Diary of a Mad Cow, Part X: "The Adventures of Sober Cow"
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Ah, Guinea Pig, you make it this far through day, you can make couple more hours till sleep, yes? Maybe eat good meal, get lost in some TV or book for couple hour and go to bed. You be so glad tomorrow when you wake up one more day sober instead of back at squares one.
Yesterday I final go to Agnostics AA meeting. Was way better than usual AA. No endless readings, no prayers, just short welcome and then straight into topic of discussion, then very quick closing. I listen to everybody speak, and some very interesting, and some even quite juicy. One old timer say cute thing, he say, "I use to has problem in the area of drinking, now that I not drinking, I got problem in areas where I not even know I had areas." Ha ha moo ha! But still, whole time I think "...and this gonna stabilize my brain chemisty how exactly?" In any case, I gonna stick with it and I even get sponser who gonna make me read parts of Big Book and talk every night and meet weekly. If this not work, I surely to go inpatient.
Also saw my therapist today. Was worst of our conversation. I total disagree with almost everything she say. She seem all over the place, contradicting herself. Is gonna sound like ego, but I actual thought my points was more coherent than hers. Then she would make turn around and agree with me, but act like she originating what I JUST SAID. Was kind of pissing me off. Maybe she having off day, but I get nothing from it.
Yesterday I final go to Agnostics AA meeting. Was way better than usual AA. No endless readings, no prayers, just short welcome and then straight into topic of discussion, then very quick closing. I listen to everybody speak, and some very interesting, and some even quite juicy. One old timer say cute thing, he say, "I use to has problem in the area of drinking, now that I not drinking, I got problem in areas where I not even know I had areas." Ha ha moo ha! But still, whole time I think "...and this gonna stabilize my brain chemisty how exactly?" In any case, I gonna stick with it and I even get sponser who gonna make me read parts of Big Book and talk every night and meet weekly. If this not work, I surely to go inpatient.
Also saw my therapist today. Was worst of our conversation. I total disagree with almost everything she say. She seem all over the place, contradicting herself. Is gonna sound like ego, but I actual thought my points was more coherent than hers. Then she would make turn around and agree with me, but act like she originating what I JUST SAID. Was kind of pissing me off. Maybe she having off day, but I get nothing from it.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by Cow 
Is gonna sound like ego, but I actual thought my points was more coherent than hers. Then she would make turn around and agree with me, but act like she originating what I JUST SAID. Was kind of pissing me off.
But it sounds like you had a really good experience at agnostic AA!
That's excellent stuff.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Originally Posted by Cow
Also saw my therapist today. Was worst of our conversation. I total disagree with almost everything she say. She seem all over the place, contradicting herself. Is gonna sound like ego, but I actual thought my points was more coherent than hers. Then she would make turn around and agree with me, but act like she originating what I JUST SAID. Was kind of pissing me off. Maybe she having off day, but I get nothing from it.
I don't think you making progress through therapy is going to be that highly correlated with how much you agree with your therapist. In fact, if I were going to put a bet on it, I'd say about 50% agreement would be optimal for progress. The other 50% should have to do with appropriate boundaries and evolving self-awareness. Getting riled up and pissed off are both potentially useful states.
I even dare say that part of your lack of success in therapies previously has been the expectation that they would "work." I'm a big believer that with addiction, nothing will always work and anything can work. Yes, some part of your problem is chemical but some part is cognitive and some part is affective and those parts respond most strongly and durably to learning that comes from within. A good partner (e.g., your therapist) can nudge change into being, but sometimes it's accidental and sometimes you get there when they're pointing the other way.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Yes Bunny, thank you. In fact, I tell her I annoy with her because she been late last 2 session by :30 minute, and she like, really, you don't seem angry. And I like, I not angry, I annoy. And she like, well maybe you should be angry that I not respecting you time. And I like, well, if you does it again, I will be angry ...but I will still vocalize it in this respectful and calm diplomatic way. And then we have other big argument about what is appropriate expression of anger. I say is very rare I gonna have cause for aggression of language or lashing out when angry, but I total okay to confront. She think that from stifling in childhood (raging momma) and want more passion and firework out of me. Well don't we all. Welcome to wonderful world of anhedonia, babe.
In any case, I not interested in having hot temper, my reason and measured confrontational approach has serve me much better in all area of life I think.
In any case, I not interested in having hot temper, my reason and measured confrontational approach has serve me much better in all area of life I think.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Originally Posted by Cow
In any case, I not interested in having hot temper, my reason and measured confrontational approach has serve me much better in all area of life I think.
Not advocating a hot temper, but.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
butbutbut....well, i'll just speak of my own experience, which is that when i went to a therapist i felt desperate. chaotic. holding-together-tightly. afraid of breaking if i ever opened more than a little.
my reason and intellect didn't serve me there at all.
my reason worked fine.
it's not where the issues were/are.
my reasonable and possibly measured approach was part of the mask that i thought kept me safe.
the real "stuff" was/is beyond reason
i went to this therapist for maybe seven sessions, and could not stop with the head-stuff, all while knowing it didn't serve me. that it was exactly why i was going.
my reason and intellect didn't serve me there at all.
my reason worked fine.
it's not where the issues were/are.
my reasonable and possibly measured approach was part of the mask that i thought kept me safe.
the real "stuff" was/is beyond reason
i went to this therapist for maybe seven sessions, and could not stop with the head-stuff, all while knowing it didn't serve me. that it was exactly why i was going.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Difference is fini, I not holding thing in, or afraid to let thing out. Is just as severe anhedonic they is not much feelings in there to come out.
I does get angry and I have no problem to confront or fire or file lawsuit or whatever I has to do, but I just not have the passion to get all fire up and yell and scream. I not can even imagine what this must feel like inside to has to come out like that.
PS. I official has a sponsor now from my Agnostic/Atheist AA group.
I does get angry and I have no problem to confront or fire or file lawsuit or whatever I has to do, but I just not have the passion to get all fire up and yell and scream. I not can even imagine what this must feel like inside to has to come out like that.
PS. I official has a sponsor now from my Agnostic/Atheist AA group.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,415
Originally Posted by Cow
Difference is fini, I not holding thing in, or afraid to let thing out. Is just as severe anhedonic they is not much feelings in there to come out.
I does get angry and I have no problem to confront or fire or file lawsuit or whatever I has to do, but I just not have the passion to get all fire up and yell and scream. I not can even imagine what this must feel like inside to has to come out like that.
PS. I official has a sponsor now from my Agnostic/Atheist AA group.
I does get angry and I have no problem to confront or fire or file lawsuit or whatever I has to do, but I just not have the passion to get all fire up and yell and scream. I not can even imagine what this must feel like inside to has to come out like that.
PS. I official has a sponsor now from my Agnostic/Atheist AA group.
I think this group will be very helpful to you Cow and I'm glad you are embracing it.
Funny about your therapist being late.
Mine was a couple of times as I was her first appointment in the morning.
I reacted exactly like you did--calmly said it bothered me but I think I was
perhaps madder underneath than you describe.
I do value my time and view people who have professional appointments with me and who are repeatedly late as rude and unprofessional.
Even not caring what people "think" about me, I choose to respect their time and schedule myself to make appointments on time, and am rarely late.
Again, this goes back to my mother who never gave a crap about making people wait for her to get ready, was often late for work or appointments,
and so on and then she would get angry if someone called her on it or wouldn't see her and asked her to reschedule as they had other clients, etc.
Frickin' childhood again. geez
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
No Hawk, I total wanted that guy for sponsor, but he was... [sfx: thundercrash] ...a guy. And I a girl. And god forbids the two should be sponsor and sponsee in AA, even though everybody else screwing each other anyways.
I does like my sponsor, though. I knows her casually from around. I do think would maybe be better to have sponsor I not at all familiar with, but is only 3 female in whole group. She all business, stoic and aloof, not funny at all, but that maybe good for me. She think I funny, so I little afraid would be easy to manipulate her that way, but she already laying down the laws. Give me numerated list of thing I has to do.
I does like my sponsor, though. I knows her casually from around. I do think would maybe be better to have sponsor I not at all familiar with, but is only 3 female in whole group. She all business, stoic and aloof, not funny at all, but that maybe good for me. She think I funny, so I little afraid would be easy to manipulate her that way, but she already laying down the laws. Give me numerated list of thing I has to do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Cow,
Im happy for you and proud of you! I hope this starts some healing for you and some relief.
My sponsor also gave my a list of things I needed to do in order for her to remain my sponsor. At the time I thought some of it was silly and couldn't see how it connected to recovery. Like the sitting down for breakfast. But I came to see the wisdom in that one little thing. As time passed I it all started to make more sense to me. I hope this happens for you.
Loce from Lenina
Im happy for you and proud of you! I hope this starts some healing for you and some relief.
My sponsor also gave my a list of things I needed to do in order for her to remain my sponsor. At the time I thought some of it was silly and couldn't see how it connected to recovery. Like the sitting down for breakfast. But I came to see the wisdom in that one little thing. As time passed I it all started to make more sense to me. I hope this happens for you.
Loce from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
well, dang, Cow. I really had hopes for that daily shower. I am a good groomer for the most part. Did she ask that you sit down and have a civilized breakfast? I think her point with me was changing up the routine and establishing some better habits. Sitting down and having my toast and tea was the time to do my gratitude list and to do my daily reading.
did she ask that you add okra to your diet?
Love from Lenina.
did she ask that you add okra to your diet?
Love from Lenina.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
No okra! List was:
1. Has to call her nightly.
2. Has to be honest about any using. (She understand that include caffeine.)
3. Has to read certain portions of Big Book for discussions, even if I total hate and disagree with it, that okay.
4. Weekly hour meeting with her and also interaction with her other sponsee. (Who only 19 and painful shy, so she think my sarcasm and humor will help her to open up, and I agrees and appreciate this opportunity.)
5. Daily list of 3 thing that was positive and also list of 3 thing that I do right. (Was original suppose to be thing I grateful for, but she understand anhedonia and that I not capable to feel grateful, at least no yet, which I also appreciate.)
6. Has to commit to attendance of Agnostic/Atheist AA meeting. (Original, she say has to commit to 3 AA meeting a week, then I panic and tell her nevermind, can no do it, I not ready. I thought that was actual end of it. But she come back and say, you panic, why you panic. And I explain I had try regular AA meeting for whole year and made me feel like outsider and even more detach, and I was given many unproductive message that unless I surrender to higher power I NEVER get sober, and plus also was all the ritual readings and prayer take me back to being force raise Catholic, and I just really think if I made to do that again, I will freak and bail and fail and feel even worse about self.
She say, okay, I understand that, and I think that would overwhelm you right now. So for now, I still will take you on, if you total commit to agnostic/atheist meeting and all other condition.
I so happy when I get that email! I say, thank you so much. Indeed I was in panic and run, and if you had no reach out and give me way back in, I would has just keep running.
1. Has to call her nightly.
2. Has to be honest about any using. (She understand that include caffeine.)
3. Has to read certain portions of Big Book for discussions, even if I total hate and disagree with it, that okay.
4. Weekly hour meeting with her and also interaction with her other sponsee. (Who only 19 and painful shy, so she think my sarcasm and humor will help her to open up, and I agrees and appreciate this opportunity.)
5. Daily list of 3 thing that was positive and also list of 3 thing that I do right. (Was original suppose to be thing I grateful for, but she understand anhedonia and that I not capable to feel grateful, at least no yet, which I also appreciate.)
6. Has to commit to attendance of Agnostic/Atheist AA meeting. (Original, she say has to commit to 3 AA meeting a week, then I panic and tell her nevermind, can no do it, I not ready. I thought that was actual end of it. But she come back and say, you panic, why you panic. And I explain I had try regular AA meeting for whole year and made me feel like outsider and even more detach, and I was given many unproductive message that unless I surrender to higher power I NEVER get sober, and plus also was all the ritual readings and prayer take me back to being force raise Catholic, and I just really think if I made to do that again, I will freak and bail and fail and feel even worse about self.
She say, okay, I understand that, and I think that would overwhelm you right now. So for now, I still will take you on, if you total commit to agnostic/atheist meeting and all other condition.
I so happy when I get that email! I say, thank you so much. Indeed I was in panic and run, and if you had no reach out and give me way back in, I would has just keep running.
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