Just breathe for me.*graphic in a not good way*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
Just breathe for me.*graphic in a not good way*
I cant bring myself to look at my 2 threads ive started. I dont want to read my words. Been to 3 a.a. meetings in 3 days. I wish i could be in a.a. all day. its the only time i feel safe. I wish i could get the courage to ask one of em for their phone number, but i'm new in town. I'm a stranger. I'm the out of towner with all the drop dead designer clothes that just says "drop dead" every where. I find it funny I have designer stuff and I'm homeless.
what we talked about the last few days, or i have. is With addiction, whatever it is, you think your hiding it from everyone but everyone knows, youre just lying to yourself. What makes it different this time. I feel, is we went over whatever in the a.a. book i dont know if it was the page 58 or whatever. but Im fearless now. My ***** on the table. Ive never been homeless. I'm a pretty boy, a street smart pretty boy but whatever. Which is funny. before i guess i feared not having another hit of this or that or whatever. I remember when i first moved to utah, to weld, 5 years ago.... I would walk around salt lake city. I would goto walmart. Steal 1 , 2 3 bottles of duster. And a pair of headphones. Would listen to a song from an album called "hell the sequel" the song was " im on everything" . I could sing that whole song to this day.
Walk up around town, double fisting bottles of computer dust off, stop where the gyms were. You know how they line the treadmills up by the window so people could just watch the street. Stop look at them, take a fat hit, not know where I was going, and just see if they cared. If i made it back, would figure out how to unfreeze my lungs, then find some pot, or that legal spice ********, whatever. Alcohols been a fall back, and has also caused me the most trouble in my life. I spent thousands of dollars on cocaine, everyday when i was younger, seems that was easier to quit then alcohol. But thats when I started picking up cutting myself pretty badly and burning myself. Whatever.
Cutting i founds the only thing ive been really able to lie about, and nobody picks up on. I dont talk much, i dont show off my body , only if I'm with a girlfriend does anyone see me with a shirt off.
Im not sure if its the end result being messed up, or just the fact that i dont like myself as a person. Only time ive liked myself is when im messed up, and then its I'm messed up, probably didnt really have a reason to like myself, just sounded good, hitting whatever drinking whatever. i finally felt more regret in drinking the last time i did it. Usually when i felt regret is when i would slash my wrist up the highway across the highway and bleed to die, to not die. and to stop it grab a roll of duck tape and just wrap my arm up so it held the blood in so I could goto my nieces birthday.
I did that afew times. Im 28, and the movement in my hands shows what i had down, Im not as quick with my hands. I drop stuff. I can't control my pinky anymore it does a halfway type of thing... I cant explain to people who have never done it other than that.
10 minutes at a time. I dont think i can do a day at a time yet. They say Im worth it at a.a. I think it will never sink in. Im a regret kind of person more and more. Sorry if i flip flop.
Thanks for reading. not to sure wht to expect from this, or from myself.
Its pretty hard wanting to live sometimes these days.
I feel its better for me to talk about this, than to actually do it, if i wouldnt talk about it, is probably when people should maybe worry....
I hope yall have a goodnight.
what we talked about the last few days, or i have. is With addiction, whatever it is, you think your hiding it from everyone but everyone knows, youre just lying to yourself. What makes it different this time. I feel, is we went over whatever in the a.a. book i dont know if it was the page 58 or whatever. but Im fearless now. My ***** on the table. Ive never been homeless. I'm a pretty boy, a street smart pretty boy but whatever. Which is funny. before i guess i feared not having another hit of this or that or whatever. I remember when i first moved to utah, to weld, 5 years ago.... I would walk around salt lake city. I would goto walmart. Steal 1 , 2 3 bottles of duster. And a pair of headphones. Would listen to a song from an album called "hell the sequel" the song was " im on everything" . I could sing that whole song to this day.
Walk up around town, double fisting bottles of computer dust off, stop where the gyms were. You know how they line the treadmills up by the window so people could just watch the street. Stop look at them, take a fat hit, not know where I was going, and just see if they cared. If i made it back, would figure out how to unfreeze my lungs, then find some pot, or that legal spice ********, whatever. Alcohols been a fall back, and has also caused me the most trouble in my life. I spent thousands of dollars on cocaine, everyday when i was younger, seems that was easier to quit then alcohol. But thats when I started picking up cutting myself pretty badly and burning myself. Whatever.
Cutting i founds the only thing ive been really able to lie about, and nobody picks up on. I dont talk much, i dont show off my body , only if I'm with a girlfriend does anyone see me with a shirt off.
Im not sure if its the end result being messed up, or just the fact that i dont like myself as a person. Only time ive liked myself is when im messed up, and then its I'm messed up, probably didnt really have a reason to like myself, just sounded good, hitting whatever drinking whatever. i finally felt more regret in drinking the last time i did it. Usually when i felt regret is when i would slash my wrist up the highway across the highway and bleed to die, to not die. and to stop it grab a roll of duck tape and just wrap my arm up so it held the blood in so I could goto my nieces birthday.
I did that afew times. Im 28, and the movement in my hands shows what i had down, Im not as quick with my hands. I drop stuff. I can't control my pinky anymore it does a halfway type of thing... I cant explain to people who have never done it other than that.
10 minutes at a time. I dont think i can do a day at a time yet. They say Im worth it at a.a. I think it will never sink in. Im a regret kind of person more and more. Sorry if i flip flop.
Thanks for reading. not to sure wht to expect from this, or from myself.
Its pretty hard wanting to live sometimes these days.
I feel its better for me to talk about this, than to actually do it, if i wouldnt talk about it, is probably when people should maybe worry....
I hope yall have a goodnight.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am glad you are going to the meetings.. keep going. just keep going.
I hope you believe me when I say, you are worth it. because I believe it, and I believe in you.
Thanks for your honest share. That takes courage, online or not.
chicory
I hope you believe me when I say, you are worth it. because I believe it, and I believe in you.
Thanks for your honest share. That takes courage, online or not.
chicory
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Keep talking to us, SS. We are here for you.
You're facing a lot and you've got a lot of courage. You're finding your voice here, and I hope you'll take the chance and find your voice at a meeting and get some numbers and get the help you so deserve, my friend.
Im a cutter too and I get it...I really do. I'm trying to find healthier ways to deal with stuff and I really hope you can, too....but I understand when everything's too much, it's instant relief. You're not alone, ok?
And I want you to know you are so worthy and I believe in you.
I hope you'll keep hanging out here with us, it's a safe place to be.
You're facing a lot and you've got a lot of courage. You're finding your voice here, and I hope you'll take the chance and find your voice at a meeting and get some numbers and get the help you so deserve, my friend.
Im a cutter too and I get it...I really do. I'm trying to find healthier ways to deal with stuff and I really hope you can, too....but I understand when everything's too much, it's instant relief. You're not alone, ok?
And I want you to know you are so worthy and I believe in you.
I hope you'll keep hanging out here with us, it's a safe place to be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
They say Im worth it at a.a. I think it will never sink in
in time I realized I wasn't lieing to myself. I was just focusing on more positive things and thoughts. all the bad was still there but it was getting better and I was not allowing the bad to get the best of me as much etc..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
What I see in you is a beautiful soul. Please keep coming back and posting. Keep reaching out. You have much to contribute in this world, even if it is hard or impossible to see right now. Things change. And when they do, you look back and think..how in the world did I EVER feel THAT way?
Sending you love and hugs.
Sending you love and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I've gone through some very black periods and came out the other side because I just kept going to meetings. I didn't kill myself one day at a time. I didn't drink one day at a time. You wake up one morning and you're ok. It's how it works and for me it's been working for over 23 years. God bless!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
28 is a great age to make changes for the better...I don't know why but I feel 28 is a real coming of age age.
You are here and in AA it is a great start.
Making the necessary changes take time so even when you feel you are going backwards it is part of the progress.. you will feel good again...it is going to take a little time.
Our brain chemistry has taken a beating, it needs time to recover. Allow it time to heal.
Posting and talking about your feelings it is important.
You are here and in AA it is a great start.
Making the necessary changes take time so even when you feel you are going backwards it is part of the progress.. you will feel good again...it is going to take a little time.
Our brain chemistry has taken a beating, it needs time to recover. Allow it time to heal.
Posting and talking about your feelings it is important.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
I got an apartment. 680 dollars later. What just blows my mind is i have a job , fat wad of cash and i was homeless. In utah if youre mormon the mormons help em, my ex is mormon thats probably why im being treated as an outcast. Ive decided Im going to face whatever criminal charges i have with my lawyer, assault domestic violence assault with a child present, although my ex was the one holding my daughter attacking me. I was drunk, i dont believe i deserve all the stuff but whatever. Im not a girl. Im getting screwed and ill just let it be. I asked my lawyer if i could press charges on her, it would be civil not criminal like mine... and whatever it wasnt ment to be if i get raped over it so to say, I got the lube aka my lawyer. I just hope she looks back and feels bad about it.
with the apartment i dont even think im going to use the bedroom. Front room is fine, a bedroom just seems like a lot of space i'm not use to anymore.
It reminds me of a movie...i cant recall the name. it has samuel l jackson. The guy who did play wolverine in the past, i dont keep up with movies anymore could of changed.. hugh jackman? terrorist movie.
but he says a line in it for some reason i hold onto.. "Youre a grown man, deal with it'' Havent seen the movie in awhile. Theres a few criminals from the t.v. show "lockup msn" i remember some things they say.
When i got the apartment, i was freaking out before thinking how am i going to shower.. should i goto the truck stop and wash, but on lunch the lady called I was so ******* happy i told her i loved her.
Im starting to think i can say those words to anyone idk if its good or bad but their losing meaning and at the same time its how appreciative i am to someone whos nice to me. Was in line to buy a 18 pack of eggs and a tomato, the lady pulled me out of line and said i can help you.. "youre so sweet" i told her haha. six foot 3 grown man using the word sweet and not because candy is in my mouth.
As i was walking around tho, i was thinking.... This is a good reason to go get a bottle, ill be by myself. My aapartments probably a couple hundred feet from the liquor store. i didnt get one.
with the apartment i dont even think im going to use the bedroom. Front room is fine, a bedroom just seems like a lot of space i'm not use to anymore.
It reminds me of a movie...i cant recall the name. it has samuel l jackson. The guy who did play wolverine in the past, i dont keep up with movies anymore could of changed.. hugh jackman? terrorist movie.
but he says a line in it for some reason i hold onto.. "Youre a grown man, deal with it'' Havent seen the movie in awhile. Theres a few criminals from the t.v. show "lockup msn" i remember some things they say.
When i got the apartment, i was freaking out before thinking how am i going to shower.. should i goto the truck stop and wash, but on lunch the lady called I was so ******* happy i told her i loved her.
Im starting to think i can say those words to anyone idk if its good or bad but their losing meaning and at the same time its how appreciative i am to someone whos nice to me. Was in line to buy a 18 pack of eggs and a tomato, the lady pulled me out of line and said i can help you.. "youre so sweet" i told her haha. six foot 3 grown man using the word sweet and not because candy is in my mouth.
As i was walking around tho, i was thinking.... This is a good reason to go get a bottle, ill be by myself. My aapartments probably a couple hundred feet from the liquor store. i didnt get one.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
I'm glad you got an apartment. A place to call home was one of the main things I needed for the recovery.
I have a liquor store a few hundred feet from me too. Doesn't bother me and in time I'm sure you won't think about it either.
D
I have a liquor store a few hundred feet from me too. Doesn't bother me and in time I'm sure you won't think about it either.
D
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Thank you for checking in, SS!
I'm so glad you got an apartment and I'm really glad you chose not to drink!! Awesome!!
And I'm really proud of you for facing the unpleasant stuff head on. You can face this sober and know you're doing the right thing.
I'm really glad you're here!
I'm so glad you got an apartment and I'm really glad you chose not to drink!! Awesome!!
And I'm really proud of you for facing the unpleasant stuff head on. You can face this sober and know you're doing the right thing.
I'm really glad you're here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
Thanks, yall are to nice to me. I dont deserve it.
with my charges im surprised yall are. Before i got into this if I had herd it, id of been like "dude you beat the **** outta your girl?"
I dont know, never had criminal charges other than dui, but i think thats more traffic...?
Been thinking of getting my throat tattooed a lot lately. I also didnt goto a.a. tonight. wasnt in town was in richfield. I really dont like going there. Might have to go there to do laundry at the cleaners tho.
with my charges im surprised yall are. Before i got into this if I had herd it, id of been like "dude you beat the **** outta your girl?"
I dont know, never had criminal charges other than dui, but i think thats more traffic...?
Been thinking of getting my throat tattooed a lot lately. I also didnt goto a.a. tonight. wasnt in town was in richfield. I really dont like going there. Might have to go there to do laundry at the cleaners tho.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 60
I really feel for you. I'm not sure what to say or do to help.
I guess all I can do for now is listen.
However , stop hating yourself , stop beating yourself up. I'm sure there are many parts of yourself to like.
I'm not sure what charitable organizations are around the area , but find some pronto and get some more help.
You are seeing people for the Alcohol issue but try to get assistance with regards to lodgings , food and any other support you need.
Don't give in. No more cutting yourself.
Best wishes
I guess all I can do for now is listen.
However , stop hating yourself , stop beating yourself up. I'm sure there are many parts of yourself to like.
I'm not sure what charitable organizations are around the area , but find some pronto and get some more help.
You are seeing people for the Alcohol issue but try to get assistance with regards to lodgings , food and any other support you need.
Don't give in. No more cutting yourself.
Best wishes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
Youre straight bro. Cuttings been on my mind since ******* about 3 weeks ago when i got the straight edge razor blades from wal-mart. but i cant ******* find them. On top of that i dont want to be viewed as feeling sorry for myself. theres always a lot of blood to... the walls are white. just wouldnt be good.
Only assistance ive seem to locate are the ******* mormons and they dont really even help because im not female i feel, and i wasnt born into mormon-ism. I should feel like getting baptised in the next month or so is a good thing, but i have doubt. The last time I met with them, they were just chit chatting but mormons dont really have experience i feel in life, moreso, just church. They look down on people who drink a can of soda. Depending on which ones. My exes mom is a junky bitch, lies to em as long as they dont catch her they ******* give her everything on a plate. Politic religion.
I read once, a few weeks ago, that religions are just mediocre people with mediocre ideas. If i spelt that word right. smart people and not are usually pushed out. Its just like sheep in a herd.
im pretty sure people find stuff to like in me, whatever the **** they see. I think ive just been preconditioned to not like myself. If a guys a total ***** or punk ill stick up for myself, is about the only time. i could go into this more...
Like growing up. and we had a tight group of friends and then just one day everyone decided i wasnt good enough. this would go off an on. for example. Time frame wise, years. ******* 1st grade to i was about 19. Then one day there was a mysterious house fire, everyone but me died. Because i guess i wasnt accepted at the time. Otherwise id be as dead as them ******* right now.
Only assistance ive seem to locate are the ******* mormons and they dont really even help because im not female i feel, and i wasnt born into mormon-ism. I should feel like getting baptised in the next month or so is a good thing, but i have doubt. The last time I met with them, they were just chit chatting but mormons dont really have experience i feel in life, moreso, just church. They look down on people who drink a can of soda. Depending on which ones. My exes mom is a junky bitch, lies to em as long as they dont catch her they ******* give her everything on a plate. Politic religion.
I read once, a few weeks ago, that religions are just mediocre people with mediocre ideas. If i spelt that word right. smart people and not are usually pushed out. Its just like sheep in a herd.
im pretty sure people find stuff to like in me, whatever the **** they see. I think ive just been preconditioned to not like myself. If a guys a total ***** or punk ill stick up for myself, is about the only time. i could go into this more...
Like growing up. and we had a tight group of friends and then just one day everyone decided i wasnt good enough. this would go off an on. for example. Time frame wise, years. ******* 1st grade to i was about 19. Then one day there was a mysterious house fire, everyone but me died. Because i guess i wasnt accepted at the time. Otherwise id be as dead as them ******* right now.
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