sleepie

Drinking again. 2 out of three days. It's been 10 to 12 day stretches without drinking, then I go back.

I don't seem to be able to do the one day at a time, one day feels so long, a week an eternity. So nervous, anxious the whole time. Always living in the future, never ok with now. I hate now. Now is rarely good. I'm not Ghandi, Buddha, or Mother Teresa. I'm just a normal, twitchy dissatisfied human being.

My time here seems to be just a catalogue of failure after failure, with small stretches of relative okay-ness in between. Sorry for being a time waster. I am ashamed that I don't have it together. Someone pointed out how long I have been here, yes that hit home- I suck. I haven't gotten it yet.

I dream of having a year and being able to tell of it. But maybe that isn't my story to tell.

JaneLane

You don't suck and you're not a failure.

10 to 12 days is an achievement and you mentioned that taking it day by day seems difficult. Do you have any other support apart from SR? I don't know if you go to AA, but when I'm particularly struggling I find it really useful to go there, share and get things out face-to-face.

Dee74

It took me a full 15 years to get to a point where I could quit for good, sleepie.

I think 3 main things changed for me.

The first was I accepted that drinking would never solve my problems. I needed to take drinking off the table for good as a coping mechanism

The second is tied to the first. I needed to be prepared for discomfort. That was really difficult for me cos I'd spent most of my life running away from discomfort.

But in the end I learned that I could handle disconfort - it didn't kill me.

Lastly I needed to be prepared to make whatever changes were necessary in my life to support my desire to stay sober.

that was rough too - it meant my life changed substantially, because my old life was all about drinking.

I changed friends, I changed places and I changed the way I deal with problems - both physical and mental.

I found there was a lot of support around, & that I could use that support...and that, while learning to reach out before I drank was hard, it didn't kill me either


D

sleepie

What did you do when you just couldn't take it and something irritated you to the point you drank? What did you do instead? I have so many life experiences that make me sad and angry. Suppressing it just turns me into a neurotic mess. Drinking alleviates that and comes with it's own world of trouble.

What did you do when you were just sick of it all?

Dee74

I did a lot of things - I kicked the wall a few times (had to pay for that) I bought an exercise bike and pedalled that, I played my guitar or listened to music really loud in headphones...I had breathing exercises and relaxation techniques...but mostly I came here.

I found not only did support help me, but me supporting others helped me too.

Don't get the idea any of this was easy - it wasn't.

It's a lot easier to go buy a bottle in the beginning.

But I finally decided that would be the wrong thing for me to do. I didn't want to be that person any more.

I was willing to try other ways and. over time they worked better and better

D

sleepie

How did you find hope Dee? You seem to have had some "life's not fair" experiences. I've had mine. It p***es me off to no end. I can't handle anymore "not fair". I've almost come to expect it and that makes it a self fullfilling situation on repeat. I don't dare hope anymore, at my age, with my life.

JaneLane

I don't keep my anger inside at all anymore. I'm one of those people that bottles things up then it turns in on me, which is not cool.

My personal favourite is to call up a friend and unleash the extent of my potty-mouth upon them, about how irritated I am with life and this person and this person... Or I come onto SR if I don't feel like getting verbal.

My favourite is to nip it in the bud before it takes over my head and I do that by getting on my yoga mat.

I have some back up techniques too:

1. A violent horror film. I don't know why, but watching one really helps when I'm relatively irritated.
2. Dancing. I use the term loosely. Headphones, 80s hair metal...done.
3. Writing. I write a lot and it's a good way for me to vent.
4. Running. I'm not much of a runner but it exhausts me and I like to think about the frustration during the run so by the time I'm done, it's all gone.

It's really hard to stop the train of thought before it turns into auto-pilot drinking, but the more you catch it, the better you get at it.

otter

I had to make myself sick about 25-30 times (detox) before my body didn't crave alcohol anymore. Did you ever get the flu or food poisoning after eating something and just couldn't eat that food anymore? It's kind of like that.

There's much easier ways of quitting.

Watching episodes of "Intervention" on A&E (their available on-line) help me. I get to see where I used to be at and remind myself why I don't want to go back. Your mileage may may vary.

Don't get disappointed when it takes more than one try. It's not easy. But don't use that as an excuse or a crutch either.

I wish you nothing but the best.

MIRecovery

In the not fair department my daughter died of cancer at 28 last July. From diagnosis to death was 6 months now in my book that is beyond unfair.

I never drank because there there is no problem alcohol wouldn't make worse but trust me it wasn't easy.

How did I stay sober? All of the things Dee said plus AA, prayer, friends, family, professional help and most importantly was that no matter how bad I am hurting alcohol is simply not an option.

Although one part of my life is beyond horrible I have a ton of good things in my life and I thank God for them daily.

There are a million reasons to drink but none of them are good

Dee74

I focused on unfairness for a lot of years.
Now I focus on gratitude.

My challenges are still there - in fact some of them are worse now - but despite everything I think I'm a lucky guy.

I didn't change my outlook overnight. It took a lot of work and a lot of time.

I'm sure you have a lot to be grateful and thankful for too, sleepie?

I think hope springs from that?

D

MIRecovery

Gratitude is key. I continually have to remind myself of what I do have not what I don't. I have far more blessings than tragedy

JaneLane

I didn't know about your daughter's death. I'm so sorry to hear that

JaneLane

Like the other folks have said, gratitude is a big thing. There's actually a gratitude thread on this forum that I've posted to a couple of times. It's sometimes cool to scroll back and see what other people are grateful for to get some more perspective.

Things change a lot though Sleepie. Last week I was grateful for the sunshine and cups of tea. This week I'm grateful for landing a new job, sunshine and cups of tea :-)

Tc4ever

Hi Sleepie
What M.I.R. said is a way of life I really am trying to adopt and live. I'm really working on not just saying it, but truly feeling it. Easier said than done sometimes at this point for me. I've been reading your posts for quite a while and a lot of them have inspired me. Please keep posting your thoughts and I know we can do this....
TC

skg

If you want to drink, that's your business. If you want to stop, AA can help.

Try everything else to find an easier softer way if you have to, but if you get to the last house on the street and you've run out of hope, when your choices are life or death, there is a solution. Ask me how I know.

amandamarie

It does not matter how long you have been here without yet accomplishing your goals. All that matters is that you are still trying. Give yourself some credit for that. Also if one day feels so long, maybe you should say I will not drink this hour, and go from their. Do not let someone pointing out how long you have been here deter you from staying, and make you feel bad, Just keep posting, and asking for support.

tomsteve

First off a comment on this:
I'm not Ghandi, Buddha, or Mother Teresa. I'm just a normal....
I recall reading quite soe time ago that all three of them admitted, in one way or another, they are no Ghandi's,mother Theresa's, or buddha's. They were human and had human emotions and feelings,too.

Welp, when I was drinking and something irritated me...I drank. Then felt pretty crappy about it. Then I drank for feeling crappy. Then I got irritated and drank.
Vicious cycle.
Then I got sober. When something irritated me early on- when life on life's terms came up that I had to deal with, the reaction that was practiced for many,many years came to mind- get drunk.
And telling myself that drinking alleviated it was one huge lie. Never once helped,mwhich I can see and admit today.
But by this time I had it from my head to my heart that drinking never worked as a solution. It only made everything worse.
What I did was became willing to learn. Became open minded. Got me some humility to use other peoples suggestions- not just listen to them, but put them into action.
I saw a LOT of people who had been in my shoes- peoe that knew where I was and got out from under it all and they learned a new way of living. They looked quite peaceful, happy, and content with life. I had heard quite a bit of some serious life happening to people and yet didn't hear drinking as a solution.
That gave me hope and for some reason I knew it wasn't going to be easy at first. I had a LOT of learning to do. Hell, my whole life revolved around alcohol for many,many years.My solution for every problem for many years was get drunk so it was going to take T.I.M.E.
And it did take time. Life on life's tens would come up, the thought of get drunk would hit, but I refused to allow that thought to control my actions.
And as promised, I ceased fighting alcohol. The problem was removed.

In short- when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired
When the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality
When I was at the end of my rope
I surrendered
And went to AA.
I've got hope for ya,sleepie, but yer gonna have to want to get sober more than anything else and be willing to do whatever it takes no matter what recovery method is involved.
And it WILL be worth it.

zjw

I dunno why But I absolutly love how your said that. If you dont mind I might reuse that one.

But even Jesus Christ himself asked if it was his fathers will that the cup be taken from him he begged and pleeded that god remove that if it was gods will.

Do you think Your any different then any of them?

So what if its not? You think you still would not have a purpose?

I know someone who has issues with alcohol and drinks now and then and has long stretches of sobriety. it was not always this way with this person. They draink daily for years begging to be free of it. There still not free but they do get weeks and months even alcohol free now. I'd say its good progress.

I woke up beligerant this morning myself. For no reason or any reason i could find. I dont know why i woke up like this. I feel I slept well etc.. but some reason I woke up really edgey and pissed off. To be 100% honest I felt like i could use a good stiff drink! But I cant do that. I've got an array of tools now in my box at my disposal. I tried writing some now I"m drinking tea and trying to enjoy some quiet time to calm my S*#T down. I did not ask for this I just woke up this way. But Drinking wont fix it. and I know in time it will pass. Feelings like this are transient they come and they go. I guess the worry for me is while i should be working i'm instead trying to calm myself down. I could loose my job over this. But it is what it is and today i'm sober and I'm happy for that.

Hang in there keep working on building up your tool box of tools at your disposal to keep you from drinking. Sometimes its a call to a friend or a post here or a walk or book or a cup of tea or a nice meal etc... Its hard to figure out what we need to be healthy.

Drummer5000

Hey sleepie, I hope you find your way. I feel like you all to often. I wish I could imagine a world in which I don't ever drink, or where I am hitting a year of sobriety, but it mostly seems like a fairy tail. Like "its not my story to tell." That terrifies me sometimes. I am right there with ya.

2muchpain

A guy at a meeting I went to the other day said any day he is above ground not under it is a good day. I think in order to remain sober for any length of time, it's very important to change your perspective on things. Entertaining negative thoughts is a mindset that needs to change IMO. Whenever something negative or unfair happens to me, I try to replace it with something good that happened that probably would not have happened if I was drinking. If don't do that, all I'll do is stay stuck on the unfair things that happens to me and that always leads me back to drinking to get some relief.
I'm not saying it's easy. Seeing things one way for many years is very hard to change, but it can be done but it takes a lot of work and a lot of time.
Wishing you well. John