TryTryAgain

Hi,

I am happy to say that I have spent 2015 in total sobriety. I have no desire whatsoever to drink. I am healthier and happier than I have been in decades. With one exception. My marriage is failing. My husband was so patient, loving, and forgiving when I was a raging drunk. He would get mad at my antics sometimes but who could blame him?

Well, now that I am sober and am having success in maintaining it, he has done an about-face. He yells at me, calls me horrible names, belittles my work, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to know when he will go off, or for what reason.

Has anyone ever experienced this? (Am I posting this in the right forum?)

Thanks,
Panny

Carlotta

This is a good forum to post it at. I have two theories:
either he is a drinker too and pissed he lost his drinking buddy and the one who was worst than he was and made him look good by comparison
or he has some serious control issues. While you were in an alcoholic daze, he could pretty much do whatever he wanted and run things his way. Now he has to learn to adjust to a grown up, sober responsible partner instead of a helpless drunken "child".

Is he going to Al Anon or therapy for support?

Dee74

Hi trytryagain
it's often difficult for one partner when the other partner changes. Sometimes maybe the other partner feels left behind - or scared they might be?

have you thought about couples counselling?

D

Dayonesober

My wife is ok with drinking. Unfortunately I have been the careless one. I hope she likes the new me I am trying to become.

MelindaFlowers

Some people don't like the change in dynamic. When I was drinking I was the one to blame for everything, the reliable problem. It took some time for my guy to get used to a sober me. I was present in day to day life for the first time in a few years. I hope your guy comes around too.

Hawks

I agree with Melinda.

alchies nearly always end up with codies with a control freak streak.

Dunno why, but its just one of those patterns.

they get used to having an easy time of it, because they can assume responsibilty for everything and who are we to argue, we're normally getting round with our tail between our legs because of this drinking episode or that drinking episode or too hungover to do much or whatever.

Us getting sober is a threat to their domain of control and they also feel threatened that we will sober up and see through their low self esteem (codie baseline issue) and leave.

so its a double whammy .... but its not all schemed up and deliberate, kinda just who they are and their natural way of being ...... like drinking is kind of instinctual for us I guess.

I think he may be trying to sabotage your sobriety .... seriously.

Yearning for a return to the good old days (for him)

Just call him on it .... ask him straight out if he is threatened by the new sober you ?

zjw

our perception of reality changes once we sober up. we start to see things as they are. But at the same time those around us are lost as to who this new person is thats emerged. I had / have issues with my wife in this regard along with other life long relationships IE with my father and mother my one set of grand parents etc...

My perception of reality is different its like y my eyes are finally opened. They also dont know who this new person is OR they think this person is still the utter failure he always was and are just waiting for me t fail again.

In regards to my wife shes said numerious times i'm not the man she married. and shes totally right. I'm this lean bean health nut now who runs all the time and never even eats bad food let alone drinks. She doesnt know who this is. shes used to the fat and happy easy going laid back guy with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. and like it or not like many others have said I think she enjoyed the fact that i was drunk and it gave her that edge or at least it was a dynamic that she was comfortable with and worked well for her. Now she doesnt have that golden ace in her pocket any more (what i did drunk the prior night) she cant play that card to guilt me into getting her way etc...

It has not been easy on us since I got sober. But we both ultimatly agree we are better off. It takes time for a married couple to get to know each other once again. Be patient he's prolly wondering what hte hell is wrong with you too. At the same time dont be afraid to say he dont yell at me etc.. I dont like that and so on. if your not careful he'll beat you back down into that pit and you'll be looking for a bottle again. be strong and hold your ground.

Mountainmanbob

I had a girlfriend once that seemed to prefer me drinking rather than sober. I think that she had more control over me while drinking.
Mountainmanbob

SoberAlky

Have you simply asked him what is different? You might actually be surprised and get a straight answer.

aasharon90

My husband and his parents did an intervention
on me back in August 1990 when I didn't think
I needed help for drinking or wanting to end my
restless, irritable, discontent, failure of a life as
a mom and wife.

They sought the help I so desperately needed
at that time in my life. For that I copped a resentment
towards them, and chose recovery for myself
and not for them. It was an inspite of action
to stay sober as my way of getting back at
them.

That was 24 yrs ago. Through out my yrs
of recovery, my marriage eventually ended
at 25 yrs due to lack of understanding and
communication within my little family. As I
continued to work my recovery program,
holding on to many in recovery who understood
me, no questions asked, my little family was
left scratching their head as to what happened.

I changed and grew in recovery the longer
I remained sober and the rest of the family
continued on in their own lives never skipping
a beat. My spouse and kids, all healthy didn't
understand addiction because they didn't have
the illness of addiction like I had.

It takes someone with addiction to know
absolutely understand one.

We as a family unit were like 4 people all
living on different planets. Like we all were
speaking a different language. We didn't
understand each others way of thinking.

They didn't understand that just because
I wasn't drinking any longer then why
did I need to keep going to meetings. They
figured that because I was sober I didn't
need AA as a crutch. As a life long support
for myself. They figured I was cured from
my addiction.

My recovery over shadowed my marriage
and little family as thus ended at 25 yrs.

My spouse did attend several al-anon meetings
to learn one word...detachment.....And he
absolutely detached from me and I did the
same for him.

My life in recovery, the steps, meetings,
Faith has guided me along in my journey
and has giving me everything I need in
order to live each day without alcohol.

It has helped me return back to my hometown
where I never wanted to leave in the first
place. It has givin me a new marriage for
6 yrs now where I am healthy, happier, honest
in all my affairs.

As long as I remain sober and live with
a recovery program and Faith to guide me
along in my journey then I will continue to
grow and mature into the person I am
meant to be.

My little family unit did fall apart, but we
are all happy, healthy in our own lives
today.

Continue on your recovery path and you
will be taken care of accordingly.

zjw

yeah wanna control someone with a drinking problem? guilt them with it and then you can get them to do your bidding. the sad part is when that person sobers up one day and realizes what you have done there going to be PISSED

TryTryAgain

Well, I sure do appreciate you all imparting your wisdom. Everything rings true.

I haven't read much about co-dependence (I will now), but a light bulb is coming on as I remember all the times he allowed and even encouraged me to drink, knowing full well what the dire consequences would be.

Hopefully we will work this out. I realize it starts with understanding, then discussion, and finally action. One thing I know for sure is that I won't ever go back to being a drunk. It's just not me anymore.

zjw

I have no idea his motives good or bad. But i've been dumb founded over the years to find how people would strategicly use stuff against me like say my drinking or some mistake i made or some personality trait they'd manipulate things in there favor. It amazes me how good some people are at this too. its like an artform for some and very creepy. I think some know what there doing and some dont.

its like they say while the cat is away the mice will play or while the cat is drunk ... .

Even my AV will try and set me up. I'll find myself in a bad situation say over extended myself financially thinking i could handle it then realizing when i cannnot there is the AV "why not have a drink " and i'm like you sneaky little bastard.

Be careful it couldbe nothing more then he just doesnt like that his boat has been rocked because circumstances have changed.

maia1234

I agree with Hawks-
Speaking from the "alanon" side.... yes spouses of A's are controlling. They become and grow that way living with an A. They have to make sure everything is perfect because God forbid that we let the A have the consequences of what they did, we need to always fix everything.

We don't realize that we grow that way as you grow in your addiction. I have learned to release my control (I wouldn't let anyone load the dishwasher, because I was the only one that did it "right".) sick huh???

Living with an active A, you change. Your spouse needs to educate herself on addiction, codependency, enabling and everything else we do/did. I know that I couldn't make the A see the light about recovery, and you might not be able to for your spouse either. But in my opinion she is as sick as the A and she does need support also.
Good Luck with your marriage.

zjw

think about this. I'm not proud of it. but my alcoholic stepfather when i was a kid would come home drunk and hang his pants up. he'd forget all about how much money he had in his pocket. my brother and i would routinely go and take the bastards money.

I'm not proud of that. I could say he deserved it and far worse but stealing is still stealing and i did take advantage of him in his drunken stuper.

people taking advantage of drunks does the poor drunk no good. they got enough of there own demons. for all i know he thought he lost the money and beat himself up over it or maybe he thought he drunk it away and guilted himself? or maybe he never noticed nor cared who knows.

shil2587

I am the partner of an A and I can see this behaviour in myself sometimes but for a different reason than the ones mentioned. When he's drinking, there is no point getting angry. It doesn't change or improve anything. So I stay gentle and supportive and forgiving and talk gently about it when he sobers up. And that feels genuine at the time, it's not an act. BUT, when he's been sober a while, it's like all the things that upset me before come to the surface and because he's sober it comes out because it was there all along and needs expressing somehow. So I can be snappier and less understanding than I would normally be because it all got tucked away for sheer pointlessness of expressing it when he was drinking.

I hope that makes sense and helps a bit.

For the record, I think it would be worth asking your wife how she is feeling, if there is anything she wants to talk about as she seems more stressed or upset than usual.

TryTryAgain

Just read about codependency. I see a ton of those traits in my husband. But guess what? I also see them in myself!

Thanks again for all your input, everyone. It is incredibly helpful to hear what you all have to say.

JimdiGriz

I think this is extremely pertinent and insightful. Thankyou

Della1968

I think a lot of us put our sense of self worth into what we do be it a job or a caretaker. Once someone gets sober and doesn't need the constant care I think the caretaker feels a loss of self worth. They have put do much into taking care of us they struggle to let that go. They are just as sick as we were and need to heal as well.

LemonGirl

Hi there. I come from the other side... my xabf is the alcoholic. Anyway, it sounds like typical codependent behavior. He no longer has an active alcoholic to "fix" or "care for" so whatever he imagines was your fault before, it is coming up from stores of resentment. Partners of alcoholics tend to have weaknesses in expressing their needs; we'd rather deal with your needs and build resentment for our needs going unmet. I hope you both find recovery. You from addiction and possibly him from codependency?