Aellyce

I don't think so, not now. I'm full of strict deadlines for a month at least. But I will try to take a break then, because all this "craziness" is already affecting my rational judgment and decision making. I'm pretty much holding myself together in an automatic, instinctual way now, which sometimes works better than I could imagine consciously, and other times really sucks. All the jet lag is also quite crazy, it's all like an alternate reality in a way. But to be really honest here, as an addict who is easily hooked on intensity, I don't hate it. But I don't want to drop down dead or really crazy yet, so I will take a break in ~a month.

Thanks for caring, guys

Hawkeye13

Yes Haennie; I too am pleased to hear about your life and how things are going for you.

I really hope the caregiver and AD meds work out for you father.

I was a caregiver for my alcoholic chain-smoking mother for years, so I know how stressful the worry part if.

Congrats on the job--I have to admit a little curiosity about what you'd be doing in Asia.
How closely related is it to what you are doing in NY and FL?
Not trying to be nosy--it just sounds really interesting.
Working with a bioenginer? Something with implants?

Aellyce

Thanks, Hawkeye I also hope these things will work, but I do foresee many difficulties. Anyhow, better to not not run ahead of time.

The prospective job in Asia is very closely related to my job in NY. The FL place is just a collaboration and facility I go to, to do certain experiments because they have great equipment. The thing in Singapore would be somewhat similar to that, but also more. Actually, I am the bioengineer... I am a molecular biologist, that's my primary training and professional background. Done it in a few different theoretical contexts since college: virology, cancer, developmental biology, now neuroscience. The "behavioral" work I've been doing is still relatively new to me, last ~6 years. But I've learned I love it far more than molecular biology... well, they complement well in this era. Biological psychology/psychiatry is what it's called these days.

So in Singapore, they have developed an amazing method and facility to study the brain. There would also be some clinical psychiatry work collaboration, but I am not doing that myself. It's my department in NY. So, I would sometimes go there to do experiments, and also coordinate the psychiatry collaboration. Also, it is a "job", but they don't offer to pay me since I sought them out for our purposes. I'll have to get my own funding for it from grants. If I don't get the grants, no job. But we'll apply collaboratively (with my NY department and these guys in Asia), so I am not alone. I am basically an idea generator, I do some of the work, take responsibility for specific projects, supervise some, and let my "superiors" take the status and limelight. I like to stay in the background, and do all these things from "behind the scenes". It's the best freedom I've found in professional life. I think I would be a really crappy manager or front line leader.

Hawkeye13

Thank you for the details--sounds like amazing work and you must be very good at it to pull in grants and keep a project team focused.

Aellyce

Hi everyone, again. Just an update on the part of the thread regarding my father and the possible "solutions" considered.

Well, the primary practical thing about him is that he is 84 yo. He suffers with increasingly severe atherosclerosis, which in his case, seems to affect his brain primarily and cause symptoms related to that. Conversely, he will most likely die of a form of stroke at some point... but who can predict these things. And this is what he finds most difficult: how this disease of old age affects him both in terms of physically perceived balance, and cognitive abilities. In the latter arena (cognition), I must say he is still pretty over the top... when he has good phases, he's still totally the person I've loved so much to have intellectual conversations and debates with, still similarly challenging, and still having many different interests. What he seems to struggle with most intensely these days is the effect of his disease that cause blurry, confused, and disorientated periods. It seems like his current meds do a good job to treat these though (and for this, I am very happy)... it's just the fact that his problem is not curable and will recur in cycles, no matter how good medication and management. I think what put him in a tailspin of depression during the past year or so (strangely, this coincided with my getting sober) is a similar psychological state I also struggled with a lot in the past: over-identification with our cognitive abilities. Imagine those in slow decline... If any of you have ever read the novel Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes, you will get what I am saying. I remember myself reading that book for the first time, many years ago. I did not understand myself back then, why I was crying through most of it. Of course, later I did.

Anyhow, I got the AD meds for him, but he still refuses taking them. At least they are in his home now. Knowing him, if nothing very unexpected or weird happens in the coming weeks and months, he will probably submit to them and try them. He now has the caregiver (his neighbor) who will help in many things no one helped him before, and who can also monitor meds as per instructions, but in fact, I also trust my dad in knowing what works for him and how to use it. He's demonstrated this throughout his life with many things, including his current med regime for the atherosclerosis, which he supplements with herbal teas of his own choosing (I have the same passion for these and originally learned from him).

So, this is the summary and current status right now. I'm going back to NY today. Lots to ponder and to do, as always. Also lots of intense feelings coming and going in my life, as usually. I really love the sober experience of all this now. Wonder why I ever attempted to alter it? Well, I know why, and it no longer matters.
Thanks for listening, friends

Aellyce

Also, maybe interesting to some here. I met someone in Singapore during my interview who first challenged me throughout my interview seminar, and then when in our 1:1 meeting. He told me that my "so called ideas" will certainly fail because they are unsupported theoretically, experimentally, and financially. ~A week later (I was in Europe already), he sends me the plans, and very practical testing details of the technology that attracted me in the first place to this Singapore place, besides the opportunities to travel in Asia that I had never done before. He tells me "there have been many like you before". Yeah? Ok.

I love that we have internet on intercontinental flights these days, although it does not help me forget about my issues

Boleo

I spent 20+ years in a high-tech industry. Whenever someone challenged my expertise, I learned that my best defence was Stoicism. It only made them more frustrated and eventually lead them to believe that l might have more cards than I was willing to show at the table.

I suspect that is what you unwittingly did... Demonstrated you could remain calm in a storm. Detachment can be a powerful tool when used at the right time.

Aellyce

Yes to all that, Boleo.

The other thing is, though, biology. I believe that as a woman, only child and with no kids, want it or not, on the 40 landmark, I'm in search for.... immortality (as in my teens and early 20's), again . Never experienced it in so many weird ways though, so please both guys and gals, comment and help

Aellyce

Wanderlust from my country. Sorry if you don't understand parts of it. This is really with our accents

Aellyce

Hi, everyone

I thought to update this thread again. The feedback here and on my other threads has been invaluably useful for me, so I will keep doing it even though I think that my posting these kinds of threads is overly self-indulgent and perhaps inappropriate here.

I just wrote about my dad in a PM to a friend last night, and I will copy much of it here because I think I gave a good summary there.

"His health keeps declining but he refuses to go to a hospital for proper tests; both his gp and I tried to convince him many times that if nothing else, they might be able to update his medication regimen to something better. It might also be that something else/new is causing his symptoms compared with what is known from the last thorough examination ~1.5 year ago. We know that he has severe atherosclerosis and that's what his meds are treating (not curing of course), but that is expected and inevitable at his age. He has a lot of neurological symptoms that are caused by who-knows-what. But in sum, nothing that is weird for someone at 84... relatively, he's still in a "good" shape, can walk around, take care of his needs in the house, sometimes can also do a bit of mild yard work. What I discovered last time when I was there though is that he also seems quite seriously depressed. I got his gp prescribe ADs for him and he has them now with instructions how to take them, but does not want to. We got a caregiver for him (a neighbor he has known for many decades) who checks on him daily (I hope!) and helps him more than the help he was given before. To be honest, knowing him very well and seeing what I saw last time, I think he really does not want to live anymore and looks forward to death everyday. It's very hard for a man like him, who had always been full of inspiration, vigor, activities, plans for 10 lifetimes, upbeat mood most of the time... before the last ~2 years. He says himself this contrast and the loss of his abilities are very hard for him and he suffers greatly. Of course all this is extremely heartbreaking for me as well but luckily I have the "personality" to deal with it pretty much alone as far as family goes and I have lots of good things in my life. I will go see my dad again in ~a month and decided that I will keep jumping over the Pond regularly like that for long weekends etc in the future, as long as he's alive.

I'm sure I would not have dealt well with this stage with my dad at all while drinking the way I was before I quit and I can't be grateful enough everyday that I got sober for good, the benefits go beyond expectations in all sorts of ways and I'm just discovering more and more."

Aellyce

Hi friends.

Another update. I don't even know why I keep updating these threads. Guess I'm trying to integrate them, if nowhere else, in my head.

So the current update is that my dad's condition is not getting better at all, it's getting worse kinda weekly that I have a chance to follow. He is 84, and I know this is going to sound horrible, but just how long should one deal with this after the kind of life he has lived and given?! I am not saying this for me, but for him.

Also, to follow up on the Metallica theme, here:


I'm good otherwise. Lots of work... also working on that Singapore thing, writing grants for it But somehow right now it just does not stick, I mean my mood I guess.

Better next time

Cow

H, for myself, I was abuse by both Pappa and Momma. Momma change as time go by, and I forgive her and was by her side daily until her death. Pappa is still sociopath and I has never forgive him. I love him only via pity. I has tell my 2 stoic brothers that I was there for Momma, but when time come, they will has to step up and be there for Pappa, cuz I simply cannot.

When it come to family, I think, if you love, you love, and you do what love does. If you not love, you can fake it, or you can be dutiful, and that is you choice, but if it not love and is not serve you life, I not believe there is obligation. I not believe in sanctity of blood ties. They seem to me a fake human construct. As Metallica would say: you know it sad but true uu uu!

RobbyRobot

Hi haennie. Very sorry to hear your dad's condition isn't stable. You brought up a tough consideration - what is quality of life in our winter years when our health is seriously failing? No easy answers.

Aellyce

Thanks a lot, Cow and Robby.

Cow, I was thinking like that when I was younger, that blood ties should not mean obligation for relationships, or mean automatic responsibilities. I still do about some of my relatives (I have very few alive and we don't really keep in touch): we never had much of a relationship beyond pretty superficial when I was a kid, or when some was begging for financial help out of the blue. My whole family has been quite screwed up (both lineages) as far as the last few generations go that I know of, and most of them never made any effort or very minimal to get to a better place with their lives. Lots of self destructiveness, mental illnesses, difficult childhoods, poverty, etc. And not much ability to maintain decent relationships. I pretty much only had this with my father, and I consider myself incredibly lucky because I'm sure I would not be where I am with my life without him in my youth. But even that is not a clear or clean construct either... I am actually just "looking" into this (and many other related things) in therapy recently and some of it is far from simple and straightforward (well I guess it always is if you care to look deep enough). I could of course choose not to care about all this and just be, but it would not be me if I did not want to dissect everything and get into the depths of it as much as realistically possible. My current therapist is amazing, btw... but it does get complicated and intense at times. Anyhow, I just wanted to say these days/age I think a bit differently and I do feel more responsibility simply just based on "given" ties. Actually this is a good thing for my personal development, I think, I was far too selfish younger.

Robby, absolutely... These are actually questions I have been interested in for a long time even just on a theoretical/philosophical basis. Like you say, no easy answers, and the questions can lead to areas that have remained unanswered really throughout human history if we really get into them.

What troubles me most intensely in relation to my father's issues right now is the dilemma whether I'm doing the right thing or not, not being there with him all the time. It's a very hard dilemma because practically it's pretty much impossible for me to do this unless I decide to disrupt the career and life of a quite large bunch of people, some that have been there for me and we worked really symbiotically even during my most difficult times of alcoholism. And then I keep thinking that perhaps I will regret this decision a lot later... I never thought of it much earlier in my life, but I'm definitely not too happy being an only child now. There is no easy compromise around all this. But such is life, we deal with it as it blows.

Thanks again for the notes, friends

Boleo

One of the things that I have learned as a result of being a caregiver and Hospice volunteer, is that you never can tell how long someone may , or may not live;

Sometimes the doctor gives them 2 years - they end up living 2 weeks.

Sometimes the doctor gives them 2 weeks - they end up living 2 years.

You can't put your career on hold unless you know for sure you can take a few years off without consequences.

Aellyce

Exactly, Boleo. Precisely the reasoning that was the basis of my decision. For example, when I was there the last time (few weeks ago), he looked relatively quite okay for his age and condition physically. I thought at the time that what troubles him more than physical decline right now is depression and existential anxiety. Not saying those are less serious and cause less suffering to someone, it would not be me (someone working in the mental health field) making such claim. But of course one can never say truly, especially as he pretty much refuses medical care now. The only thing he allowed (and we almost fought over it) was to call his GP for a visit and she could examine him in his home. But such examination of course is very limited. I keep telling him that if he were less stubborn and decided to just take a few days to be properly examined in a hospital (last time he had that was ~2 years ago), they might even find a new form of treatment that would make all this much easier. Or try the antidepressant that was prescribed to him when I was there. No. I do understand the mentality and resistance, but still hard to deal with it: he refuses medical care, but is very clingy with me and sometimes even guilt trips me, I think out of despair and fear. I was thinking the other day, his condition kinda resembles that of an active addict... and so of course I do get it.

I think what might be best for him at this point is to live in a comfortable elder's facility where he would be taken care of and would have company. He has always been a quite social and extroverted person during his prime, and I am certain that the isolation and solitude he lives in now make everything worse. Well, I know. he has suffered loneliness greatly since my mom's passing several years ago, even though they really did not have such a great relationship at all. But someone was around him and took care of his needs. I do believe he would appreciate having somewhat similar (including friends) in a facility, or perhaps a live-in nurse, and I would be more than willing to pay for any of these. But no. I definitely see where I inherited my independent spirit from. It actually makes me question my views about how I want to spend the rest of my own life, especially in old age or potential illness.

readerbaby71

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending much love and healing thoughts to you and your family. I'm so sorry your dad is struggling. HUGS.

Aellyce

I am like my dad in quite a few ways. Of course no surprise, given that he was pretty much the only caregiver I ever connected with in my childhood/youth. I'm visiting him again in 2 weeks, for a long weekend.

What I was pondering recently though is how I also have a similar pattern of avoiding medical checkups. Well, easy to avoid them as long as I don't have any serious problem, and so far in my life I have not had any physical illness that went beyond the seriousness of fast recovering colds and other bugs... maybe had the flu once.... some mild childhood illnesses (eg. ear infections and getting my tonsils removed as a result, my only "serious" surgery so far). All of my serious health challenges so far have been mental (but for those, not a light load I would say).

I'm trying to think how I could take better care of my physical health from now on. I do struggle a lot with regular doctor visits (just like my dad), simply because I never had to. I got into a habit of doing it for a few years a while ago, when I was living in England... but really not good again here in the US, even in the past ~5 years working in a top notch hospital in NYC, having a great insurance, all that... just my old bad habits.

Anyone similar and managed to beat the resistance stably?

Cow

I not like doctors. Even more so, I hate doctor office. Super hate hospitals! But I have serious complication from drinking and drugs that need care and genetic preponderances that need monitoring. Last couple years, I really let medical stuff go. Not really take care of self at all, was not responsible, but I still using so...

Anyways, for sure part of sobriety for me must be to pull head out of sand and make doctor appointments and keep them. I starting to do this. Sobriety, for me, is not just "not drinking" is whole bunch of things involving self care and wellness. If I not make it a full package deal, it never gonna work. Maybe you look at it that way, consider check ups and stuff part of you sober commitment to you self.

bigsombrero

This might seem extreme to you, but it also might be an eventual option that you'll consider seriously down the road. My grandmother is 99 years old (wow) and has finally made the transition to this type of environment.

The whole situation is so hard. I'm sorry you're far away. On the other hand, your distance has likely given you a better perspective. When I see my grandmother these days, I can tell that something is "off". She is confused, and often speaks with long pauses and uses incorrect names. My mother (her daughter), on the other hand, seems to think that my grandmother is just fine. She sees my grandma every day and my mom seems genuinely bewildered when hospice workers discuss my grandmother's confusion. My other grandmother went through a similar situation (at 95) and my father also didn't think there was too much wrong with her, while the rest of us noticed big changes. Anyhoo, long story short we've been through this in my family recently and are currently enduring some similar circumstances. That said, I'm the grandson of the people involved, so I'm a wee bit further removed.

From the sidelines, I've seen that the best thing to do might be to meet with a managed care facility in his area on your visit. My mom and aunt did this for starters. Get some recommendations from professionals. Maybe the first step is to move him to an independent-style living facility that gives him his own apartment (he has his own kitchen, shops independently, his own bedroom and living room). It might be a good place to start. As for getting the topic on the table, there are lots of support groups out there that help children talk to parents about transitional care. A facility like the one I mentioned usually has a few social workers on board with experience in the matter. They will have recommendations on how to start the topic with your father in a non-threatening way. Heck, maybe he's not ready for that step yet but it can't hurt to get informed in 10 weeks. I'm really sorry to hear the news, and I hope you know there are many with you as you go through this tough time.