Full Disclosure
Omnivore
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Full Disclosure
Hi Everyone,
I'm posting today bc my wife said I'm not being truthful with you all. I posted here that I was sober, and I was for 4 months or so. Had a relapse and said so, here, but then have not said anything since. So in the interest of full disclosure, let me say I've been off and on the wagon since then. I take Antabuse to substitute for true backbone at times. It helps.
I know I will be slammed for saying this but my wife's drinking influences me. The first time I fell off the wagon was when she was routinely asking me to stop and buy her wine and then leaving it around for me to see. She stopped doing those things when I told her I'd slipped and that these things bothered me. However, when she is just hiding the wine and pretending to be not drinking, that is not that much less of a temptation for me. I see her inebriated and feel like that is unfair and uncaring of her. Thoughts like, "If you loved me you would want to help me with this" or "Please don't tempt me" come to me. I really do have the willpower to not drink when I'm not home. It is mainly at home that I'm tempted.
Before you stomp me for saying that her drinking affects my resolve, let me say that it is a two way street. She feels the need to drink when I am too. Just the other night, we had both been drinking the few days before, in the interest of full disclosure, to her that day, I said I was going to buy some beer on the way home to drink at home, again that night. She reacted very angrily saying, "You know I was going to stop tonight! I don't have any wine now!" I had to get her some to keep the peace.
She knows she has (or had) a problem and is trying to cut back. She can quit for a few days and then goes off the wagon for a day or two then quits again for a few days. She can do this pretty regularly whereas I can't. If I start drinking then I drink everyday for a whole lot longer.
She seems to be happy with her method of moderating, by drinking only every few days and drinking less on those days than she was at her worst. I am not happy with mine. In none of my relapses have I gone back to drinking as much as I used to. I'm doing well at keeping it greatly reduced. However I do want to quit altogether. I think it is for the best. I believe that if I don't I will go back to drinking as much as I was and then eventually more. Even if I don't, I don't believe I can drink less than every day, if I do drink at all and I don't think drinking everyday is an ok thing for me. So ultimately I do intend quit entirely and for good.
One weakness that does occur to me is that a large part of the reason I want to quit, now, is to be a better person for my wife. To be less volatile and argumentative with her. So if she is drinking then that brings me to: WTH, might as well join the club.
When I picture my life without her, I sometimes think I will end up drunk all day everyday. I'm probably catastrophizing. When I first quit it was more for me and my own sense self worth than anything. It does enter my mind though that if I lost my wife and/or my job I'd just quickly drink myself to numbness. Eventually we all lose those things so in the end I fear I will be drinking a lot, unless I figure this out for myself first.
Walk
I'm posting today bc my wife said I'm not being truthful with you all. I posted here that I was sober, and I was for 4 months or so. Had a relapse and said so, here, but then have not said anything since. So in the interest of full disclosure, let me say I've been off and on the wagon since then. I take Antabuse to substitute for true backbone at times. It helps.
I know I will be slammed for saying this but my wife's drinking influences me. The first time I fell off the wagon was when she was routinely asking me to stop and buy her wine and then leaving it around for me to see. She stopped doing those things when I told her I'd slipped and that these things bothered me. However, when she is just hiding the wine and pretending to be not drinking, that is not that much less of a temptation for me. I see her inebriated and feel like that is unfair and uncaring of her. Thoughts like, "If you loved me you would want to help me with this" or "Please don't tempt me" come to me. I really do have the willpower to not drink when I'm not home. It is mainly at home that I'm tempted.
Before you stomp me for saying that her drinking affects my resolve, let me say that it is a two way street. She feels the need to drink when I am too. Just the other night, we had both been drinking the few days before, in the interest of full disclosure, to her that day, I said I was going to buy some beer on the way home to drink at home, again that night. She reacted very angrily saying, "You know I was going to stop tonight! I don't have any wine now!" I had to get her some to keep the peace.
She knows she has (or had) a problem and is trying to cut back. She can quit for a few days and then goes off the wagon for a day or two then quits again for a few days. She can do this pretty regularly whereas I can't. If I start drinking then I drink everyday for a whole lot longer.
She seems to be happy with her method of moderating, by drinking only every few days and drinking less on those days than she was at her worst. I am not happy with mine. In none of my relapses have I gone back to drinking as much as I used to. I'm doing well at keeping it greatly reduced. However I do want to quit altogether. I think it is for the best. I believe that if I don't I will go back to drinking as much as I was and then eventually more. Even if I don't, I don't believe I can drink less than every day, if I do drink at all and I don't think drinking everyday is an ok thing for me. So ultimately I do intend quit entirely and for good.
One weakness that does occur to me is that a large part of the reason I want to quit, now, is to be a better person for my wife. To be less volatile and argumentative with her. So if she is drinking then that brings me to: WTH, might as well join the club.
When I picture my life without her, I sometimes think I will end up drunk all day everyday. I'm probably catastrophizing. When I first quit it was more for me and my own sense self worth than anything. It does enter my mind though that if I lost my wife and/or my job I'd just quickly drink myself to numbness. Eventually we all lose those things so in the end I fear I will be drinking a lot, unless I figure this out for myself first.
Walk
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
It does sound very tough, Walk. I can relate because I was once in a six year relationship with another alcoholic. He was a daily drinker but he didn't drink as quickly as I did. I was a binger. He tended to pace his drinks better. Nevertheless, the combination of the two of us was... not good. I had to end the relationship. I can't imagine getting sober with someone who won't stop drinking. It perplexes me that people can actually do this.
I do hope you come to some sort of understanding. *hugs*
I do hope you come to some sort of understanding. *hugs*
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Any relationship I in with other drinker only fuel my drinking, so would no be possible for me either. Is there maybe some kind of couple couseling to deal with this extremely important issue. Sound like both of you has alcohol and codependency problems.
Also, nobody here I know gonna "stomp" or "slam" you. You start several paragraph with such language and maybe you need to look at this also. Maybe you was hurt other times when you try to be honest and vulnerable or something. But is almost like you beat you self up before we even have chance to, even though we not gonna. ....yet.
Anyways, you always can be honest here I think. I mean, if not, what is point? Is just yet other layer of subterfuge.
Also, nobody here I know gonna "stomp" or "slam" you. You start several paragraph with such language and maybe you need to look at this also. Maybe you was hurt other times when you try to be honest and vulnerable or something. But is almost like you beat you self up before we even have chance to, even though we not gonna. ....yet.
Anyways, you always can be honest here I think. I mean, if not, what is point? Is just yet other layer of subterfuge.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
I'm surprised and sad that you think you will be slammed and stomped here.
Have you explained to your wife that it upsets you to see her drunk? If so, and you can't come to an agreement about the situation, maybe you can move to a different part of the house when that happens or go out for awhile?
As you said, ultimately you must do this for yourself, and it sounds like you're ready to get back on track.
Have you explained to your wife that it upsets you to see her drunk? If so, and you can't come to an agreement about the situation, maybe you can move to a different part of the house when that happens or go out for awhile?
As you said, ultimately you must do this for yourself, and it sounds like you're ready to get back on track.
Omnivore
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Thanks everyone for the replies.
I have had harsh treatment for unpopular positions. I am tough though, I can take it and I give as good as I get so it is not a problem. I did not think Cow and friends would be harsh since it is hard to be that way to people you know.
I did and still do expect some people to weigh in more harshly than just saying I'm co-dependent. I agree I have some elements of that. I used to have more, I'm getting better.
I have had harsh treatment for unpopular positions. I am tough though, I can take it and I give as good as I get so it is not a problem. I did not think Cow and friends would be harsh since it is hard to be that way to people you know.
I did and still do expect some people to weigh in more harshly than just saying I'm co-dependent. I agree I have some elements of that. I used to have more, I'm getting better.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Hey Walk... I'm not going to tell you what to do but my thinking was a little different.
When I stopped drinking I remember hearing "drop your old friends," "you can't go anywhere they serve booze," and many other one-liners that implied I need to in a sense fear alcohol. Thankfully, I thought that sounded goofy and ran it by some folks who were really in recovery and came away with this: For a huge portion of my life I was highly selfish, tried to run the world and wished to control most if not all of the people in my life. I was also given this question: If trying to control everyone in my life 1. wasn't successful and 2. resulted in me usually drinking more.........what makes me think that controlling others, now for some more noble-sounding reason (MY sobriety) will result in me feeling any differently than it had in the past?
From a very early point in my recovery it became very evident to me that my sobriety......my recovery.......could not ever ever be based upon the actions of others. People aren't crap, but sooner or later they're bound to disappoint me and I sure didn't want my sobriety, recovery, peace and happiness to be dependent upon the actions of other people.
I can tell you for sure.....it's not only possible but it's still just as likely as it is for someone who's sequestered and hidden away from alcohol. Heck, I'd even suggest that
it's possibly better to get that misconception out of the way early in recovery thereby reinforcing how important getting to a state of neutrality regarding booze actually is. Temptations didn't stop for me when I got sober and they likely won't for you.
When I stopped drinking I remember hearing "drop your old friends," "you can't go anywhere they serve booze," and many other one-liners that implied I need to in a sense fear alcohol. Thankfully, I thought that sounded goofy and ran it by some folks who were really in recovery and came away with this: For a huge portion of my life I was highly selfish, tried to run the world and wished to control most if not all of the people in my life. I was also given this question: If trying to control everyone in my life 1. wasn't successful and 2. resulted in me usually drinking more.........what makes me think that controlling others, now for some more noble-sounding reason (MY sobriety) will result in me feeling any differently than it had in the past?
From a very early point in my recovery it became very evident to me that my sobriety......my recovery.......could not ever ever be based upon the actions of others. People aren't crap, but sooner or later they're bound to disappoint me and I sure didn't want my sobriety, recovery, peace and happiness to be dependent upon the actions of other people.
I can tell you for sure.....it's not only possible but it's still just as likely as it is for someone who's sequestered and hidden away from alcohol. Heck, I'd even suggest that
it's possibly better to get that misconception out of the way early in recovery thereby reinforcing how important getting to a state of neutrality regarding booze actually is. Temptations didn't stop for me when I got sober and they likely won't for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,123
Originally Posted by Anna 
I'm surprised and sad that you think you will be slammed and stomped here.
Have you explained to your wife that it upsets you to see her drunk? If so, and you can't come to an agreement about the situation, maybe you can move to a different part of the house when that happens or go out for awhile?
As you said, ultimately you must do this for yourself, and it sounds like you're ready to get back on track.
Have you explained to your wife that it upsets you to see her drunk? If so, and you can't come to an agreement about the situation, maybe you can move to a different part of the house when that happens or go out for awhile?
As you said, ultimately you must do this for yourself, and it sounds like you're ready to get back on track.
Bobbi
Omnivore
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
On again off again
I'm back on Antabuse. I have been back on it for a bit less than a week now. I was drinking every day again for a few weeks before that. I was drinking far less than before I quit in June? July? I just wanted to stop for my health and to be free of needing a drink everyday.
I already feel better physically. I have to say though, I do miss having that crutch when I have a bad feeling of anxiety in my guts. However, I had a good meditation a couple days ago, in the middle of a bad anxiety episode. It made me feel great to be able to sit with that feeling and process it. Rather than mask it with a buzz.
Nothing terrible happened to make me go back on the pill. I just wanted to stop that everyday thing and the pill is the only way for me to do that. Now that I write that I realize, yes, drinking everyday is terrible. I was giving myself permission to do that bc of my wife. It helps that she agreed to try to quit too and has so far kept it up with me. I know I should be able to do this without her help but I wasn't strong enough to do that until she said she would too.
I also wish I was able to do this without the pill. Like she does. I can't. I heard someone else called the pill a "higher power." LOL. I give myself over to Big Pharma!
I already feel better physically. I have to say though, I do miss having that crutch when I have a bad feeling of anxiety in my guts. However, I had a good meditation a couple days ago, in the middle of a bad anxiety episode. It made me feel great to be able to sit with that feeling and process it. Rather than mask it with a buzz.
Nothing terrible happened to make me go back on the pill. I just wanted to stop that everyday thing and the pill is the only way for me to do that. Now that I write that I realize, yes, drinking everyday is terrible. I was giving myself permission to do that bc of my wife. It helps that she agreed to try to quit too and has so far kept it up with me. I know I should be able to do this without her help but I wasn't strong enough to do that until she said she would too.
I also wish I was able to do this without the pill. Like she does. I can't. I heard someone else called the pill a "higher power." LOL. I give myself over to Big Pharma!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
One weakness that does occur to me is that a large part of the reason I want to quit, now, is to be a better person for my wife. To be less volatile and argumentative with her. So if she is drinking then that brings me to: WTH, might as well join the club.
When I picture my life without her, I sometimes think I will end up drunk all day everyday. I'm probably catastrophizing. When I first quit it was more for me and my own sense self worth than anything. It does enter my mind though that if I lost my wife and/or my job I'd just quickly drink myself to numbness. Eventually we all lose those things so in the end I fear I will be drinking a lot, unless I figure this out for myself first.
When I picture my life without her, I sometimes think I will end up drunk all day everyday. I'm probably catastrophizing. When I first quit it was more for me and my own sense self worth than anything. It does enter my mind though that if I lost my wife and/or my job I'd just quickly drink myself to numbness. Eventually we all lose those things so in the end I fear I will be drinking a lot, unless I figure this out for myself first.
but we can also be so good together too. its just hard to stay on the straight and narrow. For me I realized that one of us had better get our acts together and keep it that way and then hopefully the other would follow suit. I had to worry about me and get my act together and not allow myself to go be bad with her. This urked her to no end I'm sure but I had to do this so I could be better for her etc...I know what you mean about without her you might just go get drunk and not care. Now I never quit for my wife I quit for me but I had the very same thoughts. without my wife and kids heck does it matter i'll just go live in a dumpster and get drunk who cares. It was until a coupel years into sobriety my thoughts started to shift on that and I started to think ya know god forbid I was without them ya know it would be possible to remain sober and at least not have that problem others can do it why cant I? it gives me hope that god forbid I'm ever in that predicament i'll be able to make the right choices then too. But who knows I could give up throw in the towel too but I don't thinkt that's a solution.
Omnivore
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by zjw
I've been down that road not with drinking but cigarettes or dope or eating bad one or the other would drag he other back down. my wife and I could be so bad together but we can also be so good together too. its just hard to stay on the straight and narrow. For me I realized that one of us had better get our acts together and keep it that way and then hopefully the other would follow suit. I had to worry about me and get my act together and not allow myself to go be bad with her. This urked her to no end I'm sure but I had to do this so I could be better for her etc...
I know what you mean about without her you might just go get drunk and not care. Now I never quit for my wife I quit for me but I had the very same thoughts. without my wife and kids heck does it matter i'll just go live in a dumpster and get drunk who cares. It was until a coupel years into sobriety my thoughts started to shift on that and I started to think ya know god forbid I was without them ya know it would be possible to remain sober and at least not have that problem others can do it why cant I? it gives me hope that god forbid I'm ever in that predicament i'll be able to make the right choices then too. But who knows I could give up throw in the towel too but I don't thinkt that's a solution.
but we can also be so good together too. its just hard to stay on the straight and narrow. For me I realized that one of us had better get our acts together and keep it that way and then hopefully the other would follow suit. I had to worry about me and get my act together and not allow myself to go be bad with her. This urked her to no end I'm sure but I had to do this so I could be better for her etc...I know what you mean about without her you might just go get drunk and not care. Now I never quit for my wife I quit for me but I had the very same thoughts. without my wife and kids heck does it matter i'll just go live in a dumpster and get drunk who cares. It was until a coupel years into sobriety my thoughts started to shift on that and I started to think ya know god forbid I was without them ya know it would be possible to remain sober and at least not have that problem others can do it why cant I? it gives me hope that god forbid I'm ever in that predicament i'll be able to make the right choices then too. But who knows I could give up throw in the towel too but I don't thinkt that's a solution.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Originally Posted by zjw
For me I realized that one of us had better get our acts together and keep it that way and then hopefully the other would follow suit. I had to worry about me and get my act together and not allow myself to go be bad with her. This urked her to no end I'm sure but I had to do this so I could be better for her etc...
I know what you mean about without her you might just go get drunk and not care. Now I never quit for my wife I quit for me but I had the very same thoughts. without my wife and kids heck does it matter i'll just go live in a dumpster and get drunk who cares. It was until a coupel years into sobriety my thoughts started to shift on that and I started to think ya know god forbid I was without them ya know it would be possible to remain sober and at least not have that problem others can do it why cant I? it gives me hope that god forbid I'm ever in that predicament i'll be able to make the right choices then too. But who knows I could give up throw in the towel too but I don't thinkt that's a solution.
I know what you mean about without her you might just go get drunk and not care. Now I never quit for my wife I quit for me but I had the very same thoughts. without my wife and kids heck does it matter i'll just go live in a dumpster and get drunk who cares. It was until a coupel years into sobriety my thoughts started to shift on that and I started to think ya know god forbid I was without them ya know it would be possible to remain sober and at least not have that problem others can do it why cant I? it gives me hope that god forbid I'm ever in that predicament i'll be able to make the right choices then too. But who knows I could give up throw in the towel too but I don't thinkt that's a solution.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I wasn't here when this thread was posted but I'm glad to see you're still here and trying walk
The way I look at it, we're all non drinkers in a world of drinkers.
We *have* to walk to the beat of a different drum.... or we'll never get sober.
If there's not much in the way of sober support at home, you can find it elsewhere walk.
Having a spouse who drinks is tough, but it's not impossible to deal with. Many members have
D
The way I look at it, we're all non drinkers in a world of drinkers.
We *have* to walk to the beat of a different drum.... or we'll never get sober.
If there's not much in the way of sober support at home, you can find it elsewhere walk.
Having a spouse who drinks is tough, but it's not impossible to deal with. Many members have
D
Omnivore
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Good point D. Thanks. I have been feeling more and more like my drinking was related to her drinking in more of a cheap easy excuse way than a cause and effect way. It is nice to not have an excuse but like you said, if I'm going to be using any excuse that I can find, well there are plenty of opportunities for that.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Yer gonna have to divorce. The alcohol. That BeaOtch doesn't love you. It's gonna sting for a few but only for a few if you can frame it that way. AVRT SAVED MY HEAD AND THE BODY IS FOLLOWING AS IT SHOULD.Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information. I especially liked freshstart's experience and commentary (avrt explained). The dynamics of YOUR relationship to your wife is indeed affected by YOUR Beast--not hers. Believe me, when you cross to the other side you wonder "how come I never heard of this place" and realize you had the power to go home the whole time..like dorothy. Best wishes..
Omnivore
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Question about AVRR
Originally Posted by anattaboy
Yer gonna have to divorce. The alcohol. That BeaOtch doesn't love you.
AVRT SAVED MY HEAD AND THE BODY IS FOLLOWING AS IT SHOULD.Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information. I especially liked freshstart's experience and commentary (avrt explained).
I quit other addictive substances, long ago, without any 12 step programs or knowing about AVRT. I used the principles of it without knowing about it. I simply decided to quit and never looked back.
One question, to you or anyone who found AVRT helpful:
I did quit drinking and said I'd never go back. Then I did. I'm back to not drinking but of course since I did slip up once, this idea of "and I will never change my mind" seems to ring hollow. Like I know I might so I can't say that.
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