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trapped

Old 03-24-2015, 04:05 PM
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trapped

I am here in Costa Rica on vacation with my husband and daughter. First of all let me say I know I am fortunate to escape the NE cold, but to be honest I would prefer the cold over the 95 degree heat.

We are all staying in one room which would not be a problem except that my husband snores…really really bad. He is not overweight, in fact he is in great shape. I have spent 3 nights on a cot mattress on the bathroom floor trying to avoid his noise, he did one night on the cot and only moved it into the tiny hall so it wasn't any help. The problem is when I shut the door there is no AC so I either roast or lay there in hell listening to him. The place we are at is full, we have asked every day if there is any availability for a room change to no avail.

One of my issues before I got sober was Ambien and Klonopin. I have a sleep disorder and also an autoimmune condition that is aggravated exponentially when I don't get sleep. I am also turning 50 so I am graced with hot flashes at night which are really annoying. Sleep is, and always has been, elusive for me.

I love cold weather, I went to college in Vermont. 95 degree heat overwhelms me. I usually would go walk for a few hours but because we are at a placed that was carved into the mountains I can't go anywhere really. We also happened (by chance) to have overlapped with one of my daughter's very good friends from school who just found out she and her sisters all have lice..so there was a concern that my daughter might as well. I absolutely know that is not anyone's fault but it seemed to increase my anxiety as I was laying there sweating at 4am last night. I can't get up in the middle of the night and go anywhere, or turn on lights because I would wake husband and daughter…so I am feeling really trapped.

There is a lot of unpleasant tension between my husband and me right now. He knows this is an issue but he is feeling defensive because he booked this beautiful trip. When I don't get enough sleep I feel like I have the worst hangover on earth. In the past I would have just drugged or drank myself to sleep. I am furious because he promised me during family week at rehab (almost 2 years ago) that he would follow up with this. He made one phone call to a doctor and that was it. I feel like I followed through with everything I promised and being exhausted and resentful is not a good place. I should have known to have an exit strategy but I have missed a lot during new sobriety so I was trying to "say yes".

We are here until Friday. The trip back to the airport is treacherous so I am hesitant to try to go back alone. I have seriously been googling "snoring and divorce" it is that bad.

I am not going to drink over this but I feel like I might explode from feeling so trapped. I had expressed anxiety about this scenario to my therapist before I left. I am so annoyed at my husband who loves the heat, puts his head on the pillow and falls asleep, doesn't have any medical conditions that exhaust him. This trip is making me resent Joe Perfect, and I know he is resenting Harriet High Maintenance. We have been married almost 20 years but I am not seeing that I am going to get over this soon…. I feel like I am suffering the fallout from his issue and he is not accepting responsibility for it.

This is mostly a rant but if anyone has a suggestion (or can come rescue me )..I am feeling pretty alone.
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Old 03-24-2015, 04:14 PM
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I'm sorry you're not enjoying the break Jaynie.

Not sure I have any suggestions other than to find interesting things to do in the day - there must be no end of things to do in CostaRica...get a little you time in there

I find a fan can help. If the hotel has none for use, you buy a cheap fan for under $20 here in Australia... I'd imagine CR is, at worst, comparable to that in price?

maybe seek out a local AA meeting too? it might be good to have real life support right now?
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Old 03-24-2015, 04:23 PM
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have you tried ear plugs, I'm sure the hotel may be able to supply some or guide you where you may be be able to pick up some, get the 'spongy' ones, they are more comfortable and block out snoring
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Old 03-24-2015, 04:23 PM
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Well I used to live with a man who not only snored but also had sleep apnea. Have you tried getting him to roll over? I found that my ex wouldn't snore if he wasn't on his back. I one time rolled my ex right out of the bed trying to get him to STFP in the night.... it was that bad for me too. You can buy nose strips in the pharmacy for this kind of thing... not sure if you can in Costa Rica but maybe? Hand or pillow over his face? JK.

The mention on lice has me scratching already... been there done that with my kids... but until you know try not to get psychosomatic over it.

Otherwise I am pea green with envy that you an in Costa Rica!! Enjoy girl!
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Old 03-24-2015, 04:34 PM
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Lol, Zenchasher. I'm the same way. I forcibly roll my husband over or put a pillow over his face. :p
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Old 03-24-2015, 04:39 PM
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Thanks Dee. I tend to have an avoid ant personality so I get really agitated when I feel trapped. I think if anything I am going to use this as a very big learning experience about making sure I can depart somewhere in the future if I need to . Unfortunately no AA meetings…they are over 5 hours away on dirt roads, but trust me, I would kayak there if I could!

I spent last night dreaming of different projectiles I could lob at him. I have ear plugs, sleep mask (don't hate me for being so glam), he has Breathe Right strips….I came armed.

I can't believe it…my husband just called from the lobby, while I was writing this post... we are going to be able to move today. SR once again is my good luck charm. We have been here since last Friday…I just wrote this and he just called…!!! Not kidding…SR karma at work.

If any newbies are reading this I just want to reinforce the idea of setting up circumstances if possible. I was really lost without my usual exit strategy of taking a pill or drinking. I was beginning to wonder if all the howler monkeys we hear in the trees at night are actually other wives like me who have lost it!!!! I feel so grateful to always have support 24/7…you guys are truly the best!!!

On a more upbeat note, not drinking around the pool or dinner has not been hard. It is amazing that it does get easier, there is no way I could have taken this trip in the first 6 months.

Thank you guys!
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Old 03-24-2015, 04:47 PM
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I hope the new digs are awesome Jaynie

D
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Old 03-24-2015, 04:49 PM
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Hi Jaynie. My husband and I have to sleep in separate rooms because neither of us would get any sleep if we slept together. I know how it is.
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Old 03-24-2015, 05:06 PM
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Jaynie, has your husband tried ZQuiet?
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Old 03-24-2015, 05:08 PM
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Jaynie, has your husband tried ZQuiet?
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Old 03-24-2015, 05:17 PM
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I love Costa Rica. When you're in the mountains there's nowhere to buy a fan or go to AA, that's for sure. I'm glad you're moving rooms. Are you able to sleep for a few hours during the day while your husband and daughter are out? I am sorry you're going through this. It sucks when what's supposed to be a relaxing vacation turns into a stressful situation!

Hang in there and try to have fun. xo
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Old 03-24-2015, 05:42 PM
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Oh Jaynie, [head shake with empathy and hug]. You are not alone with the snoring thing, except my husband got as far as scheduling surgery and then canceling at the last minute. Deviated, re-deviated and re-re-deviated septum from too many elbows and headers to the nose. My chest gets tight just from thinking about it.

My favorite earplugs are purple and maximum decibel muffling OTC. Multiple pairs are stashed everywhere when we travel anywhere together. I once cracked myself up lobbing every plush item within a 15-foot radius at 'the beast'. It was either stifle giggles or stifle cries. Nothing stops him.

Eye cover is a slam-dunk.

Oh enjoy your air-conditioning! Drink a lot of water and a Gatorade from all that was lost while attempting to sleep on the cot mattress in the bathroom. That was very nice of you by the way. If it were my vacation I think i would have gently rolled the beast into the bathroom (and closed the door. Shh)!

Enjoy a great sleep and some reading in the hotel room. Did you bring any good books?

Give us another tropical update when you are able. If the A/C breaks we will send the go-go Gadget helicopter!!

Hugs to you!

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Old 03-24-2015, 08:20 PM
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I have the same issue with the sleeping and snoring. I have watched the sun rise many times after no sleep when I have to sleep in the same room with my guy.

Are there other hotels or even resorts you could sleep at? What about even a cheapy cheap place just as a bed and an air conditioner for night?

Sleeping in the room with a snorer would ruin my vacation.

(I have slept in walk-in closets and bathrooms too to try to escape the noise).

Do you have a high-powered fan you can turn on?
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Old 03-24-2015, 09:17 PM
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hi jaynie, i have a problem with noises at night, snoring is a particular problem for me, i overreact and for a long time i've been trying to figure out if there is some possible connection with some other problem because the way i respond to any kind of breathing noise at night is intense, i come out with hives and have massive panic attacks... its caused a lot of problems in relationships. i started using silicone earplugs, i can't use foam or wax earplugs because they didn't do a very good job or they hurt my ears, so these were the best type i had experience with. some nights i had to go and sleep in a different room entirely, it's not much fun, i feel for you.
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Old 03-24-2015, 11:26 PM
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I have a set of foam ear plugs. DF snores. Ex H snore (d) (I have no idea if he still does, he's his fiancee's problem now). I'm about ready to crawl back in bed with my ear plugs in. I have a rash that needs an antihistamine…so that helps a little too, but ear plugs are a life changer. Next time tell him you need a set of noise canceling head phones...
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Old 03-24-2015, 11:49 PM
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In case you're in need of a laugh once I went on a cruise with a friend who snored and I slept on the balcony! Luckily I didn't roll off into the ocean. I did get rained on a few times.

I ended up sleeping during the day when the friend was out playing shuffleboard.
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Old 03-25-2015, 01:17 AM
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Hi jaynie, not sleeping is the worst, along with menopausal symptoms. Mr. Fandy snored like a freight train, I could have beat him to death with a hammer and no female judge would have convicted me if she heard him. This was a big reason why i started drinking at 3am, no sleep.
for an immediate fix, try making him lay on 2 pillows or a towel under the neck to prop his throat in a different position. He can get a soft comfortable mouth device that keeps his airway in the no snore position from his dentist.
btw, it is 22 degrees here and i have a sore throat and cold, i am awake at 4am sucking on cold-eeze and decaff coffee. Now one of the cats are snoring next to me. Enjoy your vacation!
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Old 03-25-2015, 02:41 AM
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Don't mean to let my horns show here but I broke Hubby of his snoring by waking him every time he snored just a little bit by shaking him and making him roll over on his side (facing away from me.) He soon got tired of being just as tired in the morning as I was because the number of times he flipped on his back decreased pretty quickly. He must have feared being woken even in his sleep. Either that or waking him made him realize just what I went through... dunno... all I know is it worked.
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Old 03-25-2015, 03:26 AM
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My brother snores so loud i can relate hes being staying at mine recently and when hes asleep downstairs you can still hear it
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Old 03-25-2015, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by SoberLeigh View Post
Jaynie, has your husband tried ZQuiet?
No…I haven't heard of it before. I am definitely going to look into it when we get back. I just read that snoring is the 3rd leading cause of divorce…makes perfect sense to me.

I think there are a few things going on. I have gone around the bend of exhausted so everything is amplified. My sleep hygiene is pretty good at home and here it has been a disaster. Last night I should have slept but instead I laid there thinking "ok, now I think I am falling asleep…no, almost. I feel tired this time I will sleep, no. Hour later, everything is perfect why am I not asleep??? 4am, I will take hot shower then I will sleep…noooooo. Oh no, did the people upstairs just come home? Why is that guy clomping around? (I even put on my clothes and went out at 4:30 to investigate where footsteps are coming from). Finally fell asleep for 2 hours….argh!!!!

I think my husband can empathize…to a point. But there seems to be a detachment to it, where he treats it more as my oversensitivity. And I think there is something going on where the relationship got in a groove where we both got comfortable with me being the one owning stuff. I feel like slipping him a caffeine mickey a few nights in a row. I am so fried I wouldn't drive under these circumstances.

I am not sure if this is an ACOA condition..because I have always been on hyper alert for noises during the night. I have a lot of childhood amnesia but the fact that I have so much anxiety attached to any sort of human noises during the nighttime…I am so protective of my space and peace and quiet. I am not a control freak about much else..this is just so specific. Lycaniaz…I feel like you described my issue perfectly. I know it is irrational, for instance, I feel like someone is snoring "at me". Or the people upstairs are "walking loud" on purpose. And then when it is quiet I lie there and wait for something disruptive. I have major noise anxiety and when noise is not there then I am anxious anticipating something shattering the peace.

You guys are cracking me up with your stories. Sleeping on cruise decks or "rolling the beast into the bathroom"….LOL! I have been eating my anxiety away…insomnia and a mini bar (no booze don't worry)…not a good combo! Verte, I am making my husband follow through with a doctor when we get home…!
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