MrsVain

i am divorced for a year from my AX. he was basically a good person. i am still not sure wtf happened to our marriage, but after a hellish 2013 where his drinking got worse, he found some hoodrat who sympathized (and enabled) with him, i kicked him out and he moved in with her. And she wouldnt give him a second to think for himself. anyways, i divorced him and we havent seen or heard from him since fathers day.

i was wondering about his health and the effects drinking heavily has. i know just about almost nothing about alcoholism, which was one of our main issues. when he started staying out all night drinking, i got offended and suspected he was cheating instead of drinking (and i guess he finally did). i didnt handle it well, on top of grieving for my daughters death, i wonder if it was all my fault......BUT i am good where i am at (except for missing him and being abandoned)....

anyway, he has always drank heavily. but for the first 10 years of our marriage, he seemed to function really good and seemed to be at least TRYING to keep a hold of it. of course he still got 2 DWI in those years plus another one in the last 4. (yep 3 total so far) anyhow his drinking got really bad the last 4 years. he was mostly a binge drinker on weekends. he could drink a case or two cases, rarely hard liquor cuz it made him sick (but still did it more then i would like) just on Friday, Saturday and sometimes Sunday. he would sometimes (rarely) go a whole week without drinking but usually had 3 to 6 drinks a night.

he drank that way all of 2013 progressively getting worse by the end of the year. i really havent seen much of him in 2014 or 2015, but i have heard that he has been drinking even more heavily to the point of blacking out on occasions. i believe he recently got a job so he might have slowed down a little but i am still thinking he is drinking 3-6 beers a night and probably a case or so on the weekends.

my question (finally, sorry) is if he drinks like this, how long will his health hold up. how long before he starts getting sick from it and exactly what does drinking do. all i know is it is bad for your liver.

can someone help me with this? my apologizes if it is a duplicate question or if i posted in the wrong place.

i am also wondering if he will ever remember me and his kids. right now he doesnt think of me or them. he seems to forgot we exist. for the first 3 months last year he didnt see his kids, then end of march i started the every other week visitations. His hood rat interferred, wouldnt let him visit his boys for 4 hours every other week, she HAD to be there, she wouldnt let him talk, he would start talking to the kids and she would interrupt. when they were playing basketball, catch, tag, she would throw herself bodily on AX and in between him and his sons. this is what my boys told me, i wasnt stalking no matter how he tried to tell me i was supervising his visits. i put a stop to park and his house visits after his hood rat continued to disrespect me. she would call just to tell me off and tell me "HE IS MINE NOW" and other sh*T. she would lie and say he wasnt home. she started lying to the kids about me just to make her and AX look better. the kids did not want her around when they saw their dad. so i started visits at my house where i would go outside while they stayed and watched movies and talked or whatever. if they went outside i was far away in the garage, so i gave him his space. but of course HoodRat got very angry about that, manipulated him into thinking i was "trying to get him back" and "watching his every move" which is the reason we havent seen him since fathers day last year.

but it is killing me that i am completely NOTHING to him. like our 14 years didnt happen. He just moved on. AX is now living with the same hood rat. from what i can tell he is doing good. looks good in pictures. new clothes. got his truck fixed, working side jobs (probably to avoid child support) She lets him drink. hell., she drinks with him. i guess they both are very happy now. but it KILLS me knowing that i was nothing to him. i gave my all to him and i am just NOTHING. he doesnt even think of me. doesnt miss me. doesnt care how much pain i am in. hell. he doesnt even care if i lose my job or house. ADD in the 2 beautiful boys i gave him and it just shatters my world.

so hard to forget. so hard to let him go when i loved him so much. so hard to watch his downfall, and even worse that his life appears good. now he has what he wants, and to hell with everything we had in the past. i guess it is just too hard for me to understand. but i cant change it. i cant control it. my heart is exploded and ripped to shreads, and his is doing better with her then he was with me. life goes on thou, you cant stop it. it hurts like hell, but what can you do? not a damn thing, moving forward only because there is no other way to go.

i just cant understand how he could move on so quickly and not seem to care how he hurt us or if we are even doing ok. i keep wondering if he will hit rock bottom, apparently losing his wife and kids, house and job, was not enough for rock bottom. will he ever call us? think of us? do the right thing by us? at least pay child support? will he ever want to be with his kids? his own flesh and blood? he cant have any more. is she really better for him? is he really happy without me and his sons? or are we just so forgettable? is it the alcohol that is making him act like this or is he just an uncaring a$$hole with no heart? which is hard for me to believe giving he was really active with the kids and did so much for me also. was it all an act.

i just cant move forward. i am stuck thinking i was absolutely NOTHING to him and he doesnt even care about his own sons.

i know this is two different issues. and i apologize for it being so long. but for me they are the same issue and i am so lost and desperate for answers. any advice is welcome.

Latte

I'm sorry.

This is probably a great time to get some help, because there is nothing you can do to make him care, but there is something you can do to help you get well. Alcoholism makes entire families sick-not just the alcoholic.

yinzer

Methinks you should get some counseling because it's not worth your life and your kids' lives worrying and wondering about him. You cannot control him; you can only control you. You have two beautiful boys. Concentrate on them. The questions you ask about your ex are ones we cannot really answer....all of us drunks were/are different.
Al-Anon might help you as well.

SoberAlky

I also second the recommendation for Al-Anon and therapy. As for how long he'll live, that's a question no one can really answer. I cheated death multiple times and I'm still here to tell my cautionary tale. Only a doctor could make that judgment call after bloodwork and a thorough physical exam, and even then, people have been known to beat the odds. At my worst, I was given 3 months had I continued to drink the way I did.

MrsVain

i realize every alcoholic is different. but i was hoping for a little more insight of how alcoholics feel and think as well as what the general health concerns are. i havent found anything for beginners like me just trying to find out information. i have gathered bits and pieces here and there but there havent found Alcoholism 101. i was hoping to gather information by people sharing their own health issues from drinking. maybe i just didnt word it right. Or more likely was wrong in even asking.

i appreciate your answers. as much as my heart hurts and is broken, i am actually doing relatively well. in fact, the children and i are getting ready to take a trip. i work, i take care of my kids. i go to school functions. pretty much everything i was doing before without the drama and stress of wondering where my husband was and what he was doing. But i am not going to lie and say i dont miss him. being in love with someone who just randomly stops being in love with you really really hurts. i am aware that the reason "WHY" really doesnt matter but i was hoping that someone would share their story about losing their wife and kids and what happened. i guess i was hoping in hearing other peoples stories i could piece together the future. huh. i am probably wrong in that way of thinking also.

thank you again for your responses. my apologizes if i offended any one.

NOLAGirl

Hi MrsVain, I'm not an alcoholic but an adult child of an alcoholic mother. I've been witness to my mom's slow, deliberate decline so I might be able to answer questions relating to your AX's prospective health concerns. Of course it's very individual to the person/how their body reacts, and a lot of it would be determined by the decisions your AX makes over the next months, years, etc. If you would like to talk to me about this, feel free to comment here, or even messaging me might be better. I always felt like it was easier to cope knowing what I could expect, being aware of worst case scenario, so I could better prepare myself in the event it would happen.

MelindaFlowers

All that I can add after reading thousands of posts about people's worries and experiences with damaging their health with booze, is that the body has a pretty astounding ability to rebound when alcohol is removed completely. This doesn't mean drinking once a month, cutting back, or relapsing every now and then.

This means the person stops drinking completely. There are people who's organs failed, jaundiced, the whole bit and made a full recovery with complete abstinence.

As someone who damaged my health pretty seriously, all I can say is STOP drinking now.

I hope your ex-husband can stop.

MrsVain

thank you. i do not see him stopping anytime soon. when he was with me he would cut down. mostly drank on weekends but he would even not drink on the weekends sometimes. (not very often) sometimes he would only drink a few beers.

but now that he has someone who doesnt care how much he drinks, i am thinking he is drinking heavily on the weekends and probably 3-6 beers a night. he was doing that right before i kicked him out. i believe he has continued this pattern because like i said, she enables him as well as drinks with him. he might not drink EVERY night, but i doubt it. If anything he has slowed down to 1-3 drinks a night IF he has to work early the next day. he wasnt ready to stop when he was with me, even thou i asked him to go to AA. in fact he told me flat out "No. i will not go to aa. all my friends drink, so what would that make me if all my friends are drinking and i am not?" my only thought was "it would make you a person who cares about his wife and kids" Obviously when he said his "friends" he meant his girlfriend. she is a need a drink a night to relax type of person and of course you have to drink on the weekends to have fun at the parties.

so stopping completely is NOT going to happen. I dont know if i am just wondering if he will stop or get help if his health starts to go down. Is beer as bad as hard liquor? does it take longer to effect the health if they are only drinking beer?

NoGoingBack

MrsV, Hi..

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. you are not alone and as Latte said above, alcoholism makes families sick, not just the alcoholic.

As far as your questions about health go, there's no straight answer and there's no "alcohol 101", if only it were that simple!

Google search for alcohol side effects or similar, you'll find info but alcohol abuse is a very hard thing to summarise. Some people have severe side effects drinking relatively little over a short space of time, others can have few side effects drinking large amounts over a long period. It depends on individual physiology, drink of choice, diet, other health issues to name but a few.

It's hard to even start when it comes to the difficulties you've explained with your relationship, kids & the "other woman".

I'd echo what others have said and strongly advise you to seek some counselling, possibly with your children as well if you think they are old enough to go through it.

I don't know whereabouts you are but I'd suggest you start with your doctor and go from there. Help is out there, seek and you'll find it.

What stands out for me is that you should take care of yourself and the kids, whatever happens with your ex is going to happen and I'd suggest that his top priority at the moment is himself. Leave him to it while you find the support you and the children deserve.

You can't change the past, but you Can take control of your future.

Sending warm thoughts your way
NGB

MrsVain

Thank you NGB. the kids did have counseling and are doing really really well....as am i. i mean i have my days where i miss him and worry. but for the most part i am finding closure. (so many missing puzzle pieces were found on this site)

I am afraid that people have the wrong impression regarding my post. i am only trying to find information for my own peace of mind. i am NOT trying to save him. we are currently NO Contact (he initiated) although i know where he is and a little about what he is doing, he has no clue that i know. i have no phone number and no physical address. he has not called to see the kids in 9 months. And the kids are handling that really well... better then i did. they are normal cheerful secure boys. 13 year old is STILL in counselling but mostly he talks about school now, he has finally figured out how to control his anger and is not as upset as before.

i AM taking care of myself and the boys. i am just curious. as well feel more prepared if i have an IDEA of what may happen. if that makes sense. i am not planning on contacting him about ANYTHING. However, i feel like i am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. at SOME point he is bound to remember he has 2 sons and want to see him. OF COURSE I WILL HANDLE THAT when and if it happens. but i was wondering if anyone who was or is an alcoholic, who left his family because of his drinking, EVER felt that way. How long was it before you remembered you had children, what did you think, how did you reconnect with them or did you try to reconnect with them. what were your expectations about seeing them after X amount of time. i guess did you feel bad for treating your XW and children badly, did you ever "come to your senses" and do the right thing?

i guess i am wondering HOW can my XH just move on and forget us and act like those 14 years and 2 kids never happen. i asked before if that was "normal" for an alcoholic to do and was told yes. it was fairly normal. so is it also "normal" for the alcoholic to "remember" his kids. does he MISS us at all, does he EVER think of us at all. or does drowning his feelings with a beer or 6 a night allow him to "forget" all the bad things he did to us?

i am afraid i am not very good at asking what i need.

biminiblue

Alcohol does drown all emotions. It lets the alcoholic put off doing all the things a normal person would do. That is the essence of alcohol. Numbing and feeling only pleasure that's created by tickling the pleasure center of the brain.

There really aren't complicated emotions when he is drinking. It is the animal/base part of the brain in control. Not the prefrontal cortex, which controls rational thought.

He may come around. He may not. You are torturing yourself with these questions that no one can answer. You may never get answers from him. He is obviously not in a condition to have a conscience right now. Will he ever? No one can answer that.

For your own peace of mind try to keep thoughts of him out of your thinking. Try meditation or yoga. Let him go. Say a prayer that he finds happiness, health, and peace and then give it to God. No one else can help him.

Dee74

I've never abandoned anyone in my life - I have pushed others to breaking point in my addiction tho, and they left me - but generally I never walked away...I was the last person in the room turning the lights off genuinely surprised there was noone there waiting for me.

That's an alcoholic for ya.

But...I'm not saying I was a great partner tho. I had another love in the relationship - alcohol - and often, I put that love first.
and I guess you've made me think - maybe it was a 'little abandonment', or a temporary detour, if I'm honest.

I can't sugarcoat it. That was a crappy thing to do.

whats in store for your ex? who knows.

He may turn things around, he may not...he may stop soon or he may live the rest of his life the way he is now. No one of us can predict the path of another.

I wish him, and you, well tho
D

MrsVain

thank you Dee74 for sharing your story. i was taking by surprise when he disappeared. it NEVER entered my mind that he would abandon his children the way he did. The man i married wanted a family and children so much, he was active in the childrens lives from the day they were born. it shocked me that he could just walk away from them....

maybe i was hoping he would "get well" or "get sober" or "get help" and come back to us. since my divorce, i have read everything on just about every subject. i know abandonment is bad for the children (as well as put me thru hell tooo), i read all the statistics on future of children who have been abandoned. of course i never wanted this for my kids and i never dreamed he would disappear. the man i married, would not have.

to be honest, i am STILL not sure WTF happened. yes, we had issues. yes, we had problems. yes, most of those problems revolved around his drinking. BUT to me, all those problems were fixable one way or another. even if he didnt get help, i would have stood by his side. i take of things, i dont know any other way to be. it is who i am. i would have continued to carry him and the whole family. i guess i just dont understand how, and why he left. And then when he just disappeared, it was even more confusing.

so even that i dont understand why he stopped loving me, stopped wanting to stay with me, and did not want to continue being with me. i even more so dont understand how or why he abandoned his children.

i guess i was thinking that he would continue to be a daddy to them even thou we got divorced. I mean, many people do after divorce because the love they have for their children is strong, and they just can not go on without having their children in their lives at some level.....i know i wouldnt or COULDNT live a single day without mine.

i guess i was hoping to blame the alcohol for his actions. i know the 'woman' he is with is manipulative, so i was hoping to blame his absence on her too.

i guess that it really doesnt matter. he did not love me enough to fight for our marriage. he STILL does not love us to even spend time with his children. He is weak minded and spineless. his family, his wife, his kids mean NOTHING to him. i am going to have to accept it. whatever HIS excuse is, it will not change the pain we have gone thru. i will have to figure out how to struggle thru life without him no matter what his reasons on.

least

But parenting is a two person job. If he's not doing his job, you don't need to pick up after him. It must be exhausting doing the work of both parents.

I hope you have support and use it. A breakup is never easy, especially when there are kids involved.

newfriend

Hi MrsV ~

I am an adult child of an alcoholic and all I can tell you is that the entire family is in need of ongoing treatment. Even when our alcoholic died, I magically thought things would improve and we oddly are just living out the same dysfunction with my remaining family members.

It is painful and I validate your pain. Sadly, you won't ever know what he is thinking, nor can you or your kids control any of it. He is ill. His illness is consuming him.

In terms of the physical effects - for my experience, I watched the alcoholic have wildly uncontrollable diabetes with frequent sugar shocks, liver disease, many, many falls/accidents, worsening mental ability, waiting on a transplant list, DUIs, forced rehab, psoriasis, heart disease, brain damage, vomiting blood and esophageal banding procedures. Basically the alcoholism is serious on its own but it also amplifies any other medical condition that is there.

Alcoholism untreated, will probably kill the alcoholic at some point.

Everyone is different, but that was my experience.

LaTraviata

I'm so sorry. Your pain is palpable. Do whatever you need to in order to find peace.

Speaking as a now-sober alcoholic, I promise you that alcoholics do love very deeply. But too often, we're not able to act on that love by being there for others the way we should.

I still love someone who is a practicing alcoholic. He cannot be there for me and because he has no desire to stop drinking, I don't expect that to change. For me, I find peace in thinking of him as someone in a type of vegetative state: What he does/doesn't do isn't based on what he feels, but rather on his disability. I sadly accept this, and carry on. It doesn't alleviate my loss and disappointment, but it does lift the burden of my anger.

MrsVain

Thank you LaTraviata, i will try to keep that in mind. But it doesnt stop the hurt. i dont think he thinks of us at all. i also dont think he loves us either. it has been 9 months. he has moved on. he is "over" us. if he loved us deeply, he would at least drive by when he is in, he doesnt. once he drove past me when i was getting gas. he didnt even turn his head. i just dont exist to him anymore. if he loved his children deeply, he would be curious to if they are ok. but he doesnt even care. he doesnt ask. he doesnt talk to anyone who knows us. he doesnt even call. unable to act is one thing, but you would think he would show interest. he doesnt.

thank you new friend, for validating my pain. i am trying to accept that i will never know the "how could he" or the "why". it is something i have been struggling as more time goes by and he doesnt even call. it amazes me how someone could just forget their past that way. i believe it has more to do then just alcoholism. he is seriously disordered and damaged. what kind of man can do that? i am also slowly getting over caring if alcohol kills him or not. he comes from a long line of alcoholics. all his family, especially the ones he keeps company with are all alcoholics or drug addicts. they all twist reality to justify their crazy behaviors. he has a high metabolism and tolerance. i am sure even if it finally gets to him. it will be years and years later.

thank you least, even if it is a two person job. i am still doing it single. and have been for a while. my problem is i just CANT understand how a person can stay away from their own children. i cant understand it because there is no way i could. but it really doesnt matter if i understand it. he doesnt want to do the work to stay in his kids life just like he didnt want to do the work to stay in his marriage. it doesnt matter what he is feeling. he might love me deeply, but without doing anything about it, it just doesnt matter, does it? he might really love and miss his boys, but without doing anything about it, it also just doesnt matter.

we needed him. we loved him unconditionally. we wanted him just the way he was...... and it did not matter to him. he replaced us with someone more easier to deal with, with someone who made him feel "better" about what he was doing even thou we were not doing anything to make him feel "bad".

newfriend

Hi MrsV ~

You have to accept that at this moment, your husband as you loved him no longer exists. The disease is making all of the decisions, not him. I sincerely doubt he was sober when he began the affair, or that he is sober on most nights he is with her. He is NOT SOBER. So he is NOT THINKING CLEARLY.

I have no doubt that he loved you guys. But he is now consumed by alcohol, shame, etc. Seeing you guys probably creates feelings of self loathing that are difficult for him.

At any rate - it is none of your business what anyone else thinks about you - your business is YOU! IT is one of the great gifts of Alanon and AA - you get the right to be a little selfish for a while!

I know it is hard, but try to focus on YOU and getting the help YOU and YOUR kids need. Can't control the ex- none of us can!

MrsVain

thank you biminiblue. i dont know why i just saw this.

very well said. i know that i will never get any answers. i am moving forward because i have no other way to go. but my soul is dying, i keep wondering "WHY" and "HOW could he". but at the end of the day, it just doesnt matter does it.

thank you. i did not realize it was such a hard question. (that nobody could answer). this site has helped me so much. i am S.L.O.W.L.Y. getting to the point that it doesnt matter.

MrsVain

thank you again, newfriend. i am sure what you said has truth to it. i guess THAT is why i struggle so much. surely IF he had (has) SOME love for us, he would be worried. he would care, he would "TRY" something. it is beyond my mental ability to think otherwise. the fact that he just turned his back and walked out to disappear into the sunset with the b*tch KILLS me.

i WISH i could think it was the alcohol. i WISH i could blame the alcohol and the alcohol thinking. but in his case, it is something MORE. i have read how OTHER alcoholics still show their love to their kids. they STILL do the right thing by sending money or calling or SOMETHING....

i am trying to get all the little pieces of my shattered heart back together. The problem is that man i loved is STILL THERE!!! he is STILL doing all the things he did for me and for the kids. he is just doing it now for HER!!!!

believe me i have learned the hard way (which seems to be the only way i learn) that i can not CONTROL him. i have also learned that there are so many people who do not think the same way i do. loyalty, honesty, integrity, accountability....they are few who have these values. i never never never thought he didnt. you see, i knew what he was soon after i married him. I loved him anyway. as long as he kept trying i was willing to forgive his many many mistakes. i have no idea WTF happened in 2013. it was almost like a light switch, and he just quit trying. where is the justice? this hood rat is evil, manipulative. i have no doubt in my mind that she tricked him and brain washed him with drugs and alcohol. but what i dont understand is NOW a year later, how can he just forget.

but i am S.L.O.W.L.Y getting to the point where i accept that i meant absolutely NOTHING to him. it is not the alcohol that made me mean NOTHING. sure he drinks to smother his emotions but surely there are times he is sober. the times he is sober, he STILL doesnt care about me or the kids. how can a man do that? how can a man be that way?

thank you for your concern. i am doing ok. i am just sad and heartbroken but life goes on. my focus is my kids and i do whatever i can for them. they are the only thing that keep me going. they are all i have left. i have determined that just being a good person, that just doing the right thing is not good enough but being that i do not know any other way, i continue doing it. it is just so sad that my life is what it is because of HIS decisions.