Wholesome

I have not always been the best mother..... I have chosen drinking over my responsibilities with my boys and I feel terrible about it. I'm not talking about neglecting them because I certainly am not guilty of that, but other little things like not being able to drive then places cuz I was drinking or missing their sports games sometimes cuz I would rather stay home with my precious beer. Getting them to school late because I couldn't wake up in time for school. Not listening to them properly cuz I'm half bagged. Being grumpy because I don't feel well from a hangover. Not setting a good example. The little things that I can't take back. Makes me feel really lousy about myself. They deserved better. I haven't talked to them about being an alcoholic or apologized to them. I have told them that I've quit drinking but I haven't used that label on myself to them, not sure if I will, at least not yet. It hurts my heart to think that I hurt them. They are the suns that I orbit.

SoberLeigh

((((zenchaser)))) I understand, sweetheart.

You can't change the past, zen, but the future is yours for the writing and you can make it fantastic.

cardoon

Stay positive; stay in the present. Your actions today will be your gift to them.

Gonnachange

The best thing you can do for them and you is to stay sober and be the mother you want to be. Put that standard in your tool box so it's available the next time you have an urge.

Wholesome

Oh I know! It's just tough sometimes when I think of all the could of's and should of's.... I just got back from my son's hockey game and was chatting with their dad, my ex, and he kindly offered me some lacrosse tickets for next weekend that he can't use. He said it's one of the biggest drinking events he goes to. I said, oh I'm not drinking anymore. His face got very grave and he said, not at all? Like ever? Haha! I said nope. He said, oh well have fun anyway.

Drinking and drugs ruined our marriage. We had a couple of serious domestics and I kicked him out. I didn't want to raise my babies is a house where we were fighting like that. But it didn't sober me up... I kept going without him.

Anyways! All I can do is keep moving forward. Keep doing the right thing for me and my babies, well they're big babies today! lol Try to forgive myself for my mistakes and weaknesses.

Timmy1028

You know, all we can do is keep moving forward. I have a 13 year old daughter who is (of course - after all, I am her daddy) wonderful. Although she has had a very good childhood, and her mother has made sure of it, I feel guilty too. Not that I was horrible. I just could have been a lot better.

It was always my rationale that I got the bills paid and made good income. Her mother took care of all the extras, but I could have just been so much more involved at times. Some of it is guilt, some just wishing I could have back the time I lost to booze.

But you know what, I just need to be thankful she is only 13, and we have a lot of time left to make the most of. That is if I keep myself healthy and be the person God made me to be.

Sounds like you do too!

Wholesome

Mine are 10 and 12. They are well loved little boys who have never wanted for anything. They've been treated with kindness and respect. I just know that there are times that I could of done better too. They should not of been exposed to me drinking the way I was. It's not normal for someone to drink every day. And sometimes I would get lose lipped and say inappropriate things. They've seen me sick from drink and puking.

It wasn't all bad. I did a lot of things right too. They've turned out just fine. The are healthy and intelligent and funny, and fabulously good looking like their mom They do well in school and have friends. We are very close and I know that they feel safe with me and they can tell me anything. So all is not lost. I'm just beating myself up a bit and having some regrets. I think it comes with the territory of getting sober.

But as SoberLeigh said I can't change the past.

Della1968

I feel exactly the same way. I think my guilt about drinking led to even more drinking. I can't change the past but I can sure as hell change the now and the future.

OklaBH

I know exactly how you feel. My sons are 21, 20 & 19...I missed so much with them. I was physically present everyday, went to games, had huge birthday parties...but mentally I dont know where I was. The disease robs everyone. Please just move forward. Its the only choice you have. So happy we dont have to live like that anymore

OmoRose

Oh yes....I understand you so well.

Everyday lost to drinking instead of bright eyed and dragging them to something fun, late days to school, missed events. Yes it sucks, BUT the past matters not. Today counts, tomorrow, next game, next event, next weekend to wake up and head out with them somewhere.

Rage against the urge to get plastered. Even half drunk you can do that. Face to face in the mirror. Pour it down the drain, take a blasting hot shower, drink a half gallon of water, or a few sodas, make dinner, talk about tomorrow, go to bed, snore deeply, wake up and go have fun with them. What a bitch to stay sober, yes, but make it something you do at least once a week, for them.

Start doing it, for yourself, everyday. Rage and take two showers everyday if need be, EAT some food! Take those vitamins, tend your nails, cream your face, Drink water! Come here and let loose like a wildcat with your frustration. . Whatever helps, do it.

I'm right there with you