Love on the verge of ... nothing?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Love on the verge of ... nothing?
Hi, dear friends.
I would like to ask, whoever had experience with end of life issues. It's my beloved father. He is 84 yo, never had any major health issues, no addictions either... but age is catching up with him. I wrote about this/him many times here on SR already. He has severe atherosclerosis, and in the last year also dementia. He recognizes the dementia and feels uncomfortable with it more than with any of his other old age ailments... I so totally relate, and I'm heartbroken for him because my cognitive abilities were also what I regarded as my best, and it's recognizable in my family as our strength. Anyhow...
He's now refusing all medical care, including maybe a nurse that could see him regularly. He does not want to go to the hospital. He just calls me 2-3 times a week, not remembering when it's day or night for us (he's in Europe), and tells me how sad and desperate he is about the condition old age put him in.
Of course I talk with him each time. I also admit I had problems with the "each time", as he has been calling at night (for me) more and more often.
I'll see my dad in ~10 weeks from now, and I really look forward to it. But what else could I do to make his aging, and old age challenges, better?
If you have suggestions, any kind, please share.
I would like to ask, whoever had experience with end of life issues. It's my beloved father. He is 84 yo, never had any major health issues, no addictions either... but age is catching up with him. I wrote about this/him many times here on SR already. He has severe atherosclerosis, and in the last year also dementia. He recognizes the dementia and feels uncomfortable with it more than with any of his other old age ailments... I so totally relate, and I'm heartbroken for him because my cognitive abilities were also what I regarded as my best, and it's recognizable in my family as our strength. Anyhow...
He's now refusing all medical care, including maybe a nurse that could see him regularly. He does not want to go to the hospital. He just calls me 2-3 times a week, not remembering when it's day or night for us (he's in Europe), and tells me how sad and desperate he is about the condition old age put him in.
Of course I talk with him each time. I also admit I had problems with the "each time", as he has been calling at night (for me) more and more often.
I'll see my dad in ~10 weeks from now, and I really look forward to it. But what else could I do to make his aging, and old age challenges, better?
If you have suggestions, any kind, please share.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Music therapy really seems to help; I have seen people who are well into advanced dementia sing, clap their hands, tap their foot, even cry (in a good way) to a well-remembered song.
Is there someone who could stop by to see your Dad each day or a few times a week and make sure that he listens to some favorite music?
((((Dear haennie)))); this is a most difficult time.
Is there someone who could stop by to see your Dad each day or a few times a week and make sure that he listens to some favorite music?
((((Dear haennie)))); this is a most difficult time.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
haennie, you're going to have to force some care on him. In our family, we force ourselves on our older, failing relatives until we move them in with us. Impossible in your situation but, hiring a caregiver that reports to you isn't.
I'm sorry for his decline.
I'm sorry for his decline.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
I'm sorry to hear you are facing this, and sorry for your father, as well. My mother did the same thing at the end. She also suffered from dementia and refused her medication and wouldn't even eat. She was living in a convalescent home at the time because she had lost the ability to walk. She had a brain tumor that was causing her to fall every time she attempted to stand up. One fall caused her to break a hip. It never healed correctly.
As far as what to do to bring comfort during this time, about all I can suggest is just that: be available and provide comfort as best you can. I know it takes an emotional toll on you, but I found this was the best way to deal with my mother. She was easily upset so I did whatever I could, whenever I spoke to her on the phone or visited, to keep her calm and comfortable.
Again, so sorry you're going through this. I wish you both the very best.
As far as what to do to bring comfort during this time, about all I can suggest is just that: be available and provide comfort as best you can. I know it takes an emotional toll on you, but I found this was the best way to deal with my mother. She was easily upset so I did whatever I could, whenever I spoke to her on the phone or visited, to keep her calm and comfortable.
Again, so sorry you're going through this. I wish you both the very best.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
He's now refusing all medical care, including maybe a nurse that could see him regularly. He does not want to go to the hospital.
If pain or suffering is an issue... Hospice care specializes in palliative services designed to make the end of life experience as comfortable as possible. It is not intended to prolong life but rather to make it seem like a natural transition.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
My Dad went slowly and painfully over 2 years.
I was glad he passed in the end and so was he.
I was sad of course but not devastated.
I had a realisation at about age 20, that we all die.
No one gets out of life alive.
So that gave me another 20 years to get used to the idea that one day, this would mean my parents too.
It's just as it should be.
Circle of life.
It's not a very empathetic or sympathetic point of view, however it helped me to be honest about what's actually happening.
It wasn't "Oh my God, I can't believe you are going to die and I'll be here, missing you and upset"
It was "you were a brilliant Dad, did your best, I love you, but now it's time for the inevitable and I'll see you on the other side"
I was glad he passed in the end and so was he.
I was sad of course but not devastated.
I had a realisation at about age 20, that we all die.
No one gets out of life alive.
So that gave me another 20 years to get used to the idea that one day, this would mean my parents too.
It's just as it should be.
Circle of life.
It's not a very empathetic or sympathetic point of view, however it helped me to be honest about what's actually happening.
It wasn't "Oh my God, I can't believe you are going to die and I'll be here, missing you and upset"
It was "you were a brilliant Dad, did your best, I love you, but now it's time for the inevitable and I'll see you on the other side"
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
This can go so many ways, but it often doesn't.
Many people in older age who are facing death are most comfortable going through their regular, daily routines. It's become the attachment to their lives with which they are most familiar. It's often true that they don't want to or fear dying alone, sometimes needing permission from their loved ones to die, to leave them.
A few do a "bucket-list" thing, but this is rare in older age. All the mountains have been climbed, the debts paid and, in the best of all scenarios, the world left a better place as a result of their living. Among both the greatest and the most painful acts of love is to let them go.
Many people in older age who are facing death are most comfortable going through their regular, daily routines. It's become the attachment to their lives with which they are most familiar. It's often true that they don't want to or fear dying alone, sometimes needing permission from their loved ones to die, to leave them.
A few do a "bucket-list" thing, but this is rare in older age. All the mountains have been climbed, the debts paid and, in the best of all scenarios, the world left a better place as a result of their living. Among both the greatest and the most painful acts of love is to let them go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
My mom had a stroke at 90 that made life considerably more difficult, even after rehabilitation. It accelerated her previously mild dementia, yet she still enjoyed visitors and looking at photos of family. We got her a live in caregiver because she didn't want to leave her home. It went fine but was expensive, yet she had three more years. Being quite religious, she did not fear death, and accepted it. She got sick at the very end and we put her on hospice at home for the last two weeks. Many old friends came by to see her and she died looking out at the same canyon view she had loved for 50 years. Overall it was a good end to a full life.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My mom fought tooth and nail to have someone come in a few days a week, and now, she actually looks forward to it. It also gives me great peace of mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I guess I want to see him / envision him as a bit of a Timothy Leary (much more reflective of myself than of him), minus the drugs, because I somehow like that image and that person is easy for me to identify with, even when grieving... and my father's real "himself" is extremely painful for me to let go of.
The reality is..., my holy *** ... it's extremely painful. I know old age age, all the practical arrangements necessary... we've done those. What remains is this stage of dying, and I'd encountered that before a few times, I thought I would be a good person to deal with that and to help others with that. I still don't doubt that "training" -- just very painful right now.
He has a wonderful survival instinct still, though. Has taken everyone around him in, to help: the postman, the guy who delivers his daily meals, his old friend to drive him to the supermarket weekly and pick him up with a shopping bag, his doctors apparently saying this is old age and nothing else, and his only daughter to transfer his love of "everything" to.
I get all this, and accept all this. Still breaks my heart when he says what he said today: "I am sad. I am devastated. I want you to to be here with me and have a family still, but you are gone. I am afraid of death?"
The reality is..., my holy *** ... it's extremely painful. I know old age age, all the practical arrangements necessary... we've done those. What remains is this stage of dying, and I'd encountered that before a few times, I thought I would be a good person to deal with that and to help others with that. I still don't doubt that "training" -- just very painful right now.
He has a wonderful survival instinct still, though. Has taken everyone around him in, to help: the postman, the guy who delivers his daily meals, his old friend to drive him to the supermarket weekly and pick him up with a shopping bag, his doctors apparently saying this is old age and nothing else, and his only daughter to transfer his love of "everything" to.
I get all this, and accept all this. Still breaks my heart when he says what he said today: "I am sad. I am devastated. I want you to to be here with me and have a family still, but you are gone. I am afraid of death?"
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
it's extremely painful. I know old age age...
Hospice provides all the best drugs available to reduce pain.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by haennie 
Still breaks my heart when he says what he said today: "I am sad. I am devastated. I want you to to be here with me and have a family still, but you are gone. I am afraid of death?"
I hope that telling you that I feel your pain is enough.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I'm sorry this is happening to you and your Dad.
In the UK there is a big drive to make dementia care better for sufferers at the moment.
I think much of it focuses on making the patient feel as comfortable as possible in their surroundings.
Memory cues such as music, certain television programmes, photographs, even food and meals can all help.
For example reminiscing over old photographs, not just of family, but places and how they used to look can bring lots of happiness.
I think that as much as this is about your Dad, its not all about your Dad. Its about you too. You need to be able to talk to someone about how you feel as well.
I wish you the best xx
In the UK there is a big drive to make dementia care better for sufferers at the moment.
I think much of it focuses on making the patient feel as comfortable as possible in their surroundings.
Memory cues such as music, certain television programmes, photographs, even food and meals can all help.
For example reminiscing over old photographs, not just of family, but places and how they used to look can bring lots of happiness.
I think that as much as this is about your Dad, its not all about your Dad. Its about you too. You need to be able to talk to someone about how you feel as well.
I wish you the best xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hospice provides all the best drugs available to reduce pain.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((haennie)) - I'm so sorry for what you are going through
For two + years, I was also a caregiver. I mentioned my desire to work with people with dementia, and my first "client" had alzheimers, as did my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.
My first guy quickly became my loved one. His daughter had had caregivers in for over a year before I came into the picture. I heard of the horror stories of how he would kick them out, scream at his daughter "I Don't NEED any help!!!".
By the time I came along, he was begging me to marry him, move in, never leave. Five minutes after I left, he would tell his daughter "no one has been here".
He made me want to pull out my hair more than a few times. He also made me laugh until I had tears rolling down my face.
He KNEW that he was losing his mind. He'd been an airline pilot, was very upset that he couldn't remember things. It broke my heart, but I found out that with his memory being so short, we could get past the rough times.
He died a little over a year ago, and I now rent his house. I take care of his cats, having lost his dog and horse to illnesses that were beyond help. He had this thing about light bulbs, there must have been 50 or more in this house.
To this day, when a light goes out, I smile and I know he's grinning from Heaven at me.
I'm sorry, don't mean this to be all about me. I just know that dementia goes through phases, and what you see today, may not be the same a couple of weeks from now.
Yes, it was expensive for his daughter to have caregivers for her dad, and she went through a few bad ones (one stole a lot of money). However, she ended up with me and a friend of mine that worked for the same agency, and we both ended up working "off the clock" as we could spend more time with him and it benefited us all.
Dementia is hard to deal with. You want to point out the facts, only to hear them come up with some off the wall story of how something came to be.
I see my dad, at 75 years old, starting to forget things. Because of what I know, I worry "OMG, is this the start of dementia?!?!" I don't know. I pray that if it is, that what I have learned will help us both walk through it.
What I learned from my dear Mr. D is that "proof" doesn't matter. I could show him pictures, signatures, whatever. He was a smart man, despite the dementia. He would ask me "and how do I KNOW you just took that picture? I wasn't there".
I pray that you and your dad get through this with love and compassion. I also hope that you know that getting frustrated is OKAY. It hurts to see someone you love go through this.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
For two + years, I was also a caregiver. I mentioned my desire to work with people with dementia, and my first "client" had alzheimers, as did my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.
My first guy quickly became my loved one. His daughter had had caregivers in for over a year before I came into the picture. I heard of the horror stories of how he would kick them out, scream at his daughter "I Don't NEED any help!!!".
By the time I came along, he was begging me to marry him, move in, never leave. Five minutes after I left, he would tell his daughter "no one has been here".
He made me want to pull out my hair more than a few times. He also made me laugh until I had tears rolling down my face.
He KNEW that he was losing his mind. He'd been an airline pilot, was very upset that he couldn't remember things. It broke my heart, but I found out that with his memory being so short, we could get past the rough times.
He died a little over a year ago, and I now rent his house. I take care of his cats, having lost his dog and horse to illnesses that were beyond help. He had this thing about light bulbs, there must have been 50 or more in this house.
To this day, when a light goes out, I smile and I know he's grinning from Heaven at me.
I'm sorry, don't mean this to be all about me. I just know that dementia goes through phases, and what you see today, may not be the same a couple of weeks from now.
Yes, it was expensive for his daughter to have caregivers for her dad, and she went through a few bad ones (one stole a lot of money). However, she ended up with me and a friend of mine that worked for the same agency, and we both ended up working "off the clock" as we could spend more time with him and it benefited us all.
Dementia is hard to deal with. You want to point out the facts, only to hear them come up with some off the wall story of how something came to be.
I see my dad, at 75 years old, starting to forget things. Because of what I know, I worry "OMG, is this the start of dementia?!?!" I don't know. I pray that if it is, that what I have learned will help us both walk through it.
What I learned from my dear Mr. D is that "proof" doesn't matter. I could show him pictures, signatures, whatever. He was a smart man, despite the dementia. He would ask me "and how do I KNOW you just took that picture? I wasn't there".
I pray that you and your dad get through this with love and compassion. I also hope that you know that getting frustrated is OKAY. It hurts to see someone you love go through this.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Haennie,
I'm afraid I don't have much I can add to others' insights.
But I did want to let you know I'm thinking about you. Seeing our parents reach the end of their lives is immeasurably difficult.
Sending you warm thoughts,
Venecia
I'm afraid I don't have much I can add to others' insights.
But I did want to let you know I'm thinking about you. Seeing our parents reach the end of their lives is immeasurably difficult.
Sending you warm thoughts,
Venecia
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
haennie,
is it not possible for you to go now and be there?
seems so important to both of you to be together and would likely fulfill some or most of the "meaningful" you speak of...
if the finances would possibly allow it and it's possible to get a leave from work, seems like the most positive thing for both of you might be just that.
is it not possible for you to go now and be there?
seems so important to both of you to be together and would likely fulfill some or most of the "meaningful" you speak of...
if the finances would possibly allow it and it's possible to get a leave from work, seems like the most positive thing for both of you might be just that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Haennie::
I lost my father in 2006. 9/11, can't forget that date.
When he past, he was in the later stage of alsheimers.
I remember one incident so clearly. I was visiting my father and I walked out of the room for a brief moment. I heard my father say to the nurse "Does that tall brunette know that I'm married?"
I had to chuckkle yet it brought a tear to my eye also. He still had his humor but he no longer remembered me
My prayers go out to you and say one for my dad too!
I lost my father in 2006. 9/11, can't forget that date.
When he past, he was in the later stage of alsheimers.
I remember one incident so clearly. I was visiting my father and I walked out of the room for a brief moment. I heard my father say to the nurse "Does that tall brunette know that I'm married?"
I had to chuckkle yet it brought a tear to my eye also. He still had his humor but he no longer remembered me
My prayers go out to you and say one for my dad too!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
