not the only way! There are as many paths as there are people with addiction problems, keep looking and you may find yours. The only caveat there is, in many places the only option is AA, in which case it gets harder - in that scenario, many people find their real support online (forums like this, email lists, chat rooms) and go to AA meetings just for some face to face contact. I couldn't stand AA either, you're far from alone.
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Old 05-24-2015, 07:14 AM
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You may wish to consider the clique from the other side The people I am friends with I've known for years and I consider them to be some of the finest people in the world.

They were there for me when my daughter died and I have been there for them during divorce, eviction, death, new life, illness cancer, and all the joys and sorrows life throws at us.

These are people that have earned my trust and friendship. We have history and a lot of it. These are people I can call at 2 in the morning and say I need help and they will be there for me no questions asked.

I am always very welcoming to people that are new and am inclusive but the sad reality is most return to drinking as soon as they start feeling better.

Friendship, trust, and respect are things that are earned and not things that are rights.
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Old 05-24-2015, 07:27 AM
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Congratulations on 13 months complete abstinence! Maybe it would be good for you to talk about why you feel weak and scared without the alcoholism context. The women only section of this forum is great as is the adult children of alcoholics. At 13 months you should be getting some relief. It sounds to me like you may need to switch gears a bit and work through some trauma.
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Old 05-24-2015, 09:22 AM
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It's definitely not the only way.

I didn't "fit in" to AA either. In the beginning I did enjoy it. It was nice to see others who had the same affliction as me. A sort of "comroderdy ." But after awhile, it was just hindering me more than helping me. AA has helped thousands of people, but it doesn't work for everybody and it is not the only way.

I highly suggest checking out Rational Reclvery, SMART, or LifeRing... All fantastic recovery methods with fantastic success.

Don't give up. You can do this my friend (-:
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Old 05-24-2015, 10:28 AM
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Not sure if anyone mentioned it but many roads one journey is a beautiful book that really helped me transition away from the 12 step model to one that is more survivor friendly, which is what I was really craving for years
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Old 05-24-2015, 10:56 AM
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This might not be the most popular response but if you've been sober for 13 months and not felt you had a big problem for 3 years and you don't like the meetings then stop going?

As others have said there are many alternatives to AA.
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Old 05-24-2015, 11:54 AM
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I feel like that too. I hear the war stories and the streetwise talk and I feel like I've lived a sheltered life!(albeit an ex boozy one for a half a dozen years)
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Old 05-24-2015, 12:20 PM
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It seems to me autumn 4 that you are the problem,not AA,nobody is forced to go to meetings.Find another recovery method.Many have already been mentioned,I have never heard of PTSD being caused by AA.
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Old 05-24-2015, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by 48heath View Post
It seems to me autumn 4 that you are the problem,not AA,nobody is forced to go to meetings.Find another recovery method.Many have already been mentioned,I have never heard of PTSD being caused by AA.
I knew someone who had a bad case of PTSD. He had a hard time being around groups of people. Brought back bad memories, like flashbacks. He just couldn't deal with sitting through meetings.
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