Crossroad
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 49
Crossroad
I'll try not to make this too long....
I'm a few years shy of 40 and have been married for about half that time (got married right out of high school). I've been drinking for about the past ten years but over the course of the last few years I had started to get out of control. I'm sure every alcoholic thinks this about themselves, as we are all our own worst critics, but I think I may have been one of the worst kind of drunks.
I NEVER missed work.
I NEVER got into any kind of trouble with the law.
I wouldn't get home from work and immediately hit the bottle (there was always dinner first then maybe some things to do around the house and play with our now 3 year old son).
If the family had something planned (a daytrip, etc) I would always go along (sober) and have a great time.
But as soon as the kid was asleep and the house was starting to shut down I would pound between 15 and 20 vodka shots over the course of just a few hours and wash it down with a few beers. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I would wake up, shake off the hangover, go through the day and repeat. I was so good at hiding it from the outside world. Especially since I would make jokes about drinking and never shying a way from a good old drinking story.
It's terribly amazing how many arguments I could start in such a short drunken window.
Over the years I have said more offensive things (that I can remember) and ruined so many evenings for my wife than I dare remember. But it all came to a head last week. Although I had been on my regular drinking schedule we hadn't gotten into (meaning I hadn't started) any arguments in a while. I had been working on a project for her for a few weeks and everything was going well. Sadly, I made the choice to get extra drunk just as I was going to continue helping her and started a fight and at some point (using many curse words I'm sure) told here to do it herself.
Its not that that one, single thing was any worse than anything else, but it was sort of like the accumulation of things. Typically in the past I would wake up to find a text on my phone saying how I acted like a jerk and hurt her feelings or I would find a note ripping into me for being such a drunk (and rightfully so). This time was different. I woke up to a very clinical text which was basically a copy\paste from an article that I'm guessing would have been titled something like, "How you know when it's time to leave an alcoholic spouse."
It stopped me in my tracks. Why something like that got to me while all other texts/notes/messages never did is beyond me. But here I am now. Further, she has expressed that she is finished with this relationship. Yes, she has said that before but the tone is different. While we are still under the same roof (sleeping in different rooms) we haven't spoken in any meaningful way. Just polite words, sort of like you might let someone cut ahead of you at the 7-11 coffee area.
What makes it a bit more difficult is I work days while she works nights on the weekends and a few random weekday nights. When we are home I am too frightened (and/or ashamed) to talk to her and the few times I have tried I was met with a cold stare and no real response. While she is at work I'm hesitant to text her because I don't want to harass her at work (keeping in mind in the past I have, I'm sure, sent some stupid drunken texts).
So, on Saturday morning I dumped all the vodka and beer down the drain and am on my second day sober. I also feel like I'm at a crossroad in my life and because of my actions, I really have very little control over the future. That is, I have no control over whether or not my wife will stay or go.
What I do have control over is my sobriety and I have to hold on to it with everything I have. I can't believe I'm at this point but if phrases like "Joint Custody" are going to enter into my world's vocabulary, I'm going to have to be sober like never before if I'm going to survive.
There is a lot more but that is the gist of it. They say writing things down helps, I guess it did a little.
I'm a few years shy of 40 and have been married for about half that time (got married right out of high school). I've been drinking for about the past ten years but over the course of the last few years I had started to get out of control. I'm sure every alcoholic thinks this about themselves, as we are all our own worst critics, but I think I may have been one of the worst kind of drunks.
I NEVER missed work.
I NEVER got into any kind of trouble with the law.
I wouldn't get home from work and immediately hit the bottle (there was always dinner first then maybe some things to do around the house and play with our now 3 year old son).
If the family had something planned (a daytrip, etc) I would always go along (sober) and have a great time.
But as soon as the kid was asleep and the house was starting to shut down I would pound between 15 and 20 vodka shots over the course of just a few hours and wash it down with a few beers. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I would wake up, shake off the hangover, go through the day and repeat. I was so good at hiding it from the outside world. Especially since I would make jokes about drinking and never shying a way from a good old drinking story.
It's terribly amazing how many arguments I could start in such a short drunken window.
Over the years I have said more offensive things (that I can remember) and ruined so many evenings for my wife than I dare remember. But it all came to a head last week. Although I had been on my regular drinking schedule we hadn't gotten into (meaning I hadn't started) any arguments in a while. I had been working on a project for her for a few weeks and everything was going well. Sadly, I made the choice to get extra drunk just as I was going to continue helping her and started a fight and at some point (using many curse words I'm sure) told here to do it herself.
Its not that that one, single thing was any worse than anything else, but it was sort of like the accumulation of things. Typically in the past I would wake up to find a text on my phone saying how I acted like a jerk and hurt her feelings or I would find a note ripping into me for being such a drunk (and rightfully so). This time was different. I woke up to a very clinical text which was basically a copy\paste from an article that I'm guessing would have been titled something like, "How you know when it's time to leave an alcoholic spouse."
It stopped me in my tracks. Why something like that got to me while all other texts/notes/messages never did is beyond me. But here I am now. Further, she has expressed that she is finished with this relationship. Yes, she has said that before but the tone is different. While we are still under the same roof (sleeping in different rooms) we haven't spoken in any meaningful way. Just polite words, sort of like you might let someone cut ahead of you at the 7-11 coffee area.
What makes it a bit more difficult is I work days while she works nights on the weekends and a few random weekday nights. When we are home I am too frightened (and/or ashamed) to talk to her and the few times I have tried I was met with a cold stare and no real response. While she is at work I'm hesitant to text her because I don't want to harass her at work (keeping in mind in the past I have, I'm sure, sent some stupid drunken texts).
So, on Saturday morning I dumped all the vodka and beer down the drain and am on my second day sober. I also feel like I'm at a crossroad in my life and because of my actions, I really have very little control over the future. That is, I have no control over whether or not my wife will stay or go.
What I do have control over is my sobriety and I have to hold on to it with everything I have. I can't believe I'm at this point but if phrases like "Joint Custody" are going to enter into my world's vocabulary, I'm going to have to be sober like never before if I'm going to survive.
There is a lot more but that is the gist of it. They say writing things down helps, I guess it did a little.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Glad you are here.
I quit the same way--just realized I was about to lose it all and stopped.
And that was pretty much it. Like you, good job, didn't miss work,
no DUI issues but would come home and drink like a fish and gradually got meaner.
Life is so much better sober I wouldn't ever want to go back.
You may want to go to a doctor since some people can get really ill from withdrawals
from alcohol--
I wish you good luck and hope things work out with your marriage.
I quit the same way--just realized I was about to lose it all and stopped.
And that was pretty much it. Like you, good job, didn't miss work,
no DUI issues but would come home and drink like a fish and gradually got meaner.
Life is so much better sober I wouldn't ever want to go back.
You may want to go to a doctor since some people can get really ill from withdrawals
from alcohol--
I wish you good luck and hope things work out with your marriage.
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