MelindaFlowers

I always relapsed before because in the very back of my mind I thought drinking again was an inevitability. And if it was going to happen someday, somehow, why not tonight? I think I even kind of look forward to some disaster happening that would give me an excuse to drink.

I used to say stuff like "well if there's a death in the family I guess I'll drink." Now I can honestly say that if there was a death in the family I will not drink.

MelindaFlowers

I hate it when a typo totally CHANGES the meaning if what I wrote!!!

I USED to look forward to some disaster happening so I would have an excuse to drink. Not anymore.

LadyinBC

Me too! I could even make myself have a bad day or good day, it was all in how I manipulated the day.

Gottalife

sounds like something was on your side there, where you couldn't drink even though you wanted to. Wow.

The statement I bolded is a powerful one for me. As we know a lot of folks place restrictions on what they are prepared to do to recover, probably because they genuinely believe they don't need to go to the same lengths as others. That could well be because they underestimate what they are up against.

silentrun

Thanks. That is how I have felt this whole time from the moment the delusion broke. Something has been stacking the deck in my favor and leading me to the next thing. I am not a believer in the supernatural but I go with it anyway.

anattaboy

I think it's natural for us humans to be Super SR.

silentrun

Me too. I kept hearing that Tool song I know the pieces fit because I watched them fall away.

esinger

I drank again cause I wanted to. Knew it was killing me but every aspect of my social life revolved around it. Unfortunately only one option was presented to me and I embraced it in an all or nothing fashion. Started to become a drone repeating others and expecting others to buy into my new found "enlightenment". When I started questioning myself and others, I used the very same ideology against myself and used my "disease" as an excuse. After all this isn't my fault--- is it? Well guess what that didn't fly with anyone. Even I knew inside the real reason was that the cure bored me to death and I really didn't want to quit. After going around a couple times I realized I had to get off this run away train before it crashed and I was bloodied beyond recognition..
Now I realize that it's up to me. There is nothing mystical and magical about being sober and responsible. Sure I could go out and drink but the consequences would far out way any relief or social benefits. Or I can remain sober and reinvent myself, reestablish my family relations and try to be content with who I am. For me now it is a simple choice. Live or die.
We are all different. There is no one size fits all instruction manual for sobriety or life.

dwtbd

For what I think of as sobriety one manual, more like a booklet' Stop and Dont ', as far as the manual on life , isn't there a guy in a robe on a mountain or something?

LiveforToday22

I agree with all the the posts but I have one question. When does someone change? When they want to, you must have that desire to stay sober in your mind, body and soul.

esinger

That's it. You can make it as complicated or as simple as you see fit. With out wanting it going through the motions is a waste of time.

MelindaFlowers

You have to change the way you view alcohol.

It sound so simple but you have to take it off the table as an option.

Life is going to give everyone crap at some time.

You except that you can literally never ever ever ever drink ever ever never.

Once you accept that and are okay with that then you're ready to go.

NYCDoglvr

In 23.5 years I've never relapsed and it's thanks to AA, but also the fact I just don't drink TODAY. I never think "I'll never drink again" because how could I know that?

uncle holmes

I relapsed cause I couldn't cope with sobriety for any great length of time without drinking. But I also couldn't cope with the after affects of drinking.

My answer to this merry-go-round of going in and out of AA for 10 years: Stay sober for a little while until sobriety became unbearable. Then return to sobriety when drinking became unbearable.

I knew no other way. I tried AA, psychologists. Nothing worked. As my alcoholism progressed, I realized I was headed for trouble. Something had to give. My rock bottoms were getting worse.

esinger

Guy on the mountain kept kicking boulders down at me so I'll just stay down here on level ground.

MIRecovery

I don't believe I ever really relapsed because I don't believe I ever really quit. There was always that fantasy that someday I could drink normally. I abstained for 6 years and it was hell because the thought of drinking never left me. Then I had a glass of wine that started me on a 4 year death spiral.

Today I know for an absolute fact that to drink again means a death that is sooner than later.

Once I surrendered to the reality that I can never drink again life became so much easier

MelindaFlowers

Exactly. I never relapsed. I wasn't done drinking. During every other failed attempt at sobriety I still wanted to drink. I genuinely wanted to drink and I knew it. In June 2014 I changed and did not want to drink anymore.

MelindaFlowers

I changed from wanting to drink to not wanting to drink when I was so physically run down at 32 that a simple day at work turned into mental anguish and feelings of doom. I drank seven days a week and I was hung over 7 days a week.

Classic hangovers where a thing of the past. I hadn't vomited in years. But I sweated heavily every day, had extremely high blood pressure, Splitting headache, heart palpitations, daily diarrhea 3 to 5 times, flushed complexion, like my face looked like a tomato, and what I would describe as panic attacks or near panic attacks where I had trouble even taking a full breath. I had also gained 50 lbs from drinking about 1800 calories a day. I was medically "obese."

This was my life 365 days a year and I simply could not take it anymore. That is when I changed.

Soberintexas007

I like this post and agree with it. I have had several relapses in my past, but the only thing that matters is that I am sober today. I may or may not drink tomorrow, that is uncertain.

Because I am an alcoholic, I cannot control my drinking. One drink leads to many more which often has negative consequences. Knowing this, I choose for myself whether or not to have the next drink and risk those consequences. Today I chose to worry about those potential consequences, and so I chose not to drink today.

Soberintexas007

There has to be a deep desire to change, which can then result in long-term sobriety. But that desire may weaken over time and that person may drink again. The process then starts again until that person wants to change again.