Petewill

It's been awhile, I hope everyone is well..Anyways, I have managed to get even deeper in my resentment of recovery and higher power in the AA program. I have been toying with the idea of taking "molly" with a friend, not drinking though, that was how I had justified it. in the end, I ended up not doing it, as I thought it would lead to drinking again eventually. made a good decision, for now. I have been miserable in my recovery as of late, I now blame my higher power for the loneliness I have felt all these years, (drinking helped bury it for awhile) I don't the depression has been really strong lately too. I see a therapist and a shrink and take wellbutrin. I think it is working. not sure where I am going with this, just feel like life sucks and this is it and I have been always down and it will stay like this forever, hell I have now been sober over 19 months, the longest I have been sober ever. I feel so pathetic that I have shared about being so alone in general , it's so weak and I don't understand why this is.. i have a business, play in bands, but have yet to perform with them, my own place, and family.. so.. what is wrong with this picture. I get continuously get shot down or no response from dating websites. i feel like a leper.. lol.. serious.. i'm cursed. i am seriously starting to think that... I probably am making no sense..

Ellay

Hi PW those are my uncles initials as well. I am sorry that you are feeling so down, that really sucks when you have put in so much work with your sobriety. I can pretty much guess though that drinking will not help...I have seen a few relapses and so many are struggling with getting and staying sober after them, I would hate to see you in the same position. Have you taken the wellbutrin for awhile? My dr says that it is quite possible to "poop out" on anti's, and that a switch might be in order. You sound like an intelligent and fun guy - I am sure "the one" is out there for you.

JensDestiny

I am sorry that you are feeling sad and lonely. I can completely relate to blaming your higher power. *I would have bet money on mine making a mockery of me for years! Then, I realized that it took ME years to cause all of the damage to my life (overall) and will likely take just as long to fix all of the problems that I have inadvertently created.

I hope that you feel better soon and keep on keeping on. Jen

doggonecarl

I don't think your HP is in charge of your social life. That's you.

Don't let a relationship, or lack of one, be a measure of self esteem. I've been alone and happy and in relationships and miserable. I'd take the former any day.

PurpleKnight

19 months is fantastic!! . . . that's a great foundation to build from!!

tomsteve

Been workin the program?
Ever hear the ninth step promises?
IF we are pains taking about this phase of our develpoment we will be amazed before we are halfway through( halfway through the ninth step)
They will ALWAY materialize IF we work for them.

Is that the stuff ya share about at meetings?
If so, what has been suggested?

What's yer sponsor have to tell ya?

**

Petewill

yeah.. been kinda slacking with the program. on step 8. I like my sponsor alot, just don't know if he's really helping me at this point. there is a person with very good recovery that is interested or willing to sponsor me. he felt that my current sponsor is doing nothing for me.

Dee74

some great advice here Pete.
I'm glad to see you're hanging in there tho - don't leave before the miracle happens, right?

I'm not being sarcastic either - I really believe you'll make it

The big thing for me in recovery is - my life is what I make it.
If you're slacking off on recovery, son't. If you think you could have a better sponsor, find one. If you're music career is stalling, get a gig....

As for relationships...I've found things got a lot better when I did some work on my life and me.

My life is still pretty hard but I love it, and I love me.

Before that the vibe I was giving out just wasn't that attractive, y'know?

ps congrats on 19 months

D

NYCDoglvr

I'm an agnostic, sober 23 years and been treated for depression the entire time. I'm sorry you feel so terrible, I've been there and know it seems like it will be like this forever. Trust me, it won't. It helps to understand that many recovering alcoholics also deal with other mental illnesses like depression or bipolar. These are two different diseases, one treated with AA, the other with a psychiatrist and therapist.

The thoughts you describe I call "depression-think" because when the medication kicks and the depression lifts those beliefs cease. I look back and shudder that I was in such bad shape. So it's important that you talk openly with the doctor & therapist because the right meds work wonders.

Regarding AA, as I said I'm an agnostic and have my own Higher Power that has nothing to do with Christianity. I've worked the steps and I pray, which works! Having 18 months is a wonderful accomplishment so own that and try to keep focused in today. I learned to reel my mind back in when I started projecting or beating myself up.

My heart goes out to you. I promise it will get better ... keep reaching out and help will come. A big hug.

zjw

for starters ;you got 19 months that's a pretty big deal and I know for me it would be nothing short of a miracle I'd be willing to bet its a miracle for you as well.

I think your perspective is goofed up. I'm constantly told by some my perspective is screwed up and heck some of these same folks there perspective is screwed up too!

But lets think about it for a second what about the guy who has 1 week sober and all the same issues as you. and here you come with 19 months with these issues. There is a story about a guy who complained about the color of his shoes to another guy who had no feet.

My wife repeatidly told me numerious time as I wined about so many things in my life prior to sobering up and after sobering up to take into consideration the audience I was speaking too that I sounded like an a$$hole and you know she was right. But my point is not that you sound like an a$$hole my point is to change your focus some try to look at things differently.

Its really really hard to have a more positive outlook when your a pretty negative person by nature and battleing depression. I know I'm so guilty myself. But for me what I have had to do is find something anything to focus on that's positive. Maybe its that the sun came up today. maybe its that I'm sober today. maybe its that I had soap to wash with today. I'll find anything to cling too and try to keep my spirits up. In time I started to find more and more somethings. Now I'm getting better at finding the things to be happy about before I find the things to be unhappy about. I dunno if a pessimist can ever be come an optimist but I'm going to try.

So maybe try and focus on what is going right in your life. 19 months sobriety is a pretty good start. Theres bound to be other things. some of the problems you listed do stink but they cant be has hard as sobering up was are they? I know getting sober for me was so hard hardest thing I ever did. Lots of other obstacles have come my way since an di think meh this aint so bad getting sober was way worse i'll get through this.

Maybe think "perspective" change your view. Put the rosey glasses one once in a while if anything to get a smile for a short while.

Soberwolf

Great job on 19 months Petewill

i agree with D completly

Petewill

Thanks Dee.. and everyone else. The support on this board is just fantastic all the time. I wish/need to post more to others, just feel like I'm too negative to share.. kinda like the meetings for me. yes, maybe a change in perspective is in order, something I have not tried in a long time. again.. Thanks.

zjw

I was running out of ears to listen to me and my negative stuff. people would give me the same advice over and over and over and over and well they'd just get tired. in some cases for me this problem still persists I have some problems that are still on going with no solution in site and some folks would probably say OMG we are gonan discuss this again? your still complaining about that ? etc.. some things take more time to work out then others.

like you I'm glad I found this board and people to talk too who get it its been very helpful.

NYCDoglvr

Pete ....... by posting you're helping people who have, or have had, problems with depression in recovery. With depression especially we tend to think we're completely alone and no one understands. But I've personally been where you are and can say I'm very glad today I hung in there because, thanks to the right medication and the support of meetings, I feel good most days. The hardest part of being depressed is doing what helps ... taking action by getting out. Going to meetings and just listening helped a great deal.

markz

Recovery is about progression and growth.
Stagnant is not good for alcoholics and druggies.

Cant blame your HP for being lonely, the blame is placed squarely on your shoulders. God cant force you to do anything. You have to put the effort in.

Instead of staying in all day long, get out. Talk to people. Go to AA meetings. Go to the gym and work out. Maybe get a job. These are common sense actions and approaches.

Petewill

Markz... who said i stay in all day...I talk to people, (could talk to more though) I go to meetings (about 4 times a week), have a sponsor, and own my own business.. sorry.. I think I have common sense.. the fact I do all of these things, is where the frustration lies, granted all of these actions could be stepped up.. most definitely.

Thanks..

chicory

Pw, congrats on 19 months , that is superb!!!

and I think the best times to share are when we are feeling negative, etc. That's when we need the support...good job.

hang in there, its gonna get better.
chic